Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Probably not a unique story, but it's Mine

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Michigan ( member #58005) posted at 6:53 PM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Of course she doesn't, because she has the best of all worlds presently. She can still carry on the facade to family and friends without facing her own shame. And, since I have been patient for this long, I don't think she believes I would take the next step.

Notsonaivenow

This has been it all along. Why would she change anything when she had everything she wanted? Be ready for her to change on a dime when you file because for the first time you will be endangering what she values.

She cares about her reputation and social standing. Even after everything comes out she will want to be friends with you. You are like the only priest that can absolve her of her sins. "If your dad forgave me why can’t you?" She will want everyone to see you as friends.

I know of a case where a married couple in a small town had a son that played football. The wife had an affair, got a divorce, married her AP and soon had a baby with him. Both she and her ex went to their son’s football games. She wanted her ex to sit in the stands with her and her new family.

She was very upset when he refused. She wanted the town to see that there were no hard feelings. They were all one happy family now so what she did must not have been so bad.

P.S. My wife and I are both physicians and our daughter is a surgeon. It takes a special person to become a surgeon because of all the work involved. If you marry one you should know that it’s a package deal with how hard they work. The family gets a rich lifestyle but everyone in the family pays a price for it.

I had a medical student tell me that when he told his physician father that he wanted to be a surgeon, his father replied: "Why the f@ck would you want to do that?"

The surgeon will be at work much more than most people.

[This message edited by Michigan at 5:05 AM, Monday, September 20th]

posts: 580   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8689269
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 Notsonaivenow (original poster new member #79390) posted at 1:32 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Thanks, Michigan, I think you are right, and I am already seeing signs of what you told me to expect.
I met with a lawyer and I would prefer to go through mediation for our divorce, rather than litigation. I found out that this will involve us getting together with the mediator and agreeing to the terms of the divorce, splitting of assets, etc. before filing. Then the court process should be streamlined, and the whole ordeal hopefully less acrimonious.

Well, guess what? When I told STBXW, she said that she does not agree to divorce and will not go through mediation. I know through informed comments from you and others that her response is not unusual at all, and I was prepared for it.
I gave her a couple of days to reconsider, but told her that if she does not agree to mediation then I will go ahead and serve her the papers.

I wasn't ready in the past to move forward, but I certainly am now. Thanks in large part to finding this forum for the collective wisdom and experience of you all, which has helped me to see my reality and understand WW's behaviors better. I have not closed the door to R, but her actions (not words) will be the proof that it is feasible.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8689473
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 1:47 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Congratulations, NSNN

You've taken a HUGE step towards taking back control and starting that healing process! Good luck to you!

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8689475
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Bigger: I beg to differ. If it takes hate to get you out of an abusive situation, grab onto it. No one says you must hate forever. But it is a natural impulse. A person doesn't need to feel guilt if the hate is warranted. To hold on to hate forever is not a preferred state of mind. But if the OP needs hate to get him out of this relationship, good. He will reach a state of indifference once he gets clear of this abusive woman.

posts: 430   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8689478
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 2:10 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

It’s all about her.

Her privacy while she has affairs. Her not looking bad. Her decision not to divorce.

To Reconcile, you need someone with empathy and she has none.

You are taking the right decision.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1440   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8689481
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 2:14 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Did you tell WW that she need to take more responsibility for the son? How did she act during the separation? Did she always ask about how you are doing and show emotional connection? If it is not the case and if she really does not like D, she will grudgingly agree to R without any emotional connection. Do you want to live like that?
If she is preparing for D against her wishes, out of anger she may be looking for all possible ways of screwing you in the divorce. And you should not be laying back until you hear from her and should prepare for the worst whether it materialize or not.

posts: 777   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8689482
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 3:21 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Someone may remember this story and is similar to OP situation.

