Newest Member: faithfulMan911

New Beginnings :
Think the cut and run is to avoid someone really getting to know me and telling me I'm not good enough? Can anyone relate?

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 BobPar (original poster Member #62993) posted at 10:42 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

I'm at the spot where I overthink things.
I've been with someone a few months. Should I have a better handle on how I feel about this person? She is sweet, kind, pretty, good personality and character. I feel like I don't know how to do this relationship thing, like it is an out of body experience that I am observing. I wonder if I'm at the point where I could really be known and I could be told I'm not good enough, so I'm uncomfortable.

I have a lot of stress going on right now too, one of which is my divorce court date coming up in a couple of weeks. This court appearance may or may not solve some or all of the issues. It is possible another date may be needed.

What are the steps in relationship? The landmarks that you can establish that you see yourself with a person. I don't know that I can define how the relationship feels besides that it works and I keep waiting for it not to work.

Can anyone relate to any of that?

posts: 538   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2016   ·   location: MI
id 8687486
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

What are the steps in relationship? The landmarks that you can establish that you see yourself with a person. I don't know that I can define how the relationship feels besides that it works and I keep waiting for it not to work.

Honestly to me it sounds like you just aren't far enough along in your healing yet to be dating anyone. Healing takes as long as it takes and you owe it to yourself to make sure you take the time to do that.

Just for reference, I am rolling up on 2 years since my D was final and I'm still not ready to date anyone and won't do so until I feel like the time is right.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8687488
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WhoTheBleep ( Member #49504) posted at 2:33 AM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

I've been separated for 4 years, dated a bit, and had one relationship. I'm now completely single, thank goodness, because I too have a major court date in a couple of weeks. I am completely focused on that, and my children, and work. It's heavy stuff, and there is no way in hell I could balance a relationship on top of all that.

I realize you are a few months into your relationship, but I agree, I think you have some unresolved issues/feelings with your marriage, and perhaps it's best not to be dating right now. Couple that with your upcoming court date...it's a lot.

Any chance you may be comfortable taking a break from this woman for a bit? What does the thought of that feel like? If you feel relief, that might be your gut telling you something.

I dated someone earlier this year for about three and a half months. When we broke up, I was sad for about a day and a half. By day three I was so relieved I felt like I was getting more oxygen when I breathed. I suspect, because of that, it's going to be a long time before I even want to date again. And that's okay. We are all whole people without partners, including you, BobPar.

I hope your court date goes well and things are resolved to your satisfaction. Almost there!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4355   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8687519
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EvenKeel ( Member #24210) posted at 2:17 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Sounds like you might be at risk for self-sabatoging this relationship.

In the back of your mind, you are already planning for it not working out (ie thinking they might tell you that you are not good enough, etc.). This is you already building up protection for your heart, emotions.

I would think your self-doubt is coming through (unintentionally).

The first 6 months - a year is when you should be in your "Ohhhh - this is great" time of dating. It is when everyone should be on their best behavior. You are just learning about each other, enjoying your time, etc.

My advice is just to be honest with your NB (yourself and your partner). Take your time. Do the work on you so you can be the best you in a NB.

posts: 6666   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8687555
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 BobPar (original poster Member #62993) posted at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, September 8th, 2021

Honestly to me it sounds like you just aren't far enough along in your healing yet to be dating anyone

I think you have some unresolved issues/feelings with your marriage, and perhaps it's best not to be dating right now.

Any chance you may be comfortable taking a break from this woman for a bit? What does the thought of that feel like? If you feel relief, that might be your gut telling you something.

Sounds like you might be at risk for self-sabatoging this relationship.

My advice is just to be honest with your NB (yourself and your partner). Take your time

.

Thanks EllieKMAS, Bleep and EvenKeel.

I'm pulling back a bit and "SO" gives me space as needed. She is pretty easy going and I look at her qualities and don't see any red flags at this point. So my pulling back could be self-sabotage. I feel like I'm trying to learn something different than the old dysfunctional dance that I seem comfortable with to an extent as well.

I am stressed. I have a company sales and buyout that was forced on me by partners and not in a nice way (the negotiated settlement has been temporarily blocked due my ex obtaining a court order because her lawyer isn't sure they couldn't get a better deal but it risks ending the existing agreement), I was given notice of termination with my rental home (I can't buy anything while I'm on the mortgage for the matrimonial home), and I have the court stuff coming up.

I'm not planning to make any decisions right at the moment. The rental relationship has be extended but the landlord was screwing around a bit. I could take a break or not but the relationship doesn't have my full attention and the fluttery feelings are being eclipsed. I'm trying to figure out what I need at the moment.

posts: 538   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2016   ·   location: MI
id 8687610
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