Newest Member: loyaltylost

Just Found Out :
Wife of four years, cheated with a mutual friend six months ago

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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 6:52 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

She told me a couple nights ago. Still wrapping my brain around this. I feel extremely adrift and unable to know what to think or feel. Feeling numb mostly with moments of fear for how heavily this might hit me. At times it feels like maybe I dreamt it and it isn't real. It just feels too awful to be possible. I think my brain is coping right now by playing it down, but once in a while I get a glimpse of how really serious it all is.

Just wanted to reach out and say something to anybody. Right now I've only talked to my best friend about it. I don't plan on telling anyone else, but I need someone to talk to who I trust. We've been together nine years so all our friends are each other's friends. There's no one I could really talk to who doesn't also have a relationship with my wife. And suddenly not having her as a support system makes me feel surprisingly alone for the first time in a long time.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698179
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SquirrelFace ( member #52946) posted at 6:58 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

She got away with it, why did she feel the need to confess? How long was the affair? What was her excuse? Any kids?

posts: 52   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2016
id 8698182
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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 7:13 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

No kids. She confessed because she has also been coming to terms with her alcoholism and has been wanting to clear the air on some of the things she did while affected by it (including other, smaller things like sneaking drinks or lying to me about her drinking). The affair was a one-time thing I'm told, and I believe her.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698183
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:23 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

You, so very accurately, described my initial state of mind on Discovery Day (DD), right to the T.

Because, the way you're feeling right now is natural and common. It's like the Stages of Grief: Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

You're experiencing profound grief over the loss of your Reality. Let these emotions flow through you, let them run their course, but don't let them cloud your judgment.

DON'T LET THEM CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT.

Because you have urgent work to do to secure your family, house, finances, welfare, and your dignity.

If you notice, I quite purposely left out "secure your wife". Because you have no control over this individual. You only have control over your domain and yourself.

-Get yourself tested for STDs
-Make No Important Decisions at this time. No promises of R.
-Do not talk about the future.
-Do not try and fix anything.
-Don't take action provocated by anger or desperation. Be cool.
-Maintain your dignity
-Maintain principles
-If there's children in the house, maintain calm.
-Don't except blame shifting by her.
-Don't allow Gas Lighting
-No Rug Sweeping
-No minimization
-No manipulation
-Dive into the Healing Library link above. There's lots of D-Day advice there and Tactical instruction.

You're NOT ALONE here. You're about to surround yourself with kindred spirits who have learned alot about the journey you're about to embark. There's a vast amount of crowd sourced well moderated talent and experience here.

Be patient with the feedback you're about to receive. Depending on your circumstances, some advice may come in the form of tough love if we become very concerned for your welfare. It's ALL well intentioned. We just don't want to see you make the same mistakes we did.

Good Luck

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8698186
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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 7:28 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Thanks. I am trying extremely hard to remain calm and not say anything I can't take back. I've told her I don't want her to talk to the AP anymore (still getting used to these acronyms!), that I want her to get tested for STDs, but I haven't made any promises about staying or leaving. She volunteered to spend some time at her mom's place an hour away for a while so I took her up on that while I sort out my feelings.

She seems extremely contrite and is constantly saying she will do anything I need. She has cried way more than I have since confessing, it's clear that she really knows she screwed up. What's funny is that my instinct to protect her feelings kicks in and I want to console her but then remember she did this to herself and she needs to figure out how to live with it on her own.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698188
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Jolly-B, Start from the beginning. Tell us, as best you can, about the evolution of her drinking and her affair, her behavior after disclosure, the nature of her affair, any intell you have in your possession, what you know about the Affair Partner (AP) and who else was involved in her affair.

Regarding alcoholism and affairs. Our resident expert "Bigger" may be along to offer some excellent insight on this issue.

Don't let her use alcohol as an excuse. There's more going on than just simple addiction. She needs to get to the underpinnings of her addiction via comprehensive therapy. Affairs, like alcohol, can be another form of addiction.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:38 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8698190
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:44 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

my instinct to protect her feelings kicks in and I want to console

Yes, because you still love her. Don't let your love for her compromise you.

Don't let her victimize herself. Don't enable her to victimize herself.

YOU ARE THE VICTIM. She needs to be consoling you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:44 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8698191
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:56 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

If she wants R (Reconciliation) and you're still trying to figure out where you want to go from here, do the following:

-Request Full NC.