A BH noticed a mark on his WW neck when they were changing in the walk-in closet. Without hesitation, the WW explained it away that it was from the BH. He knew something wasn't right but had no proof. He was depressed but couldn't get answers and didn't want to rock the boat. He even tried to stage his accidental death as it is easy to stage since he was a outdoorsman. His doctor noticed his odd behavior, intervened and luckily no accentual death took place. BH decided he would move on even though in his heart he knew his WW cheated.

Many years later, he somehow wanted to know the truth and sat his WW down. He wanted to use this opportunity for his WW to come clean. His WW instead went off screaming at him, cuss at him and said how dare him accusing her of cheating. BH was very surprised of her reaction and didn't recognized the woman he married. He went to his cabin to clear his head for a few weeks contemplating his next steps. Heard nothing from his WW during those week. He realized he didn't want to remain in the marriage. He contacted his lawyers and serve her divorce papers. This is when the calls came fast and furious. She started to open up a bit about inappropriate relationship and at the end admit to the affairs not only to the BH but to their children. I hope I paraphrase the story correctly. BTW, the OP/BH in this story was also a doctor. There were a few retirements in their practice and he and the another partner had to step up to fill the void. This is when his WW started the affair and also use this as the excuse/explanation as to why she had the affair.

OP - I guess my point is similar to others who had posted. There is no reason for your WW to change if you continue to allow her cake eating ways.

Best of luck.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8689484
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 3:54 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

You can file divorce then switch to mediation. You are only married on paper.

making it through

posts: 1260   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8689485
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

With all respect to you and zero to your whacked out soon to be x

Is she completely delusional or so wrapped up in her own ego that she can’t see the ludicrous position you are both in? Does she know that you know she has been doing more guys in three years than most women do in 30? Does she expect you to keep little willie in a cage in perpetuity? What exactly does she have as leverage to prevent a divorce? Making things messy? All a judge needs to know is that she left you three years ago and has behaving like a completely single person for that time.

What does she hope to gain by fighting you? Make you desire her more?

Your first move should be to go totally dark. No more long talks. I don’t know what your business is, but offer to sell out to her if you can. If not, close the shop. At your age, you should be reaping the benefits of your career. You should be enjoying retirement with a happy partner. Not cringing around a hateful cheating harpy.

You recognize that you are not a prisoner and you have reattached your balls. Now get angry and shut her used ass out of your life. You will find joy. Do not doubt this.

Ps. I cannot believe that she is blaming you for her bad behavior. If she has no feelings for you, she should be happy to divorce. What is she expecting you to do? Kiss her used ass until she finally gets through every guy she happens to meet? Then she regains her love and desire for your company? This is hateful and hurtful to you. Again, no more discussions about her feelings. She is acting like she hates you and enjoys using you. Enough!

The book is closed. Drop her like a bad habit. That is all she is. Absolutely nothing more.

posts: 1067   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8689486
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:59 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Excellent, you're now taking decisive action to get out of infidelity, now prepare for WAR, carry a VAR at all times to protect yourself against possible false DV charges just in case, don't forget to get tested for STDs/STIs.

posts: 2439   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8689487
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 Notsonaivenow (original poster new member #79390) posted at 11:05 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Buster, sorry for my ignorance, since I am new to this site, but what do the abbreviations VAR and DV mean?

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8689504
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:46 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Voice activated recorder and domestic violence charges

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8689506
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Waggingthedog ( member #65793) posted at 1:16 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Dear Nosonaivenow,

I am a lawyer by training, and the analytics I use might be of some use to you here.

Generally, when sitting down with a new client, I listen to their words closely. As a case progresses, I watch their actions.

It’s not a "rule" so to say, but I often act in accordance with the following:

People’s words will tell you how they WANT to be seen by others.

People’s actions will tell you what they truly DESIRE.

