Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Cannot believe this has happened!

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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 6:12 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

At best duress only became a factor when she tried to end it without him telling you.

Has she said anything about her betrayal of John1’s wife?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8677535
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 TreesAreGreen (original poster New Member #79155) posted at 6:22 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

So that’s one of the things that’s annoyed me the most:

john1 - his marriage was failing it was only a matter of time

john2 - well he was separated (but still living together)

I’m then like - WTF about our marriage then……sheesh!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Iowa
id 8677543
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 6:38 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

john1 - his marriage was failing it was only a matter of time

The state of their marriage does not matter. She was a friend of his wife. If this is her current position her mindset is still wayward. Has she attempted to apologize to J1’s wife?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8677545
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 6:51 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Hi TAG,

Just to be clear, john2 was the first A correct? I believe I read that john1 A went as far back as 3 years? So john2 must have been going on for a while before that?

So when your WW had john1 to the rescue for her STD test, what happened to the result? Did it came back fine? She didn't even have the capacity to inform you that she might have been infected? She doesn't care about your well-being at all. There are STDs that are dormant on another and might infect another partner. So she kept mum on all of this despite knowing that you can get infected?

When john1 came to the rescue, is your WW still with john2? If that is the case, she was having sex with 3 guys, including you at the same time? How did she keep up with that lifestyle? Like 3 guys in her life, dividing her attention on all 3.

She claims you know everything now, but she was able to live a double/triple life for a long time. Clearly, the one who has more knowledge on all her escapades was john1, the POSOM who claims to be your friend. He was her protector/attacker from the backside, claiming to be your friend on the frontside while devouring your WW without your knowledge.

Regarding john2, I believe I haven't seen where he came from? Is he a coworker? How did your WW came to know him? How far along was their A? If john1 went as far back as 3 years, then john2 must have been going on for a long while, correct?

Also, you jumped the gun on R quickly. If your WW won't suffer any consequences for her 2 infidelities (that you know of), there's a strong possibility that it might happen again. She was able to hide all her past infidelities right under your nose. She had a triple life for a long while. It's easy for her to hide everything since she became a master of it.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677548
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 TreesAreGreen (original poster New Member #79155) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

OK, it gets a complete mess quickly doesn't it.

John2 was first he is a tradesman for the purposes of this forum a plumber. He did a job in our house and as you can tell outstayed his welcome and continued his services for 5 months......

John1 is the 'friend' who she confided in. Their affair started soon after the tests. Clear BTW

Then continued - my WW has absolutely confirmed she was entertaining all three of us at once at one point..... Yep incredible eh?

I should say J1 and J2 knew about each other but she eventually broke off with J2 as J1 is the jealous type...... You couldn't make this up could u.

As for J1 wife she wanted to apologise but the OBS wants nothing to do with my WW ever again! Oh and nor me either which I felt a tad harsh but up to her.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Iowa
id 8677557
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 7:37 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I'm not sure what your WW was thinking. Despite having an STD scare with J2, she still went on the A with him? And added j1 to the mix which made an STD infection rate much greater. Wow! That's a tough call!

What was the reason for j1's D with his wife? Does this have anything to do with the A or some other things? Because if it's because of the A with your WW then your WW is definitely a homewrecker.

What about J2's spouse? Did she knew what was going on? What caused the affair with J2? How did your WW kept this secret for so long despite having an STD scare? Didn't she even got scared that you might catch an STD yourself?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677560
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 7:54 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

All the sleuthing you had to do here... first off well done being persistent and getting a confession.

Your wife is a cool one. She denied it all in the face of new evidence after new evidence. Cheats on you and lie right to your face about it. Takes a cold, selfish, cruel personality to do that to your spouse.

says she'll do anything I want to make it right

Will she? Well then...

Does an open marriage appeal to you? That's what you've had for several years and it's likely what you'll have going forward. If you stay with her and she's again running around with her boyfriends, get yourself a girlfriend.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8677562
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 7:55 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

It’s a little strange that she would reach out to J1 over an STD scare. Why your best friend who would be a risk to blowing her cover? Why not a friend or family member of hers? Someone she could hope would keep her secret. Why reach out to anyone at all? If the test comes back clear, bullet dodged, she doesn’t have to tell anyone.

Seems to make more sense that she was already having sex with both of them, so she figured there was a chance she would have to tell J1 anyway if the test came back positive. So when she needed support from someone who would keep her secret he was her only option.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8677563
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Sorry man but like most you probably only know the tip of the iceberg.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677566
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jujuchrist ( New Member #78594) posted at 8:38 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Seems to make more sense that she was already having sex with both of them, so she figured there was a chance she would have to tell J1 anyway if the test came back positive. So when she needed support from someone who would keep her secret he was her only option.

