SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time post, so bear with me. My WH walked out on me 2 years ago and immediately started hanging out with a girl who is in the same profession as him. It was devastating. Up to that point he had been always been attentive. We had an ok marriage, fought somewhat frequently but were trudging along. After I picked myself up off the floor, I concentrated on myself and my then 9yo son. I circled the wagons and figured out finances and childcare. I didnt do the pick me dance. I didnt even acknowledge his calls or texts asking for a divorce.

About 2 weeks after he starts nosing around again. Trying to flirt with me, bringing me gifts. I had the idea he was done with the chicky so I found her number and called her. Sometimes I wish I didnt. She told me they had hung out. He had presented himself as having a rocky marriage for years. She said they slept together and he told her he loved her. I was so hurt and f-ing mad!
Discussing this with my sister and friend they say you cant trust her and she could totally be lying. He denies it. Says she tried to sleep with him but he couldnt perform. What a mess.
Long story short- maybe he love bombed me. Maybe i thought about splitting custody of my son but we reconciled. My WH has been working hard. He put a tracker on his phone so i can see his whereabouts. He always answers the phone. He never reacts when I get triggered and calmly talks to me. Hes been great. BUT, theres always the thought. What if it happens again? What if hes lying and i have no clue? Its draining.

What if it happens again? What if hes lying and i have no clue?

It's really scary to start reinvesting in a person who has betrayed you, and honestly, there's just no way to know that it won't happen again. Hopefully, your WS has done the work, gone to individual counseling, figured out what went wrong in his character which allowed him to say "yes" to cheating and how he got his mind twisted up in such a way as to make that okay? If he's worked on all that, and you feel confident that he's made real and lasting changes, that should help some. But only "some".

As far as I know, the innocent, naive trust we had for our partner never does come back. We build new trust, but this trust is earned over the course of time. Whenever we check on our fWS and he comes out clean, we add a drop of trust back to our empty bucket. But still, we can never KNOW, right? We got chumped. Our judgment failed us. We thought we knew this person and we were wrong.

Here's the thing though... your gut is still there. It's still as good as it ever was, the only difference is that now we know it's not infallible. So, once you've determined that your R is acceptable, your WS is doing all the right things, making repairs to their broken character, doing the work.. you just have to trust yourself enough to know that whatever happens next, you can handle it. I might never trust my fWS again the way I did when we first started out, but I trust ME more than I ever have before. I've gotten in tune with who I am and resolved my old abandonments and wounds. Being the victim of an intimate betrayal like this works our brain into a frenzy. The amygdala (fight, flight, freeze) seem stuck on high alert and all our earlier damage is exacerbated. So, I went to IC, figured out all the stuff which had left me so emotionally vulnerable and codependent.. and worked on that.

I can't say that it doesn't matter how my R turns out now, nearly seven years out. I would be sad if R failed. But I wouldn't be devastated. I wouldn't be wrecked. I'm too strong for that now. My most important relationship these days.. is with ME. I don't shortchange myself anymore.

Give some thought into investing in YOU. I'm not saying don't reinvest in the marriage or the relationship. Trust your gut on that. If it's squeamish, there's more work to do. But put YOU first. Get right with yourself, then you're free to just enjoy being with someone and not dependent on them for your happiness.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 4:50 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

What if it happens again? What if hes lying and i have no clue? Its draining.

The onus on making the relationship safe again, falls squarely on the WSs shoulders, not the BS.

The effort that a WS puts into the process of R, will indicate how much the relationship means to them. Low Effort = Low Importance. High Effort = High Importance.

This effort is to be continued, until the BS is comfortable with it, but this does not mean that the BS can abuse it also (wringing it out for longer than necessary, or stringing the WS along even though the BS was out of the relationship).

So, how long will it take? It will depend on your WH effort, and your acceptance of the effort.

There is not hard and fast rule that a BS MUST be at a certain stage and a specific time. However, there is a guideline that R can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years. Some shorter, and some longer.

ETA: If the WS is truly remorseful, the effort to make the BS feel 'safe' will continue indefinitely.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 8:33 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

Here’s the odd thing. We trusted someone with blind faith so to speak

Hell they could have been cheating for years or even before the marriage. But we trusted them. And then the affair or cheating occurs and it is devastating.

But there is a chance they could cheat again. Difference is you are better prepared the second time around. You are hurt and devastated - but not as much as you were the first time it happens.

And tour guy is always there to let you know when something is off.

SL, you wrote

but we reconciled

I know, it’s tough. But if you go day by day, then it is easy(er). Just take it each day, live in the moment, reserve the right to change your mind. He has given you a Get Out of Marriage card that never, ever, ever expires. Don’t lose it.

Have you seen The Princess Bride? The story of the Dread Pirate Roberts? Watch the movie again. You be the Dread Pirate dealing with your WH Westley.

While Roberts is continually impressed with Westley's work, he continues to keep Westley's future in doubt by saying each night "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." After about three years, Roberts and Westley have grown close, and Roberts promotes Westley to his second-in-command.

SL - Is it safe to assume that your WS has done some emotional work and made solid changes beyond the tracker, answering the phone, and being calm through your triggers?

One way to help yourself heal is to have a plan B — just in case. Money in your name he doesn’t know about. Financial documents ready in case you need them. Your own retirement account or savings.

A good that puts and lawyer to help you.

That is what kept me from going to pieces.

One way to help yourself heal is to have a plan B — just in case. Money in your name he doesn’t know about. Financial documents ready in case you need them. Your own retirement account or savings

This. We talk a lot about the WS becoming a safe partner, but the best way for a BS to be able to move past what was done to them is to get to a place where a failure won't sink them. At that place you have the confidence to demand what you need or to walk if the WS fails.

What if? It really is a terrifying question. Maybe rephrase it to, so what if it does…. Think of a plan that you like… it is your safety net…. So what if it doesn’t, as long as you can see him in your future, then that is a plan too.

You are doing well, I suggest you write down your plans. Prep for them and live your life with eyes wide open.

Last suggestion, what are your dealbreakers. Get to know them. They will trigger your plan.

Good luck, I hope your future is happy.

Thank you all for your responses. Each one was constructive and supportive. I know Im not the same person I was 2 years ago. Things like this really cause you to take stock of life and put things into perspective. When it happened, my finances were a mess. Probably due to laziness and not being a priority. Ive totally shifted that. I budget monthly, have paid off a ton of debt. I no longer feel vulnerable in most areas of my life. Maybe its an insecurity that creeps into my head at times questioning the what ifs. I ignored my gut the first time. I knew something was different and looked the other way. More realistically I didnt have time to listen to it. I was and still am in grad school ( about to finish in December! Hurray!) Now, I listen to my gut. My WH is doing the hard work. I am cautiously optimistic. I mourn the loss of my marriage when these thoughts never happened. But I do look forward to a healthy reconcilation knowing Im much stronger than I ever was.