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Not sure what is happening

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 SomethingsWrong (original poster New Member #79140) posted at 1:35 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I dont know where to put this. I know that this site is for those who have suffered with a Wayward spouse or is a wayward spouse. I can honestly say that I am very confident that my wife is not and has not cheated on me. We have been together for over 22 years nd married for 20. We have 2 Kids and enjoy our time together.

Both of our families come from broken households with infidelities from both parents. Both of our families divorced and remarried to different partners.

Before my wife and I met she had been in several relationships that were sexual. She was very open about her sexual history just like I was open about mine. Due to her childhood she placed little value on her body and had more sexual partners than I did. I dont begrudge her any of that. I am happy that she no longer feels like she has no value outside of sex.

During her younger pre-me relationships she was not always faithful to her partners. She stated that she was constantly looking for someone to love her and attention was equated to love.

Again, i do not believe my wife has or is cheating on me. My issue is that recently I cant get thoughts of myself being cheated on by her in the ways she cheated on her partners. For an example. When she was 16 she was dating a boy that was dying of cancer. He was rapidly declining and could not be sexual with her. She ended up sleeping with a few others while he was dying but didnt tell him because she didnt want to hurt him at the time. Eventually, after she stopped seeing the other guy, she did tell him and it broke his heart but they stayed together until he passed away.

I start to think about myself in those situations and picture myself dying and being cheated on. I have an active imagination and the images are very real in my head. I get angry at my wife for things I see in my head that she has not done to me.

We have had many discussions about what is going on in my head and offers me whatever reassurances I need to prove that she is not doing anything. She works in the mental health and Social Work fields so is encouraging me to see a doctor to find out if something is going on medically that is making these thoughts and images invade my day to day.

Since this has started over 2 months ago I have lost over 20 pounds and I am not able to sleep. My Physician has prescribed Anxiety medication and recommends that I work less (I currently work 60-70 hours a week.) I started a journal of my thoughts and while the images and thoughts of my wife having an affair are disturbing to me, my thoughts about my reactions to finding out are dark and scary.

I am not a violent person but my thoughts are going into dark territory. My wife has been very supportive and willing to listen but has told me that it stresses her out to feel like she is losing me due to these thoughts and has told me she feels like it is unfair to punish her for things that she did before meeting me and that she is not the same person she was 25 years ago.

I have told her that I am not punishing her. If I could flip a switch I would stop the images immediately. Due to her getting stressed I have decided to stop talking to her about it because her getting stressed make me feel like this fear of her cheating on me will lead to her actually doing it. I am setting up a therapy appointment and I have had blood test done to make sure that nothing is biologically wrong. I feel like I am losing my mind and will lose my wife because of it.

I dont know if anyone has any experience in this because I dont know what to do and want to get this to stop before it gets worse. I have read alot about the mind movies on this site and I have tried different tactics to try and stop or redirect the thoughts to little success. Any guidance is appreciated.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2021   ·   location: Virginia
id 8677453
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EvenKeel ( Member #24210) posted at 1:42 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I start to think about myself in those situations and picture myself dying and being cheated on

I had something similar. My counselor told me that was my own inner-self trying to prepare myself for any trauma that could come.

It is a self-protection defense mechanism.

posts: 6666   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8677458
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 1:57 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

MY experience was that I had invasive thoughts about my H blindsiding me with a revelation about an affair . We had been married over 25 years by that point and there was NO indications this was happening. I thought maybe I was reliving the traumatic events from when my 1st H was cheating on me and I was blindsided by the two affairs I found out about.

At that time...I was having to travel out of state a lot. I had NO IDEA that my H was actually going into chat rooms...then webcamming with other women. He also placed several Craigslist ads looking for people to chat or webcam with . We talked about my feeling that something was OFF...and he gaslighted and manipulated me like a PRO. It wasn't until he had a physical affair that the GUILT hit him so hard and he had to confess. I then realized that although his physical affair lasted 9 1/2 weeks...he was actually having numerous online affairs for almost 2 years prior to that .

