SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m not at all sure where my issues fit on this forum. I have been divorced for 8 years after a long term marriage that survived the first round of affairs on his part but not the second. So I have been single and dating since my divorce. I have literally had the WORST LUCK EVER!!! The first guy I dated and fell for did not make any effort to see me and so we kind of faded out. The next guy died. Yes, died. The next guy was ok, but I just wasn’t that into him so broke it off. Then I fell head over heels for what I thought was my soul mate and he was so over bearing, controlling and turned out abusive and put me in the hospital. Now for the last 2 years I have been texting, FaceTime and talking to a man I met about 5 years ago on a gaming site. We’d been on and off again flirting, but since 2018 talking more often and more seriously. I told him about how my marriage ended and how difficult that period of my life was, we discussed how his marriage ended, his kids, our hopes and dreams, etc etc etc.

Then at 12:30 AM on Saturday, I received a text from an unknown number.

His wife.

Yup, he’s married. Not divorced. Not even separated. But he’s been sitting in his house, texting and flirting with me like he loves me (like he said I he did) FOR YEARS
.

I’m overcome with anger at him.

I’m overcome with guilt for her.

I’m wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

At 61 I am just too old for this and considering going back to my ex husband! Help!!

At 61 I am just too old for this and considering going back to my ex husband! Help!!

No no no no no no no no no...you won't fix a spate of bad relationship experiences by going back to someone you already know is bad for you. Nooooo. Being alone is much much better than that. You need to get to a point where you're okay being on your own and not requiring a man. I'm not blaming you for all these guys (aside from the one who died) being shit. That's not on you. But don't settle for shit just to not be alone.

OMG I am so sorry you've dealt with all of that. It's too much and not fair at all. That's a lot for anyone to handle.

LIO, can you get into IC? It does sound like your picker could be broken if you've found yourself in multiple abusive relationships (including your XWH). Maybe you are susceptible to the manipulative games they play like love bombing and the push-pull dynamic. But I agree with Dee. Being alone is far better than a cheater or someone who puts you in the hospital.

Do. Not. Go. Back.

thanks for the comments Dee, Neko and NMFR…

I won't go back, That would be stupid. I am just beginning to wonder if all men are awful. My picker is off for sure,
and truth be told I do get lonely.

About 10 months after d-day I started a whirlwind period of hookups, ONS and dating. Always searching for "the special one". After some months of this it sort of grew tired. It just wasn’t worth the effort and emotional cost. I backed down, cut down on the nights out, the drinking, the partying and the trips to bars and clubs where the goal was to cast out the bait and catch some feminine fish.

Close to 18 months after d-day I shared a table at a crowded cafe with the most beautiful woman on Earth. She sat with her friend on one end and I asked if my mom and I could sit on the other. We just minded our own business and there really wasn’t any interaction. But I definitely noticed her.

We then passed on the street maybe a week later and said hi.

Then maybe a month later she was alone at the same café and I asked if I could sit with her. We chatted but nothing more. Some weeks later I go to an event, and there she is with her friend. We start talking and I invite her on a date. That’s over 30 years ago and we are so happily married.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can’t go looking for love. You have to let it come to you. If you are busy looking for it you tend to focus on what’s ahead rather than what you have.

We are not too far off in age and I don’t think the good men of our generation do their dating online. I think that’s more akin to my past casting the bait to get some feminine fish. I encourage you to do activities and have interests that get you in contact with people in the flesh rather than online, and to spend a bit of time to check compatibility and past before allowing them past a certain emotional barrier.

You can call it bad luck or you can call it life.

Let’s recap some of my dating experiences - a jealous cheating drunk, a serial cheater and then a really great guy (long distance led to break up). Then a series of dates — nothing serious and then met my H.

Point is we ALL have similar stories of dating the wrong person. And liars. And cheaters. And jerks.

Online is the worst IMO b/c of catfishing and married people pretending to be unattached etc.

Set boundaries. Don’t go "all in" and always have an exit strategy. The first time something doesn’t add up - run!!

And don’t over invest in anyone. Ever!

She has been texting me.

I told her I was nothing, focus on her family and not me, and go to counseling.

She asked me to forward her all our correspondence. I didn’t because I had immediately deleted him, his number and all our texts. She asked me if we had phone sex. We hadn’t so I told her no.

Then she sent me pictures of herself. In stilettos laying on a bed, and another leaning against a wall hiking up her skirt. With that she wrote…"I just found a picture of you, now I know what you look like." I did not respond, and haven’t responded to her since. I don’t have any idea of why she sent me pictures of herself (they looked about 20 years old) but maybe she needed to prove to me she was sexy? But why? I didn’t even know she existed, nor had her husband and me exchanged pictures like that.

Just curious, has he tried to contact you after Dday? if so, what did he tell you ?. OTOH I would just block them both and move on.

That is awful, he put you in a position of OW without your knowledge. She is trying to put her anger on you and not her lying H. Block them and move on. Don’t go back to the Ex either find joy within and it will be contagious to right partner one day. Take care of you first.

At 61 I am just too old for this and considering going back to my ex husband! Help!

How about going back to you? The real you that you put on hold a long time ago when you first were married. See what it is like not thinking about whatever man is in your life.

I entertain the thought quite often that perhaps God is doing me a huge favor keeping me single. At first after divorce I wanted someone desperately. But then over time, I have discovered I love to be on my own. If you give yourself time who knows what you may discover. You have many wonderful years ahead of you. Guard them fiercely and do not allow anyone in that gets in the way of that.

As far as his wife, maybe kindly let her know you were never interested in a married man and you will now be blocking her. And then do it. Her sending the photos and saying she knows what you look like is creepy so best to shut this down. No answer from you is boring, she will hopefully move on.

Sorry you have been through the wringer and it sounds like you need some space to breath on your own.

Take care.

I totally agree that it’s time for me.

I’m looking forward to my subscription to the theater this fall.

Both are ignored and blocked. Thanks for responding1🤗