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Just Found Out :
Work Affair

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 ungebrochen (original poster new member #79123) posted at 7:24 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Hello Everyone,

I found out 2 weeks ago that my wife was having an affair with a colleague from our work place. We work at the same place but in different departments and the guy is in another department.

We have been married 5 years and together for 11. We have two kids (1,4) and I was a mess.

We have decided to stay together and I know its been a short time but she genuinely seems up for it and that our relationship is important to her. It is very much important to me which is what made all of this so hard to begin with. We start MC this week and she has been receiving help for her depression which was one of the driving factors for this affair.

I have yet to seek personal help even though I know I need to as I don't know how to take a break from my duties as a father or husband to get help.

She was away from me for accouple days after I found out as she was a risk to herself and they wouldn't let her leave.

It was during this time I felt the worst. I wanted my wife to be okay and I wanted us to be okay and its when I decided I would fight for this.

A big concern going forward is the forced interaction I have with the guy involved in this. I currently don't trust myself to go near work and am working from home but I can only do that for so long.

I am not sure what I want from this SI but it feels good to know I am not alone and to tell my story.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8675204
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Generally, the more information you provide the better more targeted the advice.

For example,

- who is the OM, how they meet, how did they communicate

- how did you find out

- what was your wife's justification

- is he married

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:44 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8675215
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Has she left her job?

A big concern going forward is the forced interaction I have with the guy involved in this. I currently don't trust myself to go near work and am working from home but I can only do that for so long

Report his ass to HR.

We start MC this week

It’s much to early for MC. Many marriage counselors treat infidelity as just another marriage problem, i.e. something both partners are responsible for and advocate rugsweeping. Any counselor MC or IC should be carefully vetted on their views on infidelity.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8675216
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 7:52 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

You are not responsible for the hundreds of decisions she made leading up to the affair. She is 100% responsible. Whatever her problems/issues she had other options besides an affair.

Second, as long as there is any contact (visually or socially) the affair will continue in her head. Therefore, she must change jobs.

Third, consider exposing the OM. Maybe he'll change jobs; otherwise you need to leave.

Fourth, your wife needs to provide you with a written timeline of her affair (when it started, how often and where, what they talked about, what she was feeling before during and after each contact..).

Fifth, tears, self hate, shame etc are no guarantee that she won't repeat years later with another guy. She needs to fix herself.

Sixth, It's important for her healing that she earns R. Do not give her the gift of R until she proves through actions that she is a safe partner.

It's too soon for you to decide to R or D. Give yourself at least 90 days. And in the interim she can prove she needs a second chance.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8675217
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 ungebrochen (original poster new member #79123) posted at 7:54 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

- who is the OM, how they meet, how did they communicate

They communicated via voice calls our work has set up (teams)

- how did you find out

His wife contacted my wife and then she told me about it although not everything at once. I confronted her and then she confessed everything.

- what was your wife's justification

she claims she was depressed and this guy was a better listener. They have had very long phone calls during the work day.

- is he married

Yes he is and this is his 2nd time being caught in an affair.

Has she left her job?

She hasn't

Report his ass to HR.

It would mean my wife loses her job and that would add another burden to us as we look to reconcile.

The person who we are going with has a lot of good reviews on this subject so I am hopeful that it goes well.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8675219
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 7:55 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

If she threatens or hints at suicide or harming herself, call the police or medics. Have her committed to a hospital for observation.

Neither you or her family are qualified to 'treat' her mental/emotional problems.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8675221
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 ungebrochen (original poster new member #79123) posted at 8:00 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

She was committed the day after DD.

She is currently NC with the OM and I am pretty confident there is no residual feelings.

I appreciate all of the words so far and am taking them in.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8675224
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 8:00 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

First, it's too soon for you to R.

You need to give her time to prove she's a safe partner. She's deceitful so you can't believe her promises or tears. She has to prove she deserves a second chance.

Second,

she claims she was depressed and this guy was a better listener.

The above does not explain why - it's just an excuse she told herself.

Lot's of people get depressed but they don't cheat. She didn't have to talk to another man.

Is she going to cheat the next time she's depressed?

Your wife is broken inside and you need to encourage her to fix herself by not granting her the gift of R prematurely.

I get it you have kids etc. But you still need to motivate her to fix herself and rebuild your trust before agreeing to R.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:01 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8675225
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

His wife contacted my wife and then she told me about it although not everything at once. I confronted her and then she confessed everything.

Confused. The His wife told you about it or she "made" your wife tell you all about it? Have you spoken to the OBS?

posts: 2803   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8675232
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 ungebrochen (original poster new member #79123) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Confused. The His wife told you about it or she "made" your wife tell you all about it? Have you spoken to the OBS?

His wife contacted my wife initially asking about the relationship and what it was. OBS then contacted me and informed me they there was at least EA and suspected physical affair occurring.

This lead me to confronting my wife and getting her to confess. I spoke to OBS after that to inform her of the nature of the affair and that is all the contact I have had.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8675233
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

IMHO - and I'll try to be gentle.

You and OBS need to talk. That's where you'll most likely learn a lot more than you already do.

You need to get tested for STDs ASAP [even if you are told this in "only" an EA].

You probably should talk to an attorney - many offer free consults] - just to know what your options look like.

I strongly recommend taking this to HR. Sadly, the chips will fall where they may. Actions have consequences.

Any hint or inclination of suicide, etc. call 911 and let the professionals handle it.

Get IC for you and for her. And keep going.

Document, document, document. That way it won't keep swirling around your brain. You can document what you know and file away for when you ready and/or need to review it. It will also keep those details fresh and sharp without you having to constantly re-live them so you won't forget any detail. God forbid you need them legally, you have them.

