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Wayward Side :
5 years ago today


 FearfulAvoidance (original poster member #61384) posted at 5:05 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

5 years ago today was dday1. 5 years ago my BS found my blog and asked me "who is AP?". 5 years ago I lied and went underground continuing my affair for several more months until dday2. A little over 2 years ago was dday3 when I stopped carrying the last few lies.

But 5 years ago was the first time I shattered BS's heart. And it was the first time I lied to her about something of huge significance. Dday1 is always the hardest.

They say healing takes 2-5 years. We have officially hit that point in all respects. Are we healed? No. But we are healing. We are moving forward together making huge life decisions that will bind us together forever even if our marriage fails. For the first time in 5 years I feel confident that it won't fail. Now I feel like we can do anything we put our hearts and minds to.

I have undergone a mass transformation over the past 5 years. I am not the person I used to be. I am a better person. I have begun to stop carrying around the deep hatred for myself that grew exponentially with my affair. I have a handle on my mental health. I have support outside of BS. I can hear and receive BS's feelings even when she hates me. I am authentic and dependable. I can finally look at myself in the mirror.

We have been through so much. The past 5 years have been a special kind of hell journey I wish for nobody. If you need to take the journey of reevaluating your entire life and sense of personhood, pick a different jumping point than having an affair.

Because I would give all of my self growth up if it meant I could take away the damage I caused BS. She is also a different person now. She is healing in her own way, but she will never be the person she was 5 years and 1 day ago. I killed that person.

We talk sometimes about how life would have been had I not cheated. I wasn't a great person. I was lying about little things and was building a sexual basement while icing her out. I was stagnate and aloof as a partner. I didn't carry my share of the weight in our everyday lives. I was undiagnosed and had scary fits of rage and long bouts of depression. Our marriage would have fallen apart eventually without her knowing anything of who I was underneath. She says she is glad that at least now she knows and can make an informed decision.

After my affair I had to face all of my shit head on and change it if I wanted any chance of staying married. And I did that. I'm still learning and healing too, I don't think that will ever stop.

But there are a million ways I could have recognized all of this and made these same changes without cheating. I could have spent the past 5 years doing the same things without having destroyed the woman I love. I feel guilty that over the past 5 years I have been able to grow and evolve into something better at the expense of her. She's spent the past 5 years putting herself and her sense of everything back together in a way that doesn't fit like it used to. She's a resilient human being, to say the least.

Today she called me a "recovered wayward". It was the first time she's said that. I felt like I had won a prize. Everyday I wake up next to her I feel like I've won a prize. I am so lucky she has chosen to stay and try with me.

So yeah. 5 years later and we are healing. We aren't there yet, but we keep marching forward together hand in hand. We are stubborn as hell and refuse to give up.

Me: WW, 30s, BP2
Her: BW, 30s (Aftershockgoldfish)
Committed since 2006, married in 2013

6 month OEA (sexting & phone sex)
DDay1 went underground: Nov 18, 2016
DDay2 ended A: Mar 26, 2017
Was offered R: Oct 2017
Dday3 no more lies: Sept 8, 2019

posts: 160   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2017
id 8699185

DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 1:57 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Thanks so much for posting. It is SO very important for people to hear and see that R is possible, and from a WS perspective, to see that things can and do change for the better.

Today she called me a "recovered wayward". It was the first time she's said that. I felt like I had won a prize. Everyday I wake up next to her I feel like I've won a prize. I am so lucky she has chosen to stay and try with me.

5 years ago, your choices and actions defined who you were, and at the time, you were a full-blown wayward. It brought you nothing but pain, and shame, and the burden of carrying your own disappointment around. Now, also through your choices and actions, you have crossed over into a new definition, a new way of thinking about yourself and who you are. Your choices and action now define you as someone who knows better and does better, and who loves themselves enough to be someone they respect and are proud to be.

This is the greatest lesson we can share to other WS's in my opinion. Thank you for sharing, and congrats on all the hard work you've put in to change. Never stop working at it.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8699228

stunnedhusband44 ( new member #79610) posted at 7:28 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Thank you for posting this. It gives me hope that my WW will one day come to terms with her actions and show true remorse and personal growth. It's one thing to come clean but it's another to stand in the fire and look inside yourself at the cause. GL to y'all moving forward.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 19th, 2021   ·   location: LA
id 8699359

ISurvivedSoFar ( member #56915) posted at 12:21 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

As a BS I have to applaud you for saying this,

Because I would give all of my self growth up if it meant I could take away the damage I caused BS. She is also a different person now. She is healing in her own way, but she will never be the person she was 5 years and 1 day ago. I killed that person.

It is true that we are not the same after infidelity and that recognition means a lot.

I wish you two much luck. Hopefully the growth continues and it gets better and better. I hope you like yourself much more now and you are able to be a better partner to her and can attune to her while maintaining yourself holistically.

Thank you for doing the work and posting. I think for new waywards it is important to identify the work and what it takes to be a safe partner. Looking at it as a BS from the outside it is quite a journey for a WS. The damage done to you by you is more profound than I think gets recognized because so much focus goes to the BS (rightly so as the victim). The self-imposed damage and suffering is very hard to overcome in my opinion.

Thank you for sharing and for doing the work.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8700482

lostindenial ( new member #79420) posted at 8:00 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

I am so happy for you and your wife and relieved to assess (could be wrong) that you don’t have any kids while these five years were going on. Special credit to her for sticking around if you did not share kids and she did not walk away.
Two things - pls consider it a desperate person’s plea.
1) what eventually happened that was the catalyst for DD2 and DD3 and turned out to be mass transformation? Some of us are stuck in weekly purgatories of DD events and have numbed our hearts (yet it feels like death every time) but can’t find our way out of this hell that someone put us to get their jollies/kicks/whatever their whys are
2) what about the kids who are caught in the middle? My kids finally admitted to me that they are broken (teenagers) and have lost any faith or trust in the world. My 13 yr old said today why did you marry him? I wish I never existed. I don’t want to exist anymore. Can you imagine the pain and tears I feel? How do we rebuild them. Some of us are old and over our lives but how do we help these innocent kids whose entire lives and value systems have collapsed. Of course, I am going to take them to therapy but they refuse to talk.

I am looking for any ray of hope/prayer/chance for my kids to be ok. Any advice?

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 20th, 2021   ·   location: FL
id 8700516

GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 10:33 PM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

I really cried reading this. Thank you for sharing it.

Thank you for the acknowledgements you made.

I'm moved by your growth. I'm moved by your marriage. I wish you both the next 5, 19, 50 years to be beautiful.

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 124   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8700535
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