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Wayward Side :
Addressing AP

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 Badwife79 (original poster new member #79641) posted at 7:13 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I finally decided last night was a time for transparency on my part. I have trickle truthed for long enough and I needed to come clean about details in order to help with our healing. I finally admitted that I had fallen in love with my AP and even after the AP ended the affair I chase after him a year later by going to see him at his place of employment. I still had some feelings for him when he was transferred back to the same store as I and the place of the affair. Because of my untruths in the past, my BH wants to make sure this is all of it. He told me tonight we are going to the AP house to get his side of everything so this can be done. Problem is the AP will not talk to him. He tried contacting him by phone and AP blocked him. He went to AP house where AP and his girlfriend threatened to call the cops if he did not leave. I know he will not speak with my husband because he is chicken shit. I tried telling my husband that I don’t want him to get into any trouble as we have a 6 year old and it is 9 days until Christmas. He told me that either I go with him tonight or he is packing up and leaving. I really don’t feel like going to AP house is a good idea but I also have to prove I am ready to put my marriage as priority. Any advice

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2021
id 8704528
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:04 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

BS here...the AP will only cause more trouble.

Confronting AP is a very bad idea, the cops will probably be called.

Do you have a close friend/family member who you can speak to about your husband's plan who can talk him out of it?

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8704536
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

Congratulations on coming clean. I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do. It's a big deal and I really do commend you for putting your BS's needs above your own here.

I'm a BS. Although I got 95% of the truth on D-Day, I got a pile of trickle truth details dropped on me a few months post D-Day (details on timing that my fWH was holding back because he knew it would be particularly hurtful for me - true!). Anyhow, long story short, I know how your H is feeling right now. I was actually reasonably in control on my original D-Day but holy cow, did I ever lose my sh*t the day I got the TT. At one point I left work without telling anyone and was literally doing laps of a park nearby my office screaming and crying to myself. My WH had to leave his office and come find me and coax me home. I kicked him out that night (up until that point

I think your BS is probably feeling pretty desperate right now and like he doesn't have a lot to lose (been there). I think it is very important for you to demonstrate to him that you are on his team, no matter what. I know you don't want to go to AP's house (I don't blame you - it seems like a bad idea) but if that is what BS wants, I think it's important you let him know you will go with him on the condition that you will go straight home if the cops are called. The reason for this is not to protect the AP's wishes (f*ck that guy!), or for you to save face in front of your AP, but to protect your BS from getting arrested - make that clear to him.

This sounds like a tough situation. I'm sorry. I hope your BS changes his mind.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8704540
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:25 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

This is a terrible idea. For one thing.. it's breaking contact. NC should NEVER BE BROKEN, not for any reason. And for another thing, it opens you both up to accusations of harassment. Hell, You don't even know if the AP might think your BH is violent or something and pick up a weapon. There's real risk involved that someone might go to jail or end up injured or even dead.

I commend you for your new sense of honesty and your willingness to work on your marriage. But my advice is to look to YOUR marriage and not go looking for trouble. It might have taken you this long to reach full honesty, but the FACTS are that it really has been sixteen years. The AP and any cop responding to a call is most likely to think your actions are illogical if not outright crazy.

He told me that either I go with him tonight or he is packing up and leaving. I really don’t feel like going to AP house is a good idea but I also have to prove I am ready to put my marriage as priority. Any advice

Let him. My advice would be that if he wants to leave over this, he's NOT rational and you should just step back and let him do what he's going to do. There's no reason for both of you to break NC or get into trouble.

The dirty little secret of R is that, as BS, we can never be 100% sure. We weren't there. We have to use our best judgment and decide whether we believe we've heard the full truth or not. Your BH is not exempt from that rule. At some point, he's going to have to make a decision as to whether or not he believes what you've told him.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8704541
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 8:55 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I would tell your husband that going to the AP is only going to have the AP lie to your BS.

He will see this as you protecting the AP. I know I would as an enraged BH. So, instead offer to write him a real timeline. Without any lies. Then say after the holidays you will take a polygraph to confirm all the sexual contact is included in the timeline.

