Amilliondreams (original poster member #69387) posted at 4:42 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
Had the final end of relationship conversation with my mother that has been brewing for 8 months of no contact where she all but ignored mine and my children's existence in favor of my sister who had stalked, assaulted and vandalized my home before I got a restraining order- which is the worst thing I could've done according to my bloodline.
Came out to husband "feeding" baby on the bed right outside the door, something he's never done before to, I assume, eavesdrop. It angers me. Everything has to be about him where my family is concerned. I'm sick of it. I'm literally in soul crushing pain and simultaneous numbness at once and he doesn't offer time or comfort or anything other than a desire to hear the gossip. He's been happily waiting for this day for a long time. No more inlaws. I'm well and truly alone save for him and the girls. His codependent nature needed me to be fully reliant on him. He shows attitude to me immediately for being upset with him for eavesdropping and continues to stomp around and give attitude because it's more important for him to be acknowledged and turned to immediately than for me to feel the actual death pain and loss I was feeling. What an ass. I'm so disgusted by his true selfishness. And I do not have to be bound solely to him- the fool. I have apparently no problem ending relationships with people close to me. I'm getting pretty damn good at it. I dont need someone else. I need me. I need my kids. I could use some support but I don't need his fucking guilttrip selfish shit attached to it. So at bedtime he says do I want to talk. I say no. He asks again and says why not and I say I don't know my own emotions yet and I don't need yours too. I go to bathroom and come back and he starts in again but in a slightly different way. Do you think it's a problem that you don't want to talk to me but you can talk to other people?
Oh yeah let's talk about that again. So I texted my friend who has empathy to my family situ because she has been dealing with similar avenues. She offers me the comfort he didn't and the constructive comments I want without putting any shit on me. So how does he know all that? Yep back to another notch in the "he's obviously got a bug on my phone" which is a constant point of resentment to me and he has said time and time again he doesn't and I think I really hate him for that. Gaslighting me again. There is no safety here. This relationship is a farce. I dont have family anymore I abandoned them to stick with this failing farce and I deserve to pay the price I guess. Misery for me, no doubt mental and emotional abuse and unhappiness.
And when I state all this to him he gaslight again. Gives a total bs excuse of he wanted the baby to have an undistracted eating environment. Bull. He was upset because I didn't come downstairs or eat dinner. Bull. All deflecting mistruths because he can't acknowledge his selfish flaws. Ironic considering I had just detailed similar flaws to my mother about herself as I had begged her to just acknowledge her abuse to me. And yet here I am married to another perpetual liar who can't accept their own blame. So after alot of back and forth and me saying he just says, " you have problems " to me.
Yes asshole. I have an inconsiderate husband who fucked up my whole life with his fucking affair which in turn brought about everything I hate about myself and him - but shithead can't even give me 5 fucking minutes to absorb that I no longer have my mother in my life.
You have problems. End of convo. Goodnight. This is my life.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:02 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
I am so sorry for you. It’s just too much to handle all at once!!!!
A few suggestions for you.
People like your mother will NEVER admit their behavior or faults. You can talk til you are blue and they just won’t do a damn thing to help you in any way possible. Stop trying to make them "see" your point.
What you can do is try to accept that and move on from them. I don’t know if professional counseling would help you but it is worth a shot IMO.
Regarding your marriage. Wow!! Just wow!! Your H is a challenge to say it nicely. First off I would get a new phone. And keep it locked and NEVER give him access. If he wants to fight about it - I would go all in on that one. Never back down!!! Never give in!!!
You are a strong person. It’s time to set boundaries.
After my H’s affair (his second) I decided he either changed or I was D him. He knew the issues so I did not need to tell him anything. I was no longer going to be disrespected and it was time he got the message. Without my help.
The hard 180 was what I did. I mean HARD. He was unwelcome and I made sure he knew it. I stopped doing his laundry (8 years from Dday and I STILL don’t do his laundry). I did not eat meals with him unless kids were home. I was polite in front of kids otherwise I did not talk to him. I left the house as often as I could just to avoid him.
