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Just Found Out :
Days are so long

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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 10:11 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Looking for some helpful advice here. Found some messages on the wife’s phone a towards the end of June. Just had a gut feeling to check. It was inappropriate and she told me she had things in common. Good friend at work. This rocked me because like everyone else never saw this coming. Told her that it needed to stop and she told me that she told him work needed to stay professional. Over the next several weeks I wasn’t just a shell. In my head. Wondering. Asking why. Playing a victim. Was it over? Fast forward 4 weeks and I just had another feeling. I swung by her work and hung out assuming I would see her pull in. There was about a half hour delay. Confronted her on it that evening and she admitted to stopping by his place to help a friend bc he needed help walking his dog bc he was sick. Now I don’t come close to buying that but I know based on what I saw the first time this thing is in an infancy stage but this visit doubled down and was by no means keeping it professional. And here comes chance #2 with her promising to stop. Apparently told him I knew and wasn’t happy and that she needed to work on her marriage. It’s been a week and I’m still in my head not trusting that it’s done. Our intimacy on the weekends has been exceptional. I don’t even know if I can trust my gut any longer. I’ve had thoughts of tracking our car to make sure she’s not going there again. I want to reach out to this guy and make my presence known. I want so badly to work on forgiveness and rebuilding of trust but I don’t know how to get there. This is really impacting my ability to do anything. I have to pretend to be ok when she’s around because I fear that talking about it too much will further divide us. She doesn’t want to do any counseling and I haven’t said it’s that or we need to separate either. This is just awful.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678632
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

I have to pretend to be ok when she’s around because I fear that talking about it too much will further divide us.

EEK no, this is not the way.

She doesn’t want to do any counseling and I haven’t said it’s that or we need to separate either.

Also not the way. Of course she doesn't want counseling. Or consequences.

Do you have kids?

You are going to get a lot of good advice. You are going to have to stand up for yourself NOW.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8678633
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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Blended family. Kids but all but one grown. She’s 44 and I’m 51

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678637
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CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 10:29 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Start reading The Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner of this page. Start with the articles. Learn about the 180 and start implementing it. Understand the reasons for the 180 so you know why you are doing it. Keep posting here even if it is to vent. There is much help and experience here.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8678640
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:43 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

My friend I was in your shoes. Afraid to say or do anything for fear of sending the cheater into the arms of the affair partner.

Please know — in all honesty —- the cheater doesn’t care what you do or don’t do. They have already rationalized the affair and justified it in any way possible. Will they use a confrontation or talking about it as an excuse? Absolutely!!!

But if you don’t say or do anything you get the same results. Then the cheater thinks they are getting away with something and continue to cheat.

Either way you are dealing with an enemy. An enemy of the worst kind. Someone who is supposed to respect you and be honest. Instead they plot against you to feed their own selfish behavior.

I confronted my H two weeks after Dday and finding out he’s planning to D me. Here are the red flags this affair is on-going:

🚩. Refusal to go to counseling

🚩 refusal to discuss

🚩out of character behavior (walking the dog)

🚩 phone is attached to them 24/7

🚩 suddenly not where she is supposed to be

🚩 you don’t have passwords to phone or devices

🚩 cheater makes the betrayed appear to be crazy or controlling or jealous over nothing

Treat the Affair like an addiction. Treat her like an addict. Because that is how the cheater behaves snd thinks. They will do almost anything to get the “fix” or ego boost from the affair.

My H was so out of character I thought two things - he suddenly started using drugs or he’s having a breakdown.

Don’t be a coward. The cheater is counting on the betrayed saying snd doing nothing and continuing to cheat. Don’t let that happen.

At the very least consider counseling for yourself. And read up on the 180 in the Healing Library (upper left corner) here at Surviving Infidelity.

Secondly have a well rehearsed speech to give her. Tell her you know she’s cheating and you will not accept that. She either ends it right now - in front of you via phone call on speakerphone — or you will have to make some tough choices. Tell her she has X number of days to get a new job. Because co-workers can continue to cheat very easily.

And if you find out there is any future contact you will be forced to make some tough decisions as well.

And if she refuses then you know where you stand.

Don’t say anything as a bluff. If you say it, you mean it.

My H was blindsided in dday2 when I told him I was D him. No yelling. Very calm and rational. And I told him to get out as well. He never thought I would stand up to him.

Guess who has all the power now. Me! Because I finally asserted myself and refused to accept his lying and cheating and ego.

Happily reconciled!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:46 PM, July 26th (Monday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8678643
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GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 10:53 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Exceptional sex over the weekend?

She's love-bombing you to make you think you won. This is almost always the first tactic a WW uses that is trying to continue to have her cake and eat it too.

