Newest Member: Withoutloveinthedream

Divorce/Separation :
I haven't been with anyone else in 20 years

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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 1:42 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

I'm coming up on 1 year since my marriage imploded & I found out my xWH had been cheating on me for a whole decade. And as far back as 15 years ago. Been separated for just over a month now. Things were bad for us for many years before this (he'd been cheating on me the whole time and I didn't know it; now all the bad times make so much sense).

I know it's not advisable to date so soon, but I've been craving a loving, involved partner for so long. Many, many years. I've been doing almost everything by myself all this time, and I just want someone who genuinely wants to do life with me.

But I'm both excited and terrified because I haven't been with anyone except xWH for the last 20 years. I thought he'd only been with me all this time, too, but... obviously not.

I feel so nervous and scared at the thought of being with anyone else sexually. I'm nervous about whether I'll ever trust anyone ever again after this. I'm scared about the possibility that I'll never have the good relationship I've always wanted because of the trauma from this betrayal.

And while I logically know better, there's a small part of me that wishes my xWH would grow & become someone capable of a healthy, honest relationship, and we could get back together. And I only hang onto this a tiny bit because we have kids and I've always wanted to just be a happy family together. I just hate this whole situation so much.

I recognize I'm not in a position to be a great partner to someone else right now, but these are the thoughts swirling around in my mind and I wanted to get them out.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020
Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8691115
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 2:11 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Dating again can be very difficult. You need confidence in yourself. Be the best version of yourself so that you can be attractive to a wide range of men. Get in good shape, physically. Pay attention to your looks. Be friendly, outgoing and optimistic. Do not play the victim. It is unattractive. Most of all, do not have unrealistic expectations. In fact, try and have very little in the way of expectations if you do on-line dating or blind date setups. It can be very time consuming, frustrating, and depressing if you have such expectations. You can hit it off on the phone but it immediately fizzles when you meet the person. Just keep expectations under control. Ideally, it would be nice to date someone you already know, but that is very limiting and could ruin friendships.

Most importantly, start dating when you are ready to do so. It can be a brutal process. You probably will build friendships with other single women. That will expand your horizon and help you through the lonely times. Your married friends may not be as available as before. Some of your married girlfriends may even look at you as a threat.

Some divorced people give up and don't date. That is a shame. Like anything, you get what you put into it. Just stay the course. I was single for quite some time after my divorce. I have been through it all concerning dating. I finally met someone through work and I am quite happy.

As far as sex is concerned, if you really are attracted to the person you will be amazed how exciting it can be. Don't worry about it. It will come naturally.

posts: 435   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8691117
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 5:05 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Oh goodness did I write this? You sound so much like me. Wh was my first real boyfriend. I had dated a little before him, but just a few dates. No one serious. I was beginning to think I would never have a boyfriend, I was 19.

Then I met WH! It was fast and I loved him very soon! Married at 21. Red flags showed up before the marriage but i was niave and in love.

Wh is a horrible husband (1 pa in 2009-2010, and an EA in 2019-2020, plus while we were separated in 2010 he had sex with several women. Is that cheating on me? I know it was cheating on the mistress he left me for. laugh Who knows!)

I have been searching online dating sites. Just seeing who’s out there.

I dont have anything to say but i am in your shoes!! Wondering if I will ever get a descent partner?

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691229
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TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 9:56 AM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

BBF here to give you different perspective (not that different really)

I’m in roughly the same place as you with respect to time served (26 years) and previous relationships (very few) and I’m 3 months from physically separating from my WGF

Initially I was both excited and fearful about dating again but as I spent some time on my own and with friends, even spending some time platonically with single women I realise I am in no way ready for a new relationship, mostly because although I am physically out of my previous relationship I am emotionally still in it and may be for a while.

I did (past tense) form a platonic relationship with a single lady, also betrayed but several year before me and I was worried she was reading more into it than I was able or willing to offer. But I met for coffees and occasional beers and enjoyed her company however she had a perculiar style of flirting that initially I found cute but eventually realised wasn’t healthy for me. I would say she was doing the female version of negging but over the course of a month or so this negging just became outright insulting and was bringing me down, I realised that the previous 3 times we’d met I was less happy after the meet up than I was before.

Actually although I didn’t really let her in, she got enough of me for that negging to do some damage, enough for me to restart therapy.

So I’ve decided for myself I’m not ready, not for a relationship anyway. Maybe something casual or maybe not I havnt tried that yet.

Its tough when you only ever pictured your life following one course, when that change comes to understand what the future looks like is very difficult. I certainly don’t see myself as a not ever wanting to date but right now I don’t have any idea who I am never mind have any idea what kind of person would compliment that.

