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Question….after the discovery phase is over and you know all you need/want to know about the A. What does the recovery process look like from there?

I feel like discovery is finished for me. The A has been put to bed, so to speak. Most of our conversations about the A are basically about triggers, or memories (mine) of that time and the hurt that ensued from it. He expresses remorse and comforts me any time I need to talk about it. He is tackling comforting my sexual insecurities that have resulted and has currently being very mindful of what I need to feel safe, and has started showing me (by actions) that I am his priority, and fixing our marriage is his number 1 goal. No matter what. Mind movies are ceasing for me, and I can go stretches without thinking about what happened. I had 3 good days in a row last week!

So, basically, I have my timeline, I know all the details I want to know about the A, he is doing the things he needs to be doing to make the marriage feel safe-ish (not sure when/if complete safety will come back) I feel like things are going well right now.

What now, though? What are the next steps? I want to continue to move forward and make progress and hopefully have an even better marriage than before the A. What are some things that helped you continue moving forward, and what are some "benchmarks" that I should be looking for in WH as time goes on?

ETA: WH has been FAR from perfect...but over the last two weeks he seems to have pulled his head out of his ass and has begun to "man up" and take initiative to show me, with actions, that his words are true. He has a long way to go, but this positive progress has been very encouraging.

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 7:50 PM, Tuesday, August 31st]

Now its time for the work. This looks different for everyone. My recommendations:

IC for him – tons of it. He should also be reading a bunch. The more proactive he can be, the better. He needs to understand his WHYS, the things in his personality that let him decide that it was okay to start and then continue an affair. The things that let him excuse lying to you, the person who he loves. The things that let him think it was okay to risk his relationship with you and with his daughter. What made him feel entitled to do all of this?

Some of these will be personal to him – they will stem from his FOO (family of origin issues). Sometimes this will be frustrating to you because it will feel like it has nothing to do with the A. Some of this will have to do with issues in the marriage (both real and perceived). Exploring these issues will inevitably feel raw/vulnerable and hurtful for you. Discussing how issues in the marriages were precursors to the A can sometimes feel a lot like victim blaming. It isn’t the same thing but man can it feel close.

It will not be until he understands his maladaptive thought processes and the flaws in his character that he is able to work on changing them. Making himself more healthy. Making your marriage more healthy. From reading some of your other posts it sounds like many issues in your relationship come from your spouse drinking and acting like a child. He will need to explore this. He will need to decide whether he is prepared to make decisions or boundaries around drinking that will enable you to feel safe and will make him a better partner.

For some couples, myself included, there is a time and place for marriage counselling. There you can, together, identify mechanisms to address and fix issues in your marriage that may have pre-dated the A. MC is typically not recommended this early in the process though. I note, it might be helpful if your communication about the A is maladaptive or otherwise interfering with your ability to heal.

While all this is happening, you need to work on yourself. Rebuild any confidence you feel was lost as a result of the disclosure. Make sure you are getting this from you and not as a result of the opinions of others. I really like exercise – find something you enjoy and reap the benefits of those endorphins. You should be going to IC if you feel like you need it.

Importantly, you need to set very clear boundaries for what you are and are not willing to accept in a relationship going forward and watch to see whether your spouse is prepared to meet those expectations. You should decide beforehand what the clear lines in the sand are and what you will do if those lines are crossed . Too often here we see BS who know what the lines are but aren’t willing to do anything when those lines are crossed (I don’t want that for you, or anyone!).

I wish you all the best.

I second everything emergent8 said.

It seems to be the consensus around here that it's too soon for MC, but that was not my experience. We started MC right away with a C who specialized in sexual addiction and it was very helpful. He called my H on a lot of his bullshit, helped him with FOO and PTSD stuff, challenged me to work on my codependence, and taught us how to be vulnerable and transparent with one another.

I also second working on and doing something for yourself. Do something outside of your comfort zone. I took a creative writing class. I went away for a weekend alone.

