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Wayward Side :
How do you pick an IC

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 3:37 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I have to find another IC, this is my third attempt.

What questions do I need to ask before making an appointment?

This last IC didn't fit because she uses ester perelle book for a guide. And that does not fit within my path to R.

One sunrise at a time

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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:21 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

My reco is to start with something you want to change about yourself and ask the candidate IC if they're able and willing to help you change.

Ask about the candidate IC's theoretical likes and dislikes.

Ask about how the candidate IC works - with or without structure.

Ask about how the candidate IC confronts.

Make your choice.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Have you looked into whether there are betrayal trauma specialists in your geographic area?

These practitioners are relatively new, and started as the burgeoning problem of sex addiction began impacting families. Yet one could argue the better part of their business is now occupied with infidelity, rather than sex addiction per se.

There has been a lot written about betrayal trauma specialists here on SI, including a long thread where they discuss the impact of betrayal trauma in a thorough podcast.

The advantage of seeking IC with a betrayal trauma specialist in my view is on several fronts:

1. They will hold a wayward spouse accountable, and typically will not enable blameshifting or rugsweeping.

2. They can help shepherd a thorough and transparent disclosure process. Making sure that trickle truth, lies of omission, shading of facts, withholding of key information, justification, and rewriting the history of the marriage come to a screeching halt.

3. They often work in tandem in a practice with one another -- meaning your betrayed spouse could see a separate IC in the same practice in the same office. And if the two of you consented, these two IC's could work somewhat in partnership with each other.

4. They truly understand the brain and physical trauma of infidelity, the long-term physical and brain harm and PTSD that being betrayed causes.


Lastly they will not rely on adultery apologists like Perel. Good on you for spotting her as the unhelpful sophist she is.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:37 PM, Tuesday, September 14th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 7:18 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

FWIW, and this is just my personal opinion, but I don't think you should be seeing an IC for the purposes of infidelity in-and-of itself. Infidelity was the RESULT of other things in your life that need to be looked at, recognized, and dealt with. What you need to be asking yourself (and finding answers to with the help of your IC) are things such as:

* Why didn't I respect myself enough to not be a cheater?
* What did I really hope to gain by doing something I knew was wrong?
* Why did I allow myself to lie, cheat, hide, gas-light another person?
* If that didn't make me feel badly about who I am at my core, why not?
* If I did feel badly, why did I do it then?
* Where else in my life have I lied and/or made bad choices? Are those things related?
* For example, do I have addictive tendencies? If so, would I hide a bottle perhaps, or lie about how much I've had?
* What about my own family history or trauma history? Am I repeating things that were done to me?
* And so on...

You can't really work on your relationship while you, yourself are still broken. If you don't understand what thoughts and factors in your life led to infidelity, then you remain an unsafe partner, because nothing has changed. Just saying, "I won't do that again" isn't much of a reassurance, and there is no way for us to make good on that promise without understanding, and controlling, what allowed us to "go there" in the first place. In the same way you can't get your dishes clean by washing them with a dirty rag, you can't fix your relationship while you are still vulnerable to cheating. Fix the cheating first, THEN fix the relationship.

Your IC's job is to focus on YOU and make sure that you have the personal tools you need to grow and heal from trauma, whether it us infidelity related or not. Your MC's job is to focus on the RELATIONSHIP and how to help two individuals to reconcile differences and grow a relationship. They will help you to attune to each other. While it helps a lot to have both of them "on the same page" so to speak, they really have different jobs, so don't conflate the two.

By the way, regarding MC's, I would personally suggest looking for someone that works with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). You can learn more about it from "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Regarding IC's, I personally found EMDR to be very helpful, and a someone with a holistic view of therapy in general.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 8:54 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

This last IC didn't fit because she uses ester perelle book for a guide

That's not really a good enough reason to stop IC. I can assure you that most therapists are far more knowledgeable about their field than anonymous internet forum posters regardless of poetical waxing abilities grin

And that does not fit within my path to R.

I think DaddyDom put it quite well; you go to individual therapy to figure out yourself not your marriage. Your marriage is currently broken. Your husband needs to attend to his own healing. And you both need space. Not separation mind you, space (if that means separation for you and him then go that way).

You need to be consistent with going to IC, I don't know often you've went to the previous three.. Don't look for someone just so you can hear what you think you should hear. Or what others tell you to hear.

You're going to have to go all in and work hard because figuring out better patterns is hard work grin

Good luck!

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 8:55 PM, Tuesday, September 14th]

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

I have contacted 9 offices today. I'm waiting on responses back.

I'm in a nosedive and I need help pulling up.

One sunrise at a time

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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 12:53 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Good job in avoiding the patron saint of deceit and betrayal.

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 6:13 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

So I have made an appointment with another IC. She utilities Gottman. She spoke with me for a long time and I asked a ton of questions. I still am scared to make a commitment. My BH says he wants me to be a bull dog and take charge make a choice for myself. But I feel I need to run things by him before I do make a choice.

