Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

General :
Learned about wife's 8 month affair this past June. Been trying to reconcile since... how will I feel about this when I'm 70?

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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:25 AM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

  Moving to General

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8699929
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:40 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

This relationship is built on lies and deceptions, I don't know that you should be shocked or surprised that more lies and deceptions have occurred.

I also don't think that you can truly rebuild a relationship that was broken from day one. I hate to sound heartless and mean, but I also have been around long enough to know that to go from Cheater, to Recovered Cheater, faithful healed human takes a literal shit ton of work. It is hard, and exhausting, and the cheater has to be willing to strip them selves down to their essential person deal with the broken shit at the core before rebuilding. Then they have to learn and create new and healthy coping behaviors.
That means both of you have to do that on your own.
It may be better for you both to walk away coparent in an amicable way, and learn how to be good and emotionally healthy people.
You two are setting the example of what M should be, and what love is for your kids. It may be better for them to see at least on you being healthy and happy than living in this mess.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19024   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8699995
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tarduck ( new member #79063) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Did you report her friends hippa violations?

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Oregon
id 8700034
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 11:58 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

Really just a couple observations although I suspect the OP has probably already gotten enough tough love that he will be moving on. In any event just some thoughts:

1) The DR's broke DR patient confidentiality by discussing it with your WW, this seems very odd. How are you even allowing her to have anything to do with all of these people that were actively trying to help her leave you for another man?

2) As already mentioned, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. The problem with having a relationship with a married partner and then having them leave their spouse to be with you, is that you've won the boobie prize. What you have done is taken away another persons troubles and made them your own. you've wasted your life tied to a liar and cheater when you could have been working on a relationship with a spouse that values you and your commitment to her. This is like turning down a gourmet steak and lobster dinner in favor of fried spam with a side of cold Mashed rutabaga.

3) I'm a little stunned that you are still allowing her contact with the AP. If I read this right she still speaks to him regularly, how is it that you allow this? her venom that's directed at the Om's wife is as other people have pointed out jealousy. Its not because the OM's wife is a bad person, its because the OM's wife has the OM and your wife doesn't.

4) You mentioned that at times you feel like you may be plan B, well that's because you absolutely are, she has pretty much spelled it out for you in a way that even the most optimistic of people would be able to see. She Made it perfectly clear to you that she was ready to leave you as soon as he left his wife, she kept going back to him to convince him what a great life they would have together, what more do you need. She didn't choose you, he rejected her so you are a place holder until he decides to come back into her life or until she finds something better. You can bank on the fact that if the OM came to her tomorrow and said he was leaving his wife, you would be yesterdays news.

There honestly is so much more that's wrong here but seriously these 4 points alone should have you running to the hills.

How will you feel about this when your 70? I guess that depends on what you do in the next 6 months but based on how you've handled it so far I would say not very well.

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8700050
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:00 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

If you plan on sticking it out with your wife, you will have to be vigilante and watch her for the rest of your life. She is a known and repeat offender.

Her behavior is ahhborent, and she was actively trying to leave you and schemed to get the other man single so that she can leave you with the AP. She is so obviously still in love with AP, she can't let him go, so she hounds his life.

The other thing you have to realize is that your wife has to let go of her friends. the DRs. that should be reported to their respective boards. They were scheming to break up marriage, sharing data without permission and are breaking the law. Do you think that if you demanded, your WW would be able to cut off her relationship with these people? She is going to have to, they are not friends of your marriage, they actively tried to F**K you dude...they cannot remain friends.

Lets not worry about how you're gonna feel at 70, lets focus on if you can't get past this now, and maybe in your 50s, your WW gets bored with you again, you may find yourself on here again. Do you want that?

posts: 1189   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8700051
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 Lefonquey1 (original poster new member #79618) posted at 12:19 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

I'm a little stunned that you are still allowing her contact with the AP. If I read this right she still speaks to him regularly, how is it that you allow this? her venom that's directed at the Om's wife is as other people have pointed out jealousy. Its not because the OM's wife is a bad person, its because the OM's wife has the OM and your wife doesn't.


To my knowledge, she has spoken to him only once after accidentally running into each other. Although, she does see him 3-4 times per week at our daughters school drop off. About a month ago, she started going a little earlier to avoid him. Never any contact, though. There was a heated exchange in text message between him me and my wife back in August, too.