-Establish hard boundaries with consequences.

-Request full disclosure and Timeline-detailed Timeline.

-Request STD test

-Request Full Transparency.

-Review and monitor all her electronics, social media, phone, internet search histories, phone bills.

-No more drinking, especially drinking without you at bars.

-Watch discretely for continuing boundary violations.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:05 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8698192
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:05 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Does he have a wife, or girlfriend? If so, you need to tell her. She deserves to know.

Very rarely does a betrayed spouse get the truth in the beginning. Be very careful about trusting her,when she says it was one time. Cheaters lie

posts: 3780   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8698195
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:12 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

I am very sorry you are going through this horrible unnecessary trauma. I've been there. Several things you must do. Demand a DETAILED written timeline from your WW. Do not immediately accept that it was just an ONS. She needs to provide all details concerning a run-up to the physical affair. Had they been flirting for some time? Were they sharing texts back and forth? Were they sexting? Does she have feelings for the AP? How many times were they physical? Where and when? How did the affair end? Who did she confide in? Did a friend encourage her? These are some of the details you need. I would tell her that her responses are subject to a polygraph. That should give her some motivation to tell the truth.

If the AP has a wife or girlfriend, contact them immediately and tell them what you know of the affair. This is a must.

I would talk to the AP on the phone (do not physically confront him) and tell him to get the hell out of your lives and to never ever contact you or your wife again. Do this AFTER you tell his wife/girlfriend. I, personally, would not keep the affair secret among your friends especially if the AP is part of the group. You certainly don't want to ever see him again. They should know what the two of them did. But that is your call.

You may have to jettison some of these friends if they knew of an ongoing affair and played dumb or encouraged it. If the AP remains part of the group of friends, I can't see how you can maintain any type of friendship with these people unless the AP is banished.

Whether you stay is up to you, obviously. You have a very short marriage with no children. You now know your wife is a cheater and you will be on guard for further affairs from this point forward. That is no fun. I did it to no avail. This is the easiest time to get out of a marriage. You should think long and hard before you stay. DO NOT have children for several years if you stay. Make sure she is using some type of contraceptive. I would from this point forward use a condom with her because I wouldn't trust her one inch for quite some time.

posts: 458   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8698197
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 8:23 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

One thing that is important is NOT to do the work for her. Let her know she has to DRIVE the rebuilding of your relationship. That this is on her.

I recommend you ask her to research and create a recovery plan and present the first draft to you in a week. Hint: it will be insufficient and require lots of revisions. But she needs to lay the groundwork, not you. You didn’t cheat.

Let her Know it should include steps to help you heal, build trust and rebuild in your relationship what her affair destroyed.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3227   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8698202
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 8:45 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

If it was "one time" you should ask yourself exactly what led up to that and what came after that.

She didn't just accidentally trip and fall on this man's genitalia. Conversations, flirting, testing the waters, physical escalation all led up to this.

Yes, one night stands can develop in a matter of hours. Yes, alcohol lowers inhibitions. But the will has to be there even with alcohol involved.

But with a mutual friend? More likely that probably had no small amount of steps leading to it and some amount of planning. Your friend was scamming on her, and your wife was scamming on him. They used each other, so don't let your wife off the hook with the typical "it was a one time thing, it didn't mean anything, it was a mistake."
Don't brook any nonsense about "he manipulated me." She's a grown ass adult.

Women rarely will put themselves into a situation voluntarily in which sex is "on the table" so to speak, unless they have given it some thought and want it to happen. In other words, it doesn't happen spontaneously very often.

Now consider that she kept you in the dark about this for six more months. They didn't talk after the sex? They haven't had ongoing conversations? No physical contact at all? Really? If they had continuing contact, then by definition the affair continued. The longer the affair continued, the more toxic this becomes.

Then there's the matter of the sex itself. Where was this? In your home? In his? I can tell you that if sex happens in the home it is extremely difficult to "get past." The home itself becomes a massive trigger all the time.

You should consider drilling down on why she *really* decided to confess now, voluntarily. There's almost always more to the story.

Others have given you a good to-do list. I highly recommend you at least go sit down with an attorney so you understand the divorce process. I delayed doing this for three years. It's far better to just at least go meet with an attorney early, so the options in front of you are clear.

