Topic is Sleeping.
SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 10:52 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Right now everything from what I can tell has been only chat. Nothing physical.
Does that really matter? How is actively planning an affair and emotionally attaching to another man any different than the physical act? They're one in the same. They both constitute a complete discarding of your marriage and you.
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
Sorry man but this is typical cheater fare. Nothing special about it at all.
Better wake up to where you are.
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 10:55 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
You are right. It is cheating either way whether it's physical or emotional
ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 10:57 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
There's no reason why you can't just ask her who she's been talking to and where she met him. Chances are, she'll tell you a bunch of lies, but that's when you correct her with the truth.
There's no substitute for being willing to end the marriage in order to have a chance of saving it. When you think about it, we've only got the one tool in our arsenal, our choice to LEAVE if the cheater won't remediate their behavior. So, when we put that ultimatum out there, we need to really mean it. But isn't it better to let her know right now that you're watching BEFORE she does something stupid she can't take back??
masti ( Member #54237) posted at 10:59 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Cdean72 if u don’t want to divorce then u have to confront. There is no point waiting for her to cheat. Many have known before but have been too passive to do anything until it’s too late. Tell her you know. Who knows the chat can save your marriage. Act now or repent later.
asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 11:02 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I don't want to divorce her. I love her very much. I just want this to stop before it goes any further.
Then you have enough to confront her now.
I make edits, words is hard
Rufus ( New Member #75754) posted at 11:19 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I may be off base here, but I thought Ashley Madison was a clearinghouse for no strings attached sex. I did not think people went there for conversation. If that is right, then I don't think you have to wonder about much here. Apparently she is dtf, as they say.
LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 11:34 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
I may be off base here, but I thought Ashley Madison was a clearinghouse for no strings attached sex. I did not think people went there for conversation. If that is right, then I don't think you have to wonder about much here. Apparently she is dtf, as they say
You’re not wrong, it’s a physical hook up site, wayward use AM for physical and it costs a lot of money to use the chat feature. If you can’t find receipts for AM the chat feature isn’t used. It’s why it’s a predominant physical hookup site, why pay for chat when there are many other dating apps that give it for free. From what I understand the free option is make a profile send a wink that you’re interested, if you get wink back you give the other person your ‘key’ to allow them to see your naked pics and hookup contact info. The free option allows a very limited text feature, think it’s a single tweet worth of words before you run out of credits and need to pay for the chat feature, impossible to chat on the free version unless to her “chatting” is “hi”/“hi”. my wayward used AM when he wasn’t using coworkers. It’s not a chat site, it’s a place married people go to organise hookups. There are hundreds of free chat places she could have gone to but she went straight to AM.
Easier enough to prove if she is telling the truth, receipts mean chat was used, go to her profile and see if there are winks ( winks mean naked pics shared and hookups or planned hookups made.)
When you confront please do not do the pick me dance, your devotion shines through in your posts but if you play the pick me dance, take responsibility for this and rush into R by going straight to MC. nothing will be solved, empathy and ownership won’t happen and next time she will be more creative and take her cheating deeper underground. She needs to fix her issues herself before you work on the marriage or you will give clear signals that no matter what she does you are happy to be Plan B.
[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 5:59 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]
I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021
Ashley Madison is a site that encourages infidelity, it was in a high profile news before because of high profile members were exposed.
It is highly likely that your wife had previous hook ups.
You love her very much but her action towards you states otherwise.
[This message edited by beb252 at 11:51 PM, Thursday, July 1st]
nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021
Cdean, can you figure out when she first opened the account? Do that before you confront her. What if it was months or years ago? If so, she's been getting physical with OM for that long.
No matter what you find or she says, get a STD test. Google polygraphs in your area and plan to ask her to take one to verify that whatever she says is the truth after confronting her. Google CSATs in your area. She could be a sex addict. A CSAT will need to work with her to figure that out. Order a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for yourself and a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" for the both of you. Look for ICs for yourself and avoid MC.
Having this information in hand will make things go smoother in the aftermath of confrontation regardless of what she does.
Cdean72 (original poster New Member #79045) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
Update on my situation. My wife came clean about the guy. As we had a conversation about some things. Even though that didn't stop her from still checking her Ashley Madison account when I wasn't around. Her 1st back to work she texted him. Which I took a picture of. The next couple of days we had were real good since we were doing something for our youngest daughter. She ends up telling me she see how serious I was about us and her reasons for doing what see did was that she felt alone and I wasn't there when she really needed me. A few days later she tells me that she told the guy that they could no longer be friends. Which I didn't believe until I saw that she told her best friend about it. It pissed me off though that she lied about how they met. We seem to be in a healing stage right now. But I still ask myself should I just her with everything I know or not?