I totally hate her friends for doing this, and she’s really only in contact with one still, but they speak daily and she would never give up that friendship if I asked. From her friend’s perspective, she was trying to do good for her friend. I have good friends that would do anything for me, too. This is why I struggle with putting my foot down to ask to end the friendship.

As far as turning in the doctors. The APs wife turned the pediatrician into the medical board. The defense so far is cost her about $15,000. This is the reason that my wife is so mad at her right now.

[This message edited by Lefonquey1 at 1:05 PM, Thursday, November 25th]

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2021
id 8700060
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

The APs wife turned the pediatrician into the medical board. The defense so far is cost her about $15,000. This is the reason that my wife is so mad at her right now.

This is part of the problem though.. that your WW is still not willing/able to see that she was WRONG. What they did was WRONG. I think maybe it's one thing that she sticks by her friend. After all, it was her who was ring-leading here, wasn't it? But instead of being mad at herself for steering her friend wrong and sickened by what she did.. she's mad at the AP's wife for turning them in??? C'mon. People who are truly remorseful are really sad and angry with themselves. It's painfully humbling work to figure out WHY they aren't the people they thought they were and HOW they got their minds so twisted up. The truly remorseful WS isn't angry that they got caught. They're horrified that they fucked up their lives and their marriages. That's not what you're describing.

There's a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. It's really short. If you look around online, you might even find it free for download. In it, you'll get a description of how "good rebuilders" behave. I think that might shed some light on what you're dealing with. The book has some mild religious overtones, but nothing that detracts from the general message. You might also insist that your WW read it, because it does go into some depth about the damage done to the BS.

posts: 4676   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8700074
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 1:59 AM on Thursday, November 25th, 2021

Not too many stories surprise me, but here we are.

1. Why did you beg a cheater to take you back 13 years ago? How were you thinking, "Excellent choice for a wife. I simply must get this honorable woman back"????

2. Why do you accept the label and guilt of 'abandoner' several times a year from someone who was cheating on a husband AND a boyfriend? Do you understand her moral hypocrisy to be the huge red flag that it is?

3. Why did you stay with a woman who created and kept exes all around her from the start of your relationship? Could you not see the red flags of attention seeking and self-centeredness? Were you not bothered by how callously she treated these other men?

4. Only a savvy narcissist can manipulate a group of professionals for the most bizarrely ridiculous purpose of interfering in a marriage. Do you feel as mortified as I do to see what a conniving and manipulative person you have as a wife? That these people helped her is beyond sad, but that she ORCHESTRATED THIS PLOT is...psychopathic.

5. The sex is amazing while she obsesses about her exAP and hates on his wife, the victor? Well, duh. Of course. Because narcissistic women use sex like oligarchs use money--to manipulate people. The part that concerns me is--you honestly can't see that without me pointing it out? You can't see her love bombing game?

6. She calls her cheating her "indiscretion with the retarded boy"? A perfect example of how a statement says so much more about the speaker than the intended target of the comment, and that is no compliment. This classless insult casts your wife in a horrible light on about 10 different levels. And by the way, narcissists love to call people ugly names, all while obsessing about them. Part of their charm.

7. I'm assuming you had a DNA test with your daughter? Or did your WW's over-the-top feigned hurt feelings that you would 'even doubt her' (safely guessing how this convo probably played out) calm your fears? Lol. Gotta laugh when cheaters get offended over not being believed. DNA test all your kids. Her penchant for multiple lovers at one time did not end 13 years ago--as evidenced by the present situation--but there are most likely others. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Please get into IC immediately. The real question in my mind is why these red flags concerning this hot mess of a woman did not suffocate you over the years. Drama is her middle name, and yet you haven't noticed? Your picker is very broken, and that's on you to fix ASAP.

I know a woman exactly, I mean EXACTLY, like your WW (a teacher, too). And trust me, you will not need to wait even close to the age of 70 to regret tying yourself to this train wreck of a narcissist. With the help of a good IC, you can cut your losses and get out of this drama queen's shadow now.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:05 AM, Thursday, November 25th]

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5284   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8700076
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