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Polygraph Test

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 Kay73 (original poster New Member #79156) posted at 5:14 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Has anyone here ever had their spouse they suspect of cheating take a lie detector test? No matter what my husband cannot explain his strange behavior over the years and I continue to think he has cheated. Of course he claims he has not but I dont know many people that do admit to cheating. Over the years some of the strange things have been:

Locking his cell phone and not giving me the password. It is now unlocked cause we have argued so much about this
Call from unknown number to his cell quite often. This is a work phone so I also cannot see phone records
Going through what I think was a mid life crisis. He was very critical with everything about me especially my weight
After a bad argument a few years ago I told him I know he has cheated and he said it wasnt the first time. He later claimed he just said this because he was mad
Always had his phone with him all the time. Still does but its not as bad as it was. I still feel that if mine is charging and I need to borrow his he is uncomfortable

We have argued about a lot of these issues for a long long time. I have asked him numerous times why he began locking his phone and all he can come up with is he doesnt know. This then makes me even more angry as of course he knows.

The reality is that I believe he has cheated. I dont think it is still going on but who knows. For some reason I cannot get past the idea that he has been lying to me all these years. We could go to counselling but I dont even think he would admit whatever was going on even then. My only option to resolve this ongoing issue is a polygraph test. He says he will do it cause he has nothing to hide but we discuss it and months go by and nothing is scheduled. Has anyones spouse agreed to take a test? and please share what happened.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2021
id 8687656
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Numis67 ( Member #57209) posted at 5:51 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Kay73,

First, sorry you are having doubts about your spouse. One thing I've learned is trust your gut.

My XWW trickle-truthed exhaustively. After DD2, I wasn't in the mood for more TT. I advised her I had arranged a polygraph for a particular date (her next day off from work), which was two days away. I also explained I had 50 questions compiled and would be given to the tester prior to the test. She immediately asked, "What kind of questions?" I told her I would not reveal them ahead of time so the test would be more accurate. The truth is I had made no such test arrangement nor wrote up 50 questions. I simply wanted her reaction, and I got it.

While she said she would take the test, I could see the anxiety in her face. Within 15 minutes she was spilling her guts. She never knew I was bluffing at that moment. Had I not received her confession I was prepared to make those arrangements (as a retired LEO, I had polygrapher friends who would've hooked me up in a heartbeat.

Good luck in seeking the truth!

Numis did everything wrong after DD1;this accounts for DD2. Don't be like Numis.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Missouri
id 8687662
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:00 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Many, many years ago I had my ex-wife take a polygraph test. She had just confessed to an affair with her boss and I suspected she had sex with her prior boss. She passed the test. She had an EA with her prior boss, but I doubt that it was receprical. She had a major crush but her feelings were not validated by that boss. I am pretty sure the test was accurate. I don't think she would have taken it if she was lying to me.

She subsequently had another affair a number of years later. I immediately divorced her.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8687666
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 11:58 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

He says he will do it cause he has nothing to hide but we discuss it and months go by and nothing is scheduled.

Kay, the million dollar question:

If your husband was to pass a polygraph, would your mind be at rest, and comfortably believe that he has not cheated in the past, and is being honest with you?

If the answer is no, then a strongly recommend NOT taking the test. The polygraph, in my opinion, should be a tool used to help build trust---for example, he admitted to an affair, and answered all your questions. He could then take the poly afterwards to prove that he was honest with his answers. That is using the test for rebuilding purposes. Right now, you have some behaviors that are typical during an affair, but are also typical in a long-term marriage.

I would exhaust all other methods first in an attempt to uncover an affair.

--Would he have used a laptop for any misbehaviors? Maybe an unknown email?
--Would you consider a private investigator?
--Any bank records that may have shown patterns that can't be explained?