Thing is, if you lie in the poly, you should know you are done for. He will never be able to trust you. He also is pissed because this lie just happened now. I am sure you said it was just sex at some point in time. Now you can't say that anymore. Now it is that you entirely replaced your BH with this AP. You should probably give your BH some space. crash on the couch a couple of nights or sleep in your kid's room. He needs space to thrash around and process.

Sorry you are in this position. It is tough to reason with someone who is so flooded with emotions he can't even have an adult conversation.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 8:58 PM, Thursday, December 16th]

posts: 609   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8704546
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I don’t want to be harsh here as this is a protected forum, but I really have a hard time with you getting congratulations for possibly coming clean after 16 years. You said it’s all out now, but how many times have you said that to him before. Why should he believe you now?

He knows you loved the guy. What he wants to know if you were intimate with him after he discovered the affair. He is right to be concerned. You loved him, and he was a serial philander. Not a great combination. Especially you both being back in the same place the affair took place only two years prior.

Give him a Christmas present of a polygraph. He deserves to get a truth he can trust.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1879   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8704547
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

At some point, he's going to have to make a decision as to whether or not he believes what you've told him.

And, after being lied to,for SIXTEEN years, it would be nearly impossible to believe you. That's on you,not him.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8704562
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Jacobwakeup ( new member #78699) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Bad wife, I read your never ending chain of posts and really question why you are doing all of this?

Your treatment of your husband has been truly despicable and I do not find one redeeming feature in you as a person. You have made your husband’s life hell and this marriage is broken beyond repair

So what is your motive for carrying on in the way you do? It can’t be because, all of a sudden, you have had that Road To Damascus conversion and love your husband so much that you want to make it up to him (by the way,you can’t, there is way too much damage done here).

Do you just like the attention?

Are you getting a thrill out of extending the affair through keeping on bringing up details etc?

Is this a real life or is this just fantasy?

Oh, I am sure you will have a string of meaningless words in reply but a major step forward may be to get yourself some psychiatric help

Pottering About

posts: 29   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2021   ·   location: England
id 8704579
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:15 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

I don't think facing the AP will do any good. If the AP is avoiding it, I would definitely not recommend that your BS force him. I don't recommend it even when there is no possibility of trouble.

And your desicion about being transparent; you didn't stop the TT. He desperatly wanted to hear that you were in love with your AP, and you felt compelled to tell him; one more drop after 16 years.

You told us the same story you told him. Come on, there must be more. You have worked in the same place again for years with someone you had sex with and had feelings for and treated each other like two strangers? You probably have made some attemption at least.

It was suggested that you prepare a detailed timeline and get a polygraph. You said you could too. Did you do anything about it, and if you didn't, why? You should see that this is your only option now. And especially, you should be prepared for the question of whether you are still lying to your husband and whether there is something you are hiding from him. The sooner you come clean, the better.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 12:18 AM, Friday, December 17th]

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8704585
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Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 1:24 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Problem is the AP will not talk to him.

That's not the problem. That's not even a problem.

posts: 167   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8704593
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BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 2:18 AM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Bad wife,

I hope by now you have talked your husband out of doing this stunt because there are multiple possible outcomes and most of them are not good for you or him. Let’s list some possibilities ( and I do not know anything about the OM or your husbands physical stature, age, or temperament)
(1) AP offers your husband a glass of wine invites him in and gives him all the information he wants.
(2) AP stands at door and talks to him cordially providing him information he wants
(3) AP tells you and your husband to get the fuck off his property and /or calls police.
(4) AP provokes your husband into physical confrontation and beats the crap out of your husband, in which case the police will take your husband right to jail if he started it
(5) ap depending on what state you are in, it could be even worse, and I will not get into that but it could get much worse than fists.

Now the first two are about as likely to happen as you are to be invited to ride on Santas sled this week. Nothing good can come of the other more likely three.

You need to do absolutely everything in your power to stop your husband from uninvited barging in on someone else’s property. It is a no win game and he will feel even worse when he gets nothing but trouble and no answers or worse fabricated answers to cause more trouble between you.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 492   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8704601
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:17 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Just imagine the power a BS is placing in the hands of the OP by confronting in search of some "truth".

