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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
Do you want a bit of a laugh?

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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 2:38 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I had a mini-argument with my ex wife this past weekend.

She was doing her normal, low-level parental alienation stuff. She got our son a gaming console as a gift for Christmas and then she refused to let him bring it to my home for the rest of the week. This is not explicitly a violation of our parenting plan, but it was something that we were explicitly taught to NEVER do during our custody evaluation.

I learned of her decision from my daughter, who my ex had texted to inform me of this decision. We are explicitly banned from communicating to each other via the children, so this *was* an explicit violation of the parenting plan.

So, I messaged my ex about both of these incidents, letting her know that both of these are hurting her children.

She responded with predictable vitriol. I am, according to her, hurting our children even more by occasionally showing up late to pick them up for my parenting time (not true) and that I have been telling them that I can't wait until they turn 18 years old so that I can stop paying child support. This latter accusation is very much not true; I am quite happy to financially support my children. In fact, I have never even had this thought, let alone said it out loud to someone else. The reality is that once they turn 18 years old, I will still need to support them financially because my ex wife will not. So, my effective "child support" will continue once my kids turn 18, albeit without my ex wife getting to control the funds and keep a portion for herself.

Anyway, that's all background for the punchline.

I eventually made a comment that she needs to get over her anger at me and to stop hurting our children a lot in a futile effort to hurt me a little (or not at all). I suggested that she follow the advice of our custody evaluator and to see a therapist to help her get over the end of her marriage. She responded with one of her funniest lines yet:

I should have divorced you a long time ago!

Ya think? You had multiple affairs (although she admits to only one) that occurred over most of our marriage. So, I responded in a very honest manner that I am sure cut her hard:

I agree that we should have gotten divorced a long time ago.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8707915
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 5:53 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Good job at staying in control and pointing out how her behaviors affect the kids. From the information you've given, I doubt she really cares, or doesn't believe she ever does anything wrong. As such, I doubt she'll change her behavior, but I think you have to try.

I hope other things are going well for you and that your kids enjoyed their time with you over the holidays.

posts: 1582   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8707967
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

From the information you've given, I doubt she really cares, or doesn't believe she ever does anything wrong. As such, I doubt she'll change her behavior, but I think you have to try.

I don't think there is any chance that she will ever change her behavior. She hates me, that much is clear. She does whatever she can to make my life more difficult, even at the expense of her own children.

My primary purpose in pointing our her behavior is to document it (we use court-approved communication software). In the two years since we reached an agreement on custody, she has clearly and obviously violated the parenting plan about a dozen times. I send her a quick message each time and let her know that she's violating the parenting plan and I ask her to stop. Her response is typically a retaliatory accusation that is usually completely false and usually not a violation of the parenting plan (for example, you pick up the kids late... I don't show up late and if I do... so what if I am 5-10 minutes late?).

I send these messages just in case she takes me back to court for some reason. It's probably a waste of my time, considering that I have the legal minimum parenting time (unless there is physical or sexual abuse) so it's not like I am going to ever get less parenting time. In theory, though, I could get more parenting time but my lawyer basically has said there is no chance unless the kids decide that they want to live with me or I can prove that she is physically endangering the kids.

Anyway, it's not a lot of effort to send these messages, even if there is a little benefit. As a minimum, I feel like I need to stick up for my kids even if it's with their mother.

The cost of sending these messages is usually more parental alienation, so I only send messages when the parenting plan is explicitly being violated.

This time, a day after I sent the message, she called my son using FaceTime and she was telling him how much fun she was having with her BF's kids... basically, triggering FOMO in him. I didn't actually see or hear the conversation, but my GF did and she was livid that any mother would do that to her own child.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8708007
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 8:45 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

and that I have been telling them that I can't wait until they turn 18 years old so that I can stop paying child support. This latter accusation is very much not true; I am quite happy to financially support my children. In fact, I have never even had this thought, let alone said it out loud to someone else.

I just saw a thread elsewhere on SI and I realized that the above statement is not 100% true.

