Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
Why was Ex nice to others and not spouse

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 Gottagetthrough (original poster member #27325) posted at 2:02 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

I bet a lot of us have had this happen. Ex was super supportive of OW and even others in their lives, but constantly put you, the spouse, down.

I was VERY supportive of WH. My family helped us financially. I am a generally nice person. I am relatively attractive.

Friends have asked WH, "How did you land her?" Our daughter has even asked this.

So why did WH tell his family to be nice and accept his OW? Make her come on vacation with them? Why didnt he tell them i was important? To Be nice to me?

Why did he stick up for OW2 and tearfully tell me, shes like a sister since my family has rejected me. But I will give up a friend relationship with her if thats what u want.

As a former adulterer, he should have dropped contact with his "friend" immediately when I asked. Instead he went to bat for her.

Ow 1, he paraded around his family. So much so MIL told me, "its a shame about ow1, she had such a great career" when she heard that she was on mental health leave. She told WH she was answering Ow1’s calls after he dumped her bc "that poor girl needs someone to talk to"

Its like i was living in Bizarro World! WH and his family treated ME like I was the unreasonable and unstable OW and treated OW like family.

And honestly, the teal question i should be asking is Why did you stay so long, Gotta? There are a lot of reasons for that. Family, finances, the thrill when he did treat me nicely.

I just cant imagine WH having a great wife like me, loyal to a fault! and not cherishing us our marriage our family and our kids?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:19 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

posts: 3617   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8689516
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 2:25 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

When I was younger I had a group that I thought were my friends. These 'friends' treated me poorly. They never seemed to be happy if things went well for me. They made remarks in a passive agressive way to tell me they were better in some way etc. Another friend of mine who was not connected to this group told me one day "please don't change to make these loosers like you. You are great just the way you are. They put you down and are mean to you because they are jelous. They want to be you".

This rings true here too. These lot of loosers can't stand that you are above them. Don't waste your mental energy figuring out stupid.

posts: 42   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8689518
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:59 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

The cheater has to be mean to the betrayed spouse for a number of reasons.

They need to be loyal to the AP

They need to hate the spouse to justify the affair

They need to fight against the fact that "we the betrayed just don’t understand this "true love" they found" and fight against the delusion they are living with

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689560
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Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 1:46 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I just cant imagine WH having a great wife like me, loyal to a fault! and not cherishing us our marriage our family and our kids?

Loyal to a fault is the key. You were quite literally, taken for granted. Very likely, the assumption was that you put up with a lot, you won't be upset about the A, IF you find out. WS's (some) assume that the M means too much and you won't leave. This sounds like the case for you.

I also put up with too much from XWW. Her issue was different, as she was actually pushing for D by having the A's (IMO).

Sounds like your WH and family treated you poorly because they thought they could. You probably showed kindness, empathy, stability so many times, they thought you could handle. They may not have understood how disrespectful it was.

The other possibility is that they are just selfish assholes

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8689691
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:09 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I'll take Things Narcissists Do for $1000, Alex.

It could be part of the devalue or discard phase of a narc. Narcs prey on people who are loyal because it makes their life easier. You'll stay because you're loyal, and you'll cover for them by excusing their behavior to others.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 669   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8689695
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I'll take Things Narcissists Do for $1000, Alex.

Was just going to say this is very typical behavior of a Narcissist. My ex would light up instantly if a friend was stopping by or a phone call from someone he likes, but as soon as it came to me I got the cold shoulder.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8689748
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I'll take Things Narcissists Do for $1000, Alex.


This^^^^

It used to completely baffle me how my Ex would seem like such a "good guy" to other people and it took me years to admit that he wasn't to me. He bent over backwards to "help" the OW in the aftermath of their A, and in the end that cost him his marriage and pretty much our children. The person that we see is the real them. Everything else is really a pretense.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3340   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8689790
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 7:02 PM on Sunday, September 26th, 2021

People like your WH and my XWW need to see the people they are knowingly betraying as "deserving" of betrayal.

It has nothing to do with how good, kind, generous, respectful, supportive, or attractive of a partner you are and have been to them.

So, they go through the mental acrobatics of devaluing and ultimately vilifying you in their mind so as to justify their behavior.

Keep in mind always that their betrayal and their behavior has nothing at all to do with you.

There is nothing you could have said or done to have prevented them from doing this.

It is purely something they ultimately rationalize in their mind.

Ow 1, he paraded around his family. So much so MIL told me, "its a shame about ow1, she had such a great career" when she heard that she was on mental health leave. She told WH she was answering Ow1’s calls after he dumped her bc "that poor girl needs someone to talk to"

If my spouse’s family showed even the slightest support for the adultery partner then that would have triggered a certain divorce and the end of any and all communication with them - regardless of any ongoing attempt at reconciliation with the spouse.

No one should ever live with shit like that - ever.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1139   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8690329
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