Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Feeling mad/sad today


 Shockt (original poster Member #74399) posted at 8:53 PM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

WH and I are about a year into R. H was immediately remorseful upon my discovery that he had been sexting with women on line for 2 years and sending them boatloads of money (his thank god, not mine) He also posted 2 or 3 nude selfies on line. I was devastated. Completely out of character in our 20 year good marriage and 30 year relationship. We’re now both in our 70s. He came clean with websites he visited and wrote me both an apology letter and a timeline of his acting out. We separated for 6 months. He began IC, as did I. We decided we both wanted to give R a chance at that time, so he moved back.

That’s background. We’ve been doing pretty well in R, regular checking in, not rugsweeping more and better communication/affection. But yesterday, while visiting my friend at her vacation home, we had a setback. I used his phone to see if I could collect messages left on land line at home. Had forgotten how to do that so was cruising around on phone service cite. Landed on a rarely used email page (phone and Internet and TV bundled). Noticed a few folders of messages, two names under massage Claudia andSerene. H was standing next to me and so I pointed and said"what is this." He looked confused and said, "There’s nothing there…. Nothing ever opened." Later with more time I went back and opened folders and sure enough read a dozen or so messages from 2011 all regarding future and post massage appts, as well as Wells Fargo receipts for payouts in most recent activity. Although this was stuff that I mostly already knew about, what I read provided, shall we say, a fuller picture of it all. I confronted him with anger. He apologized and tried to console me, stating that it was all old stuff, and as he continues to say, he stopped on d day and has no desire to return. I believe that to be true, at least at this moment, but this didn’t lessen the impact. Now, as I told him, I just feel very, very, sad and just sort of sick. Neither of us slept much at all last night, but have talked very little since we are visiting friend at lake cottage with thin walls (though she is one of very few who know the details of our trauma.). We have 2 more days of this visit and then plans for another long next weekend/outdoor concert and stay with other friends, somewhat coincidentally our 22 anniversary. I feel so conflicted. On the one hand, it’s hard to imagine actually splitting up, but on the other hand I find myself wondering how I could possibly imagine accepting the enormity of his betrayal enough to continue moving forward. A familiar feeling for many of us here on SI I know.

posts: 70   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2020
id 8687241

thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 4:41 AM on Monday, September 6th, 2021

Whenever a new dday hits, it all starts over again. It's heartbreaking. All I can say is to stay strong, don't allow rugsweeping and be true to you and your feelings.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8687262

ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 11:35 AM on Monday, September 6th, 2021

It is the TT that really takes us down. Can you speak with your WS and let him know this is another betrayal and sets you back to being traumatized again?

Of course you feel conflicted how could you not? Your trust was broken and he's given you little reason to trust anything he says.

Remember your WS is still thinking about himself as he's trying to protect his ego. It is all about him and not you. It's the WS/BS dance after d-day and I so wish it wasn't reality.

Most advice I received was to work on me and every person that offered that advice was absolutely right. Once I started that journey, it got a lot better. Work on you - that's what you deserve.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8687273

outofsorts ( Member #70701) posted at 2:02 AM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

Oh Shockt! I just want to say how very sorry I am that this has happened to you. Like Thatbpguy said, this is absolutely another dday. You need to take care of yourself.

And having to be around friends / company in a time like this must be an absolute nightmare.


Me(BW): 40
WH: 40
Married 7 years, together 20.
Dday 2/22/19

posts: 330   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2019
id 8687348

13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 5:00 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

This isn't a new DDay or TT, is it? Do you feel like it is, or was it seeing the hard evidence of things that you already knew that kicked you in the gut? Been there, done that. It HURTS.

I'm sorry that it happened, especially on vacation. Can you two go for a walk or "run to the store" so that you can hash it out?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687413

routerx ( New Member #75569) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

All I can say that that when my wife and I separated for 8 months, it did a lot of good. We are back together now and the relationship is forever changed, but in separation we realized the marriage was worth saving. It allows each person to get into their own corner and decide their own fate. I hope it works out for you.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2020
id 8688954
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