If your H wants to be a jerk — walk away. Don’t engage. If he says something irritating- just ignore him and leave his presence. Stop allowing HIM to be in control.
Get your own bank account and start putting $ aside. Just in case. You just don’t know if you may need it one day.
Because if my H EVER tapped my phone — the locks would be changed and his stuff on the street.
PS it may be illegal for him to do that — I’d find out the law.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 12:05 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
Amilliondreams (original poster member #69387) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
Thank you 1stwife. In truth I was just rambling out my emotions last night. There was little continuity to my post. It actually was meant to have been a post in off topic to find support for the grief I was feeling at the loss of a relationship with my mother when the only fault I brought was stopping a cycle of abuse/toxicity, which my parents believe to be normal. I did everything I could think if to stop that conclusion by talking to her and taking her to therapy both with me and on her own, but my mother simply refused to even remotely own up to her actions and inaction towards me. I didn't realize it turned into angry overtones about my spouse until SI staff moved it to general.
In the light of the morning, I think my spouse knew I'd be hurting and wanted to be there for me but did it in a wrong way as he couldn't put aside his hatred for my family and was gleeful this was the end. I imagine he was more in his head excited for that outcome than in any actual care for what I was going through. After I detailed that to him( in a rather angry and articulated way) he couldn't defend his actions because he couldn't argue that he was right and just turned to " you have problems " to me as a failsafe response.
As this is now in general though, I would like to explore that dynamic of our relationship. This recovery thing is supposed to be rather roller coaster up and down, no? Well we are in the down. For as much growth as he and I had previously thought I, had come since the affairs( so as not to get undue championship I did engage in a calculated revenge affair to 'teach him'), that seems gone and even though it's been 3 years he just seems so juvenile to me presently. His reaction in this instance with my mother really disgusted me. I haven't processed any emotions about that because as usual I'm keyholed into the role of guard of his emotions. I'm so tired. That's really the best description for me, desolate, withered and just so tired.
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 10:04 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022
As one madhatter to another, I think it's relevant that you broke NC with your AP two months ago and didn't confess until directly asked. If my husband did that, it would set us back tremendously.
WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)
prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 12:26 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022
Both of you are toxic and hurtful to each other.
Neither of you are truly addressing your own issues and it's continuing to bleed into your marriage.
Again...your identities as WS AND BS are heavily influencing your actions.
Your upset by the tracking of your phone...his BS identified is protecting him. Your WS identity is offended that he would do that.
Your BS identity is upset that he is not leaning into your pain regarding your Mom. His WS is not displaying empathy and only thinking of himself.
Amilliondreams (original poster member #69387) posted at 2:22 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022
BSR - you're correct, and thank you for remembering my posts! I find I automatically assume everyone's too busy to connect storyline and its quite exhausting to rehash each time for the sake of connectivity and ( as is the case now) it derails from any specific issues I want to address. As is illustrated in my own thought tangents essentially hijacking my post from my mother to him. But yes, you are correct I broke NC by responding to a text from my AP and was confronted a few hours later by my husband when he got home to which I owned up. As is the case then and now, while I believe I wouldve come to open up to him without any prodding, I didn't have the chance to or the chance to explore my own thoughts feelings why's or anything as in both cases he immediately was there questioning. I'm not attempting to pass the buck but it seemed as though you were making a stance that our downward slope is solely due to that break in NC. I wanted to elaborate on it since in one post it is impossible to put all details in when your dealing with emotions I myself don't understand in the moment.
Prissy- hurtful yes. I agree. I think it stems from hurts but hurtful is very accurate. Toxic I just have a hard time assigning as an adjective to us as to be toxic is to bring intentional malice and I just don't believe that to be him period and I don't believe that to be me, not since the immediate fallout of discovering the affair in the first. But I do see that he does get hurt that I don't immediately come to him to literally blurt out every thought. He has stated he wants me to work out my thoughts with him. I know this is what he wants but I don't do it, what's more I find I get angered when he continually exerts that pressure. I'd rather have time on my own to come to my own concrete opinion before telling him. I no longer want his emotions to influence mine, because they tend to become mine and I don't want to go back to being that person. I know this is what I've been told is wayward thinking, to keep a part of myself away from him and at least for now I'm having a hard time reconciling that line of thinking. I hope it'll change. But for what it's worth, when on the upswing these insecurities don't seem to exist. But in present times it's hard to feel much of anything, I tend to feel numb, ok functioning and normal to outsiders as I follow my head, but emotionwise? Definitely numb.
