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Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo

New Beginnings :
Starting to date, maybe?!

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 Breakingapart (original poster member #74151) posted at 9:44 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

So I think I feel ready to meet someone new. I’ve joined a dating site. Have chatted with a few people. Seem to get a shit load of matches from very young people looking for sex.
I have met one guy who is close in age, no kids, never married. Who apparently had a difficult break up and is not looking for anything long term. I met ex WH when I was 16… needless to say I don’t know how to do this? How do you date or have sex with someone without emotion? Connection? Expectations? Will i just feel guilty or hurt afterwards?
Wish this brain would turn off for a minute and I could just have fun.
Any advice or stories appreciated!

posts: 161   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8708024
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Queen ( member #52391) posted at 3:31 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Well, I must admit, I found it much easier than I thought it would be. My advice would be to just date. Plan to go out and have a nice time. I don't advise going out with someone who is clearly stating they just want sex unless you're sure you want to do that. That's just too much pressure, IMHO. You can date casually without having sex with someone. You get to decide if and when you want to be intimate.

Why would you feel guilty? Two consenting adults who are honest with one another having sex? Nothing to feel guilty about there. You may enjoy that more than you think. And if you don't enjoy it, just don't do it again. Don't waste time feeling guilty. You probably will get hurt at some point. But, if you've been through infidelity, you know you can survive any pain that you may experience while dating.

Go out and have fun! This is an exciting adventure!

posts: 98   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2016
id 8708108
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 1:50 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I didn't start dating right away. I just started doing things with people. Bike rides, hikes, wine-tastings, etc and met some new people during the pandemic with outdoor activities and created a new friend group with people with similar interests. The first time I had sex with someone turned me into an emotional wreck for a month or two afterwards as it felt like I was the one that was cheating, even if I was no longer married. I dated a few people after my divorce was final but not while I was only separated.

I've now been divorced for over a year and have been seeing one lady for about 7 months. Neither of us are particularly fond of the term "dating" at our age (58 and 62). Instead, we do things together (kayak, bike ride, concerts, meals, movies, and just stuff). Sometimes it is simply sharing an activity and going our separate ways. Sometimes it is romantic and intimate. Sometimes it is just us, sometimes it is out with friends, but we always enjoy each other's company and are respectful of each other's lives.

Dating is different for me this time around. I like sleeping in my own bed, alone. She likes sleeping in her own bed, alone. I like not having the pressure of spending all of my free time with someone else but also love the thrill of being with someone I really care about and who really cares about me. I like having someone to talk with. We're both school teachers so generally during the week all we can do is talk on the phone or text.

Both of us have adult sons although my youngest is barely an adult at 18. She loves him.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 363   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8708189
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:24 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Who apparently had a difficult break up and is not looking for anything long term.

More importantly, what are YOU looking for?

I found it important to know what I was looking for at that point and be clear about it. IE I had no problem (rather perferred) a long-term, mono relationship but I was no willing to cohabitate until my children were grown.

I was very clear about that from the get-go. It is important to know yourself so you are not wasting your time (or someone else's).

Now back to this OLD guy. Folks are looking for different things so does he mean he is just looking for someone casual to do stuff with? Or is he looking for a FWB deal? Or is he into multi-dating? Once you understand what he is looking for, you can judge if it matches up with your preferences and go from there.

How do you date or have sex with someone without emotion?

I couldn't. Now 'emotion' doesn't have to mean love. I mean, I think you should like the person if you are dating...who wants to spend time with someone you have no connection with?

Dip your toes in. The more you do it, the more you will have a direction on what does and doesn't work FOR YOU. And remember, this is not in concrete. If it gets to be too much, just disable your profile for a little bit until you are ready again. I did that many times.

posts: 6694   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8708198
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I have to echo everything Queen said. I went into it with no expectations just wanted to have fun. You will be able to tell right away the one's that just want casual sex and those that want to get to know someone first. Depending on how I felt or how attracted I was to a person would sometimes determine if I wanted to be intimate laugh

I just recently met someone who is long distance. Right now it works because we both have busy lives but are able to meet up when we can (it's usually once a week) and talk on phone or video chat. We text everyday. So far it's light and fun and I am enjoying myself.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8103   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8708340
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 Breakingapart (original poster member #74151) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Thanks everyone. I’m hating that people are so deceitful on these dating sites.
I know I’m fine alone. I also know I want to share things with someone. Have an adult whom I care about and cares about me to share things with. I am not looking for someone to move in or to marry! I also know I can’t be intimate with someone without feeling. I’m so scared to be hurt again.
It’s paralyzing

posts: 161   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8708374
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 1:50 AM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Somebody mentioned using a site where you pay because that would weed out some of the trolls.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 782   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8708790
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 2:22 PM on Monday, January 17th, 2022

I had the same issue. Thought it would be so fun to find out what sex for sex sake would be like after being a cheater appliance for so long, and then I immediately realized I still don't want to be an appliance so it never happened for me. I can't use someone else for strictly that either after thinking about it. Oh well to each his own. Know thyself. There is a part of me that admires people who can just do that.

