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Bullsh*t friends tell you

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 katmandude54 (original poster member #35992) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

A friend of mine (who, incidentally, was introduced to me by my NOW ex, AFTER she move out) told me today that she told them that her AP was her "SOUL MATE."
I told them, I didn't care, the AP would not know what those words mean or could not fathom the weight behind that phrase anyway, and she was now my "EX" and what she does, how she feels, and who she "feels" for means nothing to me.
But, then I got to thinking (probably the 2 glasses of wine).
I was married to her for 25 years (We were actually married just two months shy of 30, but she moved out after 25). I had a vasectomy reversed for her (I wanted more kids too, so, not really FOR her), we had three children together, I adopted her daughter from a previous, I went with her everywhere, shopping, travel, etc. (somehow, she still found the time to cheat, six times), supported her when she finished college (RN BSN), moved with her to Florida when her parents moved there and wanted family to go with, was a willow who never broke, but bent with the wind. I coulda sworn I was the definition of soul mate. But, she showed her true colors. Her soul mate now? STILL married to his wife, not married to my ex. They have holiday together, party together, his kids are always there. Her kids with me? She rarely sees them. In fact, our youngest (16 in two weeks) hasn't seen her mom since March. And they live 20 minutes away.
This "friend" also told me that she told them she is afraid of that "soul mate" and doesn't know how to get away from him.
No way in heaven or hell am I treading those waters. That greener grass she thought she spied? Was dandelions and crabgrass.
I can and will put up, deal with, let my psyche handle a lot. But NOT going back to that scenario. Not going back to be subsumed in indifference and disrespect. I'm my own person now. I still have kids to raise and life to live.
Still, it makes me wonder. How can you have a soul mate when you have no soul?

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8700083
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:50 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Because it sounds so good to say the word to others and makes it sound like it was their destiny. barf

Grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 696   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8700093
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 4:38 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

My husbands AP called him her "soul mate." What is it with that term and people in infidelity? I think it does have something to do with absolving themselves to some degree. The universe, or whatever, brought them together and they just couldn’t help themselves. Or I suppose to justify their shittiness, "I wouldn’t have normally done something like this, but they are my soul mate!" Fucking gag me.

So he’s her soul mate, but she wants to leave, and she’s afraid of him? Well GD the powers that be just won’t let this woman make her own decisions. Poor thing. 😂

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 735   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8700096
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 7:12 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Spouses cheat for different reasons but one of the key attributes always seems to be selfishness - selfishness on an epic scale. Like you, I made my life about pleasing my wife for 20 years. I put her happiness first almost always. Sadly, when you do that they come to expect it and take it for granted. Suddenly none of it counts anymore because it's expected. For the selfish WS that means it's time to look for attention elsewhere.

I'm fortunate that my FWW eventually realized how foolish she had been and became truly remorseful. But it took a lot of work in IC trying to figure out what was wrong with her that led her to cheat. It sounds like your X is perfectly happy to carry on oblivious to how broken she is. And now the bloom is off the rose and she's starting to miss all the support that she took for granted.

Don't be surprised if she comes around looking for it.

The sad thing is that I used to believe that my FWW and I were "soulmates". I was pragmatic about everything but love. In that I was deeply romantic in the heroic sense. We had "true love" which meant absolute trust. Absolute trust that was used and abused to cheat right under my nose. Now I'm pragmatic about love along with everything else. I can be romantic but I'm no longer a romantic. Sad that unremorseful WSs get to hang on to their romantic notions of love while BSs are left to deal with the reality of betrayal.

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 119   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8700101
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 katmandude54 (original poster member #35992) posted at 3:42 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

"Seeking2Forgive: Don't be surprised if she comes around looking for it."

Oh, she's already done that. Three years into our "separation" (more like the beginning of my independence) she called me asking to come back. After I stopped laughing I told her there was no way in HELL that I would ever take her back under any and all conditions, ever ... PERIOD!

The freaking gall of the woman, to think I remained the mild-mannered and subservient ass-wipe that took all her shit for years and would gladly take her back, full of some other guy's CRAP. Hell no dear wifey to be ex. I am NOT THAT PERSON ANY MORE. I told her that. I am different. I am independent. I am stronger. I am no longer the kind of person you can fuck with and toy with and shit on.

Man, THAT DAY FELT OH SO FUCKING WONDERFUL!

And now, DAYS, WEEKS go by that, unless one of my kids brings her up, she no longer passes through my mind.

I'm sure some of you know, but that is a blessing and a wonderful aspect of divorce. Freedom of thought. Freedom of mind, Freedom to think and feel and act and live, without being squashed into a small, little corner and told you'll like it or else.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YOU ALL AND ENJOY LIFE

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 3:43 PM, Thursday, November 25th]

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8700145
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lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 3:54 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

I wish every WS and AP meet the same fate as yours laugh after they murder the innocence and emotional safety of their kids and partners. I can live with that closure.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8700149
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 4:25 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Grass is always greener over the septic tank

That needs to go to the quotes thread!!! Best way i have seen it described!

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22354   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8700159
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 7:33 PM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Grass is always greener over the septic tank

That needs to go to the quotes thread!!! Best way i have seen it described!

Sorry to say I’m old enough to remember a popular book at the time by Erma Bombeck of that exact title.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8700179
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