It's been about 5 years; I honestly can't remember exactly.
We are still together. The intense pain has subsided. The anger is gone. I see light and happiness again. I suppose I am healed.
I don't slip into dark thoughts anymore. I feel some sadness, infrequently, for the things we lost but on the whole, my life is full and I am content.
I write this bc I want you to know that it is possible.
I remember scouring these boards for a glimpse of someone who made it through..gleaning their posts for hope, for inspiration on how to reconstruct.
I will say this - in the sudden absence of love, it's the thing we crave most. But that doesn't last forever. There comes a day when you can stand on your own two feet again and feel whole and worthwhile. And that does not come from your WS - actually, it needs to come from within. No person will ever complete you. We complete ourselves. Yes we love and there are many wonderful relationships that give back to us but I don't believe we should rely on what other people give us to feel good about ourselves or content with our lives.
The journey here was not easy - I went through all the emotions you read about. I wondered if I would ever feel joy again.
I understand no one is perfect. The loss of forever was extremely difficult for me to get over - for many years, I couldn't get past it. It was something that was lost in this relationship and so I thought it was fake; that it could not go on...that it was lacking something fundamental. And maybe some cannot let that go. I suppose what it comes down to is choice. No one is right or wrong in their decisions. But these are mine and I hope it may help someone who feels like they are drowning in despair. I tell you it will not last forever. I know that seems impossible to grasp but time truly does heal. And things don't need to be perfect for healing to come.
My WS was not and is not "doing his best". But I let that go also. I accepted faults. I knew I had them too.
I do not regret initially staying for my children. Life has evened out. I love my husband well enough. But how can you live like that! people will exclaim. I've discovered that I can and that it's alright. Life is so imperfect. And so short. You will not always ache. There is wonder and beauty yet left for you.