Newest Member: Strugglinglady

Just Found Out :
She is so hurtful towards me... why?

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 brokenheartedmomof3 (original poster new member #79306) posted at 5:46 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

I posted recently about having found out a little over a month ago now. Affair has been going on a little over two months. My wife is ready to divorce me and be with this other woman and all the while we are still living under the same roof and I. Am. Dying.

I get that a lot of this is textbook but why is she treating me so horribly? As if I am the one who's destroying this family? The way she speaks about me to the AP is just... like I am garbage. I am still the woman she chose to marry and spend 16 years with. The woman who was there through so much, who carried and gave birth to our three children. How can she speak about me so cruelly? What have I done to deserve this? And how can she let the AP do the same? Shouldn't there be some instinctual drive to defend me? How is that just completely GONE?

My heart is so broken. I am having a really, really hard time. I know everyone says this but this is 1,000% not the person I married.

Same-sex marriage (headed to divorce but I'm still hoping for a change)Me: BW, 39Her: WW, 38Married: 2008D-Day 8/20213 young kids :(

posts: 18   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2021   ·   location: MD
id 8690266
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Felix12306 ( member #78827) posted at 5:59 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

I can empathize with you on it not being the person you married. I don't know exactly every detail of what my WH told his AP about me, but I can only imagine what it was to justify his actions. It makes me so sick, he had all this bad to say about me but has nothing bad to say about her, not really. Except that he hates he allowed her into our life.

It's like looking at a stranger alot of the times and that is almost as bad as the infidelity.

Had I known he would turn into this person I would have never married him. Too bad we don't get warning labels on people.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 140   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8690268
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:46 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

I’m so sorry and saddened to read this.

In the eyes of the cheater you are the enemy. You are standing in the cheater’s way of "true love" and happiness. barf

They are cruel to the betrayed to remain loyal to the AP. Unfortunately it ends up this way and it doesn’t make sense, but it just happens (unfortunately).

The cheater at e blames the betrayed for their unhappiness in order to justify the affair. After all it’s NOT the cheater’s fault they chose to cheat. duh

I’m sorry thus is happening to you. You certainly don’t deserve this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10732   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690273
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:52 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

How can she speak about me so cruelly?


Simple. By making you the bad guy, she can justify her sh!tty actions and preserve the self-image she built of herself.

What have I done to deserve this?


Nothing. She just doesn't have the integrity or maturity to accept that she's being a gigantic POS.

And how can she let the AP do the same? Shouldn't there be some instinctual drive to defend me?


As sh!tty as it sounds, you're needed to help fuel their love story. You're the big bad that's keeping them from being together. Otherwise, what exactly would they have?

The only instinctual drive your stbx has to protect is towards herself.

How is that just completely GONE?


Because the love and care you have towards her is not the same as what she once felt for you. It seems she only carried on as long as you served a purpose to her and her needs. But now that she's found the next branch to swing to, her true colors came out.

Hang in there. Wishing you strength.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8690274
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 10:49 AM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Most of this is to justify the A.

She's got this shiny new thing that she's all excited about. She's intensely into limerence.

Why bash you? To make her seem like she's done with you for good reasons, to justify it all to the AP.

After all, she doesn't want to be seen as a lying cheater to her new thing.

She doesn't want the new thing to ever think ... oh, I'd never do this you, you're not like "her".

You are completely the victim in this whole thing and have been a caring and loving person.

Your W has lost her mind and that's probably permanent. Slowly but surely she stopped caring about all of you.

That's been there for a while and now she has the monkey branch.

We're sorry. This is where NC with her would help a lot and she really has to go from your residence.

Focus on the kids. Think about how confused they are.

[This message edited by rugswept at 10:51 AM, Sunday, September 26th]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 964   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8690275
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:22 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

As others have said, the worse she can paint you in her own mind and to others, the more "justified" she is for seeking out this new relationship with the AP and the more "justified" she is for breaking up the family and restructuring her life (and the kids lives) to include the AP.

