Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Probably not a unique story, but it's Mine

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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:10 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

You have been incredibly patient dealing with your WW’s infidelity and separation for 33 months. None of us know the nuances of your relationship built up over forty two years.

After your last conversation with your WW some things stuck out. Your WW comes across as very prideful and deeply embedded in the correctness of her resentments as justifications for her actions. There is also a huge difference between saying “I don’t want to divorce” and saying “I want to be married to you.” Unless your WW can move past her defensiveness and face how she has hurt you, and unless you feel that she wants to be married to you and is willing to do what you need, just getting together for two weeks, two months, or two years will not lead to the M you want. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:11 AM, October 4th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8691545
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leftbroken ( member #53741) posted at 4:14 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

Maybe this is my bitterness seeping out but I can't get over the level of selfishness here in what her expectations are.

Essentially she expects you to be reserved for her in case she eventually decides she wants you but in the mean time she expects you to basically put your life on hold and not give you the ability to move on, not for a couple months but for years. The level of entitlement displayed here is staggering.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 4:15 PM, Monday, October 4th]

our lives are a novel and we its authors, if you don't like the plot only you can change it.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2016   ·   location: Calgary, AB
id 8691556
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Sadwife53 ( member #61415) posted at 2:20 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Hi NSNN

I’m also a physician who married young with 4 adult children who thought I had the formula to a great life figured out. Work hard, be honest and faithful and try to always do the right thing. In medicine, we see unexpected suffering visit the undeserving everyday. We know it happens but it’s impossible to imagine that it would descend upon us at the hand of someone we trusted with all our hearts. Intimate betrayal results in deep emotional trauma, inescapable due to primitive parts of our brains that evolution supplied us with. Pair bonding helps us survive and gives our offspring the best chance at survival, so it’s built into our DNA to perceive disruption of the pair bond as a threat to our survival, even though our higher functioning brain reasons that it is not. The wound heals, but it takes a long time and a lot of effort, even with a remorseful spouse who is honest, supportive, transparent and willing to do the work of becoming a better person. I told my WH that I deserve an honest man who loves only me. It was up to him to decide if he wanted to do the work to be that man.

Wife moved out January 2019, saying she needed time and space to recover from burnout due to expending so much energy on our adult son

My WH gave me the excuse that he resented me because he blamed me for our son’s addiction. He also insisted for a long time after discovery that he was unhappy in our marriage for a long time prior. He now understands and admits that these were excuses which he sincerely believed at the time but were fabricated in his mind so he could still see himself as a decent person while doing a horrible thing to someone he promised to protect.

Wife has also been very adamant in feeling that she does not want to come across as the "Bad Guy" in our marital troubles.


She lied and cheated. She is the bad guy.
For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce.

The details of how we got to this point are very complex

The details to all marriages are complex. Bad marriages cause divorce. Bad people cause infidelity. I hope she turns around, but even if she does, that’s just the start of a whole new battle to forgive. I wish you the best.

Me: 54
WH: 57
married 31 years, 4 adult children
dday: 10/5/17 EA and PA with a 30yo
Struggling at R

posts: 91   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Western PA
id 8692441
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 Notsonaivenow (original poster new member #79390) posted at 11:18 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I am very appreciative of all the comments, which are supportive and very insightful.
A few points particularly resonate, including the supposition made by Fareast that my WW is prideful and using resentment to justify her actions. She continues to equate her infidelity with my "abandonment" of her by not stepping into the role she expected of me with our son, and for putting my career ahead of her. This rationalization infuriates me, and as long as it continues, there is no possibility of R.

Also, the point made by Bigger and others, that parenting issues need to be separated from relationship issues, is one that WW refuses to do. This is another hard stop for me.

And thanks to Sadwife53 for restating the critical mantra in a simple, direct way:
"For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."

I am proceeding down the path to D with caution and eyes wide open.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8693517
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 11:47 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I am proceeding down the path to D with caution and eyes wide open.

Excellent choice. You have zero to work with here.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8693528
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Beentheredonethat1 ( new member #79485) posted at 3:14 AM on Saturday, October 16th, 2021

When she said that you agreed to not see a lawyer without letting her know, you should have came right back with you said 42 years ago that you would not see other men also. So which would you say was the bigger problem here?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2021   ·   location: Florida
id 8693558
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