I am NOT saying your wife is having an affair. But I WISH I had trusted my GUT a long time before. My head and my heart were conflicted...but my GUT was spot on. ALWAYS trust your gut!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8677461
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 1:59 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

My counselor told me that was my own inner-self trying to prepare myself for any trauma that could come.

It is a self-protection defense mechanism


This. IC is the answer. What do you feel triggered this? Was this a recent disclosure? Recent health scare? Something she did or didn't do? Knowinf the trigger will help both of you understand it and move past it.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8677462
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 SomethingsWrong (original poster New Member #79140) posted at 2:14 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I cant think of anything recent that has triggered this. I am fairly healthy. I need to lose more weight but doesnt just about everyone in their 40s. I have known about my wifes past since before we became serious when dating. She has not tried to hide anything and truly cant believe that she did what she has done in her younger years. She is truly the most honest person I know and it is upsetting to me to think these thoughts. I do not have any thoughts about hurting her physically, I love her too much. But I do get thoughts that if it was true that I would hurt her emotionally and psychologically and or kill myself in front of her to show how much she hurt me. I have to wonder if it is my fear that I have invested so much in her and her in me that we could lose it all over a "mistake" (probably not the right word.) She has always supported me, encouraged me and made me feel like I am important to her. I know that she is strong and capable of taking care of our household without me if she needed to. I reached out to my mother (father passed away almost 20 years ago) and asked about mental illness in our family and she said that there was on her side and that her mother was actually institutionalized for 6 months. I am hoping that I am not going to crazy and lose the respect of my wife and kids. The anxiety meds appear to make me not "feel" as much but the images still come. My wife says I need to retrain my brain to not think about these things and I truly wish I could. I get to where I am afraid to come home at night if my daughters car isnt home because Im afraid I will have my worst fears come true.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2021   ·   location: Virginia
id 8677467
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Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 2:36 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

The fact that suicidal thoughts are in your head is troubling. This sounds as if you are really getting into your own head.

Counseling for you is what is important right now. Find yourself a good counselor YESTERDAY. Regardless of anything that your wife may have done in the past, it is very important that you find help for yourself.

Once you find that counselor, you should see that your wife is supportive and understanding. This goes far deeper than just the thought of infidelity.

BH
DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 446   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8677475
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HardKnocks ( Member #70957) posted at 3:23 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Sorry for your struggles.

Is there any reason that you haven't sought IC?

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month PA
My Ducks are Aligned and I'm Good to Go! :)

posts: 307   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8677492
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Seeking2Forgive ( Member #78819) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I had a very similar experience in my early 40s. Worries about my job. Worries about my health. Worries about my wife losing interest in me. They ended up in panic attacks that my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication for. If I had sought IC I may have figured out that by avoiding conflict and failing to set boundaries I was leaving the door open for trouble.

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety piled up on you and your mind is looking for threats everywhere. IC can help you sort through those and find he root cause.

Hopefully your anxiety about your wife is just your mind looking for threats and not a signal that something isn't right. Consider that and make sure you listen if that's what you're feeling. But you feel vulnerable right now and you may just be associating that with those times when your wife hurt other vulnerable people.

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 76   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8677509
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I do agree with the others that you may benefit speaking to a professional therapist. For whatever reason(s), you are having new realizations/rationalizations/ideations that you have never had before, without some new specific experience. Maybe even from your disruptive childhood showing up now? It would be worth exploring.

As for your wife:

told me she feels like it is unfair to punish her for things that she did before meeting me and that she is not the same person she was 25 years ago.

It may not be 'punishing', but it most definitely can be stressing to her if her behaviors from before you met are affecting you today. At the minimum, in the situation that you described earlier, she was 16 years old. A minor. Someone whose brain isn't even fully developed. By no means is that a pass for bad decisions, but is a reasonable explanation if she self-recognized her poor boundaries, and changed them into healthier ones as she aged.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8677522
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 8:27 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Since this has started over 2 months ago I have lost over 20 pounds and I am not able to sleep.

I think you need to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist rather than relying on your family doc to prescribe the right meds. Especially since you have a family history of mental illness and are having suicidal ideations.

I hope you find relief quickly.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8677567
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