It feels very personal to you, of course. Yet, it actually has nothing to do with you in reality--because it isn't based in reality. It's a negative fantasy and storyline created by your wayward spouse to feel better about her own egregious actions.

Please see her behavior for what it is: Her flawed thinking and actions. Her willingness and choice to be an unsafe partner. Her own brokenness that she refuses to accept or address.

Since you cannot stop her from wanting to paint you like this in her own mind, you must disengage as much as possible. Protect yourself from her very harmful and emotionally abusive behaviors. Create as much distance as you can so that you can be safe and begin to find some peace.

Build your own support system of others who will lift you up. You ARE WORTHY and WONDERFUL. Own that. Insulate yourself from the negative like your life depends on it, because right now it sounds like it does.

You have some beautiful children, yes? Find your joy there with them.

If you are struggling beyond what you can carry, get an emergency session with your therapist or call the National Suicide Prevention line 1-800-273-8255.

You deserve joy and happiness.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 65   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8690280
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:13 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

Ah, the thin line between love and hate.

Some cheaters become indifferent towards the betrayed, some become resentful and annoyed, and some even hate.

It's all part of their efforts to move on towards their perceived happiness with a clear conscience. Their entitled right to happiness and fulfillment that they feel you are either an impediment to, or a dead end towards.

They're deeply conflicted. They don't understand how they love(d) you and now want someone else. They know they're hurting you-deeply. They know what they're doing is incredibly destructive, irrational, fundamentally wrong yet, feels so right. So right they're compelled to do whatever it takes: give up children, destroy families, cause permanent trauma, jeopardize careers, futures, retirements, financial stability, reputations, etc. Mentally they're tearing themselves apart trying to make sense of what they're doing and why.

So, they make peace with themselves at your expense. They make peace with themselves and sense of their senselessness, allowing themselves to pursuit maladaptive compulsions borne from brokenness. They're chronically unfulfilled. They think fulfillment comes exclusively from others. They don't have the ability to seek individual healthful, diverse and wholesome forms of fulfillment, enrichment and self soothing. They turn exclusively towards a few unsustainable vices for fulfillment. They think a spouse is entirely responsible for their lasting happiness.

Demonizing your BS, rewriting marital history is an extremely effective way for the WS to justify their actions, make sense of the senselessness, move on and live with themselves. It helps pave the way towards their perceived happiness, retain some form of dignity, self respect and esteem with themselves, family and friends and, it works.

Some WS's take it one step further and spoil the shit out of the kids, buying their love and forgiveness while demonizing the betrayed co-parent in a relentless character assassination campaign. That too is very effective. They want the kids to understand why they cheated and sympathize.

That's the ultimate insult to injury.

The best and only things you can do to combat and survive this is:

-Retain your dignity
-Be classy. Be cool. Don't react to it at all emotionally. Respond tactically with class and maturity.
-Live well. Live a wholesome good life. Be happy.
-Move on. Control only what you can control.
-Protect yourself and your reputation-tactically, and tactfully.
-Get an attorney, listen to the attorney.
-Distance yourself, if able, from the toxins.
-Get a muse.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8690338
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 9:54 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

How can she...

She can, because she has it in her to be that horrible disgusting person. You are getting an up close, personal lesson in human nature.

One thing to know, she depends on you being bamboozled and asking "how could she?" She depends on you thinking maybe it is you, that maybe she is not the horrible person she is. The sooner you move on from asking that question and just focus on taking control, the better. You can ask those questions later, when the battle is won.

And it is a battle, my friend.

Sending strength!

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2732   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8690345
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 12:05 AM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Forks027 explained it very well.

How can she speak about me so cruelly? What have I done to deserve this? And how can she let the AP do the same?

As Forks027 explained, she doesn’t have the integrity or maturity to admit to anyone, especially herself, how badly she is treating you.

What is especially bad is that, unfortunately, you will always be a living reminder to her of how she is a total failure as a human being.

