5 years ago today was dday1. 5 years ago my BS found my blog and asked me "who is AP?". 5 years ago I lied and went underground continuing my affair for several more months until dday2. A little over 2 years ago was dday3 when I stopped carrying the last few lies.
But 5 years ago was the first time I shattered BS's heart. And it was the first time I lied to her about something of huge significance. Dday1 is always the hardest.
They say healing takes 2-5 years. We have officially hit that point in all respects. Are we healed? No. But we are healing. We are moving forward together making huge life decisions that will bind us together forever even if our marriage fails. For the first time in 5 years I feel confident that it won't fail. Now I feel like we can do anything we put our hearts and minds to.
I have undergone a mass transformation over the past 5 years. I am not the person I used to be. I am a better person. I have begun to stop carrying around the deep hatred for myself that grew exponentially with my affair. I have a handle on my mental health. I have support outside of BS. I can hear and receive BS's feelings even when she hates me. I am authentic and dependable. I can finally look at myself in the mirror.
We have been through so much. The past 5 years have been a special kind of hell journey I wish for nobody. If you need to take the journey of reevaluating your entire life and sense of personhood, pick a different jumping point than having an affair.
Because I would give all of my self growth up if it meant I could take away the damage I caused BS. She is also a different person now. She is healing in her own way, but she will never be the person she was 5 years and 1 day ago. I killed that person.
We talk sometimes about how life would have been had I not cheated. I wasn't a great person. I was lying about little things and was building a sexual basement while icing her out. I was stagnate and aloof as a partner. I didn't carry my share of the weight in our everyday lives. I was undiagnosed and had scary fits of rage and long bouts of depression. Our marriage would have fallen apart eventually without her knowing anything of who I was underneath. She says she is glad that at least now she knows and can make an informed decision.
After my affair I had to face all of my shit head on and change it if I wanted any chance of staying married. And I did that. I'm still learning and healing too, I don't think that will ever stop.
But there are a million ways I could have recognized all of this and made these same changes without cheating. I could have spent the past 5 years doing the same things without having destroyed the woman I love. I feel guilty that over the past 5 years I have been able to grow and evolve into something better at the expense of her. She's spent the past 5 years putting herself and her sense of everything back together in a way that doesn't fit like it used to. She's a resilient human being, to say the least.
Today she called me a "recovered wayward". It was the first time she's said that. I felt like I had won a prize. Everyday I wake up next to her I feel like I've won a prize. I am so lucky she has chosen to stay and try with me.
So yeah. 5 years later and we are healing. We aren't there yet, but we keep marching forward together hand in hand. We are stubborn as hell and refuse to give up.
Me: WW, 30s, BP2
Her: BW, 30s (Aftershockgoldfish)
Committed since 2006, married in 2013
6 month OEA (sexting & phone sex)
DDay1 went underground: Nov 18, 2016
DDay2 ended A: Mar 26, 2017
Was offered R: Oct 2017
Dday3 no more lies: Sept 8, 2019