If you stick around here, and make a certain number of posts, you should be allowed access to a forum here called Investigative Tips. These type of topics may be right up your alley.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3816   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8687676
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:34 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I doubt many posters have witnessed or used as many polygraph tests as I have. Although not more than a few dozen then they were sometimes used as part of investigations when I was in law enforcement. In those cases the person volunteered (or was offered) to take the test, generally to eliminate suspects that ticked many boxes in a case, but not enough to have hard evidence. They were never taken as Holy Truths, but they could help us focus to the correct direction.
For example: There was an arsonist on the loose in my city. When we got notifications of a fire all cops converged to the area and started taking down vehicle numbers, asking for id, photos… If the fire was attributed to the arsonist we would comb all the data looking for hits: Same vehicle or person at 2+ sites and such. We might end up with 10-50 people that were suspect. Not suspects – but suspect. We would use a combination of phone-calls, visits, or interviews to eliminate from that list. Sometimes the person couldn’t offer a believable reason or alibi and then a poly could be a quick and easy way to tip things in his/her favor.
When we eventually did catch the arsonist we didn’t offer him a poly. The reason mainly being we had enough evidence so we didn’t need it and didn’t want to risk it. Contrary to common belief polys are admissible in court in some states/countries but only if both parties agree. Since we had hard evidence then why risk it with a poly? Especially considering all doubt is generally to the charged person’s advantage. Same with him: If our evidence had been so weak that we had requested he take a poly he would refuse. Why risk it if we didn’t have better evidence.

I totally agree with jb3199

The poly needs to serve a defined purpose. That purpose is generally to give you a sense that your husband is being truthful or that he isn’t. That result should lead you along a path that you have decided and determined before the polygraph. Of course different paths based on the result.

What you don’t want is to think he’s lying and think he’s hiding something only for him to fail a poly – confirming your doubts. Then getting some added info requiring a new poly to establish if he’s being truthful then. Equally bad is him passing and you doubting the outcome.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8687684
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AnnieOakley ( Member #13332) posted at 5:22 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

You have posted about two texts that make absolutely no sense or at least unlikely.

Have you considered the VAR? Would you have access to his work vehicle to retrieve it? I venture a guess you would have your answer in a few days. APs, don’t normally go days without communicating. If nothing else you might hear the text notifications and be able to check his phone log to confirm that he definitely is deleting something for a reason.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1680   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: NoCal
id 8687726
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TruthIsPower ( Member #75776) posted at 7:30 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Kay73, Yes, I did, but not poly. I have my own means to check for truth though, works like a clock. Still, TT, gaslighting, etc... for approx 2 years. Protected himself till the end. laugh

Well, one evening he comes home from work, oh, it was Friday , the dinner is ready, I meet him at the door in great mood, smiling. Then when we sat down to eat, I ask him calmly to give me his phone (work phone)! duh Look on his face was priceless! blush

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 7:48 PM, Thursday, September 9th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 95   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8687752
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director106 ( New Member #75263) posted at 7:38 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I know many trust but I know people that passed and later admitted they lied. My husband passed yet agreed he lied on the test questions due to nervousness. I firmly believe medical conditions influence the results although "experts" deny that. If he fails he will still deny. If he passes you will still wonder. I hope you find peace.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2020
id 8687755
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I would like to add that the results of the polygraph was used against me by our MC. She basically guilted me into taking my then WW back since she passed the test. I was still sorting out my feelings and was on the fence whether to divorce or not due to her admitted PA. I was weak and allowed the "expertise" of a professional to blind me. We subsequently stayed together. She continued to be horrible and I was miserable. She subsequently had another affair and that was, thankfully, the end of the marriage.

I don't know your story, but it is difficult to gather evidence if a partner is having an affair. It is time consuming, demeaning and an insult that a partner's behavior led to the need to play detective. No games. Drop the bomb and be done with the person. The fact that any married person would be put in such a position is disgusting. If his behavior is extremely fishy, put the burden on him to prove he hasn't been screwing someone else. I don't know your particular situation, but I would dump/divorce a subsequent partner if her behavior had been sufficiently suspicious. I will not put up with any bull crap. No second chance. I refuse to play detective.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8687769
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FlowerPower ( Member #52231) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Kay, Can you receive a private message or are you too new of a member? Maybe a guide or moderator can help both of us figure out how to get in touch.