As for him. He has never done much outward work. He is confident that he is a better person because of the months of therapy I required and reading the books I bought for him at a painfully slow pace. I believe that he does believe that, but I also believe he isn't as strong as he feels he is. And unlike me, who still talks at length about this on a regular basis and still does IC with some breaks and still posts here- he doesn't. He doesn't feel he needs to. I wish he would join this community or any community of accountability but he just doesn't.
BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022
I no longer want his emotions to influence mine, because they tend to become mine and I don't want to go back to being that person. I know this is what I've been told is wayward thinking, to keep a part of myself away from him and at least for now I'm having a hard time reconciling that line of thinking.
This is one of the ways that becoming a madhatter complicates recovery. You now have two people who need to do the work of rebuilding trust, but both of them have good reason not to trust each other. Keeping a part of yourself away from him is simultaneously smart BS behavior and counterproductive wayward behavior. And the same is true for him, which gives him an excuse not to do the work.
WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)
prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 3:57 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022
To piggyback on BSR you measure him by the standards of a wayward husband. And not by the standards of BS.
As a BS I can share that it isn't that I wanted him to "word vomit" I wanted him to share his process. To challenge, support and offer encouragement.
I know you don't see this as toxic...to me that's another wayward sign. jYou are continuing a behavior pattern(you both are) that you both KNOW is hurtful to your partner for reasons that are selfish as you both are only seeing it through the lens of your own BS.
You say its not due to the break in NC...how do you know? How do you know he isn't viewing this as a way to connect? Honestly..if your mother is as toxic as YOU say as a partner I may have rejoiced that you were free from those miserable as people. I would want to talk to you to see what brought you there. In this instance...I would definitely want the "word vomit" portion of your processing. This was a HUGE emotional STEP for you given the history and I would want to be apart of the that. I would also be concerned that with the break in NC happening not that long ago that if you are in a vulnerable space and not sharing with me you maybe sharing with your AP. This is fertile time to restart the affair due to your vulnerabilty, recent break in NC, loss of a relationship with your family and withdrawing from him.
You want him to be accountable. But are you being TRUTHFUL and ACCOUNTABLE to yourself? From your posts I don't think so and to me that is screaming wayward behavior. But like BSR stated..as a BS he has proven he is an unsafe partner.
Its quite the mindfuck and I am sorry you both have to experience it.
Amilliondreams (original poster member #69387) posted at 3:12 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022
But how? It always comes back to the same question for me...how??? And also, assume that I may be the only one who would follow any steps. So how can I do this, like step by step ideas? How did you?
And as for my mother, she is a horrible selfish person now. I can see and realize that. But I just cannot let go of who I though she was for so many many years. How loving and just there she was as long as there was no adversity. But as soon as we were on opposite sides of any issue she showed her severe selfishness and painful apathy. Intellectually I know that but yes I'm grieving who she was to me and who I expected her to remain. I wasn't ready to turn to him and I strongly doubt his motivation was to be there for me right away, it was of pure glee that he was finally getting rid of the inlaws who have looked down on him since they learned he cheated on me. Simple as that. I do think eventually he would've gotten there once he rejoiced his own "fortune", as this has been a pattern. He finds satisfaction in my loss of family or close friends that didn't like him and we've experienced this before with just friends of mine so I believe the pattern is the same. My mothers loss hurt alot more and I just knew when I saw the look on his face I'd have to hear his poorly disguised gloating and no I didn't want to hear it or deal with it yet. I would like to add that he does come to empathy eventually, but usually only after I explain long and hard how I am hurting and how his reactions hurt even more. But again, as I started this post, I was just to tired in all senses to give in to him and turn to him putting aside figuring out what I felt or wanted to say or do.
But back to- how?