Newest Member: Serenity7

Divorce/Separation :
WH wants to come over on my birthday.

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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 11:05 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

He moved out about 4 weeks ago, it's all very fresh and incredibly painful. I'm in that awful place where I'm playing catch-up to an affair that appears to have been going on for 2-3 years. New information (aka gut punches) almost daily, some from him but a lot from people who have been witnesses. And at first I didn't realize he'd moved in WITH HER. He swears up and down and sideways that he moved out because WE have marital issues, she's just a friend who had a basement space. [Cue eyerolls]. He wants to come over and celebrate my birthday and I asked him why. He said, "I still love you and that will never change". Ok, so he's moved on and I should be ok with the leftover scraps of "love" he still has left, lucky me? Any further backbone you guys can provide will be welcome.

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8686905
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 11:35 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

My deepest sympathies.

I don't see any value in continuing to be in contact with anyone, after cheating for 2-3 years, that is so lacking in shame and empathy.

Tell him that his concern for you is unnecessary and ignore him. At this point he's done enough damage.

Take a month or two to reflect on your life, on what you want, and, more importantly, who you want in it.

Happy Birthday in advance.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8686911
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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 11:48 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

Thank you AnOminousMan. I firmly agree. I have been an enabler and right now I'm on the receiving end of lots of gaslighting and blameshifting - it has finally dawned on me that this is abuse. How long was it before you weren't constantly clenched?

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8686915
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

I'm almost 7 years from D-Day, almost 3 years since she left, and 3 months since finalizing all matters between us. I still get triggered, but nowhere near as much as I used to. I imagine it will get easier as time marches on so long as I say NC. I was better off 1 year after separating before she got back into contact. That set me back.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 12:00 AM, Friday, September 3rd]

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8686919
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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 12:10 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

AnOminousMan I have 4 D-days, and he lost his 30 year career because of 3 weeks of sexting a subordinate employee. So I'm guessing if there was ever full transparency I'd be blown away. You'd think I'd be relieved for this to be over... it doesn't feel like that, although I've seen little glimpses. One morning when I was half-awake I was worried he had returned. But then there is a new gut-punch (like, some people knew all along or he's slandering me) and I feel betrayed all over again. You don't treat anyone like this, much less your wife and supposed best friend. Thank you again for your strong words.

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8686921
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AnOminousMan ( Member #79091) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

If you have any days when you are feeling weak or unsure, make sure you post here. The sad reality is that most people have no idea of the damage that infidelity, especially martial infidelity, causes and will be unsympathetic to any pain that lasts more than a week, even if they experienced it themselves. Some seem to think it's like not being asked to the prom or like someone breaking up with you. Rugsweeping is not just for those who stay together. Lots of people rugsweep when they divorce as well.

You will find people here that can relate, will offer advice that has been crowdsourced from hundreds in similar circumstances, and won't judge. Don't allow your pain to isolate you or worse, cause you to reach out to those not worthy of being in contact with you.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

posts: 104   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8686924
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 12:22 AM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Hi Elbell,

I don't have much advise. But if I were you, I will tell him to fuck right off and never look back.

Sending strengths.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8686925
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

He wants to come over and celebrate my birthday and I asked him why.

No. Matter of fact I would suggest you make a day trip someone that day. Visit family or friends. Make sure you are not available for him to surprise you.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8686984
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DigitalSpyder ( Member #61995) posted at 2:38 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

But if I were you, I will tell him to fuck right off and never look back.

Post Tenebras Spero Lucem

posts: 349   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2017   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8686988
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jadedangel ( Member #26979) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

I vote for day trip too.

Heck even a super nice hotel stay with room service. Spa day, just something away from him.

And block his number for that day too. Just let it be for you.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 637   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8687012
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 4:26 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

How is he even able to contact you?

Your NC should be up and running, new locks on the doors, if you have kids communication via lawyers or mediator. We don’t say "NC" to be heartless shrews, you need absolute distance to even begin to heal. NC is not just blocking numbers, it’s not acknowledging you know him moving forward. Don’t look at their socials, remove their sh*t from your house, take down photos and making sure there is zero way they can contact you and if they somehow find a way not responding.