I did make the appointment with this IC. I'm just terrified that if she isn't the right IC this will send my BH right into D.

One sunrise at a time

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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I still am scared to make a commitment.

This is a huge issue; not being all in. It really doesn't matter much whether your IC uses Perel or Gottman (again, real world IC is always always more correct for you than a bunch of anonymous posters on the internet). But you gotta stop looking for excuses to change your IC instead of yourself.

There's no perfect therapist out there. There's no perfect story of recovery or reconciliation. And no amount of waiting in the waiting place for a better chance will change that. Don't get stuck looking. Get stuck on doing.

But I feel I need to run things by him before I do make a choice.

You don't. Your husband is not a side in your healing. And you can't be a side in his until you commit to working on yourself and getting to a point where you understand who you want to be as a person and a partner (and mother if you have kids) and have developed the tools to bring yourself to that place. And it'll be rough.

I'm just terrified that if she isn't the right IC this will send my BH right into D.

Your choice of therapist isn't what's pushed or will push your husband to divorce you. Your affair is/was. There's nothing you can do to change your choices. You can only change yourself and hopefully, if your husband is willing to wait and heal himself (he suffered quite a trauma) then together you both will be able to rebuild a [hopefully] better relationship.

Don't expect a therapist to heal your marriage. It's not why you should seek one. Regardless of the outcome of your relationship you should want to be a better person because that's the right thing to do.

Breathe. An affair is not the end of the world. A divorce is not the end of the world. People heal. People thrive. You can too. It's a hard and shitty journey through the desert but it has to be crossed all the way.

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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Of all of the things I've read Gottman gets more of it right than anyone in same category. I would hope this new one will work.

Best of luck with your new IC.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 12:36 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

But you gotta stop looking for excuses to change your IC instead of yourself.

I made the choice to change this last one (the 2nd) because I can't cross boundaries, I'm working very hard at creating strong boundaries. The first one pretty much told me my H shouldn't be reacting the way he was. She wasn't properly trained in infidelity.

I'm not shopping for an IC to tell me what I want to hear but I'm in search of an IC to guide me to my path of healing and someone who will push me and challenged me when I need it.

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. And you are correct it isn't my choice of IC that will sendy BH to D, it was my choice to cheat and lie that had created this.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:39 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

One sunrise at a time

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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 10:05 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

I'm not shopping for an IC to tell me what I want to hear but I'm in search of an IC to guide me to my path of healing and someone who will push me and challenged me when I need it.

The problem is, and to paraphrase Mama Odie here; "you know what you want but you don't know what you need. And you gotta dig deeper". I don't think there's a need to find someone with an "infidelity background" because, in my opinion, your first priority isn't the way your infidelity affected your marriage (gravely wounded it by the way, but recoverable like most relationships) - it's to figure out tools for you to understand the delta between who you are now and who you want to be and to develop the tools to overcome that difference.

I'm working very hard at creating strong boundaries

I'm interested to know what you mean "strong boundaries" and how are you developing them?

My BH says he wants me to be a bull dog and take charge make a choice for myself.

It sounds to me like your husband wants to find a way for you two to stay together and heal. Part of figuring out a way out (whether staying in the marriage or divorcing) is the ability to let go of the relationship you had. I don't mean it to say, give up, just to let go of trying to control the outcome. My therapist told me, numerous times, build where and what you can and stop trying to control the outcome. It was hard to understand and hard to implement. And I'm pretty sure very few people on this board would think highly of him laugh

And even with all the strong boundaries in the world. It's going to take time for you to change. It's going to take time for your husband to accept those changes. And you both are going to have setbacks on the way. Two steps forward, sometimes one or two steps back...

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 10:06 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 5:55 AM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

The first one pretty much told me my H shouldn't be reacting the way he was. She wasn't properly trained in infidelity.

I'm betting that she was trained just fine. Honestly, I think you're going to have a hard time finding any licensed therapist who will agree with how your husband treats you. Your best bet is to get in with someone who will help you stand up for yourself and get strong.

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 8:55 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

And even with all the strong boundaries in the world. It's going to take time for you to change. It's going to take time for your husband to accept those changes. And you both are going to have setbacks on the way. Two steps forward, sometimes one or two steps back...

Yes, it will take time and dedication to change. I'm committed to making the life changes that are needed.

One sunrise at a time

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 15yrsinthemaking (original poster member #75828) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Your best bet is to get in with someone who will help you stand up for yourself and get strong.

I found someone I really like, she challenges me and isn't telling what I want to hear. No BS excuses coming from this IC.

One sunrise at a time

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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

Yes, it will take time and dedication to change. I'm committed to making the life changes that are needed.

That's awesome. I really wish you luck. It's a tough shitty journey but rewarding coming out the other side with the tools to be a better person. I hope your relationship builds into something new and strong!

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