Also do things with your H. Travel, take a class, start a new hobby. You need to have fun and reconnect. Recovery shouldn't be drudgery 24/7.

This is when the excitement wears off and the real work begins.

You sit back and watch. Did he stop the sports team? Has he cut back in drinking? Has he done everything possible to help you?

Unfortunately it is about time. Time for him to prove himself. If he comes to you in 2 weeks to ask to go play on the sports team he swore he was leaving, then you know he was only doing what he needed to do to get out of the doghouse and he truly doesn’t get it.

Time will tell.

As for you, you need to get your power back in your marriage. You need to be able to speak your mind and say "I’m sorry that’s not going to work for us" when those times arise. You MUST start putting yourself first. I’m not saying be mean or difficult. I’m saying you need to be able to say no without repercussions or doubting yourself.

I re-defined our marriage after dday2. No regrets. I’m no longer a doormat. And he knows he cannot bully me to get his own way.

As for you, you need to get your power back in your marriage. You need to be able to speak your mind and say "I’m sorry that’s not going to work for us" when those times arise. You MUST start putting yourself first.

Yes, this.

Reclaim (or assert for the first time) power, and set and defend boundaries.

Always consider your needs first. It's been drilled into us that we're selfish if we don't put others first, but that's hogwash. Take care of ol' #1 and the rest will fall into place.

Emergent8 - Thank you so much for taking the time to make such a thoughtful and helpful reply! We are both in IC, and I can see some progress in him. He still hasn't quite figured out what made him feel like this was something he could do. I know he has a ton of FOO issues...he has an absolutely HORRIBLE childhood, and the abuse from his mother went well into his 30's.

His drinking and "party" mindset has been a problem for years. I have always said if he had the choice between me and the party, he will choose the party 100% of the time. The blowup I had after the bachelor party must have scared him. I was livid, and I basically told him that his actions don't match his words and that I was done with the BS. In the last week two opportunities presented themselves in this regard. One was a "subdivision Dad's pool party" and the other was a fundraiser for our Daughter's soccer team. He promised he wouldn't get drunk at the pool party and that he would be home at 7:30...normally he would start dodging my texts around 7 and come home completely obliterated. This time he didn't drink, kept in contact and was actually home at 7:15...huge progress in my eyes. The fundraiser was an open bar, and normally if I said I was ready to go home he would drag it out another hour or two and then basically tell me how "unfun" I am on the way home. I told him I was ready to go, and he said "okay, let's go!" I truly hope this pattern continues.

I have been working with my IC on letting go of the illusion that I could have done anything to stop this from happening. I think I am starting to see this for what it was...a terrible choice by HIM, lack of morals by HIM, a lack of HIS boundaries. I am focusing on finding ways to relieve triggers, and I am trying to let go of some of the "hyper-vigilant" habits that I have picked up along the way. It is so hard!

I am still trying to figure out what boundaries are dealbreakers for me. Aside from breaking NC, or this happening again...I have been 100% clear that I am GONE if either of those happen.

13YearsR - Thank you for taking the time to respond...I always love reading your replies!

MC is something that he actually has brought up a couple times. I would be interested in doing at least one session to see if it could be beneficial to us. Our IC's are wonderful, and we are doing great work on ourselves, but a MC to bring that work together for the marriage would be nice, too, I think. We just have to find one that specializes or has experience with this stuff.

Finding things to do for myself and self care have been the hardest things for me to accomplish. I am just so not used to doing things for myself or making myself a priority, especially with a crazy active kiddo. I need to prioritize that, I think. I just don't know what to do lol!

I think I am struggling with the adrenaline wearing off. Our life has been a roller coaster since January, and now that things have calmed down, it feels like I don't know how to function without chaos anymore.

The1stWife - Thank you for your response...your replies always remind me that this can be an empowering experience for me!

He did stop his sports team, and has agreed to only play the singular events away from anyone who was witness to the A. I am beyond happy with that. His drinking has been cut down, but that is a change that I will need to see over time. For now, it seems like he's making progress on all of that...I will take progress for now.