Make sure locks are changed (guaranteed he has a spare key) and either don’t be around on your birthday or don’t answer the door.

It’s cruel he said what he said but you’re cruel on yourself for giving him the time of day to say that to you. Until you’re NC you’re not on the start line of infidelity recovery.

There are some amazing self esteem boosting apps and mental wellbeing apps, for your birthday consider gifting yourself self affirmation and kindness by hunting for the perfect self care app for you, that and get a calendar block off 21 days and try to challenge yourself NC with him for that long, if successful block out another 21 days and give yourself a gift if you succeed.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 4:28 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8687036
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

"No, thanks. I have other plans."

My mom taught me to say that because it's never a lie. My other plans can be as simple as NOT seeing your stupid face that day. lol

If you let him come over, he'll literally and figuratively be eating your birthday cake. NO CAKE FOR YOU, ya cheatin' ass.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8687062
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:01 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

If your HUSBAND is living with another woman, why on earth are you allowing him to talk to you? He is about a thousand miles BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY.

My advice?... Stop talking to him, get an attorney, and jam his choices back in his face. File for divorce, on grounds if possible, and MEAN IT. What are you losing but 180 lbs of lying cheater?? Sunshine is the best disinfectant. Expose his ass to everyone *AND* the local family court system. Take as much as possible in settlement and move on with a better life.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8687067
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:20 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

No response is an option. It sends a clear message you don’t want to have anything further to do with him.

Block him from any future contact.

He’s now living with the OW. Don’t be his plan B/OW under any circumstances. He thinks he can have both of you. He thinks he controls the universe and you are just waiting around for him.

You will never be his back up plan. And do not let him try and fit you into that role. Ever!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687071
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BigMammaJamma ( Member #65954) posted at 8:25 PM on Friday, September 3rd, 2021

Wow - he CHOSE to give up the privilege of getting to spend these moments with you! The absolute gall! The best birthday present he could give you a quick and generous divorce.

Next time he asks you for something like that, just say "Um, I don't know you like that." Because he doesn't. He doesn't get that part of you any more.

I know your confidence is in the shitter right now, but I assure you, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. Tell that guy to fuck all the way off.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8687073
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 Elbell (original poster Member #25814) posted at 6:11 AM on Saturday, September 4th, 2021

Best birthday gift ever you guys... thank you. You are literally my backbone right now. I thought of that too 13yearsR - cake needs to be eliminated. I love those words Bigmamajamma - "I don't know you like that". I don't know him at all. I can't imagine what it takes to treat someone this way - anyone much less the ones you love.

posts: 807   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2009
id 8687105
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Blandy ( Member #79252) posted at 3:07 PM on Saturday, September 4th, 2021

First off, happy birthday!

I can only ditto what everyone else has said. And don't be afraid to tell him that you're only spending the day with good people that you enjoy being around.

My XW called me on my first birthday after Dday. I asked her if she was in the hospital, and when she said no, I said it's too bad that I didn't get one of my birthday wishes. She didn't call me after that for any supposed special day we had previously. I then went golfing with my buddies and we laughed and laughed. Childish? yes. Worth it? Also yes.

posts: 58   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8687127
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 3:27 AM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

Yes, happy birthday!

Just remember that “No.” is a complete sentence.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8687183
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 4:16 AM on Sunday, September 5th, 2021

Happy Birthday!🎉🎂

The one thing you know you deserve on your big day is to be surrounded by family and friends. I somehow missed his name on the guest list. Enjoy your birthday.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2794   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8687189
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 2:40 PM on Monday, September 6th, 2021

"No, thanks. I have other plans."

My mom taught me to say that because it's never a lie. My other plans can be as simple as NOT seeing your stupid face that day. lol

If you let him come over, he'll literally and figuratively be eating your birthday cake. NO CAKE FOR YOU, ya cheatin' ass.

Good stuff.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8687281
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