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Tough Day

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 workingthroughit137 (original poster new member #79683) posted at 5:41 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Had a big talk with my wife last night about leaving her job. DDay was a month ago to the day. She had a PA and EA with a coworker. She initially agreed she will need to leave her job to give us any chance at healing and deciding if R was possible, but I can tell she's struggling with it immensely. She loves her job and the idea of leaving it only for our marriage to potentially fall apart anyway gives her a great deal of pause.

She was cold and quiet this morning while we got ready for work. She tried to leave without saying anything to me or saying I love you. I know there will be lots more days like this, but this was a tough one. On the one hand I'm frustrated that I'm having to twist her arm about this, but on the other I can see why this is so difficult. She says she feels like a bad person for trying to stay at her job and she understands why her leaving is something I need. I'm just gonna give her her space today. Don't imagine I'll receive a text.

I can tell she really wants to rug sweep all of this. We've been really good over the last month. Laughing, having fun together, enjoying the holidays, enjoying time with our son, but when things like the affair come up, she shuts down. She's trying to pretend it didn't happen. She's always struggled with facing bad feelings and often compartmentalizes those feelings in her mind and puts them on the backburner without dealing with them. She won't be able to do that with this. It's too significant. She really, really needs to get to therapy. There are just certain things about this she's not going to be able to work through with me. Her freaking job takes up every second of her life through the day so she refuses to make time to find a therapist or to work on her resume to find a new job (ironic, because she was finding time to go in AP's office a couple of times a week and fuck him, but can't find time for this). They've got her so brainwashed over there. She barely gets paid, she's overworked and underappreciated. At some point, she's going to need to choose her life over her job. I can't make her make that choice, and at some point, I'm going to have to just leave so she'll get the picture. This all just sucks.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2021   ·   location: IA
id 8709294
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:10 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

workingthroughit,

I know I have been one of the folks badgering you about this.

I almost want to go through my own post history to show you how much I allowed this to be put off. Other posters must've pointed out 100 times that my wife still didn't have a new job for the whole time I was in limbo/semi-R.

I wanted her to quit the job because she wanted to quit the job, not because I twisted her arm (as you say). She was on the brink of quitting three times. Once she resigned, then unresigned in the same day (a very dramatic day that included a verbal ask for divorce on my part). She really enjoyed her job aside from the AP. I get that. But ultimately keeping the job is her putting her *desires* in front of the *needs* for healing. If you want to work on her understanding that, so she can make the choice without resentment toward you, I get where you are coming from. I really, really do.

What eventually happened, is I got so worn down living in a marriage that wasn't good enough, that I asked for a divorce (in writing with a letter explaining why). That was the "you must be willing to lose the marriage" moment for me. It's not that we are telling you to manipulate her. I get that it seems that way, that you are threatening "get a new job or we are getting a divorce". The reality is that you are simply stating, "I can't stay in a marriage where you are still working with the AP. It just hurts too much." (Guess how I got to my signature). You also can't promise that quitting the job will solve everything (which was a big hurdle for my wife).

I hope you figure it out with fewer first hand lessons than I had, but maybe that isn't possible. You can't force your feelings, resolve, or timeline to evolve at a pace other than what you are comfortable with.

It will get better.

Sending strength.

EDIT TO ADD:

Here is a good part in my original thread (which is massive from DDay to about 6 mo after DDay).

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=642801&AP=901

You can see just how much waffling, struggling, and mess there is in our own experience, no matter how much clarity is delivered from those that came before us.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:17 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1648   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709318
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

My WH left his job after a great 25-year career with the same company. It was gut-wrenching for him. Too bad. rolleyes

Fortunately, his AP worked at an office across the country so there was no immediate pressure.

It took him several months to find a new job, but he found a better job for much more money and one that he truly enjoyed.

I agree, your wife should find another job, not next month but now.

How will you be financially if she quits and it takes a couple of months to find a job.

There are so many jobs out there now, even if she takes something on a temporary basis just to have a paycheck until she finds something she enjoys doing.

Never sh*t where you eat. She made that choice and now she has to face the consequences.

I hope she makes the decision to put your marriage first.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709334
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:08 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

She doesn't want to quit, and her job is keeping her from the therapy she needs. Ayup.

I know she's going to have to leave her comfort zone to R, and it can take some time and some other unknown jab to get a person to do that. I have a lot of sympathy for your W because she will have to go into uncharted, scary territory.

You just have to decide how long you'll wait. I wish someone here could tell you how long that is. Alas, you're the only one who can decide for you. Know that the answer you come up with is likely to be the right one.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26513   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8709339
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:04 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m sorry. I’ve had some similar issues with my husband and him working with his affair partner. For us it is complicated by the fact that him changing workplaces would mean a career change, a significant loss of income, a move, and thus the loss of my job and uprooting of our family, including our kids and an elderly relative who lives with us. Because he does seem to be committed to keeping distance from his affair partner, the cost of him quitting seems too high. But it’s been emotionally brutal.

This all gets really complicated. Sisoon’s input seems wise. I think it will take time to figure it out, but I think what you come to will be right for you.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8709417
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:37 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

She loves her job and the idea of leaving it only for our marriage to potentially fall apart anyway gives her a great deal of pause.

Did the idea of destroying your relationship (and than marriage) by fucking her boss give her that great deal of pause?