I have been way more assertive about my needs and my expectations of him since the bachelor party. I am not backing down on issues that I feel passionately about anymore. Drinking, his sport, his shitty reactions to my feelings...they are all things that he knows I will NOT tolerate anymore. I don't want to be a doormat anymore.

I'm really proud and happy for you. This is how you do it.

I am focusing on finding ways to relieve triggers, and I am trying to let go of some of the "hyper-vigilant" habits that I have picked up along the way. It is so hard!

Our MC gave me a little card to carry in my wallet that said NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I was to pull it out and read it and center myself whenever I was freaking out. What it meant was that the house isn't on fire, no one is hanging from a cliff edge by their fingertips, no one is in danger - these are just feelings and I don't have to act on them or let them ruin my day.

My H used to call it "getting on the train." I could either jump on the crazy train and go along for a maniacal ride, or I could keep my feet on the ground and acknowledge the train as it went by. I had forgotten all about that until this morning.

Anyway, I think you're doing great and I'm happy for you that things are going well right now.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 3:26 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

What an awesome idea! I think I'm going to make myself a card like that! Something to "ground" me or bring me back to reality. I spiral sometimes, and it is always the littlest thing that sets me off. I'm trying to remind myself that all of the crap was in the past, but it is really hard sometimes lol!!

I really wish I would have started posting on this site in the very beginning instead of lurking for so long. The advice that I have gotten here has been life-changing for me. Especially with the bachelor party situation...I feel like I found my "voice" that weekend. It was very empowering taking some control back. I feel different now, like this whole A situation isn't weighing me down so much or something. I don't know if it will be short-lived, but for now, I will gladly take the relief!

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 4:57 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

I think you've got this. You found your power, and you'll add to it and learn how to wield it with every new experience.

You've seen Fried Green Tomatoes, right? TOWANDA! There's no going back.

I am still trying to figure out what boundaries are dealbreakers for me.

What are his boundaries. Again, for you. In my situation it seemed she asked what boundaries I wanted from her. IMO she should make boundaries for herself. I plan to ask her to write them down for me so no confusion later.

I really wish I would have started posting on this site in the very beginning instead of lurking for so long.

Same here, I thought reading the information was enough to help me.

I agree with Emergent8 with a few changes.

First and foremost, I care about changing from cheater to good partner, not about understanding one's dysfunction. I'd look for your H to change the maladaptations that enabled him to cheat.

I also recommend reframing his excessive drinking in party conditions as other betrayals. He's promised to stop. He has stopped in the recent past - twice (that you've mentioned). He hasn't stopped in one dangerous situation. Stopping at the fund raiser and neighborhood party is nice, but it's not much, given his history. If he is white-knuckling through a strong desire to drink at parties, he'll break his word again. It's a big deal.

Understand that none of us can predict the future very reliably. Maybe the changes your H has shown over these past 2 weeks are temporary, but maybe they're not. After all, at this point permanent changes will look exactly like temporary changes.

That one small piece is a positive step in a long journey.

If I were working with your WH I would ask him to exactly pinpoint the moment he stopped "cherishing" is wife. Ya know, LOVE, HONOR, CHERISH, PROTECT.

Was it at your wedding? On the honeymoon? After a year of living together?

When. And when was it that he decided that everything you did was to make his life miserable. Instead of it just you reacting to the awful things he was doing and terrible choices he was making.

I think he may just be learning again how to cherish you. He took you way for granted. He didn’t look at you as a person with feelings.

I hope that changes. I hope that is a step toward that.

Someone who cherishes considers your feelings before his. He would consider your happiness before his own. On any topic.

My wife and I do that. We look out for each other’s feelings. And in that way, both of us can find happiness together.

It’s not all rainbows and apple pies. It’s work. It’s honestly a labor of love.

