What if it happens again? What if hes lying and i have no clue?
It's really scary to start reinvesting in a person who has betrayed you, and honestly, there's just no way to know that it won't happen again. Hopefully, your WS has done the work, gone to individual counseling, figured out what went wrong in his character which allowed him to say "yes" to cheating and how he got his mind twisted up in such a way as to make that okay? If he's worked on all that, and you feel confident that he's made real and lasting changes, that should help some. But only "some".
As far as I know, the innocent, naive trust we had for our partner never does come back. We build new trust, but this trust is earned over the course of time. Whenever we check on our fWS and he comes out clean, we add a drop of trust back to our empty bucket. But still, we can never KNOW, right? We got chumped. Our judgment failed us. We thought we knew this person and we were wrong.
Here's the thing though... your gut is still there. It's still as good as it ever was, the only difference is that now we know it's not infallible. So, once you've determined that your R is acceptable, your WS is doing all the right things, making repairs to their broken character, doing the work.. you just have to trust yourself enough to know that whatever happens next, you can handle it. I might never trust my fWS again the way I did when we first started out, but I trust ME more than I ever have before. I've gotten in tune with who I am and resolved my old abandonments and wounds. Being the victim of an intimate betrayal like this works our brain into a frenzy. The amygdala (fight, flight, freeze) seem stuck on high alert and all our earlier damage is exacerbated. So, I went to IC, figured out all the stuff which had left me so emotionally vulnerable and codependent.. and worked on that.
I can't say that it doesn't matter how my R turns out now, nearly seven years out. I would be sad if R failed. But I wouldn't be devastated. I wouldn't be wrecked. I'm too strong for that now. My most important relationship these days.. is with ME. I don't shortchange myself anymore.
Give some thought into investing in YOU. I'm not saying don't reinvest in the marriage or the relationship. Trust your gut on that. If it's squeamish, there's more work to do. But put YOU first. Get right with yourself, then you're free to just enjoy being with someone and not dependent on them for your happiness.
((hugs))
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:50 AM, Thursday, November 25th]