This.

Sorry, but the version she gave you is not logical.

She is cheating on you with john2. At that moment it is not logical to inform john1 who was YOUR friend and could have told you everything between her and john2.

The reality is that maybe by telling you this version, she is trying to cover the fact that the story with john1 was much much older (maybe even during your whole marriage, because at the beginning, john1 was her ex if I understood everything correctly).

The 3 years story is huge, but it could be much worse.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 2:40 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

Julien

posts: 40   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8677569
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barkplugs ( New Member #74667) posted at 10:08 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

She was doing all three of you at once?

Either you guys are no longer aligned in the morals department or she’s a very broken person.

Add in length of affair… do you honestly believe you could get past this?

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2020
id 8677587
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:14 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Your WW started an A because she likes the compliments some random guy was giving her and she only cares about herself.. Any other reasons she gave you is Bullshit. It has nothing to do with you and your marriage

Your WW started an A with John1 because she likes the compliments you “friend” was giving her and she only cares about herself. He figured that your WW was easy, so why not? This has nothing to do with STD or seeking support for D or what not. Seriously, if you were worried about getting an STD, would you ask your wife’s best friend?

Your WW having an A with your best friend is called a double betrayal.

To get out of infidelity, you’ll eventually have to decide whether your WW can repair herself and try to R, or go for D. Either way, talk to a lawyer and get tested for STD.

You probably don’t know the full story. Why does your WW go to your friend for confort? They could have slept together in the past even before marriage when you were dating. Throughout your story, your WW only admitted to what you know, nothing more.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1435   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8677588
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 10:34 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Basically, what happened was, your WW started an affair with J2 during the period when J2 was doing some modifications/upgrade at your home. They started an affair which went on for a while. WW had an STD scare, she confided with your POSOM 'friend' J1. WW and J1 went to schedule for STD test for your WW. When the results came negative, J1 decided to join the mix.

J2 and WW continued their A for a while. J1 of course joined in. J2 got to know J1 was also having fun with WW. So the two AP's knew that your WW was cheating on both of them. While of course you're kept in the dark, for 3 years.

J1 decided to keep your WW for himself so he talked with WW to break it off with J2. While he's also trying to fix his own marriage. After J2 was gone, J1 was the exclusive AP. While you're still kept in the dark.

When you started to feel odd, your WW only admitted to having held hands with J1. You only got to know the 'truth' on D-Day2.

Then continued - my WW has absolutely confirmed she was entertaining all three of us at once at one point..... Yep incredible eh?

I'm not sure if your WW is mentally tough or mentally broken to keep this going for a long time. I can't even imagine how she prepares herself to entertain 3 guys while keeping one or at least two of them in the dark. I'm pretty sure after J1 knew about it, he decided to become the main guy thus he talked with your WW to break it off with J2.

Be prepared for a lot of love bombs, unlimited sex and promising you everything she can give now that she's outed herself. Or at least she outed herself for the 'truth' she gave you. I'm pretty sure she has more to come. Be prepared for that too.

This is not her first or second A. A mentality with that kind is so deep, you can't even gauge how she was able to hold on for that long. In fact, you might still be kept in the dark if you have not discovered her infidelities until now. She only shows remorse because she got caught. Which is a normal reaction for WW's.

About your worries that she might lose her life's work (license, bar) or anything for that matter and she might not find a decent job after being outed from her line of work. You don't have to worry about that. She did it to herself. You never know, somebody might have or will be reporting her already. There are 2 OBS's that we know of. J1 OBS surely despises your WW more than anyone in the world because she treated her as her friend for a long time. J2 OBS might also join in and will report her. There's a lot of factors at play here. The word might not come from you at all.

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 10:41 PM, Thursday, July 22nd]

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677594
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 10:34 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

This whole thing is a bottomless pit of trickle truth and ultra pain and agony.

I don't understand how there is any basis for moving forward with this woman at this time. There is just an endless pile of revelation and growing betrayals.

We started out with "we were talking" and now we have the admission that there were three at once with one AP jealous of the other AP. It started out that she is a religious person and find out she's bathsheba. I wonder if she was told to shut out the BS from any sexual activity.

This is just too much for me.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8677592
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

TAG,

Another point why should you care if this tread is found by anyone?

The shame and dirtiness is not on you but on WW and OM1 and OM2, or are there more?

You would be justified in putting up posters and billboards with the OMs pictures and their stories. Spray paint their cars and tell em to call the cops.

Did you ever get a refund on the money paid to the tradesman for his work, I'm serious about this.

