Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 2:37 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
I want to tell both their husbands. I just don’t think I can. For the woman who was around when we started I don’t want to re-ignite the contact between them. And I know that will happen. She is the type to completely deflect what she did and it being about what an awful person WH is for doing it with her. I also don’t have any proof I’m willing to reveal.
The other one…. It was so long ago. I hate the fact I know, but really he could know too. I wasn’t around them, but I would hate for it to be me.
Rambling, but I just need to say it somewhere. My psych and I have worked out the possible costs of doing it, and it’s just not worth it, but I want some sort of balance to the pain I have suffered.
Camel ( member #77378) posted at 3:11 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
If it was you, no matter how much time has passed....would you like to know? Or would you rather like living in a false marriage/lie?
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:19 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
Lack of agency is it's own cost.
Do not buy the "no one gets hurt if no one finds out" lie.
[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:21 AM, Tuesday, November 23rd]
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:33 AM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
I know it’s a different situation but the OBS in my case thanked me - many times.
Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:49 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
I didn't tell for a long time. I had my reasons and many of them were possibly justified. That decision haunted me. Mostly because reasons or not - I knew I was doing wrong.
When DDay 3 hit - I finally told. My hands were shaking so hard and I had to dial three times [like in a nightmare or horror movie]. OBS answered the phone "This is OBS" so I started talking. It went something like this. "Hello. My name is Chaos. Your wife [insert name here] and my husband [Mr. Chaos] are having an affiar. It started in 2104, was discovered in 2017 and thought it ended at that time. I just discovered they are still actively communicating and it appears to have been continuing. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry." Then he told me words that both shocked me to my core yet didn't really surprise me. "Yeah...wow...you're not the first upset wife I've ever talked to"
We spent the next week or so sharing information, proof, asking/answering questions and made sure we had each other's contact. Then he thanked me. HE thanked ME.
I didn't hesitate back in spring when I discovered LTAP had been cyberstalking and made sure he was cc'd on the Cease and Desist we ultimately sent.
Don't make the Mistake of Chaos - always tell. The only ones "angry" are the wrong doers and the chips can fall where they may.
ETA - I will never forgive those who knew and didn't tell me. They knew - and did nothing.
[This message edited by Chaos at 3:00 PM, Tuesday, November 23rd]
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:48 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021
but I want some sort of balance to the pain I have suffered.
Unfortunately, Charlie, I don't know if you are going to find that answer here. Opinions obviously vary, but one underlying tenet around here is HONESTY.....and often times it is brutal.
You know that you are not lying or being dishonest. You've described your internal conflict. But there is another bedrock tenet here, and that is AGENCY. And to be honest, I never realized it's full importance and significance until I was betrayed. Once I looked at that deeper, I could no longer dismiss it's significance in a person's life.
We can all speculate and make suppositions about how a person may react. We just don't know. The only thing we do know is that we have important information about someone else's life that someone very close to us interfered with, and they may not have this information. I just don't know how one can find some sort of balance with the knowledge at hand. There's a reason why this is laying so heavily on you. I hope that you can find a resolution.
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14