No kids, married only a short time. She couldn't even stay faithful during the newlywed phase. That's a really bad sign, I'm sorry. Usually the advice with a short marriage and no kids is ... RUN.

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:45 PM, Friday, November 12th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8698206
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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 9:02 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

It was premeditated, I'll say that. This friend had been propositioning her for months and she finally gave in. She drove to their place sober; it wasn't a loss of inhibition after a couple bottles of wine.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698210
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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 9:25 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Her best friend (someone I am friendly with but am not close with) has known about this for a while, but presumably didn't tell me because she thought it was my wife's duty to do that? I'm not sure, but she (the friend) has reached out to me with words of support and consolation. At first I was touched by that but now I don't know how to feel.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698214
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 9:31 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Hi OP. Just a couple of obvious things:

1) the two of you need to cut this asshole other man out of your life, 100% out.
2) what do you reckon are the chances she can get sober and stay sober? She keeps drinking, what a fun marriage you're looking at.

I don't plan on telling anyone else


No family you can talk to about this? Individual counselling for you could be another venue for you to vent about it all.

Sorry this happened.

posts: 386   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8698215
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 JollyBanshee (original poster new member #79590) posted at 9:43 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Thanks.

I could talk to my family about it but there's time for that if I feel like I need more support. Right now I have my best friend and we're looking into getting a counselor. If it's something we overcome and would rather it be kept private, I don't want to broadcast it to the world just yet.

She's been sober for two months now and seems to be taking it very seriously.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2021
id 8698217
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Keep in mind, OP, that your wife had to not only decide to do this, but decide to keep this from you, and this includes BEFORE it happened the first time, when it was still just in the planning stages in her mind. As in, when you left to go to work in the AM and told her to "have a good day", she had plans to go out and betray you. Included in this was some sort of alibi.

She really needs to dig into her Why's as to why she let herself do this.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:26 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8698221
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:17 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

The affair was a one-time thing I'm told, and I believe her.

Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn’t take anything for granted at this time. Cheaters tend to minimize. Most also lie a lot. Sorry

It was premeditated, I'll say that. This friend had been propositioning her for months and she finally gave in. She drove to their place sober; it wasn't a loss of inhibition after a couple bottles of wine.

Alcohol had nothing to do with her betrayal. I’d go online and review her phone bill. It sounds like this may have been an emotional affair that could have been going on awhile. If they were texting/calling a lot that may tell you when it started and how long it had been going on.


Her best friend (someone I am friendly with but am not close with) has known about this for a
while, but presumably didn't tell me because she thought it was my wife's duty to do that?

This may have been the reason you got a confession. She may have been told to either tell you or else. It would pay you to have a discussion with her friend and find out more.

If it's something we overcome and would rather it be kept private, I don't want to broadcast it to the world

Don’t be surprised if a lot more know. Her friend knew so don’t discount that others didn’t.

You are correct.. The affair partner has to be cut out completely and forever. He’s not your friend but a snake but your wife is the main culprit. He wouldn’t have been a problem if it wasn’t for your wife. You definitely need to inform his wife if he’s married. For various reasons.

If this affects your work inform your boss. You don’t need to get zinged. I’d suspect you’ll get support there.

You have much to think about. Rugsweeping can cause long term problems if you stay together.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:20 PM, Friday, November 12th]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8698231
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:19 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

This friend had been propositioning her for months and she finally gave in. She drove to their place sober; it wasn't a loss of inhibition after a couple bottles of wine.

This is a narrative she's spinning for you. Don't accept it. It isn't true. Your wife didn't "finally give in." That didn't happen! WW's unfortunately do this a lot. They want to be treated as adults and co-equals, except when it comes to their own shitty choices.

She didn't "give in." She didn't "go along with it." She decided on her own to act on an open sex invitation. She carried out a scheme to be penetrated by another man, then walked around with is DNA inside her and stone-cold lied to your face about it for half a year.

Now that's what happened.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4390   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8698232
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 10:21 PM on Friday, November 12th, 2021

Are you sure this was a one-time thing OP? Because I sure as hell wouldn't be. I hate to put more on your plate, but I really believe there is a lot of minimizing going on by your WW, and that there is still a lot you don't know.

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8698234
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