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8677625
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:54 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Don't feel pressured to make a decision to R or D. Take all the time you need (90 days to years).

IMO your wife has not told you the entire truth.

She's trying to salvage her marriage and will withhold information.

You should inform her that additional details may/will make it more difficult to R - but any further lying or withholding of information will guarantee Divorce.

I think you should insist on a timeline showing:

when each affair started & ended, what they talked about at each contact (e.g., you, marriage, running away together ....), where & when they met, how they communicated, and how your wife felt before, during & afterward (especially upon seeing you).

And all subject to a polygraph (to discourage withholding information).

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8677627
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 1:24 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

they divorced. This was in 2019 John seemed cut up but didn't actually ever try and persuade his wife to stop the divorce in fact his view was yep time to move on. Obviously I cared about my friends well being and he spent a fair bit of time at my house (I know, I know) we supported him through a very messy divorce.

Almost 2 years after their A started, they divorced. It is understandable why he is not so insistent on not getting a divorce and why he spends so much time at your house.

There were messages from John (fairly innocent that I could see albeit they were clearly taking the piss out of me) but the ones that floored me were from some other guy (lets

call him John2)

After the A with John1 started, the A with John2 also lasted for a long time, at least her communication with him continued for a long time. The dates you said show that.

However it was enough for me that night to basically accuse her of having an affair with John2.

We see you doing this throughout the whole story. As soon as you learned something new, you told her everything. Thus, she learns exactly what and how you know and creates her lies accordingly.

And you chose to believe the stupid excuses she made up for every lie you caught.

Logic is not a very difficult mechanism. If something looks ridiculous, it's ridiculous, if it doesn't look credible, it's a lie.

That's the biggest problem of the BSs, not because they can't see, but because they don't want to see it or choose not to see it, it seems like WSs are very skilled liars. No, they're mostly very stupid and inept liars.

So much texting with John1 was also a red flag. Maybe if you could look at those messages in more detail, you would also find messages showing their A.

I should also say here I think my wife is VERY body conscious and never been happy in a bikini etc even though I've always thought she looks great she has always been fairly insecure. Therefore any thoughts she could have been intimate with anyone else was a million miles away in my thinking

No, if she has such a complex, that's her weak spot. Compliments about her body can easily lead her astray. She probably satisfied this complex in her As as well.

I lost it and told her I had placed a tracker on her car and I know you've been lying to me. I then got the 'your wrong, stop controlling me, I knew you would do something like that so I decided to test you, my friend picked me up and we went shopping together - I did do what I said, you clearly don't trust me and I think we should separate'

Again, you disclosed all your knowledge and source and she lied stupidly.

Since all this was last year, and since her relationship with John1 has been going on for 3 years, it seems that her A with John2 continued for at least 3 more years after her A with John1 started. If it doesn't make sense for two As to go together for that long, the story might be a little different. Perhaps the A with John1 started much earlier (it could be at any time in your marriage, even before you got married) and her relationship with John2 began much later. She may have made up the story that way to find an excuse for why her A with John1 started. I'm just saying it as a possibility. Indeed, she told that stupid STD story. If it's not a stupid lie and the story is true, your WW is still stupid. What kind of idiot would seek support from her husband's best friend and then start an A instead of getting tested for a simple STD suspicion?

Obviously I was totally floored and started to scramble to save my marriage

ILYBINILWY speech is a huge red flag, something like a confession of the A, especially when you're confronting her about the A. And You started the pick me dance right away. It hasn't worked and will never work.

What he said made me wince - he just said speaking from experience himself if its time to go. Just go. Start again - don't bother trying to fix something if she wants out let her - that's what I did and I'm loads happier.

He gave surprisingly good advice. But after "start again" I guess he forgot to add "with your best friend's wife". It's a shame he didn't reveal the reason of his happiness.

She also shared some things with me that I can't write here that made me believe her

I won't ask what they were, but were they just tangible evidence or just her words?

I guess you've already learned that you can't trust a word from a proven liar.

I totally regret lying to you about meeting him

Of course not, she just regrets being caught lying a few minutes ago. If she regretted that she lied, she would not have continued to lie.

John1 and your wife have been having an affair since 2017 you should get tested for STDs etc as he was not the first affair your wife has had.

Did you find out why she informed you after all this time?

she says it started with john2 then she confided with john1 her concerns ref STD (although she claims always had protection....) - he took advantage and basically threatened to tell me if she didn't continue with him - she was I quote 'his slave'

Others are always to blame. You are guilty of her cheating on you. And John1 is also guilty of starting an A with her, because he blackmailed her.

