Newest Member: ibelieveinspring

Reconciliation :
My goal and desire for Reconciliation

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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Hi, it was suggested that I start posting over here being that my goal now is R. Im still very early past DDay (5Mos) and my story is here at JFO. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653550/my-wife-had-emotional-affair-with-old-flame/

I do have a goal to R however Im still taking it day by day. Been through a lot of counseling ( still in it), my WW is very remorseful and is working hard to help me heal. She is also working on herself and we have actually had some good times since DDay. However as of late Im absorbed in it all again. I realize this is due to the trauma and im working through it. We both want R so here I am. Im looking for any advise or stories anyone can share. Thank you.

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MorbidCuriosity ( member #74928) posted at 9:19 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

My belief is that R should not a goal. A goal is something you thrive to achieve. Sacrifices must be made to obtain the outcome. Sacrificing self-value, dignity and self-respect. There will be things you gradually put up just to reach the "goal". And the easiest thing to do so would be to be in denial and the other is to move your own boundaries to accommodate the cheaters actions to justify your R.

To me R is a gift. It is a gift I give only after the complete and utter erasure of the past relationship. It is my choice to grant it after a long and winding path. It is a moment where I deem my partner is worthy of it. But it is just that. A moment. I will be receptive and put in the work but it requires only a single moment to actually decide if I want to R. All along my thoughts will be whether the partner is R worthy or not. Not that I want R and I will do what it takes to get there. And I believe that it is as it should be. Or else anything you do before then is just out of obligation to reach the goal. In other words. To control the outcome.

I am not dissuading you to not R but to try and view it from a different perspective. From your JFO post you did not seem to elaborate much on what your boundaries are. If it was physical, would you still push for R. What if it was not? Are there any actions taken by her that she is R worthy? Did she have any consequences? No, telling you she loves you are really just that..words. Did she drive up with you to OM's house and tell it to POSOM's wife that she had an affair? Did she block and delete his number? Did she shut down and delete her social media that or any account that assisted in her affair? They say cheaters follow a script. So does acts of remorse, loyalty and true affection.

If none of these are done then what made you think you will reach your "goal" of R at all?

Everything is out of your control and rightfully so. The only action you can do now is to list out the things she has done that is R worthy. So what has she done so far?

posts: 51   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:30 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Usetacould:

First and foremost take care of you. As you continue to process the emotions and pain, find a good IC to help you cope. I have been in R for a long, long time. Best decision I ever made. But it is very hard work for both parties. Your WW has to show you consistent transparency. You shouldn’t have to demand it, she should just do it. If she is remorseful, she will be sensitive to your triggers and pain, more than her own shame and guilt. Is she taking actions to rebuild your trust. After about two years from dday and my WW doing everything she could to demonstrate she wanted to be in our M, I realized that if I wanted to move forward I needed to drop m resentment. What really helped me heal was taking positive steps to know that if we were to D, I would be fine. It was freeing. We were both in the M because we wanted to be there.

In your case, I would think you will need long term communication from your WW as well as her working on her whys! Why does she want to be M to you when you don’t share her preferred fetish? This is not a small thing. You should have not to settle to be in a M where your WW does not desire sex with you. How is she going to address this issue. R is a long term process. You are in control and can pull the plug at anytime as can she. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

my WW is very remorseful and is working hard to help me heal. She is also working on herself

I'm personally a firm believer that we as "BS's" should be responsible for our own Healing. Why? Because the broken inside person can't help us heal, WS's should be responsible for their own Healing first and foremost. I really view their healing as an enormous work: they must revisit and update their belief systems, become emotionally mature people, investigate what character traits serve their M/relationship (if they really want it), etc. I personally took my Healing in my own hands seriously(based on my spiritual work and studies for the past couple decades), and healed myself since latest DDay in May: no bitterness, resentment, anger, and interesting enough, I catch myself that potential triggers don't really make much impact any longer.
As the previous poster wrote, I would too have no problem be on my own. As I always was, I'm/will be happy either way. Sharing happiness with my fWH is an added bonus for both of us.