Her resentment of you for being that reminder will serve to fuel her need to vilify you.

My XWW was absolutely heinous to me after she started her betrayal (but before I found out) and became just outright evil after I found out.

There is no one, not even remotely close, that she treated worse than me in her entire life.

It was surreal how bad it was.

And yes, her and her adultery partner trashed me behind my back.

The biggest key here in dealing with this is to know that none of her behavior has anything to do with you or your marriage - nothing.

There is nothing you did or did not do that caused her to do this.

Marital issues DO NOT cause infidelity.

Shitty people with shitty personal issues and shitty morality CHOOSE to betray.

Again, her reasons for betraying you and how terribly she has been treating you IS NOT because of you or even about you.

You have just been involuntarily cast in the role of the villain in her immature fantasy world.

Sear it into your heart, mind, and soul that her behavior is not your fault and is not about you and absolutely reject any attempt by her to blame you for her personal behavior.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1139   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8690364
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 brokenheartedmomof3 (original poster new member #79306) posted at 10:42 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Thank you everyone. I know you all are right, and I know her behavior towards me is not exactly unique but even so, I am having so much trouble understanding it. How someone goes from being the person who protects you (and she did, all the time) to the person responsible for hurting you over and over again... I will never understand.

All in the span of just over two months.

Same-sex marriage (headed to divorce but I'm still hoping for a change)Me: BW, 39Her: WW, 38Married: 2008D-Day 8/20213 young kids :(

posts: 18   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2021   ·   location: MD
id 8690524
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 10:49 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Don't try to understand it. You're trying to find logic in the illogical. It's crazymaking.

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8690526
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 brokenheartedmomof3 (original poster new member #79306) posted at 11:32 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

I honestly don't know how to move on without understanding. I am stuck.

Same-sex marriage (headed to divorce but I'm still hoping for a change)Me: BW, 39Her: WW, 38Married: 2008D-Day 8/20213 young kids :(

posts: 18   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2021   ·   location: MD
id 8690535
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 6:23 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

How someone goes from being the person who protects you (and she did, all the time) to the person responsible for hurting you over and over again


Look I'm sorry to say this about your wife, but cheaters are terrible people that are capable of terrible cruelty.

She can't leave and betray a wonderful woman (you), I mean what kind of cruel, cold, selfish bitch would do that to their partner?

So, you need to be vilified.

posts: 362   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8690597
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 12:40 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Put very well and succinctly by SnowToArmPits.

Look I'm sorry to say this about your wife, but cheaters are terrible people that are capable of terrible cruelty.

She can't leave and betray a wonderful woman (you), I mean what kind of cruel, cold, selfish bitch would do that to their partner?

So, you need to be vilified.

And, it can go from vilifying you to then attempting to be oddly friendly.

I experienced the same and both the vilification and patronizing "friendliness" are self-serving for them - meaning it’s not about you.

It’s about their self preservation and image control.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1139   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8690945
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

I hear you. I couldn’t heal until I understood it either (and that was with a remorseful spouse). Right now though, you’re standing there bleeding out and worrying about shopping around to compare the price of gauze at various pharmacies. Stop the bleeding first.

Right now it feels like this is happening to you and in many ways it is. What I want for you is to get back in the drivers seat. You might not like where the car is headed but (your original route is no longer an option) but you still have some choices.

You can do this. Keep posting. We are all here for you. I’m so sorry. ♥️

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 636   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8691107
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:54 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

You need to get some therapy immediately.

If you work ask about their EAP and usually those can get you 6 sessions with a therapist and set up in under a week.

If not Google psychologytoday to find a therapist quickly. You need one that specializes in trauma. You are traumatized. Infidelity is her issue not yours.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18982   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8691250
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wendygirl ( new member #79187) posted at 1:08 AM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

I'm sorry this is happening to you, you don't deserve this at all. My husband did this too. Apparently talking shitty to/about you is how they justify having the affair to themselves.

Wendy

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8691288
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