I am also struggling with the plan B bit. She says after John2 she knew she had destroyed our marriage therefore she never saw me as an option she couldn't come clean and tried to make a go of it with John1.....then decided she wanted out of that and that's why he basically threw her under the bus as she wasn't cooperating anymore.

No, you're not even plan B.

All she said is bullshit. You didn't know anything back then. It's impossible that she thought she had destroyed her marriage and therefore she never saw you as an option. If she had ended her relationship without going to anyone else and wanted to continue the marriage, she could have done it. What she did was not out of necessity but the result of her choices. She chose other men, not you, your family, and your children. She was not compelled to do so, at any stage. She asked for it and she got what she wanted.

While she didn't see you as an option, did she see a still married man who will divorce 2 years later as an option to continue?

I guess you haven't confronted John1 about this. Does he know that you know?

Normally I wouldn't recommend contacting with APs, but I think you can confront him because he was your best friend.

Since you've been friends since your childhood, you know his family well. Expose him to his family.

After that you can cut all contact with him.

You talked to a lawyer before about divorce. Now you can start the divorce proceedings. File and serve her.

Start doing hard 180 and detach yourself from her.

Get STD and paternity tests. Maybe you'll say there's no need for a paternity test, but you don't know what to expect from a cheater, and she also needs to understand how your trust in her has eroded. You can't get that by telling her.

Ask her to get an STD test too. Let her go and have it done by herself this time. Let her know that she doesn't have to fuck with someone to get an STD test, it's enough to go to a clinic.

I wouldn't suggest you R with such a lying serial cheater. But if you want to know the whole truth, ask her to prepare a detailed timeline of her As to be subject to the polygraph test. It seems that she is constantly lying.

Good luck.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8677631
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 1:29 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

There is no surprise that you can’t believe this happened. This is some pretty twisted shit.

I can think of many adjectives for you”wife” but 8 e pet you have already thought them. But let me give you some pointers. First, duress my ass! Not for three years. She was under duress when she was doing two guys? Cmon man. At least see that you are being played. She may not have loved all of it, but she loved a lot of it. No one fucks a guy for three years because she hates it. She loved it.

She hates John 1? Really? And when was the last time she was jumping on his stick? How very convenient only after she is exposed that now she hates him. Please tell me you are not buying this narrative.

Slave? Wtf does that mean? Oh yeah, she loved it.

And speaking of narratives, she felt tainted and thought you would D her? Oh poor her. So the solution is to keep going for more, over and over again? Cmon. This is ridiculous.

Serial cheater, and you fear she will do it again? Dude, she already did it again. Her exit (sort of) from her first side piece was to take another instantly.

So let me ask. You say she is so relieved that it is now open and she can move on. So how come she kept lying to you? If she was carrying around this horrible weight, why not drop it upon being exposed? She is controlling the narrative and you are letting her do it.

Get this much straight. She is not the woman you thought you were marrying, and never was. Anyone who can lie everyday for 3.5 years is a stone sociopath. Anyone who can keep you in the dark for so long and make you feel every day that everything is normal is a stone pathological liar. Let me tell you. Sociopaths are completely capable of following the rules, but they are indifferent to the rules. Pathological liars will, if they ever accidentally found themselves telling the truth, will tell a lie just to keep their hand in. And she already has you seeing her as a victim!

There is R with the cheater. And she is monumentally a cheater. And then there is R with yourself. In order to do that, you need clear eyes. She has you in a fog of self denial. Please for your sake think about this.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8677634
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redwing6 ( Member #72593) posted at 1:55 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I'm so sorry you're here...my 1st X was a serial cheater...at least 10-15 men (not exactly sure on the body count as she admitted to differing numbers to different people). My advice at this point, with a serial cheater is RUN!!!!!! RUNN!!!!!!RUUUUUNNN!!!!! file get away

My 1st x...cheated on her 2nd husband...and is cheating on her 3rd...all multiple times. Serials never, ever learn...

BH 58,
WW #2 D'd after 6month EA who scammed her out of our life savings
WW #1 51 since remaired twice continues to cheat even today
WW #2 Refuses to admit she wrecked our marriage
DD adult 32
DSD adult 33
DSS adult 30

posts: 248   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2020   ·   location: Savannah, GA
id 8677639
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 2:51 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I've asked her where her heads at and she keeps saying give it time

After her huge betrayals, she doesn't even know where her head is and wants more time, based on this alone you should file for D. She's a serial cheater who has been playing russian roulette with your health by exposing you to STDs/STIs, very possible this was not her 2 first rodeos and that you only know the tip of the iceberg, she's light years from being a good candidate for R, life's too short, I agree you were not even plan B, you deserve so much better than this proven cheater and liar, RUN !!!

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:52 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8677650
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