P.S. this is not the 1st time I notice WS "working hard to help me heal" here on SI... Don't know, this may work for some though look

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:29 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Sacrificing self-value, dignity and self-respect. There will be things you gradually put up just to reach the "goal".

To make R work well, it's best to keep the above from happening.

IMO, R is a process for creating a new M by resolving issues that arise. It's best to jump on issues as soon as they arise, because they're easier to deal with then; I didn't give them chances to grow and fester. Besides, resolving small issues teaches ways of resolving big issues.

I suspect that your self-image is still in need of major rebuilding; mine sure was when I was as close to d-day as you are. I hope that's part of your therapy.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8699335
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

In may ASC asked:

Has she read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald?

Has she written a timeline including any inappropriate actions since you’ve been in a committed relationship? (I know this one is a yes, you stated she wrote a timeline in your other thread)

Has she agreed to a polygraph to verify the timeline?

What is she doing to make you safe in this marriage?

Psychologically, you state you are taking it day by day, which is fine for a while, but you will find yourself worn down to the bone.

At some point your WW needs to be the one carrying the load. She needs to accept a transference of vigilance. She needs to be openly transparent. She needs to tell you the truth and bring it up to you when something could be suspicious. She needs to be open and non-defensive about anything you ask about the A.

I see you struggling. Have you considered D at all? If you don't look at the options on the table seriously you are locked into M without R. We often say you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. I'm not telling you to threaten D to manipulate your WW into R. I'm telling you that if you really are "day to day" each day should start and end with you deciding this M is better than D, with an understanding about what D entails.

EDIT TO ADD: With respect to R being a "gift" I think the opportunity for R is a gift. R itself has many transactional elements. It requires remorse, recompense, and more from the WS to be achieved. It requires incremental (it never has to be complete) forgiveness from the BS as the WS does things to regain trust.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:01 PM, Friday, November 19th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 7:47 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

I can only share from my own experience with R.

I was in limbo for well over a year. Sure, I ultimately wanted R, but it didn’t feel safe for a long time. I also still had a lot of anger, and wasn’t sure I had it in me to stay, so I kept divorce on the table. It stayed a viable option until recently. I guess it always will be, but not in the same way it was. The affair itself will no longer be the deciding factor for divorce, but more so what comes next. If that makes sense.

I needed to see more than just remorse from my husband. I needed him become a better version of himself. To become a better man than he has ever been. A better husband. A better dad. A better SIL. A better employee. I needed to see real and lasting changes. Unfortunately, that’s some shit that takes time. Time to do, and time to believe it is genuine. At nearly 2 years I finally do. He IS a better husband. A better man. A better father. A valued employee who continues to gain the favor of his employers. He has been so wonderful to my mother and my family. I could expound on all the changes I’ve seen in him, but I’d be here all day. :) (which holy shit that’s the nicest I’ve talked about him on here 😂)

Healing, well I had to do a lot of that on my own. I still am. He helped our R, but he couldn’t really help me heal. Especially when I wasn’t even sure we were going to stay married. I didn’t trust him enough to be vulnerable with him. I had to get stronger and healthier before being vulnerable was even an option for me. It’s something I still struggle with.

How he helped me feel safe was by honoring my boundaries. No lies. No "privacy." No selfishness. (His A had been over for 3 years so it wasn’t a typical list of NC and all that) Then there would be little things, like not going on a paid for hunting trip because I was struggling. FaceTiming me when he was working late, even though I could see his location. Writing me letters expressing his love and remorse for me. Every morning for over a year telling me he loved, he was sorry, and he was choosing to be faithful to me that day and forever.

One of the biggest things for me was him constantly assuring me he wasn’t going anywhere. Even when I was screaming at him and calling him every vile name in the book. When my own family told him they didn’t know how was able to stay with someone as angry as I was. He owned his part in it, and told everyone he wasn’t ever going to leave me. Honestly, even though I was hurt, I had no right to treat him the way I did. He still took it all on the chin. As shitty as I was, and I don’t condone it, it’s what I needed the most from him.

