Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
Ever feel so betrayed it takes your breath away

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 12:29 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Sometimes i cant believe what my STBX did. Wow.

And twice.

It literally takes my breath away. I am dumbfounded.

I rug swept a lot after 2011 when he dumped ow1. I wanted to make it work so badly. I blamed his actions on bipolar.

Im just discovering true raw feelings now that im trying to move on. This is the why. This is the reason we are divorcing.

I have therapy next week grin

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:30 AM, Friday, October 8th]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8692060
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 4:38 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Congrats on getting into IC!

posts: 5026   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8692072
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:46 AM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

No, it took my life away.

30 plus years. A life time. I will never have a 50-year anniversary.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:47 AM, Friday, October 8th]

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 669   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8692077
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 1:53 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

Im so sorry you feel that way, leafields.

I am trying to figure out who i am without the marriage (we had been together over 20 years.. 1st boyfriend… college sweetheart)

I am contacting an airport to take flying lessons and a language program to learn a language. I want this to be one chapter thats closed. Not an ending to the book. I want to be that fun person who tried new things before we married.

Im just so shocked that this guy 1- did all this, 2- did it again! After i took him back, 3- is a dumbass. My family owns the house. He is living rent free. When he has to pay child support for 3 kids its gonna hurt.

He had a good thing and he messed it up.

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8692139
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 2:48 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021

What changed? Recently you posted that you were going to stay with him and couldn't do life without him.

You have posted about a lot of awful things he has done to you. You and your kids deserve so much better!!

Keep moving forward with your plans for a better life!!!

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2467   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8692179
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I hear you, Gotta. I will never wrap my head around the ability to lie to your spouse for 25 years and sleep with someone else for a decade (we were M almost 24 at dday, but he'd been in contact with his POSOW even while we were dating - she says they were having PA during that time too, but I'll never really know). I just don't get how anyone can do that.

And... it is what it is. I let it take my breath away, then start breathing again :)

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8692312
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 3:55 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

I have days when I feel like this, and it drives the doubt I will ever heal or be ok with staying in the M.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3384   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8692339
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 3:20 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

What changed? Recently you posted that you were going to stay with him and couldn't do life without him.

Honestly? I still am with him in the house bc i dont feel like i can (easily) do life wo him. Im going to ask the therapist how to proceed. It might be a while before i get out of living w him. I am thinking about moving as we are in the area for a job, and lost a lot of friends last year when he went manic. The one reason i say here is my sons school.

I talked to a close friend about leaving and stated my fears about money- WH usedto be a prosecutor, and is now in private practice. 20 years supporting him in a job i was very proud of but that doesnt pay as well as many other attorney jobs. Now hes a defense attorney. As my friend said, "oh shit. They make some serious bank"

Did i just support this doofus for two decades to get divorced when he is about to start making 6 figures?


But im more scared about living with him and being a shell of a person than living with out him. Im embarrassed so many people know what a scumbag he is. Its like, sorry, i have to leave so i dont look bad to other people. Youve put too much embarrassment out in the community we live in.

Im hoping i can do a few new things that make me feel better about myself.

My two goals are flying lessons and a language course online. The language course, i just have to pay for. But the flying lessons i have to have childcare for and thats harder. I asked wh if he would babysit his son while i did that, and he laughed at me. Said i wasn’t taking them, i have a baby, and thats stupid, how much does that cost, $30,000? (I have a sister and 2 cousins who have their private pilots license, so no, it doesnt cost $30,000, and its not as crazy a hobby as he says)

Im thinking of putting my toddler in daycare 2 days a week for 2 hours a time to just do stuff like that. Have a hobby. Go kayaking. Get a haircut.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:36 PM, Saturday, October 9th]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8692367
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021

You'll get there. It will happen when your ready.

Focusing on yourself and counseling are steps in the right direction.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2467   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8692381
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sshawness ( member #72588) posted at 8:20 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

It does take your breath away. And your sanity and your self-worth and your trust in yourself.

Staying with him is not worth flying lessons or any amount of money. I let my STBXWH stay for practical reasons as well as for my hope that he could return to who I thought he was. 2 years of him just pushing me farther and farther into the hole he dug.

It will hit you one day and you will finally be done.

"You can't be committed to your own bullshit and to your growth. It's one or the other." Scott Stabile

posts: 51   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8692489
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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Thanks for the comments and support everyone

Im trying to take the lessons to feel good about myself. They arent so much why im with him as much as i need to feel good about myself. Im hoping i will take these lessons, lose weight, take care of mysef in general and leave. Because now i look at myself in the mirror and think, yeah, hes right! Im a loser wo a job and fat and lazy. The house is a wreck!”

He puts me down a lot. My friends from highschool and college are all professionals, im the only SAHM. He says, wow, dont you feel crappy that Suzy, Sally and Samantha all have great careers and you have never had a job (not true, but i havent had a job in 16 years)

He also said last year, after OW2 screwed him over at work and he had to resign. "Wow, gotta. OW2 has MS, 2 kids AND a job. Maybe i should have her call you and help give you some advice on how you can work when you have kids"

So the flying and language lessons are more to make me feel interesting and not like a dull boring SAHM like he says.

Thereis a strong fear in me that this douche Ive supported all these years (i worked while in grad school to put him thru law school, since, "law school was too stressful to have a job" rolleyes

Im scared he will start making a lot of money as a defense attorney! I want my share of that!

Also, i have no other adults in my area who im close enough to to help me at a moments notice. I have some other stuff going on that i have had to visit sick famiky out if town and he did stay with older kids and get them to school

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 4:22 PM, Sunday, October 10th]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8692518
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:27 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

You can change all you want. (BTW only make changes YOU wish to make).

He’s a jerk — sad to say. My H never put me down like that and honestly you’re H sounds petty, jealous and insecure. Stop trying to prove something to HIM and focus on yourself. My thought is you could have a great career and be perfect and he would still put you down.

You don’t need his disrespect.

You don’t need his unkind heart and coldness.

He is SO insecure he can only feel good by cheating and putting you down. Sadly this is HIS issue and has nothing to do with you.

I dated a guy like him at 18. By 21 I couldn’t get away fast enough. I realized I was always going to be teased snd mocked and put down. And yes that loser did cheat on me too but I decided to get back together with him. 3 months later I knew it was a mistake.

Do what is best for you and makes you happy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692528
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 8:43 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I agree with The1stwife.

No matter what you do he will find something mean to say. You need to stop listening to him.

My friends all have better jobs than I do. That doesn't mean they are better people than I am or happier and my H has never said anything mean to me.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a sahm!!! I think it is wonderful. So what your house is messy. If it bothers him so much why doesn't he clean it. Lots of people have messy houses and extra pounds to lose.

You and your kids are healthy. Live life and focus on the positive.

As long as you keep listening to him and comparing yourself to others you will never be happy.

Keep focusing on you and putting one foot in front of the other.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2467   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8692563
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