Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
When you don't remember how many years it's been anymore


 Montana12 (original poster Member #56778) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

It's been about 5 years; I honestly can't remember exactly.

We are still together. The intense pain has subsided. The anger is gone. I see light and happiness again. I suppose I am healed.

I don't slip into dark thoughts anymore. I feel some sadness, infrequently, for the things we lost but on the whole, my life is full and I am content.

I write this bc I want you to know that it is possible.

I remember scouring these boards for a glimpse of someone who made it through..gleaning their posts for hope, for inspiration on how to reconstruct.

I will say this - in the sudden absence of love, it's the thing we crave most. But that doesn't last forever. There comes a day when you can stand on your own two feet again and feel whole and worthwhile. And that does not come from your WS - actually, it needs to come from within. No person will ever complete you. We complete ourselves. Yes we love and there are many wonderful relationships that give back to us but I don't believe we should rely on what other people give us to feel good about ourselves or content with our lives.

The journey here was not easy - I went through all the emotions you read about. I wondered if I would ever feel joy again.

I understand no one is perfect. The loss of forever was extremely difficult for me to get over - for many years, I couldn't get past it. It was something that was lost in this relationship and so I thought it was fake; that it could not go on...that it was lacking something fundamental. And maybe some cannot let that go. I suppose what it comes down to is choice. No one is right or wrong in their decisions. But these are mine and I hope it may help someone who feels like they are drowning in despair. I tell you it will not last forever. I know that seems impossible to grasp but time truly does heal. And things don't need to be perfect for healing to come.

My WS was not and is not "doing his best". But I let that go also. I accepted faults. I knew I had them too.

I do not regret initially staying for my children. Life has evened out. I love my husband well enough. But how can you live like that! people will exclaim. I've discovered that I can and that it's alright. Life is so imperfect. And so short. You will not always ache. There is wonder and beauty yet left for you.

BS - me 34
WS - him 36
DDay June 2016

posts: 117   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017
id 8688118

Ladybugmaam ( Member #69881) posted at 4:52 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Thank you for posting this. I am in the dark place where I feel like I have to give up in some way. Give up the anxiety that doesn't/didn't keep me safe. Give up on the idea that this couldn't happen to us. Give up on the idea that he's all in - because I won't truly ever be certain of that again other than if I his actions, which I can't fully trust right now. Most days, I can find beauty and peace and happiness. But, when I don' is a dark, dark space.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 169   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8688160

Notaboringwife ( Member #74302) posted at 5:40 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Oh I needed to read this today!

Thank you for sharing, your insights lifted my spirits.

I threw out, deleted all the affair proofs I had kept. Some I cannot remove, like in old backups on the computer. I know that over time those backups will be rewritten over. For me, this was a healing.

My husband is going to deregister and dump his "affair" car this week. Ok so it took him two years to make that decision. But he's doing it and that's allright with me.

Healing, accepting, healing, accepting...maybe for the rest of my life. And I'm Ok with that also. smile

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

posts: 211   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8688166

psychmom ( Member #47498) posted at 2:47 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Montana, you’re young. I came here today to check how many years ago my DDay1 was. The anniversary of that awful, horrific day is today or tomorrow, or sometime around now. Like you, I’m not entirely sure anymore unless I look at my timeline/signature.

I get just being in a place that is so much better than the utter destruction most of us felt in those early years. I’m there with you. It is possible, dear readers, to survive this and stay in the M that was shattered by infidelity. But it is hard. Very hard. Hard to view the once wayward spouse through the unvarnished lens of “ basically good people”. We know different now. We know what they are capable of.

My H has not been unfaithful since I discovered, as far as I know. And like yours, he’s done some work, but he’s not perfect or even close to being g a “model” post-affairs spouse. Some if the personality issues that have been there from the very start are much more obvious now. Many are unpleasant. But overall, life is basically good.

I hope you find continued growth and love of yourself. Something that takes you up a few notches from “ meh” to “alright now! That’s what I was going for!!” Some days it does feel like a big compromise to stay with the cheater, even when they are checking off most of the boxes. For me, it seems like the flaws that I overlooked in his character early in our M are now blaring lay obvious and hard to ignore.

What we need to ask and answer to ourself is, is this enough? Is this a life I can continue living, maybe i definitely? Am I satisfied with this person as they are, not the version I imagined him to be? Reality is a real bitch sometimes.

I wish you the best, and congratulate you on making it 5 years out. It takes a lot of courage and energy to get to where you are. I hope you find what you’re still searching for.

BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD
DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrs
DDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14
DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2015   ·   location: A state of unrest
id 8688223

slamsunk ( New Member #79303) posted at 10:14 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Montana12 thank you so much for sharing this. I am early on in this mess. Probably full of hopium, as I have seen it called. Most days are incredibly dark with a few moments of feeling alive in between. But I do see my WH trying. Time will tell. Your type of story is nice to read.

BS- me 44 WH- him 47
2 year Long distance EA (with nude video chatting)4/2021- suspicious texts- investigated/watched 5/16/2021- Dday of sorts- I already knew but confronted this day
TT through 8/2021

posts: 17   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021
id 8688239

thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 2:47 AM on Tuesday, September 14th, 2021

Loved the post, but it seemed melancholy to me and I got sad. Almost like a survival type life. I hope the very, very best for you.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688379
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