She is still cheating.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8678648
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 10:56 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

So what’s she doing to assure you she’s a safe partner for you? Has she offered to be fully transparent with all of her electronics and social media? Enabled tracking on her phone? Offered to find a new job or transfer to another location? As you’ve seen her words on this matter don’t count for much. Only her actions matter.

She’s the one who has to rebuild trust.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8678650
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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 11:01 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

She didn’t refuse CS, just said she really didn’t want to. She said she ended it and there in lied my problem is that I can’t verify. I obviously can’t blindly trust. I’m pretty certain of things I could do to verify but I don’t because it’s stalkish behavior and I fear what I’ll find it out. I looked at the 180 briefly and all of it just seems so difficult in this moment. And putting my foot down fear comes in too because I fear the answer. I assume I’ll get there in time but right now I just feel paralyzed.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678654
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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

So what’s she doing to assure you she’s a safe partner for you? Has she offered to be fully transparent with all of her electronics and social media? Enabled tracking on her phone? Offered to find a new job or transfer to another location?

Phone is available any time I want. Pointless though because I don’t think she dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. Location sharing? Haven’t asked but I’m pretty sure that would be met with hostility. She’s trying (in her mind I assume) by being intimate, reaching out and holding my hand and asking how I’m doing specifically related to the issue. She can tell. Other than that not much

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678659
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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Not sure how to specifically respond to questions on here. I don’t have a computer, just an iPhone

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678660
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 12:00 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I looked at the 180 briefly and all of it just seems so difficult in this moment. And putting my foot down fear comes in too because I fear the answer. I assume I’ll get there in time but right now I just feel paralyzed.

You need to stand up for yourself. She cheated on you. She will for sure do it again if there are not real consequences. Don't have sex with her. Tell her you are going to wait until you both get STD tests. Have sex with condoms only if you must have sex with her. She went into a man's house when she was supposed to be at work. Stop being paralyzed by the pain. Google betrayal trauma therapists in your area and start seeing one.

I wasn't able to get my brain on track until I started therapy. You are not moving any direction, you are just stagnant. Your wife has disrespected you. Get STD tests and to therapy.

It is too soon for couples therapy anyway.

You need to stop letting fear paralyze you. You need to find your backbone, like, now.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8678681
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 12:11 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

It's not over. That much I can tell you with near certainty.

I was in a situation similar to yours when I first joined this site. Heed the advice you get here. Every time you feel like you might be overreacting to do something, just go ahead and do it. Every time you push through your own barrier in your mind that you are "rocking the boat" too much, you will be happy you did. That's when you make progress.

Catching them in the infancy is going to be in some ways its own challenge because maybe they haven't had sex. Many WSs will use your "accusatory" behavior to say you are "controlling". I suggest you get ahead of that.

When you confront, tell her that she can be romantically involved with her coworker, and as many other men as she wants, but not as your wife. Right now she is getting horned up on the thought of him and then using you as a human dildo, probably while thinking of him. I experienced something similar.

She needs to go full no contact with her AP. That might mean getting a new job. If you want to know what a year+ of suffering is like, just ask me. It sucks. Read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Understand that your wife is still emotionally and romantically attached to a coworker that she sees what, every day?

It's no good.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8678683
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LookWhatYouDid ( New Member #78771) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I say this as gently as possible given the circumstances. .. brother, this is your wife! She has zero right to privacy from you. You won't nice her into faithfulness just like you can't push her away by standing up for yourself. She's already moved away on her own. She is responsible (not you) for her past, current, & future decisions. Let me say that again, she is responsible. She's needs to prove to she is worthy of reconciliation. I would make that clear to her.

Also, I would continue stalker type activity. My wife gave up the AP, but the truth didn't come out as easily. It took a lot of things I never thought I'd do in my life to find the truth. It sucks, but she was broke to the core. She's working on all of that for over a year, but it has been difficult.

Don't be ashamed or feel guilt over standing up for you & requiring her to be accountable on every damn thing.

posts: 2   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021
id 8678686
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Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 12:24 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

You are afraid of the worst. Best bet is to assume the worst... because it likely is. If you read others stories the most common is wishing they had gone 180 immediately. You will likely need more evidence to get your head straight so track her phone and or GPS her car. VAR in car and anywhere she would have phone conversations at home. If shared get the phone records. Modern messaging devices bypass text and email. Consider a key tracker on her phone. This is a horrible club but your best bet in minimizing the damage. Good luck to you and please follow the good advice you will get.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8678687
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

As The1stWife said don't be afraid to confront her.

I know you want this nightmare to go away (we've all been there) but how can you expect her to be honest with you if you're afraid to be honest with yourself?

