they divorced. This was in 2019 John seemed cut up but didn't actually ever try and persuade his wife to stop the divorce in fact his view was yep time to move on. Obviously I cared about my friends well being and he spent a fair bit of time at my house (I know, I know) we supported him through a very messy divorce.
Almost 2 years after their A started, they divorced. It is understandable why he is not so insistent on not getting a divorce and why he spends so much time at your house.
There were messages from John (fairly innocent that I could see albeit they were clearly taking the piss out of me) but the ones that floored me were from some other guy (lets
call him John2)
After the A with John1 started, the A with John2 also lasted for a long time, at least her communication with him continued for a long time. The dates you said show that.
However it was enough for me that night to basically accuse her of having an affair with John2.
We see you doing this throughout the whole story. As soon as you learned something new, you told her everything. Thus, she learns exactly what and how you know and creates her lies accordingly.
And you chose to believe the stupid excuses she made up for every lie you caught.
Logic is not a very difficult mechanism. If something looks ridiculous, it's ridiculous, if it doesn't look credible, it's a lie.
That's the biggest problem of the BSs, not because they can't see, but because they don't want to see it or choose not to see it, it seems like WSs are very skilled liars. No, they're mostly very stupid and inept liars.
So much texting with John1 was also a red flag. Maybe if you could look at those messages in more detail, you would also find messages showing their A.
I should also say here I think my wife is VERY body conscious and never been happy in a bikini etc even though I've always thought she looks great she has always been fairly insecure. Therefore any thoughts she could have been intimate with anyone else was a million miles away in my thinking
No, if she has such a complex, that's her weak spot. Compliments about her body can easily lead her astray. She probably satisfied this complex in her As as well.
I lost it and told her I had placed a tracker on her car and I know you've been lying to me. I then got the 'your wrong, stop controlling me, I knew you would do something like that so I decided to test you, my friend picked me up and we went shopping together - I did do what I said, you clearly don't trust me and I think we should separate'
Again, you disclosed all your knowledge and source and she lied stupidly.
Since all this was last year, and since her relationship with John1 has been going on for 3 years, it seems that her A with John2 continued for at least 3 more years after her A with John1 started. If it doesn't make sense for two As to go together for that long, the story might be a little different. Perhaps the A with John1 started much earlier (it could be at any time in your marriage, even before you got married) and her relationship with John2 began much later. She may have made up the story that way to find an excuse for why her A with John1 started. I'm just saying it as a possibility. Indeed, she told that stupid STD story. If it's not a stupid lie and the story is true, your WW is still stupid. What kind of idiot would seek support from her husband's best friend and then start an A instead of getting tested for a simple STD suspicion?
Obviously I was totally floored and started to scramble to save my marriage
ILYBINILWY speech is a huge red flag, something like a confession of the A, especially when you're confronting her about the A. And You started the pick me dance right away. It hasn't worked and will never work.
What he said made me wince - he just said speaking from experience himself if its time to go. Just go. Start again - don't bother trying to fix something if she wants out let her - that's what I did and I'm loads happier.
He gave surprisingly good advice. But after "start again" I guess he forgot to add "with your best friend's wife". It's a shame he didn't reveal the reason of his happiness.
She also shared some things with me that I can't write here that made me believe her
I won't ask what they were, but were they just tangible evidence or just her words?
I guess you've already learned that you can't trust a word from a proven liar.
I totally regret lying to you about meeting him
Of course not, she just regrets being caught lying a few minutes ago. If she regretted that she lied, she would not have continued to lie.
John1 and your wife have been having an affair since 2017 you should get tested for STDs etc as he was not the first affair your wife has had.
Did you find out why she informed you after all this time?
she says it started with john2 then she confided with john1 her concerns ref STD (although she claims always had protection....) - he took advantage and basically threatened to tell me if she didn't continue with him - she was I quote 'his slave'
Others are always to blame. You are guilty of her cheating on you. And John1 is also guilty of starting an A with her, because he blackmailed her.
I am also struggling with the plan B bit. She says after John2 she knew she had destroyed our marriage therefore she never saw me as an option she couldn't come clean and tried to make a go of it with John1.....then decided she wanted out of that and that's why he basically threw her under the bus as she wasn't cooperating anymore.
No, you're not even plan B.
All she said is bullshit. You didn't know anything back then. It's impossible that she thought she had destroyed her marriage and therefore she never saw you as an option. If she had ended her relationship without going to anyone else and wanted to continue the marriage, she could have done it. What she did was not out of necessity but the result of her choices. She chose other men, not you, your family, and your children. She was not compelled to do so, at any stage. She asked for it and she got what she wanted.
While she didn't see you as an option, did she see a still married man who will divorce 2 years later as an option to continue?
I guess you haven't confronted John1 about this. Does he know that you know?
Normally I wouldn't recommend contacting with APs, but I think you can confront him because he was your best friend.
Since you've been friends since your childhood, you know his family well. Expose him to his family.
After that you can cut all contact with him.
You talked to a lawyer before about divorce. Now you can start the divorce proceedings. File and serve her.
Start doing hard 180 and detach yourself from her.
Get STD and paternity tests. Maybe you'll say there's no need for a paternity test, but you don't know what to expect from a cheater, and she also needs to understand how your trust in her has eroded. You can't get that by telling her.
Ask her to get an STD test too. Let her go and have it done by herself this time. Let her know that she doesn't have to fuck with someone to get an STD test, it's enough to go to a clinic.
I wouldn't suggest you R with such a lying serial cheater. But if you want to know the whole truth, ask her to prepare a detailed timeline of her As to be subject to the polygraph test. It seems that she is constantly lying.