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Reconciliation :
New Information 4 years later

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 Breachoftrust (original poster member #66252) posted at 4:24 PM on Sunday, April 24th, 2022

I keep asking if there's anything more and he says no but there's the 4 years of lying to my face. So, who knows. I've read a lot here about waywards and how they need to let go of the outcome. I'm thinking as a betrayed I guess I have to accept what I get and decide if that is enough. The really hard part is deciding. I am barely a functioning adult right now. I am so unsure about everything. I don't even know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I had dreams of being a good wife and mother and retirement years were to be spent together traveling around and doing all the things we haven't had time for while raising children. So, I had my perfect life. How pathetically naive. So, I have no career and no idea what I want to do. That also leaves me financially dependent. I hate that. I don't want to be dependent upon him for anything. This could be so exciting. I could go to school, get a degree in something. Problem is I just don't WANT anything anymore. I'm just not seeing the point. Live another 20 years for what exactly? I'm done living life for others but I have neglected myself for so long that I don't even know what I want. This all just sucks.

Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA

Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2018
id 8731625
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:22 AM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

Maybe if you did something for yourself you would feel differently about your life. You might spark some joy and passion.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8731802
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 7:44 PM on Monday, April 25th, 2022

We always know when soemthing is wrong hence why even after 4 years you havent stopped asking that question.

I think when and EA happens we nearly always say that it turns out to be a PA in the end. We just know that theyre lying and withholding the truth I think the reason why you have no tears left is because you already knew deep down it was physcial and you accepted it already that it was physical but you just needed to hear it. He was too much of a coward to tell you the truth. First he disrespects you having an affair and then he lies to you all through your reconciliation period. You havent been able to move on because that thought has been at the back of your mind for years.

Its just absolutely disgusting how after 4 years he has brought you back to living it all over again. Personally I would not want to hear another thing from him because hes story will keep changing or he will say he has forgotten. I just cant believe he did not have the decency to tell you this even within the first year would have been ok. It took him 4 years and you a wasted 4 years of reconciliation. You could have moved on with your life. Done things that made you happy. You still can. Its not too late. Be whoever you want to be and do things that make you happy. Wishing you a happy future in whatever you decide.

posts: 110   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8731907
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 10:23 AM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

It would be very good to get some IC now. As to finding purpose, you can and you will. Try and tap into who you were when young and remember some of the things that interested you. Any kind of education now is very fulfilling, and of course keeps the brain active. Also, volunteering and helping others helps rebalance brain chemistry with good endorphins, and gets you out the house, and focusing externally.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6396   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8732026
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Hannah47 ( new member #80116) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, April 27th, 2022

I keep asking if there's anything more and he says no but there's the 4 years of lying to my face. So, who knows. I've read a lot here about waywards and how they need to let go of the outcome. I'm thinking as a betrayed I guess I have to accept what I get and decide if that is enough. The really hard part is deciding. I am barely a functioning adult right now. I am so unsure about everything. I don't even know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I had dreams of being a good wife and mother and retirement years were to be spent together traveling around and doing all the things we haven't had time for while raising children. So, I had my perfect life. How pathetically naive. So, I have no career and no idea what I want to do. That also leaves me financially dependent. I hate that. I don't want to be dependent upon him for anything. This could be so exciting. I could go to school, get a degree in something. Problem is I just don't WANT anything anymore. I'm just not seeing the point. Live another 20 years for what exactly? I'm done living life for others but I have neglected myself for so long that I don't even know what I want. This all just sucks.


I could've easily written this myself (except that I don’t have kids and I probably won’t ever have them, thanks to the betrayal). I don’t have advice as I’m lost just as you are. I can only offer some validation and my perspective on things. People will tell you to focus on yourself and find purpose and fulfillment in other things in life. I believe this works for many people. But sometimes nothing can fill the void left after betrayal. Your dreams were concentrated around your family, so were mine. I have my education, hobbies, activities, good looks, temporary entertainment… But at the end of the day, it's not fulfilling. The life that I really wanted did not happen. It’s a horrible fact to live with, and, yes, it just sucks. Maybe the problem isn’t that we don’t know what we want. Rather, it’s that what we do want is no longer possible. I hope I’m wrong…

posts: 18   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8732258
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 1:51 AM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Affairs are so complex and yet so simple. Man cheats, man lies. The complex part is that there is a bond even after an affair, between husband and wife that will always be there. Only husband and wife can decide what to do with that bond after a betrayal. Does it have to be over? Not necessarily, but in order for the marriage to work the way it was meant to work, there has to be healing and a rebuilding of trust and both people have to truly want to rebuild. It is possible though. I read it on here all the time and other places as well.

Have you considered counseling before making any lines in the sand?

posts: 271   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8732972
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 Breachoftrust (original poster member #66252) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

In addition to our lovely situation he's placed us into I now have to go in for a biopsy. I'm terrified. Normally I would stress but it would be normal for a person to stress some. But with everything else I just feel like wow, I get to have my world destroyed AND now I'll die. I know I'm catastrophizing. If that's a word. Then I start thinking if he'll replace me with HER or not love me if I have to have my breast removed. OMG this is soooooo hard.

Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA

Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2018
id 8734374
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:40 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Just sending some support, BoT. You are right to put yourself first. Stay in IC, spend time thinking about your future.
Whatever you need. Take care of yourself physically (exercise, eat well, lots of water, get sleep) and emotionally. And for peace of mind, make sure you know what D could look like. Not to pull the trigger but to give yourself a full picture and knowledge.

I am sorry. You will be okay, you really will.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8734377
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