I hope he finds it. You deserve it

I wrote that on your bachelor party thread. I hope his new attitude is him doing exactly that, cherishing you whom deserves and always deserved his love and attention as the most important person in his life.

To me he may be finally growing up. To me it sounds like up to this point he has always been a selfish child. One only focused on his own happiness and what makes HIM and no one else, feel good.

Only time will tell you if the change is permanent. So if you are able to, give it time.

You are doing all the right things. Focus now on what you need. And if he can be a part of that, then perhaps you can truly find happiness with him again.

If not, you always have the option to move on with out him, at any time.

Take care.

I posted this about two weeks ago, and the changes he is making have been really encouraging to me. He hasn't gone back to doing his activity/sport, his drinking is almost non-existent, and he seems to really be "getting it" when it comes to my emotions. Previously, when I would be having a really good day, and then a trigger or memory would hit out of nowhere and I would get sad, he would get upset/angry because I was letting it ruin my day. Now, he is seeing it for what it is...another shitty repercussion of HIS choices. I now get met with hugs, and apologies for hurting me with his choices. He isn't perfect, and still messes up, but I no longer feel like I have to argue or fight for him to see my side when an issue gets brought up. I feel like he's finally hearing me for the first time in our relationship.

redfish - your response was thought-provoking to me. I think that is a great idea, have him set some boundaries for himself. I think that would really make him think.

And I really thought reading the responses was enough...and although it was helpful, seeing responses and suggestions on my situation, in particular, has been so helpful, and has really helped me find my "voice" in all of this!

Sisoon - I think focusing on becoming a safe partner has helped me navigate my way through this lately. I don't want to give him a script of what I think he should do, I want him to see the problem and find a solution on his own. This has been my number 1 thought-provoking question to him. "XYZ makes me uncomfortable and you do not feel safe to me, what are you going to do to make me feel safe in this situation" that line usually makes him truly think about whatever it is, and he is coming up with resolutions on his own.

He knows that his drinking is something I am NOT ok with, that is a hard boundary for me now. And he has been in a few situations since my last update and he is doing really well. For instance, all of the soccer dads bring beer and shots to tournaments. This past weekend he was offered shots so many times and he said no every single time...even took some crap from the other dads and his response was "I don't do shots anymore, I make too many bad choices when I do" I was so shocked and proud that he acknowledged it like that!

your words have been ringing in my head since I read your reply because they are so true...all change right now looks exactly like temporary changes...as long as things feel good, I don't mind waiting it out to see if they are permanent.

Stevesn - I love reading your responses on other threads, you always have such an insightful perspective. I remember reading your reply on the bachelor party post and thinking "how the hell do I ask him when he stopped cherishing me?" so, I never asked him. Well, it just so happens that he kind of brought it up on his own this weekend. We were busy all weekend, and saturday night, laying in bed, we just started talking. I could tell he was having a moment of "WTF did I do?!" A little backstory...I met him when we were both teenagers still. He was into drugs at the time (stupid me didn't see this as a red flag) and he said he needed help. So I was his friend and kept him on the right path and he always said I was his "reason" for getting clean. So, in bed, I asked him if he was ok...he responded by telling me how strong and amazing I am, and that I was the reason he was even still alive and how I was everything he ever wanted and he couldn't believe that he spent so many years not seeing what he had right in front of him. He said I was the only person who has been in his corner his whole life, and he almost threw it all away because he was selfish and took me for granted for so long. He said almost losing me was the scariest thing that has ever happened to him. He said he will spend his whole life making this up to me and proving that he is worth the second chance that I'm giving him and he will treat me the way I should have been treated from the beginning.

Obviously, he will have to back this all up with his actions, but this unprovoked epiphany moment was so touching, and it felt like he is really getting this.

He seems different. Even in everyday situations, not just the "OMG I'm so sorry for what I did" moments. Like, if I'm driving he will check traffic and tell me areas to avoid, or if there is water on the garage floor he holds my hand and tells me to be careful. I had a rough emotional day last week, and he cooked dinner on his own for the first time and told me to go take a bath and relax. I have been with him for 17 years, and this kind of stuff has never happened before. I feel taken care of for the first time ever, and it feels so different and so nice.