You can NOT change what you're afraid to confront!!

As you can see this is no way to live. It's gut wrenching nor did you sign up to have to play detective watching the one person who is supposed to have your back.

I would stop talking about it (asking her questions etc) because whatever she says to you is just words and as you now know she has NO problem lying to you.

Lull her into thinking you believe her.

In the meantime put a tracker on her car so you can see where she goes. Maybe hire a PI to follow her and to see what he can dig up.

Until you have the truth, this is going to tear your soul apart, and you need to know the truth of what you're dealing with.

Don't stick your head in the sand and hope this goes away. Have the courage to face it and do what you have to do.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8678691
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

My H ended his affair. For a few weeks that is. First time she called him he went running back (unbeknownst to me).

I was stalling fir time to get enough money for my plan B. Just in case.

Turns out I needed the plan B on dday2. Glad I was prepared for it. It was a game changer.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8678693
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:51 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

All cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’re getting. If she’s going over to his home it’s a sexual affair.

You are at this time weak and ineffective. You are walking on eggshells afraid of pushing her away. She already left!

They work together so the affair will be ongoing.

Find out if he’s married. If so inform his wife. Its the most effective to try and end the affair.

Better get strong right now and stop letting her play you.

STD TESTING! If this guy is screwing other woman you could get something passed onto you.

The only one who can keep you in limbo is yourself.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8678699
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Phone is available any time I want. Pointless though because I don’t think she dumb enough to make the same mistake twice. Location sharing? Haven’t asked but I’m pretty sure that would be met with hostility. She’s trying (in her mind I assume) by being intimate, reaching out and holding my hand and asking how I’m doing specifically related to the issue. She can tell. Other than that not much

They work together and like most cheaters she just went deeper under ground.

Sorry man but with her current mindset she’s not R material.

You are living in infidelity and sharing your wife with another man. Is it worth it?

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8678702
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 Breaknotbend (original poster New Member #79181) posted at 1:20 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Wow. Tell me how you really feel! Seriously though I appreciate the comments and advice. I know what I need to do and just need to do it. Knowing for sure one way or the other is big for me so I need to start getting some answers and I’m only going to get them by grabbing them myself. I tried to save my first marriage of 15 years for a couple years and I can’t do that again.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2021   ·   location: Seattle
id 8678714
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:07 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

Sorry for the situation you are in. But I'm glad that you found here, because what you're going through is a very typical cheating. Your WW is acting by the cheater's handbook, and you seem to be doing all the things you shouldn't.

I suggest you listen to the advice given here, they were once in your shoes, and we are also witnessing thousands of cases here. We pretty much know what works and what doesn't in this type of situation.

First off, yes, they were in an A(ffaire) and still are.

They most likely had sex, yes, including that morning. If they get the chance, they will continue to do so.

They are in an A and you still let them share the same place for most of the day. This is unacceptable, it has to end. Tell her to get a new job ASAP. If you won't be in a lot of trouble financially, she should quit that job immediatelly.

Now I don’t come close to buying that but I know based on what I saw the first time this thing is in an infancy stage but this visit doubled down and was by no means keeping it professional. And here comes chance #2 with her promising to stop. Apparently told him I knew and wasn’t happy and that she needed to work on her marriage. It’s been a week and I’m still in my head not trusting that it’s done. Our intimacy on the weekends has been exceptional.

You only draw conclusions based on what you know.

It has probably started much earlier and the things you are afraid to hear have probably happened a lot.

Don't believe a single word of her, believe half of what you see.

Exceptional sex is very much to be expected, it has a special name in cheaters handbook; "sex bombing".

If you think that by talking to her or the AP, they will understand and respect you, you are wrong. Before anyone else, you need to respect yourself. You should show by your actions that you cannot tolerate this disrespect towards you. That's why 180 is important. Also, by detaching yourself from her, you create a healthier thinking environment for yourself. That's not possible as long as you're exposed to sex bombing. Btw, ask her to take an STD/STI test and don't have sex with her until you get the results. Considering you should do 180, you shouldn't actually have sex when you get the results neither.

Demand full transparency, and you can also use the necessary electronic devices like GPS tracker, VAR. You don't have to ask for location sharing, since you can reach her phone, you can activates the application.

Find out who the AP is. If he is married or in a relationship inform OBS.

Not wanting to see/hear what's happening doesn't stop them from continuing to happen.

If she doesn't face the consequences of her actions, is there any reason why she shouldn't keep doing it?

See a divorce lawyer to know your legal options. If she doesn't take the necessary steps or if you come across facts that you can't stand be prepared to filo and serve her.

Good Luck

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8678721
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