I first came to SI in the Fall of 2007. I was the angriest, most foul mouthed, mean, broken BS you ever met. Truly. It's been a minute. ExH and I have made peace. He's dying of lung cancer. On his last hope drug, then that's it. I don't think he will see 5 more years, but that's not why I'm here.
Last November I let someone in. For the first time since 2007. I took it slow, forged a long-distance relationship. He told me I'm beautiful, flirted with me, brought me coffee in bed. It became an every weekend thing. Just swept me off my damn feet.
His days off are Sunday and Monday, mine are Saturday Sunday.
In June, his daughter killed herself. Then he turned 60. Then it was Father's Day, his Mom got sick, in and out of hospital. Then she needed a pace maker. We have spent the whole Summer dealing with his family (and I'm not complaining, just stating facts for later). We live an hour apart. I have not seen any of my family this summer - our schedules are not working out.
He dumped me Sunday. Out of the blue. "He's tired of seeing me once a week. This relationship has not progressed to where he thought it should be. I work too much. Last year by this time he would have gone camping 5 or 6 times and been on several long rides on his Harley."
Wait, back up. Have we not just spent the WHOLE summer dealing with your family?
I took a weekend off from him about 4 weeks ago because my nephew and his family got COVID. My sister told me that AFTER she had been to their house and we met for dinner. I was paranoid that I might get breakthrough and his Mom would end up with it.
Last week I told him that I planned a weekend getaway with my sisters at the end of September. I had a cold last week as well and didn't have a lot to say when he called. So one night I suggested we get off the phone and talk in the AM.
Never heard from him. The rest of the week he was in a foul mood every time we talked.
Saturday when I was getting ready to head to his house he said he needed a break. Then he proceeded to send pictures from his jeep ride, call me several times to tell me about his ride,and then called me when he got home. I was supposed to go see him on Sunday. When I called him at 10:00 AM, he was cleaning his house, in a foul mood, told me he was going to ride his Harley with his brother. He called me at 3:00. Still cleaning. Angry as hell. "If I am going to be alone I might as well be alone."
We talked for several hours, best conversation ever because he finally opened up about a lot of stuff. We said we would look for other ways we could be together.
He called me at 7:30 Monday and just went off that he didn't sleep, he had a headache, and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I'm not enough. I'm not what he's looking for. Life is too short to be alone all the time.
(Uh REALLY??? I have been alone for 14 fkn years. Don't tell me about being alone.)
He's been married 3 times, had two other live-ins since 2007.
I'm an idiot.
My heart is hurting. I feel shame. This is my go-to emotion.
I'm sad and confused, but think the universe took care of me somehow. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
Don't know the point of my story, just needed to vent. and be sad for a minute. Thanks for listening.