Like in this instance: What has OM got to lose? It’s way in the past, it won’t impact his life in any major way. He can tell the BH that the WW was begging for it, did sexual acts that would make a pornstar blush or would meet him for sex for the next decade. Whatever.
It’s normal and expected response to be on the defensive when confronted, and one effective form of defense is offense. OM can react in a manner aimed at being offensive with no intent or will to be truthful.
Doesn’t have to be a grain of truth in it, yet it could completely wreck any option of reconciling.

The OP husband has been given advice on how to move on. It includes suggestions on how to reach a stage where he feels comfortable with the truth he gets. He’s chosen not to follow that advice.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10172   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8704731
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

my untruths

Call it what it is. Lies.

Rage is normal for a BS. Especially when they've been abused. Which is what you've done. You have thoroughly abused your husband. For nearly 2 decades.

You talk about being scared of his anger,because he says things that hurt you. Most betrayed spouse's anger greatly reduces,when their WS knocks off the bullshit and becomes honest.

Schedule the polygraph. Do it today. Don't wait on him to tell you he needs it. Be proactive.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:54 PM, Friday, December 17th]

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8704752
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:47 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Is this really all of it, Badwife? Have you finally told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Because you had a lot of people snowed here who wanted to immediately paint your husband in a bad light and assumed he was just an unreasonable asshole who couldn't get over it after 16 years. I think some of them just seem to hate men, but whatevs.

But frankly the bigger problem is you went along with that narrative here, even encouraged that perception, talked constantly here about your husband’s anger. You basically threw your husband under the bus AGAIN and you fed everyone here a story. Why?

I'm willing to bet IRL your husband’s anger is nothing special, nothing to write home about, and that you have been exaggerating it. I was enraged after I found out. Most people are. And it's not a cover for sadness either. That's wrong and science has shown it. Moral anger after a vile moral transgression is not only normal, it is healthy, and it is a PRIMARY emotion. So is moral disgust (so be ready for that too).

You have prolonged your husband’s trauma. This might as we'll have all happened yesterday and I'm shocked at those here who have implied or played into a ridiculous narrative about how your husband has been unreasonable.

I'm with others who wonder exactly what you're doing here. What are you really hoping to accomplish?

A lot of us have finely attuned bullshit meters as a result of being betrayed. We can sniff out lies. People come here assuming they can continue to bullshit their way through this and are often quickly disabused of that notion. The lies and elisions and half truths and mind games will come out. As Johnny Cash sings "you can run on for a long time" but sooner or later the games come to an end.

Whatever you do, do not encourage confronting AP. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. Your AP is a vile and pathetic excuse for a man. Your husband towers above him. He does not need to stoop down to even acknowledge your AP’s presence.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:54 PM, Friday, December 17th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8704778
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

** posting as a member **

I don’t want to be harsh here as this is a protected forum, but I really have a hard time with you getting congratulations for possibly coming clean after 16 years.

This is a forum where we encourage WS to confront their toxic behavior patterns and improve upon them. Positive feedback is part of that process. I can understand why that might be hard to read, but since the growth of the WS is the Wayward Side's primary objective, I support that growth even if it's small and/or late in developing.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8704787
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:27 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

I don’t want to be harsh here as this is a protected forum, but I really have a hard time with you getting congratulations for possibly coming clean after 16 years.

Would it have been ideal for her to come clean immediately? OBVIOUSLY. But this is a community that meets people where they are, and this is where she is. Would it have been easier for her to continue lying? Probably. But knowing that, she made the right choice which also happened to be the difficult one. I imagine she is going through an absolute sh*tstorm at home right now (yes, one of her making but that doesn't change how tough it probably is for her too). As a BS I absolutely empathize with what her BS is going through - I believe I noted that. That doesn't mean it's not okay (and in fact important) to acknowledge and give her credit for taking the right step.

If you have a difficult time reading on the Wayward board (and I absolute get why this could be triggering), I would encourage you not to.

OP - How did it go? I'm really hoping the confrontation did not take place.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8704816
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 9:32 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

I’m sorry for the post. I stand corrected.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1879   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8704818
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 10:23 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Jacobwakeup, you have a pm.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14742   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8704828
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 10:51 PM on Friday, December 17th, 2021

Let me remind everyone that this is the Wayward Forum. Please give the OP respect and provide assistance and advice without throwing 2x4’s.

You all are capable of getting your point across without being disrespectful.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14742   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8704832
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