I caution you to believe all the sudden she is NC, has no feelings and life can go on as normal before the A. For most of us who have BTDT - that is delusional.

And, I say this very gently, brace yourself. Because there is the possibility [maybe even probability] you don't know all of it. TT is a thing. And right now, you only know what she's confessed/admitted to. If you are a betting person - odds are there is more to discover.

Now - be gentle with yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup. You need to be there for your children. At 2 weeks fresh off a DDay it is a miracle you even know your own name.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3269   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8675234
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 8:28 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

So sorry, both you and your WW need to be tested for STDs and STIs. As the OM has been with other sexual partners and may have passed on a infection.

It sounds like your WW was in residential care after the discovery.

Take your time in commits to R so soon. Your emotions will rise and fall many times during the day.

Remember she actively participated in the A. Lied to you and your children, as she made conscious decisions to get to the physical level of the A.

How long did the emotional side of the A go before it went physical.

I understand she isn’t in a good place mentally right now but she will need to tell you everything so get her compile a timeline of the A.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8675237
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 8:28 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

R upfront without thinking, jumping into MC (the marriage isn’t broken she is).

Her OM is still in close proximity.

Take out the OM (inform company HR) and inform his wife if he’s marred or you are wasting your time.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:29 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675239
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 8:32 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

The predators have the sixth sense. So she gave him the blue print (i.e. what as she see it is missing in the marriage). All the POS has to do is match his responses and pretend he cares. WW thinks he is a great listener and caring person

posts: 773   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8675242
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

You are jumping several steps. Please listen to the guidance on here. Most BS love their spouses otherwise this wouldn't be so painful...many have kids which are also a real consideration but you should NEVER use these reasons take shortcuts. Maybe reconciliation is possible down the road, but it is WAY too early to determine that. If you think you know better, you will likely pay for this...and it will be much worse.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8675243
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Your WW should be actively pursuing other employment. If contact continues the affair continues. Plus you being forced to work with her affair partner is cruel and unacceptable. She should be doing everything possible to avoid putting you through that.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8675253
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I agree you are jumping several steps and that will never work. You can’t go “directly to R”. This is a slow painstaking process. We can help you.

Btw, MC right away is not a good place to start.

You EACH should be in Individual Counseling (IC) for 3-6 months at least before starting MC. Please don’t jump right to MC. That person will be trying to fix a Marriage not fix 2 broken individuals.

What was the nature of their relationship. Was it solely emotional? Was it physical. To what extent?

You should make no guarantees or promises. Only promise you should make is to yourself that you will not try to rush and fix this, but take your time and decide what your path is.

If she picked up a revolver and shot you in the chest, would you rush to reconcile? Hell no. You’d work to heal your wound if that’s even possible. She has emotionally done the same thing. You are wounded and need to focus on that.

They say 2-5 years to recover a relationship from infidelity. You are in the first few days on that path. And it sounds like she has lots of issues to work thru.

Stay w us here and keep posting. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience here for you to tap into.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8675258
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 1:30 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Unge,

If you can get the OM fired, this will have less of a financial effect on your family.

Especially if her was a supervisor of your WWs, threaten a lawsuit against the company.

posts: 1042   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8675332
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:44 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

Sorry for you are here.

You seem to have the impression that your WW is taking the right steps. But you're just in the beginning and you could be wrong. You don't know the whole truth yet, you only have your WW's explanations. Don't make premature decisions until you know the whole truth. She's a proven cheater and liar. You can't trust her words.

Don't take her tears or pleadings as a sign of sincerity and remorse, she may shed unbelievable tears but that's just for herself and because she was caught.

We start MC this week and she has been receiving help for her depression which was one of the driving factors for this affair.

Don't start MC. They just question your mistakes that caused her to cheat on you. There is full of idiots who don't know that choosing to cheat is a personal disorder. That's what needs to be treated first. You should both start IC.

I confronted her and then she confessed everything.

Are you sure that she confessed everything? Your source is your WW, a proven cheater and liar. Do you have any concrete evidence that confirms what she said and nothing more?

she claims she was depressed and this guy was a better listener.

Better than who? You?

It seems from your sentence that you didn't even aware of she was depressed. Did she really try to tell you and you didn't listen? Or has she never tried? If second, how can she say he was better listener?

What was there that she couldn't tell you but could tell him, did she tell you later?

It would mean my wife loses her job and that would add another burden to us as we look to reconcile.

NC is a must. AP or your WW, someone has to quit their job.

She was committed the day after DD.

She is currently NC with the OM and I am pretty confident there is no residual feelings.

If it's that easy, stop loving her right now and get divorced.

Again, how can you be so sure that everything she says is true?

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8675334
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:07 AM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I agree with guvensiz.

Everything you know right now came from your WW. She's a cheater. Cheaters lie, that's a hard fact. The probability that it was physical was very high since they are in close proximity within each other. In fact, they were also able hide their A even if you're also within close proximity with them, both at work and at home. Don't believe that it was only an EA so you should have your STD tests immediately. That's a condition for your wife before you should do anything physical with her again.

All the issues that your wife threw at you, I believe you just heard it the first time. These are all made up lies. She has no reason to cheat that's why she's trying to make up scenarios as an excuse. She can't claim that you don't have time for her since you're always together, again, both at home and at work.

They were able to hide all what's going on between them, for a long time while you're also within close proximity to both of them all the time. What makes you think she's telling you the truth now? They lied to your face. It is your WW's responsibility now to prove that everything she's saying is the truth, otherwise, consider it as a lie.

All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 2:07 AM, Wednesday, July 14th]

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8675338
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