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 371   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8691303
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 6:38 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

I met my XW a year after I graduated from college and we fell pretty hard and fast and were married 7 months later. 28 years later, she started questioning her sexuality and 31 years into the marriage we separated and were legally divorced after 32 years and 2 months.

I found a few friends right away and just started hanging around and trying to relearn how to be out and about. The first time a lady flirted with me, I quite simply panicked and felt so uncomfortable. My friends I was with just laughed at me and later good naturedly teased me. I met 1 particular lady friend and we just did stuff together, like ride bikes, hike, kayak, fish, go to wine tastings, have meals together, take drives and have just platonic good times. In fact, when we met, she was dating someone and I met him and he seemed like a nice guy. That relationship for her broke off when he got jealous about the amount of time her and I spent together and it was totally platonic at the time.

It was only after about 4 or 5 months that we recognized that what were doing was actually dating and had a relationship that was more than just friendship. We spent every free day/evening together. The pandemic encouraged us to tighten up our circles of friends and we tried to do things mostly outside. It turned romantic and we had a wonderful time, but it sure took us a while to get there. Ultimately, that relationship failed due to differences in the stages of life we were both in (my youngest was graduating high school and her oldest was only in 8th grade) so we parted. Looking back with the clarity of hindsight, I was NOT ready for anything other than a casual relationship, but thought I could handle something deeper, but could not and was not capable of being "picky" like I should have.

I tried OLD and met a couple of nice ladies, but it seemed like there was too much electronic 'vetting' of everyone and in at least one case, a sense of desperation to get in a relationship quickly was a major turn-off for me. I am learning to be more selective about who might get a second date.

Now I'm dating a very nice lady. We met on a group bike ride. She doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend and I don't want to be anyone's boyfriend. She likes her life and I am learning to like my life. I like sleeping in my own bed, she likes sleeping in her own bed. We are both teachers, so understand the pressures of trying to teach kids who essentially ran wild for 18 months. We get together 1 or 2 times a week, talk on the phone a couple of times and feel no need to pressure each other. Last night, for example, I had my butt firmly on the sofa for an evening of TV when she texted and asked I wanted to meet to listen to some music at a local brewpub. So I put some shoes on and drove over to meet her. The music didn't last long but we ended up staying and talking for an hour or so. A few parking lot smooches and she went to her house and I went to mine.

There is no rush to date. You take whatever time you need. But make some new friends, or get reacquainted with old friends and try and get out and about. We do heal, but at our own pace. I, like you, feel the need to have that strong connection with a fully committed partner but realize that I have to take my time and find my place in the world again before I can fully give myself over to that kind of relationship.

[This message edited by countrydirt at 6:41 PM, Saturday, October 2nd]

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8691329
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I have been searching online dating sites. Just seeing who’s out there.

Me too! And I hate it so much. The idea of dating never, ever appealed to me. I don't know how these people fool themselves into thinking blowing up their marriage to go be single & date around & sleep with tons of people is going to be exciting. It sounds like torture to me! I hate the whole thing.

I dont have anything to say but i am in your shoes!! Wondering if I will ever get a decent partner?

It's so hard to imagine there's someone out there!

I'm sorry you're in my shoes too. These are lonely shoes.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020
Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8691658
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 4:50 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

BBF here to give you different perspective

What does BBF mean?

So I’ve decided for myself I’m not ready, not for a relationship anyway. Maybe something casual or maybe not I havnt tried that yet.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience with that woman. I don't have any way to even go out & meet people. Wish I did! With the pandemic and me having my kids almost 100% of the time, I just don't have a way.

I hope therapy is helpful for you!

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020
Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8691659
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 csaiht (original poster member #77335) posted at 5:01 AM on Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

@countrydirt — thanks, I appreciate that. Right now I have my kids almost 100% of the time, so that plus the pandemic & I just don't have a way of getting out to meet people right now. I wish I did. I want so badly to have someone. I need that physical presence of another person. Snuggling, touching, etc. It's torture being alone.

I can relate to having to figure out how to interact with people again. I'm making connections online just to figure out how to have a conversation with someone new again. It's been nice talking with people, but I feel totally out of my element.

I have browsed the OLD world too, and it was awful.

I'm glad you've found someone and are feeling happy with your life on your own. Thanks for sharing that.

Me: BW Him: xWH
both in late 30s
Together 19 years, married 12
young kids
Dday 1 - Feb 2020 PA
False R for 8 months
Dday 2 - Oct 2020
Discovered a 9 year long PA/EA & other EAs
Separated - Aug 2021

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2021
id 8691661
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