As for me, I am still seeing my IC, really working on working through triggers and staying in the "now". Self care is the name of my game lately. I get my nails done, skip house work when I need to, to take a nap or a bath or whatever I need, and he picks up the slack. It has been really nice just focusing on me and giving him the opportunity to step up and be what I need. I hope that I can continue posting good updates and this is truly how our life is going to be...but I guess that is a time thing.

[This message edited by FairyTaleGone at 2:54 PM, Monday, September 13th]

I’m glad things are going well. I think you taking your power back after the bachelor party weekend was the best thing you could have done, given the circumstances.

I just hope you have a plan B — not because he may cheat but if you have kids you never know what could happen. He could become ill and unable to work — are you prepared? He could become injured and need extensive rehabilitation-/ are you prepared?

The one thing I learned is how UNPREPARED I was for life. Having kids you need to be able to provide or have some plan in case a fire destroys your house, a kid becomes ill or he decides to leave you in the middle of the night. Or you throw him out 😂.

I had to get my plan together as my H was lying and cheating and kicking me to the curb. Not the best situation but as my therapist told me once - "you are the calmest about to be Divorced person I ever met". I couldn’t breakdown b/c there was no one to pick me up off the floor.

Every day was about $ and getting closer to a goal where I could survive if he walked out. I wish I had been more prepared.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:47 AM, Wednesday, September 15th]

What do you do? Nothing but look after yourself.

He brought this shit into your house; he should be the one breaking his back to shovel it out.

If you’re posting on SI every day and doing so much research on infidelity that you could qualify for a PhD in the subject, then he is not putting in the work.

If he wants this marriage badly enough, he figure it out.

The1stWife - As crappy as the bachelor party weekend was, I think it was the catalyst for change in ME. After reading everyone's responses and encouragement and advice, I found my voice and realized that HE needed to step up in a big way. That was the weekend that everything "clicked" for me. I didn't want to fall back into the same sh*t storm that our marriage was to begin with.

I've read on here that most people feel better when they have a backup plan, so I have started making my plan. I truly hope I won't ever need it, but knowing that I can take care of my daughter is really important. I have a great job, I carry the insurance, and I have a healthy 401K that I could lean on if necessary. We are set on life insurance and accidentals. If something were to happen and the marriage dissolved, it might take me a few months to get on my feet, but I am blessed with a close family, who all live within 10 miles of us, so I know I could lean on them, too.

Funny story about family...In the midst of one of WH's drunken tirades during his A, I called his dad and told him EVERYTHING!! His dad has been one of my biggest supporters during this, and has even offered to help me pay for a divorce lawyer if needed. I never expected that kind of support from my in-laws, but I am so very grateful to know that I have a support system.

BluerThanBlue - I have been trying to focus on myself and stop reading so many articles, books, etc on infidelity. At first I was reading them to make myself feel better because I felt so crazy. But more recently, I have such an interest in understanding how a wayward's mind works. What they are thinking...similarities...everything! I think I could have a PhD by now!

He read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and that has helped him a lot. His IC is wonderful, and really pushes him outside his comfort zone to understand what happened and why. He is still working to understand it, but FOO, and not feeling worthy of his life have come up many times now. Almost a self-sabotage thing. I am happy with the work he is putting in, it appears that he had his "rock bottom" moment and is trying to claw his way back.

All great to hear. I’m really glad you found your voice and stated clearly and honestly what you need to see and hear from him in order to even stay and try to work on this relationship. And what you need to heal and feel safe.

One thing I am wondering is about his drinking. He seems to be doing well but what is reinforcing it. Forever is a long time not to drink. He needs support like one of the 12 step programs and/or an additional therapist that specializes in alcoholism.

I think you should have a discussion about that and creat a plan for his drinking for the years to follow.