Dating is different for me this time around. I like sleeping in my own bed, alone. She likes sleeping in her own bed, alone. I like not having the pressure of spending all of my free time with someone else but also love the thrill of being with someone I really care about and who really cares about me.

Wow! I am so afraid that this would be a deal breaker for the good guys out there. I like my own bed (except it would be great to share sometimes:-). The pressure to be an 'all the time' couple is not inviting to me and I don't think I would want someone who doesn't have their own things they do anyway. Good to know the combo exists.

posts: 654   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8710300
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twicefooled ( member #42976) posted at 2:49 PM on Tuesday, January 18th, 2022

I'm someone that can have sex without love - I have to actually like the person, but sleeping with them doesn't mean I have to be with only them.

I grew up Catholic, did all the right things in the right order, and ended up in a shit marriage. I met my ex at age 21 and we were together for 16 yrs (1998-2014). I figured I was destined to be single forever. For the first 2 years after leaving my ex, I didn't even look at a man "in that way" Then I started wanting to date. I went into it with a mindset that dating is for finding things out about myself, and as long as I was honest (that I wasn't looking to marry anyone or move in with anyone, wanted to have fun with a consenting adult, etc.)

Dating can be bumpy but it can be lots of fun. I was mostly single 2014 but in 2020 I met the man of my dreams. Him and I are on the same page. First guy I've said "I love you" to since my ex. But saying it felt natural and right.

Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, and don't feel guilty about the things you do want to do. Just be open and honest. Some people suck and some are amazing and without dating you won't find a good one <3 Figure out what you want and don't settle for less :)

May 29 2021 ***reclaimed myself and decided to delete my story with my ex because I'm now 7 years free from him and mentally healthier than I've been in years.

*********When you know better, you can do better*************

posts: 432   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8710454
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:46 PM on Wednesday, January 19th, 2022

Last fall upon urging of some friends, I joined 2 dating sites. Matched with a lot of people…which to be honest shocked me…apparently there is a dating life in your mid-fifties. Chatting with a lot online all at the same time. Most chats were painful and frankly like having teeth pulled. But one I seemed to click with and we met IRL.

We started dating…and I was completely up front that I wanted casual and was going to date others while seeing him. Which I did. Odd thing I learned about myself…is that I couldn’t multi-date. I tried but it wasn’t for me. I decided to see where things went with the person and go from there.

I was terrified about sex…after 23 years of a bad marriage…the thought of it frightened me. When we finally did…all my insecurities were wiped out. For me at that point in time, it was emotionless sex. But I found it super empowering after years of not feeling wanted by WH.

It took me months to delete my dating profiles…and honestly I kept looking at them for a long time…but I am happy to say I am still seeing the same man and I super excited about the new relationship and I am now "all in". Am I scared to get hurt again…of course…but the key difference for me is that the new man makes me feel 1000% safe. He knows my history and seems to be able to "read" when or if I trigger and goes out of his way to give me security (or space) whatever it is I need at the moment. And if this ends up not working out….I now know I can survive anything…heck, I have already survived the worst. We are all survivors here.

My advice is take you time, it’s hard to weed out all the matches…go for coffee, go for walks, keep it simple at first. Have some safe fun…with no strings attached…and see what happens. 😊

Me - BS Him -WS DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife

posts: 532   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8710603
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 Breakingapart (original poster member #74151) posted at 2:41 PM on Thursday, January 20th, 2022

I don’t have it in me to just have sex. Kind of wish I did.
Thank you everyone for all of your experiences. This is all so helpful!!

posts: 161   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8710800
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:54 AM on Friday, January 21st, 2022

Breakingapart…I just wanted to say the great thing about dating is that you can be you. There’s no pressure to have casual sex…remember you are in control and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I felt some pressure from friends to date more than one person at the same time, but I knew it wasn’t for me…so I didn’t do it. When you are ready…you will know and everything just come naturally.

Me - BS Him -WS DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017DDay4 - found out about LTA with ex-wife

posts: 532   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8710997
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