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Divorce/Separation :
Is there help for serial infidelity? Asking for a friend...

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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 4:25 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

When I first found out that my husband was unfaithful again, oddly enough I thought of Sandra Bullock. I don't follow celebrities at all so I looked her up - until that moment I didn't know her unfaithful ex had a serial infidelity issue and went to a rehab in AZ. I know there is "sex addiction" and I don't think that's what my WH has, it's more of a White Knight Syndrome. Does anyone know if there is help for this kind of "addiction"? I don't think it will save our marriage at this point, but it would still be worth him knowing about, because he knows he has a problem and he's following every lead he's given so far. TIA!

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8688130
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 5:33 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

He needs to find a therapist who is knowledgeable about this. You should not be looking, he should.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2905   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8688131
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 12:47 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

In my opinion, no. I don't think there is help for it. The cheater will just get better at hiding it.

My stbx is also a serial cheater of the worst kind. In his deposition, when asked if he had cheated during our 2-year attempt at reconciliation, he answered, "I don't believe so."

Ummm...what? How could he not be sure? That was absolutely a yes for me. His answer meant that he had, but he wasn't sure if I had found out and had evidence.

I say get as far away from him as possible. And let him solve his own problems. As mentioned above, he needs to do the work, not you. This is not your problem. Do not waste one ounce of energy trying to help him fix himself. You have your own non-dysfunctional life to live.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:47 PM, Sunday, September 12th]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4360   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8688137
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homewrecked2011 ( Member #34678) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

This was a main reason I divorced my WS. He, too, is a serial cheater, and I wanted to see if he got help (and could be helped) because he wanted it for himself, not because he wanted the marriage to continue. He didn’t follow thru.

I also used Sandra Bullock as my guide. If you remember, she had no contact with him when she found out. In my opinion, this is the way to seriously get the attention of an addict (or serial cheater), to where they MIGHT get help, but also to begin your own healing.

FWIW, my boss at work is a serial cheater. It truly opened my eyes to the extent of how a person can operate in a different realm than a normal person. He was so distraught and lonely when his wife D him, that he wanted to kill himself. But, when he got remarried, he was all about cheating again. It’s almost like he needed a person to be there, and that’s when he was confident enough to cheat. duh

Be glad your WS has someone to keep him away from you. (Mine did, too). Some people on this site have a WS who relentlessly tries to come back and it’s just awful in them. Get a counselor (I went to the Domestic Violence Center, bc emotional abuse is DV) where I was believed when I told them the crazy I was experiencing.

I told my WS that he had more issues than I was qualified to help him with, and to get help.

I also got help, got my kids help and we made it thru.

(((Elbell)))

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5360   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8688149
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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 1:48 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Thank you all... seriously. Yes, he needs to get his own help. For the record, I'm getting TONS of help on my end. You're absolutely right that he can't want help for the sake of getting his foot back in my door, it has to be because he needs healing. That won't happen as long as I'm an enabler. Thank you for the story of the serial cheating boss... barf

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8688216
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