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 9:38 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
You stated that she is on an internet site designed to hook up those that want to cheat on their significant other. Is she still on it? If so, I don't understand why you haven't confronted her. If you want to move forward with your wife, better get everything out in the open and start taking real steps so that the two of you can work on reconciliation. Do you think your initial affair is somehow at this point in time giving her license to pursue other men?
You and she have a pile of work to do. DO NOT rug sweep this episode. As a condition to reconciliation, she must get off Ashley Madison. She must end contact with those that she met on that site. Full disclosure and full transparency by both of you, including electronic devices.
You both need counseling. While immediately seeing an MC is generally not a good idea in dealing with infidelity, I would think that a good MC versed in that area might be appropriate in your case because she still may be dealing with your infidelity.
Finally, what makes you believe she hasn't been physical with her Ashley Madison contact or some other man?
Good luck to you. Do not rug sweep.
[This message edited by src9043 at 3:43 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
J0ck ( Member #47763) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
NEVER give up your source's.
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 9:58 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
Although you're tempted to forget and forgive because you think you caught it in time - DON'T.
She's high risk to repeat.
She needs to address what's broken inside her to advertise herself on a web site for adultery.
Her lack of morals, her lack of concern for you and for her marriage, her lack of concern for the grandkids and blowing up family harmony.
She needs IC to discover why she did that.
Her excuse is silly. Lots of people feel alone or that there spouse isn't available - but they don't have an affair. Nor do they tempt themselves by advertising and seeing what's available on the Internet.
Your wife's excuse is to blame you (typical when caught) rather than hold herself accountable.
Clearly she has a close GF to talk to.
Her real motivation is very different and not something she does not want to admit to you.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:01 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
Before granting her a second chance, insist she prove that she's a safe partner. She also needs to earn the second chance in order to appreciate it.
Since she's been deceitful, inform her you no longer trust her or accept her promises or her description of the affair.
Insist she provide a timeline of her affair.
When it started, each contact, who she chatted with, what pictures were exchanged, what they discussed (you, meeting for sex) and how she felt afterward when she saw you.
Did her GF or anyone else approve or encourage this?
To encourage her to not withhold information, inform her that the timeline will be subject to a polygraph - and will address if this is her first time or if there was anyone else since married.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:09 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 10:23 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
We seem to be in a healing stage right now. But I still ask myself should I just her with everything I know or not?
You can't heal from the issue until you dig deeper to find out why it happened at all. The whole "you weren't there for me" and "I needed someone to talk to" are nothing but excuses to feel good about cheating. You did NOT make her seek out other men.
I agree that you need to tell her about the AM account and it needs to be shut down asap. And then individual counseling for you; don't go to marital counseling just yet, the marriage can't work if she has issues.
guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 11:00 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
Don't buy her blameshifting. And don't rugsweep just in case she looks like she wants to R.
You can imply that you know more, but don't explain exactly what you know and how. Otherwise, you can't measure her honesty and sincerity. It is important that she confesses everything herself.
Ask her to write a detailed timeline. With whom she flirted, dated, had an EA or PA?
Tell her that the information she will write will be tested with a polygraph and at this stage her being dishonest is worse than telling you the worst truths.
Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 11:45 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021
Brother, you have many questions, you list them here, what your feelings; are yet won’t communicate with her about these.
Tell her you know about Ashley Madison account and you are off to be tested for STDs as well as STIs. Regardless of her denials, blame shifting and gaslighting.
It could be at the sex level already.
Keep ‘Mr Anger’ in check at all times. But you have to get the communication going before you let her go to the hotel and bang her AP.
Then say I should have spoken up before the sex.
You can salvage this.
One day at a time.
fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
Just my take and others may disagree, but IMO you cannot move forward to two reasons. First she is giving you the same cliched blameshiftng we see all the time. Feeling ignored, unloved, disconnected in your M is never a justification for cheating on your spouse. Millions of people feel unloved, ignored, or disconnected in their M every day, but they never cheat. They are committed to their vows. If you try to move forward when she has this mindset you are just headed for more hurt and infidelity. What happens the next time you forget to take out the garbage or disappoint her in some way. Boom! Back to AM she goes. She needs to address her brokenness in how she can rationalize cheating on her H.
The second reason is that a M can not move forward buried in secrets and harboring festering hurt. Confront her on her lies. She needs to be honest and transparent after destroying your trust. Value yourself. You deserve better than to always have to be checking on your WW. Good luck.
[This message edited by fareast at 7:31 PM, July 19th (Monday)]
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021
We have had good times and bad. Bad due to my infidelity early on in our marriage.
What happened here? Why did you cheat? How was it handled?
Topic is Sleeping.