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I finally decided that I need a break from my husband. He isn't making healing the focus of our lives, he's trying to stick his head in the sand and hope for the best. He's not doing anything unfaithful, but I just don't get the feeling that he is truly remorseful. He has lied to me about this for too long. More lies were uncovered the other day after he swore that I knew everything. He knows that I can't trust him if he lies to me and yet he still does it. His response to his lies are the "cliche" I was trying to protect you and didn't want to hurt you anymore.

Anyway, I just can't heal at the rate we're going. I needed some space to see what life is like without him. So far its been ok. I'm not pining away for him and its nice to get through a day without getting angry when I see him. Just the sight of him can be a trigger for me.

I'm not sure how to do the separation thing. He is texting all the time and has stopped in for a few quickies. I don't even know what were doing. Quickies should not be happening, I know. Is it best to cut all contact during a separation? What about life 360? Cut that out too? And how long is too long or too short? I know its not an exact science, but I'm sure some on here know better than I do.

Any advice from those who have done it before?

I needed some space to see what life is like without him.

I'm not sure you can get that space whilst in constant contact with him. I'm not saying that it has to be zero, but at the least it should be minimal.

Not sure what the time frame for you could be, but you could always take month or two, then evaluate where you are, and decide if that is long enough or if you need more time.

Just wanted to say sorry your M has brought you here. Trickle truth and lies are the worst. And of course they are to protect him not to save you from pain. Separation is long enough when you feel you know what you want. Watch his actions. Don’t let him be a cake eater. Either he will make major changes or you will move forward. Good luck.

I think it's important to have a few ground rules when doing a separation 1. Have an initial time frame - 30 days, 60 days, 90 days etc and reevaluate as needed. 2. Agree to a schedule for contact - ie one touch-base-type phone call once a week or so. I would say no physical contact and definitely no quickies. 3. Lay out what topics are going to be discussed during phone calls. 4. Lay out who is financially responsible for things during the separation - ie who pays phone/internet, rents, cc bills etc.

I think without some advance agreed-upon rules, you get into a weird foggy gray area like where you're at right now. I do think that separation can be a great tool for a BS to get some mental breathing room and some space to really be able to objectively look at the situation. It can also be a really good learning experience for the BS to see that they can actually do without the ws. But I think in order for it to be effective, there has to be some goals laid down.

I'd also be crystal clear on what interactions, if any, you're both allowed to have with other people. If you've been having quickies, I assume you're expecting that you will remain faithful to each other during the separation. Don't assume that your WS knows that -- or more accurately, don't give him room for "misinterpretation." If you require no sexual contact, no flirting, no sexting, no cam girls, nothing that he wouldn't do with full confidence if you were standing right next to each other -- then say so. I'd email or text it and confirm that he agrees. The last thing you need is to find something out later on and hear, "But that was when we were separated!"

I'd also be crystal clear on what interactions, if any, you're both allowed to have with other people. If you've been having quickies, I assume you're expecting that you will remain faithful to each other during the separation. Don't assume that your WS knows that -- or more accurately, don't give him room for "misinterpretation." If you require no sexual contact, no flirting, no sexting, no cam girls, nothing that he wouldn't do with full confidence if you were standing right next to each other -- then say so. I'd email or text it and confirm that he agrees. The last thing you need is to find something out later on and hear, "But that was when we were separated!"

This is very important. When my WW wanted to do in-house separation, she mentioned that we should be allowed to date other people and whatnot, but she wanted to make sure that if we were having "quickies" that we didn't do it at the house. She was trying to, nay almost pushing me to go have some random women, because as she said, "you have needs". I wanted my wife and only my wife, to this day that is all I want, but what really sucked is when she out of her own selfish bullshit tried to push me to physically cheat on her so that we could be on an even playing field. So it is important to establish ground rules around that topic, if there is to be a shot at R down the road.

Lsja,

I'm about 5 and 1/2 years from d-day. I've separated twice with my WH and we are currently in the process of reconciling.

The first was about 2 years after d-day.

I finally decided that I need a break from my husband. He isn't making healing the focus of our lives,

Anyway, I just can't heal at the rate we're going. I needed some space to see what life is like without him. So far its been ok. I'm not pining away for him and its nice to get through a day without getting angry when I see him. Just the sight of him can be a trigger for me.

This is exactly how I felt the first time we separated. We had just moved to the area before D-day, and I promised our son who started high school that we would stay until he graduated. My WH and I had been living separately for about 9 months when I found his affair had been going on for 1 1/2 months with emotional build-up prior. We owned two houses and I moved into one. We planned to remodel and rent it out. It was the one I would want in the divorce.

It felt great to be away from my WH. I had been working full time, and he wasn't working. I would come home wondering what "work" on himself concerning the infidelity he had been doing, and it didn't seem like enough. I would pace like a cat at night.

These were the rules we agreed upon.

WH was welcome to text, call, flirt, date, sleep with, etc. any other woman. If I found out about anything like that, I would consider the marriage over and file for divorce immediately. I asked that he tell me first, but he didn't tell me the last time.

Likewise, I would not be engaging in any way in other relationships with men. I wore a ring. I'm married until not and don't like men flirting with me.

Our high school son stayed in the home with my WH. He wanted to be in his room with his things. He could visit me anytime he wanted. It was walking distance. My husband would handle any child-care related items.

I was welcome for family dinner any night. I usually asked first. If it weren't for the dinners and game nights afterwards I probably wouldn't have seen much of my son. We had zero infidelity-related discussions during family time. We made our own plans to have those discussions. They were in neither home.

I shared my Google location with my husband and children; he shared his with them. Our children don't share their locations with us.

It was a relief to be away. I didn't trigger all the time. I thought about my future. I bought fluffy towels and nested a bit in the new house and enjoyed the quiet and read. I had the chance to see what it would basically feel like being without my WH. I didn't worry about what my WH was doing. We didn't text much, and I wasn't overly responsive unless absolutely necessary. Our possessions were a trigger for me also. That was gone. We had a storage unit for 10 years while we traveled and lived in different places. In the other house, every time I saw something from our past it either made me sad or angry. We didn't have a set time frame, because I couldn't even say. I moved back in 2-3 months I think.

The second time we separated was maybe a year or less later.

WH lied. It wasn't about a major item, but I was fed up with it all. I sublet an apartment for 3 months. I would decide what to do after that. My son then had a driver's license and new car.

The rules were similar. I didn't do dinners at the house. Instead I tried to make time independently with my son. WH came by frequently to leave little gifts. I was ok as long as he didn't knock. He did get invasive once. I had an Alexa Echo Show, and I didn't answer his calls. He contacted through Alexa on my Amazon account saying he was worried. Nooo! I used Google location to avoid him like making sure he wasn't at the gym when I went. I was much more sad and thought it was the end. Still, my life without him would be ok and calm and, well, largely like it was with him only with other people in it. I did miss spending time with him. We started to date. I invited him to have sex at times, but he went home afterwards. He changed and did work on himself. I could see he was thinking deeper. He told me later that I should have moved out sooner because it was a huge wake-up that I would live my life fine and move on without him.

That's my story. I don't think separation is for everyone. I like my time alone. My husband and I both travelled a bunch alone during our marriage. After d-day, I told him no more travelling if he wanted the marriage. He had to stay and fix what he broke and behave like a dedicated husband and father. Still, I like my time alone. I think being together all the time was not easy at all for me.