Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Found deep emotional Snapchats on her phone

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:02 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

You should carry a VAR on you all the time now. Her remark regarding calling the cops would be enough for me to take that precaution.

Get your stuff out of there ASAP. If she asks why you are moving your stuff, I would tell her point blank that you are thinking of moving out.

Contact your lawyer and get all docs prepared ASAP. Get away from this screwed-up woman before she really goes off the rails.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8677043
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 8:44 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

She threatened to call the cops on me saying I was harboring or sharing revenge porn of her

Making that porn movies with some strangers on the internet doesn't worry her that much. It seems that she finds them more reliable than you.

I suggest you carry a VAR on you at all times, you never know what she will accuse you of.

posts: 478   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8677075
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 9:16 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Your WW is a walking time bomb. Be very careful how you make your move. From what you have posted she is so delusional and unstable that her reaction to the D will probably be explosive.

The point at which she realizes her life as a gamer lay about addict is over, she might become of danger to herself or others. She is not living within the scope of reality. There are some severe mental health components in your wife's behavior. Extreme depression and ultra low self esteem are among those.

Your wife is essentially a mentally ill addict. Her behavior with that game is no different than dealing with an alcoholic or a drug addict. As a result her coming response to the D talk is unpredictable. Be ready to talk and walk with an instant clean physical separation from this toxic woman when she gets the D word.

Good luck and be very careful.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8677084
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I second the VAR (even security cameras in house). She's already thought about getting the police involved and threatened you.

It's just a short hop to calling the police and accusing you of domestic violence or threatening her.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8677106
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 Tremfya (original poster New Member #79119) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I am just focusing on making a solid list of assets and getting some more stuff out this weekend. Then I can go back to the attorney with better valuations and requests and move on to the next step of writing up a dissolution.

I'm looking at grabbing a VAR also this weekend.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8677399
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 11:32 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Good idea about the VAR. keep it on yourself every time you interact with WW. Look at what she said about reporting you to the police about the revenge porn bit.

You are doing very well, but take good care of yourself both physically and mentally.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8677609
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 Tremfya (original poster New Member #79119) posted at 11:52 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the support everyone. I've made a pretty good asset list and next appointment to start writing up dissolution papers is in early August. When I met earlier this week I was still on the fence about separation&counseling vs dissolution, but a few days to think about it has helped my decision.

Yes I agree with most of the people here, she has mental health issues and I think the last year of family member and 2 animals dying, and then losing her job has crushed her and brought on more. She kind of always has been a hoarder, which is a long standing issue since we got married. Her favorite activity pre-covid was to just go thrift store/discount store shopping and buy shit. She was pretty crafty and had fantastic ideas about so much, I just noticed really fast that after our wedding she didn't want to do anything with it anymore. I told her one time I felt she checked out overall as soon as she was married. There was just no desire, and literally most of a JoAnn Fabrics store upstairs sitting unused, now for 3 years. She has 2 rooms packed (one is only able to open the door, boxes stacked almost to ceiling) and I was told by her "don't fucking touch it, you don't know what it's worth, I'll sell it/go through it just give me time!".

Not much gives me anxiety, but all that stuff does. She wanted a kid and I told her "where the hell are we going to put it" and she literally rolled her eyes at me. I said "no seriously, I'm not giving up my office because it's the most clear room, we have to get rid of all the shit in one of the other rooms." This was like 2 years ago now it was first brought up. I asked her very calmly and nicely to start going through ONE room, offered to help, take pictures, list items for sale, whatever she needed, just that WE start working on it and make progress so that WE can have a kid and move on in our relationship. 3 months, nothing. 6 months, door hasn't even been opened by her ONCE since I asked. 9, 12, 15, she just doesn't give a fuck and won't even start. She started snapping when I asked at 3 and 6 months "I'll get to it don't rush me!" or "stop asking it just gives me anxiety and I won't want to!" after 6 fucking months already of not touching it once.

This is where I started to get mean and distant in her eyes. I was fed up and bitter already doing 95% of the house chores and upkeep and taking care of animals for pretty much our whole relationship. I worked more hours than her every week and still took the time to do this so our house wouldn't look like shit, inside and out, all the yard work and gardening too. The pandemic meant I was doing all the shopping now (and paying for it, we used to split most trips). She was working from home and didn't give a fuck to help with normal adult stuff that comes with owning a house, and well, having an adult life. But the ONE thing I tell her I need help with is just completely ignored and I get yelled at for asking whats going on.

I could go on for a long time of all the normal adult shit I've had to ask her to do over the years and she just fought with me instead. Or she would have a comment about how something was done (but she would never do the chore/cook/project herself), so I told her to stop back-seat driving the relationship. If you have a problem with how I take care of it then DO SOMETHING about it, don't just complain and get mad when I don't immediately do it to your standards, especially when you would never even do that task in the first place.

But still none of this justifies her response. If she felt that alone and hurt, she had so much opportunity to just TELL ME, and we could have gone to counseling, instead she wanted to find someone else. Thats where I feel there is no chance with counseling and just need to leave and be on my own now.

I am starting to feel glad I found out because it made me step back and look at the last few years and really question if I was happy and I haven't been. It was the straw that broke my back.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8678055
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:23 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

Hi Tremfya,

It seems like you're really decided on filing for D now. Well, she didn't make any progress at all on improving her own self despite her having a pretty high education.