If I can restate your story simply, then it would boil down to this. You are a medical professional that worked extremely hard to provide a nice life for your family. Your wife took on the larger portion of raising the children who had special needs. You’ve been married more than four decades. The children are now adults. You went into business, presumably a successful one, with your spouse. I assume that your spouse is not as integral or necessary to the functioning of the business and that your medical expertise is a driving factor in the business.

About two years ago, your wife wanted a separation. She has lived as a single person since this date – separately and having extramarital affairs. She is in her sixties, as are you. During this time, she has continually been involved in the day to day functioning of your business. You have told her repeatedly that you want the marriage to work and she rode the fence of indecision (not really, but that’s what she convinced you of for this time).

You have remained faithful these past two years while she has engaged in serial adultery.

Put aside her words. What do her actions say?

Were you poor, or a liability to the business, or she had sufficient funds to continue her lifestyle without you… would she still even be married to you? What if you were a detriment to her ability to earn rather than just a non-issue? Honestly, would she have divorced you?

What do her ACTIONS say?

I’d say they could be boiled down to something you said earlier, "I want to keep up a public façade of the good wife, I want to keep the money and ability to have my separate life, but I no longer care about you or want to be married."

Why?

From a cold hearted realist, I expect that she already has consulted with an attorney. This attorney has told her what she could expect to get in a divorce and what it would look like. She would lose the mantle of the good wife. She would lose certain financial security and social capital. This loss was unacceptable to her so she has fashioned a separate life from you while still retaining all the trappings of her former life.

Again, why stay married?

Because it benefits her. Could she be stockpiling cash or hiding assets? (I’ve seen it.). Could she be waiting on you to die so she gets everything free and clear? (I’ve seen it.). Could she be waiting out a settlement while using you as child care for years until that runs out? (I’ve seen it.).

That’s what her actions say. She doesn’t want to be with YOU, she wants the life your marriage has provided without YOU in it.

The price of doing this is stringing you along and marriage counseling where she snows the therapist. The therapist was trying to get at her feelings because her words and her actions to not align.

Her actions point to her being a cold-hearted realist, and her words factor into that because she needs you to be kept in this state to continue the life she’s leading.

That’s also what her ACTION of saying that she doesn’t want to mediate an amicable split says. She’s got her affairs and her separate life… what’s the point of staying married? The point would be money and saving face socially. And you’re allowing her to craft that narrative (not that it matters much in the grand scheme of things). You’ve stayed married for love, but you’re finding the love is gone, so there’s no point in staying married anymore.

That’s two people coming from two separate places, caring about two separate things. You want to think she thinks the same way as you to save the marriage, but she cares about something different than you do.

I think you see that from your posts.

I always point to this exercise if there’s any doubt. Say that you did the EXACT SAME THING… how would you feel about your spouse while doing it?

And… my God man… two years without someone that wants to be a special person in your life… holding out hope for her to come around… what about your needs? Are they being met? No. She expects you to put your needs on ice until she’s done meeting hers. That’s both unrealistic and cruel (although I doubt she’s thinking about it that way now).

A medical professional, even at your presumed age, could date other people. A loyal doctor who stays in shape? There will be women that want that (some for the right reasons, and many for the wrong ones). You’d have to jettison more than forty years of history, and that’s very difficult, but your situation is untenable.

Say you do file for divorce and start dating other people. What happens? Maybe she comes back? Why? I’d assume money and status. Do you want that type of relationship? I wouldn’t judge, because some people do, but I do believe that if you’ve stayed loyal all this time it’s for more than money and status.

Giving up a relationship as important as this one could be the most difficult thing you do. However, if you don’t at least attempt it, then she will continue to treat you the same way. Take your half (or more) of the assets. Be fair but be firm. Otherwise, she is going to continue to treat you as a bit character in her play. Demand the center stage or find another production.

Sorry you’re here. Get a good lawyer. Be fair, but firm. Then seek what you want from the golden years of your life, hard though that may be.