I am pretty confident that I am not the biological father of my younger two children. If I wanted to avoid child support, then I would have gotten genetic testing done. So... from one point of view, I want to pay child support.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8708013
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:15 AM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

I know that you’re not thinking about trying to get out of child support and have no interest in forfeiting your paternity rights, but I just wanted to add that I don’t think a DNA test proving the children weren’t yours would help you get out of child support. You were married at the time the children were conceived (which is enough to establish legal paternity), your name is on the birth certificate, and you have been raising them as your own for years. Therefore, the court could very likely to determine that genetic paternity is irrelevant at this point and it’s in the best interest of the children for you to continue supporting them financially, even if you want to forfeit your paternity rights. Many men have been screwed over in precisely this manner.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8708614
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freetogonow ( member #57821) posted at 4:29 PM on Sunday, January 9th, 2022

That cracked me up. As though leaving you after getting fucked inside out by multiple AP is going to "punish" you duh

I had a similar exchange. I was severely depressed for a long time and I actually think in a sick way that it stroked his ego. "See how great a prize I am? She’s destroyed that I left her".

Well the depression healed, I healed, and I got better and better. meanwhile he started realizing the grass isn’t greener and I know that the development of my true peace and happiness started to become a draw.

Him: So…it seems like you’re doing really well. (And fished for details, wanted to know if I was seeing someone etc, I just ignored all that and said…)

Me: yep. My life is epic these days. You did me a massive favor as it turns out.

Him: heh. Yeah. So it seems like we’re BOTH happier this way. (This was said as if he was actually saying, "oh you’re happier without me? Well screw you then, I’m happier without you too. Take that!")

Me: (cheerily). Oh totally. You and (the ho) have WAY more in common than you and I ever did.

Heh heh. You could tell that he was like…hold up did she just insult us?

Yes. Yes I did. They are both garbage human beings and I am not. So better for us all that he’s with his own kind—another garbage human being—than a queen like me.

[This message edited by freetogonow at 4:30 PM, Sunday, January 9th]

posts: 1748   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2017
id 8708698
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:13 AM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Awesome job hitting the STBXs with reality!!!!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5378   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8708807
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 1:35 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

"Me: (cheerily). Oh totally. You and (the ho) have WAY more in common than you and I ever did."


heh heh, THAT can be said for likely most of the AP's and WW's on here.

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8708836
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:46 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Therefore, the court could very likely to determine that genetic paternity is irrelevant at this point and it’s in the best interest of the children for you to continue supporting them financially, even if you want to forfeit your paternity rights. Many men have been screwed over in precisely this manner.

I don't think this is correct in my location but I don't know for sure. At my initial consultation with my third attorney, we discussed this very briefly. She suggested (which is very different than a firm statement) that I could avoid child support with a genetic test. She specifically advised me to not get a genetic test because I wanted as much custody as I could get (regardless of biology) and she suggested that a failed genetic tested would lead to me never seeing my kids again.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8708894
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 barcher144 (original poster member #54935) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Well the depression healed, I healed, and I got better and better. meanwhile he started realizing the grass isn’t greener and I know that the development of my true peace and happiness started to become a draw.

I am so happy that you are doing better. I know that you struggled for a long time... I have always rooted for you!

My GF and I are passively trying to figure out why my xWW hates me so much. Right now, our best guesses are because I started seeing someone else and she got jealous (while she was literally seeing 4 guys simultaneously) or that I moved on from her (i.e., she wanted me to continuing to beg her to stay with me) or she can tell that I am happier without her. Regardless, there is something not right with these people....

Yes. Yes I did. They are both garbage human beings and I am not. So better for us all that he’s with his own kind—another garbage human being—than a queen like me.

My xWW's new boyfriend seems like a genuinely nice guy and I actually feel sorry for him. He has three kids, all of whom seem to be great (i.e., my kids like his kids a lot). I don't know if xWW is actively cheating on him anymore, but I know that she was seeing at least three other guys as recently as July 2019 (which is when she removed her phone from my plan; they started dating no later than December 2018).

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8708897
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 8:24 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

The WW's "Dreams" of how the former marriage was will always go to fantasy. My EX-WW insists we had a fantastic marriage that should be looked back upon fondly. Of course, she WOULD see it that way, she had everything she wanted plus all the other guys as well, what's not to love from her perspective? Me? It was a hellhole of a marriage that I froze myself in, catatonic for years knowing I had married yet "ANOTHER" cheater right after getting out of a 10-year marriage with a serial cheater who produced a daughter that was not my child biologically. Took a lot for me to finally extricate myself. Of course, her finding her "SOULMATE" after five other affairs (ALL married men) and 24 years married to me and then walking out on me and our three kids (11, 16 and 21) helped. Hearing from my Ex-MIL that the ex-WW is unhappy, controlled by the other man (who remains married and now seems to have a harem with my Ex and his wife. They all spend holidays together duh ).

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8709114
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