I share all that because I believe R is a long process. It takes the BS a long ass time to even find their bearings, let alone to heal. Then it takes a tremendous amount of work from the WS to go from selfish cheater, to safe partner. It takes ACTIONS on a daily basis. Small things. Big things. They all add up, and they all matter.

I really didn’t mean for this to turn out so long and detailed, but that’s my story and my experience with R.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

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id 8699361
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 9:07 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Good luck on your journey. My only suggestion is to not rush the process. I have seen, and was one who tried to white knuckle my way through it. You will have some rough times. Acknowledge them and if you feel safe share them with your partner. Don’t pretend they don’t exist. I tried and it just led to resentments building up. You need to let the air out at various times or things explode.

I hope she appreciates this gift you are giving

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8699372
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

You need to let the air out at various times or things explode.

Continuous venting. Maybe that's bad advice, I'm not sure. I know I held things in to "figure out on my own". I was consistently unhappy and wouldn't say so to my wife until I popped. Now I don't let anything build up at all anymore.

So from her point of view I was randomly getting angry then exploding on her, when really I was constantly struggling with her insufficient efforts.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:14 PM, Friday, November 19th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1484   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:32 PM on Saturday, November 20th, 2021

Your emotional swings, triggers, and mind movies become less frequent and intense over time. However, everyone processes trauma differently so there's no guarantee as to where you will end up. Two years or longer from now you may decide to walk away.

IMO, a two year texting/sexting affair combined with developing a taste for a master slave relationship is (among other things) an addiction. Addicts can white knuckle for a while but are high risk to repeat.

Cheaters typically convince themself that they won't get caught so there's no harm. I think just the prospect of facing a polygraph (knowing she'll be caught) would discourage a repeat or any contact with OM.

It also can give you added peace of mind that you know the full extent of the betrayal (this often blinds sides us by becoming more important years from now) - as well as the current status of contact with the OM.

Is she willing to take a polygraph (today, tomorrow or next year at your choosing)?

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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Welcome to the R forum UseTaCould!

I do have a goal to R however Im still taking it day by day.

I think taking it day by day is a good approach. Although I wanted R, I wasn't sure if it was going to be possible, so I just kept working towards it. It wasn't until about 1 year out that I felt confident that we were going to make it. Not because anything in particular was going poorly before then (actually it was pretty good!) but because I just didn't trust any feelings of stability yet.

In terms of advice, my recommendation is to forget the marriage you had and discuss the marriage you would like and discuss together how you are going to make that a reality. Things that weren't important to you pre-R might be important to you now. It's important to get on the same page.

You're probably entering the anger stage right about now. It's normal to get all absorbed in it. Keep reading - keep posting. Above all, keep talking to your wife about how you're feeling. It is hard being vulnerable with the ones that hurt us, but its important.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

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 UseTaCould (original poster new member #78773) posted at 9:00 PM on Wednesday, November 24th, 2021

You're probably entering the anger stage right about now. It's normal to get all absorbed in it. Keep reading - keep posting. Above all, keep talking to your wife about how you're feeling. It is hard being vulnerable with the ones that hurt us, but its important.

Yes the anger stage that is where I am at for sure. I think this was also fueled by a recent event where I finally got to talk to the OBS. I had never before been able to do this since D-Day as I could not find her number. I did try via Facebook but that was intercepted by the OM. I wound up sending her a letter in the mail and she got it and called me back.

I was on the phone for over an hour with her telling her everything I knew about the affair and this brought up D-Day feelings all over again. Two days after Im still in a rage inside. Thank you for your support. My WW doesnt know I reached out because I wanted to see if she all of the sudden knew ( getting communication from the OM). I will eventually discuss it all with her but I want to rule out any suspicion that they may still be in communication.

Not sure if this is still the case but when I spoke to the OBS she told me she kicked the POSOM out! So if he is by himself now I can imagine he will try to contact my WW.

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