On a sidenote… say you do get divorced and she fixes herself. There’s nothing that says you can’t give it another go. If you did, and were sure it was out of love, then there’s no harm. That’s always possible. But, you also know that if she had her finances, then she likely wouldn’t come back. And, if that’s what would happen, would you really want a marriage held together by money and status? You’re worth more than that to other people.

posts: 68   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2018
id 8689512
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 1:22 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Notsonaivenow:

Unfortunately we have seen the scenario acted out too often, but as your WW becomes more unhinged and desperate to not be divorced or exposed for her infidelity, she will resort to trying to frame you with a false domestic violence charge, thereby smearing you and protecting her rear end. None of us know if your WW is capable of going to this extreme, but forewarned of the possibility is forearmed.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8689513
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Well, guess what? When I told STBXW, she said that she does not agree to divorce and will not go through mediation.

I’m in literal tears from laughter. I know someone who shares your wife’s bday and this sounds like her (she’s a good person though.)

IA with everything everyone’s said especially longsadstory and Waggingthedog. She probably has met with an attorney yrs ago and would’ve left if you were broke. File for D now. WW’s made her position clear, no point in waiting addt’l days, and it’s not time to exhibit weakness. If you haven't started the 180 already, time to implement immediately. Steer clear of her. NC unless absolutely necessary. Otherwise tell her she can communicate through your attorney. And exposure if not done already. Your WW will WITHOUT A DOUBT claim victimhood and you as the big bad wolf.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8689616
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 10:52 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Sorry man but you have a cake eater on your hands. You stop feeding her cake _ Beware!!! False domestic violence charges are a real thing!!!!

She has zero control over you filing for divorced.

Unlike a lot you’ve woken up quick.

Good luck l

[This message edited by Marz at 11:05 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8689631
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 Notsonaivenow (original poster new member #79390) posted at 3:27 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Again, thanks for the supportive comments and cautionary warnings.
I really do not believe that DV charges would ever be raised, but God knows, stranger things can happen in times of desperation. I will be very careful.

Since human behavior tends to be predictable and repeatable, the experiences you all have shared have made me much more prepared for the backlash that may be coming. I have viewed our relationship through the lens of how I knew both my wife and our marriage. Both are gone, likely forever, and I am learning to see things as they are now rather than what I thought and hoped they were.

BTW, Aletheia, you said you have a friend with the same bday as my WW. Do you mean birthday? Am I taking you too literally, because I cannot fathom how you would know this? Or did I mention it in a previous post and have forgotten? I'm too lazy to go back and reread my other posts!

posts: 16   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2021
id 8689656
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 3:42 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Hahaha yes! I thought you said she just turned 62 on the 17th? I may have totally gotten that wrong though been having a lot of brain fog lately 🥴

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8689657
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 4:02 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

You are doing well. IMHO some of the most helpful insights here give you a look into a WS thought and behavior patterns that repeat over and over again. Some might apply to your situation and others not. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. I think when you realize that you are in control moving forward no matter what she does, it is empowering. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8689660
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 10:59 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

NSNN, The other reason for the VAR, which can just be an app on your phone, is encase she wants to talk about divorce things.
Then you have them recorded. She seems to be like most WS and has made so many lies to cover lies, she will lose reality in there somewhere.
As for her saying you worked too hard while she was a caregiver, yeah, that is the oldest line in the books. It is like the passion /spark just disappearing from the marriage. If she wanted help, you sound like you were well enough off where you could pain for additional help. She just wants to play Cinderella and this is now her ball. She has been rags to riches in her head.
Wait until you divorce her and she has to start trying to date these idiots seriously. I hate to be sexist, but older women tend to have it much harder than older men. I don't care what she looks like, she is going to be dating someone who won't sacrifice for her like you did and that is going to be a rude wake up call.
Just get out from your WW a little and start dating/meeting other people. She has ended the marriage. You just are making in official and telling people. Something she didn't have the good sense to do.

posts: 593   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8689918
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