I want to send you a copy of a poly report and my experience. Mods? Guides? Suggestions?

posts: 85   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2016
id 8687787
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 Kay73 (original poster New Member #79156) posted at 5:33 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Do you have to be a member for a certain amount of time before you can send private messages. It looks like a member FlowerPower would like to give me some information.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2021
id 8688035
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AnnieOakley ( Member #13332) posted at 6:33 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

No. The "double thought bubbles" icon allow you to send private messages.

I clicked on it and it seemed like I could send one to you with no problem. It is right next to the house icon. 👉🏻👉🏻👉🏻👉🏻

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 6:36 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1680   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: NoCal
id 8688039
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:15 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

Equally bad is him passing and you doubting the outcome.

I experienced this. My wife passed her test but she had been such a shit prior to this that my trust was damaged pretty badly. It's hard to get trust back, to believe the results weren't a fuck up.

One thing the test did in our marriage, I think it snapped us both out of the fogs we were in. Her acting like a binge-drinking slut, and me being a lame ass about it. We realized things were serious, we got busy improving our marriage after the test. Obviously your mileage may vary.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 7:16 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8688040
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:16 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

You don’t need a polygraph. You know he’s been lying and cheating.

Start focusing on you. Not your marriage. Not your H. Not the proof. Not the disrespect he shows you.

Start emotionally detaching. Start living a life that doesn’t include him. Because he has been living a life that certainly doesn’t value you or monogamy or anyone else.

He’s a fraud through and through.

My personal opinion is that if I needed a polygraph the marriage is really over. Trust is irreparable at that point. Time to move on IMO.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688046
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HUM1021 ( Member #6222) posted at 10:05 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I do not trust polygraphs by random polygraph givers. I do think that there are a handful of experts who can actually use the equipment and achieve a rational _probability_. I would not rely on even them to give me the truth on adultery. I'd rely on them to give me a lead in a criminal investigation, or rule out or in a suspect, but I would not use one to tell me _the truth_ about anything.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 812   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8688190
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 11:56 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

If you could ever access his phone, you could place a key logger on it and then be able to see every key stroke he makes.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4441   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688206
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 Kay73 (original poster New Member #79156) posted at 7:12 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Do most cheaters agree to take the test or hope they can pass by some miracle. When we have an argument about my past suspicions I always tell him to take a test and he says no problem but when the argument passes he does nothing to resolve this issue.

If it was the other way around and I was being accused of something I know I did not do I would want to take the test to prove that Im not lying. I would want to take a test. We have been going through this issue for a few years once an argument blows over nothing gets booked.

I personally think it would be a good idea as it could put my suspicions to rest and we could stop arguing about the same issue over and over without any resolution.

From your experience do you think he is avoiding booking a test cause he knows he cant pass? This is what I think but maybe Im wrong.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2021
id 8688571
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:21 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Here is what I think.

I don’t know your H but my view is that he has more than one incident of shady behavior. His "shady" behavior has broken your trust a d ruined your marriage.

He can deny this forever — avoiding the polygraph test leaves you in limbo with no proof. And he’s counting on that scenario continuing.

He sounds smug.

He continues to disrespect you. That much is obvious.

And a polygraph will NOT put this issue to rest. If he passes it you will still have doubts. If he fails he will not magically decide to come clean and admit anything.

As I said in my prior post — in my opinion if you need a polygraph test to restore your trust then your marriage is over. If the "suspected cheating" spouse is not doing anything to restore trust or is even a tiny bit remorseful then you have nothing to work with here.

He may continue to cheat but cover his tracks better so you are none the wiser.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8688581
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