By the way, instead of starting multiple threads, I suggest you continue under one thread in the JFO forum. Thus, it is possible to follow your story and developments as a whole. Also, I don't think the discovery phase is complete yet.

Her reluctance to leave the job from the very beginning may have been due to the fact that her A is still ongoing.

Sometimes I see you use phrases that indicate that you believe in her and frankly, aside from her words, I can't see any explanation of where your trust in her comes from.

She is a proven liar and cheater. You can't take what she says as true just because you want what she says to be true.

She's actually not a very skilled liar, and what she says are mostly contradictory.

I don't know what concrete evidence would make you believe that their A started recently and is not still ongoing. What makes you think that their A didn't start when your WW just started her job, that they didn't have an A when you caught those flirty messages? I don't understand why you ignore the possibility that your WW has always rejected you and condemned you to a sexless marriage because of her A, and that your said horrible behaviors might not be the cause of her A, but a reaction to her attitude towards you because of her A.

I don't want to say that everything is not as you say (actually she says). But I really don't remember a single tangible proof that she is telling the truth.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 1:39 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8709425
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 2:01 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

The amount of effort a WS puts into repairing/healing the relationship, will give you an idea of how much they value the relationship.

How much effort do you think she has put in since D-Day, compared to how much effort she invested in her AP?

Have a serious think about it.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 932   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8709429
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:30 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I tried to count the number of jobs I’ve had.
If I skip promotions and just count the number of companies, it’s probably about 8-9 real jobs. Some changes were merges or take-overs and some were career moves. I’m not counting 5-6 summer jobs during college, nor the bars and clubs I bar tended or provided security at. All-in-all it might be closer to 20-30 entities that have written me a pay-check.

During all that time I have had one woman I planned on marrying (who then cheated on me) and one that I married.
I guess that’s a near-normal ratio.

Changing jobs is easy.
Changing spouse is hard.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10172   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8709434
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:59 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I agree that job is way smaller issue than spouse.

But changing jobs is not easy for everyone. It depends a great deal on where you live, what line of work you’re in, and how many people you are responsible for supporting.

I don’t mean this as a commentary on the original poster’s situation. Just that it isn’t always that easy.

[This message edited by Grieving at 3:01 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8709438
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WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 3:27 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

If the AP is still at your WW's job, then she definitely needs to leave. How could you ever even begin to trust her again. Even if he's not, her place of work will be a big trigger for you. It was for me. Every time I drove by it, I'd trigger. It was like d-day all over again.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8709443
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WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 3:30 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

If the AP is still at your WW's job, then she definitely needs to leave. How could you ever even begin to trust her again. Even if he's not, her place of work will be a big trigger for you. It was for me. Every time I drove by it, I'd trigger. It was like d-day all over again.
I guess its up to your WW to decide if her job is more important than your marriage.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8709445
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 4:08 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I don’t mean this as a commentary on the original poster’s situation. Just that it isn’t always that easy.

I think about this sometimes. A friend of mine is a professor in a field where there are very few tenured positions. Hundreds of applicants go for every opening. Some years, there aren't any new postings at all. She's worked her way up to department chair in a decent though not stellar academic institution. If she were to leave that position, she would never get another one at anything close to the salary and retirement benefits. She might never teach in her field again. Her husband has a medical condition and only contributes financially through small side gigs. If she quit, the economic impact on the whole family would be very significant. And yes, they'd have to move, because even if she left her specialty for something more general, there isn't another sizable college in commuting distance.

As said above, this is not a commentary on OP's situation. I'm just agreeing that for some betrayed spouses, it's not a simple choice to make.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8709449
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:42 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m sorry. She’s not doing what a cheating wife needs to do to rebuild after the destruction of her marriage thru infidelity.

You’d save yourself a lot of grief up front here if you’d tell her something simple like "it’s clear you cannot do the things I need to help me heal from your affair. It’s a long multi year process. I can tell from your inaction that you just don’t have it in you.

Plus I am pretty sure you have feelings for your boss still. I can not be in a marriage where my wife has feelings for another man.

So I’m letting you go. I need to heal and I absolutely cannot do that knowing you are with him every day. If you truly loved me this would not be so hard.

I’ll be talk to a lawyer and legally ending what your affair so greatly damaged. My heart is broken. I wanted a different life for us. But I think right now, this is for the best.

From now on let’s simply keep discussions about our daughter, finances and trying to end our relationship on the best possible terms for all three of us.

I’m devastated this is where we are at."

Then stop talking about the relationship. It’s doing you no good. The sooner you can bring yourself to do this the sooner you will heal one way or another.

Listen to no more promises. Talk to a lawyer. Have her served. If some day she comes to you and says "I have a new job, the AP is out of my life for ever, I have been working with a therapist for 12 months and I want to show you I can be a safe living partner for you, then maybe you can start slowly, real slowly, if you want.

I hope you’ll really consider doing this. I do t see things improving with her current attitude and approach.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:43 AM, Thursday, January 13th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3265   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8709461
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 7:32 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

What Stevesn said right above is excellent.

And I also like what you wrote in your op.... toward the end about her job and how she found the time to screw the posom but no time to take action to heal the marriage now. Have you told her that? Or written it out for her? Maybe combine some of that with Stevesn post.

posts: 441   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709592
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