I dont know where to put this. I know that this site is for those who have suffered with a Wayward spouse or is a wayward spouse. I can honestly say that I am very confident that my wife is not and has not cheated on me. We have been together for over 22 years nd married for 20. We have 2 Kids and enjoy our time together.
Both of our families come from broken households with infidelities from both parents. Both of our families divorced and remarried to different partners.
Before my wife and I met she had been in several relationships that were sexual. She was very open about her sexual history just like I was open about mine. Due to her childhood she placed little value on her body and had more sexual partners than I did. I dont begrudge her any of that. I am happy that she no longer feels like she has no value outside of sex.
During her younger pre-me relationships she was not always faithful to her partners. She stated that she was constantly looking for someone to love her and attention was equated to love.
Again, i do not believe my wife has or is cheating on me. My issue is that recently I cant get thoughts of myself being cheated on by her in the ways she cheated on her partners. For an example. When she was 16 she was dating a boy that was dying of cancer. He was rapidly declining and could not be sexual with her. She ended up sleeping with a few others while he was dying but didnt tell him because she didnt want to hurt him at the time. Eventually, after she stopped seeing the other guy, she did tell him and it broke his heart but they stayed together until he passed away.
I start to think about myself in those situations and picture myself dying and being cheated on. I have an active imagination and the images are very real in my head. I get angry at my wife for things I see in my head that she has not done to me.
We have had many discussions about what is going on in my head and offers me whatever reassurances I need to prove that she is not doing anything. She works in the mental health and Social Work fields so is encouraging me to see a doctor to find out if something is going on medically that is making these thoughts and images invade my day to day.
Since this has started over 2 months ago I have lost over 20 pounds and I am not able to sleep. My Physician has prescribed Anxiety medication and recommends that I work less (I currently work 60-70 hours a week.) I started a journal of my thoughts and while the images and thoughts of my wife having an affair are disturbing to me, my thoughts about my reactions to finding out are dark and scary.
I am not a violent person but my thoughts are going into dark territory. My wife has been very supportive and willing to listen but has told me that it stresses her out to feel like she is losing me due to these thoughts and has told me she feels like it is unfair to punish her for things that she did before meeting me and that she is not the same person she was 25 years ago.
I have told her that I am not punishing her. If I could flip a switch I would stop the images immediately. Due to her getting stressed I have decided to stop talking to her about it because her getting stressed make me feel like this fear of her cheating on me will lead to her actually doing it. I am setting up a therapy appointment and I have had blood test done to make sure that nothing is biologically wrong. I feel like I am losing my mind and will lose my wife because of it.
I dont know if anyone has any experience in this because I dont know what to do and want to get this to stop before it gets worse. I have read alot about the mind movies on this site and I have tried different tactics to try and stop or redirect the thoughts to little success. Any guidance is appreciated.