Have you talked about your plans with her? Does she still message her AP? Have you found any new evidence? Was she able to change her behavior for the past days when you told her you're planning on D?

Good luck and all the best on your new life!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8678064
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:49 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2021

If she felt that alone and hurt, she had so much opportunity to just TELL ME, and we could have gone to counseling, instead she wanted to find someone else.

There were multiple alternatives to an OM - but she chose to lie and reach out to another - and live that lie 24/7.

No kids - just move on.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8678128
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

I'm usually a proponent of taking time and working towards R if at all possible, but I think R would be a Herculean task in this case. Like pushing a boulder up a hill.

You're young, no kids, unhappy. A clean break is a good idea, IMO. I think it will be good for both of you.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 439   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8678488
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survrus ( Member #67698) posted at 4:38 PM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Tremfya,

Just a thought you are dealing with hoarding AND infidelity. Hoarding gets worse as time goes on usually.

Also someone I know has a wife who hoards stuff, but she also she keeps contact with past partners, yes she hoards that too. Has convince her H that it's ok as well.

Please hit the eject button.

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8678530
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 Tremfya (original poster New Member #79119) posted at 2:32 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

Talked and hired attorney, we have a meeting next week and wife needs to bring her statements to get the dissolution written up.

Later last night I tell her I have talked to an attorney and have them on retainer. I told her I know she is still adding guys on snap just in the last few days. She says they are just friends who send pictures of their day or whatever... ok... but when you are already on discord talking then why are you going to snapchat?? We all know what that app is for. And the picture she sent was just a nice headshot of her, soooo, looks like you are putting yourself out there fishing for guys and trying to start relationships still.

She is still staying up late and I'm going to bed alone. Very recently she stopped waking me up at 4am for intimacy... I said if I am working this can't be on her schedule only and I need sleep to work well, so we haven't at all, because there is no meeting in the middle with her on that.

Still hasn't looked for a job or tried anything to bring money in. She says that the house chores and trying to organize one room is too much for her to handle right now, but she still doesn't do a whole lot. Still nothing with the dishes, trash, yard, shopping, cooking, laundry, like this shit is not that hard to do there is just no desire to put the time in. And if you can't do this how the fuck am I supposed to feel OK or confident in you staying home to raise a kid?? No way!

She wants to do counseling but is worried there is probably too much resentment on both sides now, and will just stir up more emotions she is trying to get over and doesn't want that pain. I get that and feel the same.

I am not without fault in this and I recognize it. I told her a few times she is lazy as fuck and that ruins my desire for her and is severely unattractive. I said this after everything that happened the last year (covid lockdown, grandma dying, 2 cats dying, dad cancer diagnosis, and then job loss) and she was at her lowest point, which wasn't right of me. She just became bitter I was mad at her about anything at all. Then mad when she found her game and it made her happy and I was upset she still wasn't doing anything to help drive our life. She is OK with sinking dozens of hours a week into some game but can't get off her ass to support our home. I said if her depression was that bad why didn't YOU say you needed anything from your husband? Why did you decide to become bitter with me, check out and start looking for someone else?

I told her I was ready for a divorce like 3-4 months ago after a fight. She said OK and started thinking of the next step. However, since 6 months in to our marriage she pulled that card out and threatened divorce on me because of whatever reason or fight. I just had to have that hang over my head thinking at any moment she could, it was her job and I told her just go ahead and do it and file. I've heard it at least 5 times in the last 3 years, pretty much once every 6 months. But, when I am OK with it she hypocritically just wants to check out immediately, it won't hang over her head.

She doesn't think I ever asked her nicely over the last 3 years to either help me with stuff, or show some gratitude and respect for me putting the time in on my own for us and to help her. The fact I had to argue with someone to have gratitude and respect for their significant other is a telling sign in itself.

I could keep going on, we argued for an hour, but I have made my decision and really think it is for the best FOR ME more than anything. I am in a great spot to start over. She *said* she would agree to dissolution, even split, she keeps the house and her assets, I keep my cars and purchases and assets and we just end it. Only thing she will fight me over is 2 animals from my parents... if I don't let her keep them she will go for divorce, so I will not fight that.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8681467
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:21 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Any update? Have you filed your dissolution of marriage?

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8686196
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 3:15 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Have to say that when I read this thread I see an extremely dysfunctional relationship. Not that it justifies the WS decision to cheat, but based on what is shared I don’t really see how this marriage could survive without some major intervention and change.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8686207
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 3:38 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Tremya - how is the D going? YOu said you'd let her keep her house, but home prices have jumped over the past yr. I'm hoping you get a fair shake on that, and no alimony, she needs to get a job.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8686213
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

My Dad died. Then my Mother got killed in an auto vs pedestrian traffic accident. I never once considered infidelity. I didn't let my life, job and marriage go to shit either.

She seems to have a lot traits associated with addiction, anxiety, depression and impulsive behavior and resents any attempt to help her. There's just simply nothing to work with.

Getting her served with D papers seems to be taking an agonizingly long time. Having lost the shock value in that, it will be interesting to see her reaction when served.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 3:50 PM, Monday, August 30th]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8686215
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