HeartbrokenInNV (original poster new member #78777) posted at 7:09 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
My husband and I started dating when we were both 19, and we were virgins when we met. I lived have 28 years of my life and our entire relationship believing we were each other's "one and only" sexual partners. I have never had sex with another person, never.
Found out 6 months ago that he is a sex addict and he had multiple emotional affairs (hundreds of cyber-sex and phone-sex partners), and he actually met one of his online women in a hotel in Florida for a weekend 20 years ago and had sex with her multiple times (at least 4 times). He did not use protection. He did not tell me until six months ago.
I feel SO violated and disrespected. He never got tested for any diseases. I do not even know if he got her pregnant. This was two decades ago, when we were both barely 27 years old, but it hurts me on the deepest level. I can barely function.
Does anybody out there have a similar experience? I feel like my entire life has been wasted.
(We have both been getting professional help, he has been in rehab and we are seeing several therapists weekly). I just need to know that I am not alone. Please, someone, help me.
[This message edited by HeartbrokenInNV at 7:10 AM, Sunday, October 3rd]
still-living ( member #30434) posted at 11:03 AM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
You are not alone. My wife and I were Onlies, and the losing this status was very difficult for me. Learn, learn, learn everything you can about yourself and infidelity to help you make the best choices going forward for your future.
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 2:22 PM on Sunday, October 3rd, 2021
I was a virgin before my XWW. She wasn't and I knew it. I wasn't ecstatic about that but there was so many ways that I was attracted to her. All I needed was for her to be true to me and our marriage. As time passed in our marriage more about her "pre me" time trickled out for various reasons. I believed in marriage and that adultery was the only reason for divorce. After DDay1 more DDays came out about "post me". So did a whole lot more about the "pre me" than I was lead to believe. We're divorced. What do you do with a serial cheater?
PS. I hope that one of the therapists you're seeing isn't a marriage counsellor. Your marriage isn't sick. Your WH is. Too often MC is detrimental to the BS.
[This message edited by steadychevy at 8:25 AM, October 3rd (Sunday)]
BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
csaiht ( member #77335) posted at 4:30 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021
I'm in a very similar situation, yes. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I relate very much to what you wrote. This is an extremely traumatic experience.
I was with my husband since I was 17 & he was 19. I haven't been with anyone but him ever since. I'm 37 now. I thought we had only been with each other all this time, but I found out almost a year ago now that he had been cheating almost the whole time. I had no idea. Unprotected sex as well, and I never knew. He never got tested for diseases. It is such a violation.
If I can recommend a couple things to you, please listen to all the podcasts on this link:
https:// theinstituteforsexualhealth. com/podcasts/
(It won't let me post the link here, but copy that and paste it without the spaces. Those podcasts will help you)
and get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft & give that a read.
[This message edited by csaiht at 4:31 AM, Tuesday, October 5th]
Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020 Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021
Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 4:59 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021
We weren't each other's first but we did start dating at a very young age I was 17 he was 18. So we had a lot of first as far as sexual things go that are no longer just mine and his. And it's heartbreaking and it's very hard to get past. You're right It does make you feel violated in the worst possible way by the one person you truly thought was there to protect you.
BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.
AllIam ( new member #79188) posted at 8:55 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021
My husband was my first and he supposedly had sex 1 time before me. (I recently learned that he lied about that too.)
I can't describe the pain I feel knowing that he's the only man I've been with, but he has had unlimited experiences.
I feel so compared! I often wonder how he could ever be satisfied with me now.
For some reason him being my only and living our entire lives believing in a lie makes me feel so stupid. I'm proud of my values and don't want to change, but something about it makes his betrayal that much more traumatic for me. Why should I feel less than for upholding my values??---but sadly I do.
The specialness is gone and the innocence of our relationship is long gone. I grieve it every day. At this moment I'm sitting here feeling so bewildered and wondering how I'm ever going to survive this devastation.
C599 ( new member #79469) posted at 11:47 AM on Saturday, October 9th, 2021
My ex was 18 and I 20 when we met. Together six years then recently over. I was a virgin, but had been in a few sexual relationships. She wasn’t, but she had said it wasn’t 100% consensual.
We both considered being our real firsts. But, then she cheated on me at least twice and was abusive. The first time that feeling hit really hard, as I could forgive her but that just stung. I held onto mistrust and a lot of feelings until it happened again. It doesn’t matter to me anymore and there’s much more things I’m concerned with. Such as myself and our kids. It took a course, but I feel free.
We’re not together and don’t know if we will be, but I love her dearly. If we ever do, and she truly breaks the cycle, then I envision our love being innocent once again.
[This message edited by C599 at 11:51 AM, Saturday, October 9th]