Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Found deep emotional Snapchats on her phone

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:59 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

If her pattern of behavior has always been to lie unless confronted with proof then she is acting as one would expect.

No surprise here then. It’s just a matter of when you get tired of being lied to. How sad this has happened and has been your marriage.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8676576
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 7:24 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

She has to be made accountable and be responsible for her actions.

Just getting yelled or screamed at isn’t a marriage.

I haven’t seen that she is remorseful for what has happened.

File for D and get into IC for yourself. You are enabling her actions.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8676590
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 8:58 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

How are you doing?

Hang in there. I promise that this hell that you have been thrown into by her does get much, much better once you decide to leave.

Hope the talk with the attorney went well.

Good luck, and stay strong

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8676603
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 11:53 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

A couple of things, Tremfya.

First, your recognition of this situation has been 100% free of denial. While academically, this sounds natural, it is often anything but for the typical betrayed spouse. Kudos to you for that.

Second, affair or not, your wife is an addict. She has already told you, through actions, that she is willing to lose you for the game. It just took the discovery of the affair for you to actually believe her.

Third, I think you are absolutely right to leave her...quickly. Get your consult and file. As with most hardcore addicts, nothing changes until they hit rock bottom. The only responsibility you bear in this process is helping her get there.

Lastly, scripts are very helpful when detaching. I promise you...you are going to need this script, when she starts with the "If you loved me you would want to work on it" bovine excrement.

"I'm not leaving you because I don't love you. I'm leaving you because you don't love me."

Keep being driven.

Keep being great.

You will recover, given some time.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 587   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8676620
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 Tremfya (original poster new member #79119) posted at 2:29 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Thanks everyone for the support. Things have been amicable, as long as I don't "press her buttons" our life continues on without fanfare and I just end up doing some projects I've put off to kill some time. I meet with an attorney this afternoon for initial consultation.

I asked a dumb question Friday after she woke up at noon "Have you thought about a job yet?" and she blew up at me. When she first lost her job I told her she could do -anything- I didn't care how much it brought in, just anything. If you want to craft and sell it online, cool, just try something and see if it is viable. The idea was also to try for a kid again since I make enough to cover it. I told her "that was fine up until you sought another relationship, now I know when you have all the free time to do what you want, that is what you will try to do, so no I am not OK with you not working anymore and being home all day." She tells me she is so depressed she can't even think about what to do and hates me for just changing my mind suddenly, and starts to cry. It just all seems fake, she is depressed when it is convenient for her and her narrative. This is a bigger picture thing from the last few years whenever we argue. There is no responsibility ever taken, and I've said to her before "Everything that is wrong in your life is either because of something I did, or something I didn't do." It's always attributed to me.

The rest of the weekend was fine, I begrudgingly joined her for an event in that game (dont judge right now). I bought access almost a month ago and was just avoiding a fight the rest of the weekend, weather was shit also so it was an easy time killer. No issues and we both had a good time. But it goes back to that game, and how that is the ONLY time we are enjoying each other, either playing or talking about it. I am the only one to think and plan other activities for us, I have to be the one to come to her for anything and I just feel burnt out from being the only one to give a fuck for so long. It feels I am the only one who wants to keep improving and not just be stagnant. Maybe it's my 30's and no kids, I just am starting to question what the point of this marriage is.

But now we are at Monday. I come back to the "bigger picture" things that have been issues for over a year and I have been really unhappy. I doubt she will look for a job today. She likes to start house chores the hour I am coming home from work to show me she is doing stuff. But, after doing all this stuff for years, I know how long it takes to vacuum and do the dishes, and just wonder "what the hell else did you do with all your time today?" but if I ask I get callous responses like "why do you care?" IDK, because you did some pretty deceitful shit when you had time on your hands so I am trying to show some interest in you and see if you did anything else besides sleep in and play.

And yes she always lies or withholds details of things until confronted. Unfortunately her last line of work is exactly who I am going to need to hire, so it is in her blood. She did family law, but when she was fired she swore it all off completely and wanted to change careers. I was supportive and agreed that it ruined her personality dealing with issues like this. I know that plays into her depression, but if it is that bad then why don't you just communicate with me whats you are feeling? No, she would rather resent me for not being able to read her mind.

This weekend kind of just showed me that I don't think anything will change as long as I am around.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8676684
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Never apply any association between crying and depth of getting it. Some cry when they see a puppy and some won't shed a tear unless at their parents funeral. Crying is not any reliable measure of anything.

Additionally, most people that make bad choices become "depressed" when faced with the consequences. It is not clinical depression, it is their deep self loathing from simply making choices that they knew were wrong and for which they are both sad and mad and depressed that these came with actual consequences. Stop the bad behaviors, take full ownership, work hard to repair your relationships, offer amends to those you hurt, and all of a sudden, depression fades.

She is not safe. That is what should be your focus. Do you want a life with an unsafe, drama filled, partner. Up to you.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8676688
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Jambomo ( member #74853) posted at 5:20 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Apologies if I have missed this earlier in the thread but has she been properly diagnosed with depression? If so does she have a plan in place with health workers to get back on her feet?

Even with depression or other mental health issues, its important to be taking some steps to work on it, not just from a relationship point of view but for her own personal welfare. Sitting playing that game is just helping her avoid real world issues.

I honestly think at this point both you and her would be better off with a separation because she is using you, for financial provision but also as her emotional punchbag - turning on you when you try to address things.

At this point she needs to understand that she must get some help or support if she is really depressed or realize that on way or another she has to start behaving like an adult again, that'll only happen when she is forced to by situation and whilst you are there as a safety net, she never will.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 11:20 AM, July 19th (Monday)]

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8676732
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:15 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

Is she in therapy for depression? If not then perhaps to get her going you can offer to set it up for her. It should be her doing that but if she’s truly depressed she might not be able to bring herself to do it.

Truth is I doubt she’s depressed. But she’s wasting away in doing taking the path of least resistance.

And I’ll try not to judge but playing the game is like saying to an alcoholic, ok if you won’t discuss it, let’s just go drink and figure it out later.

She’s already living in a virtual world too much trying to escape from the real one.

Honestly until you tell her She can have that world but only without you and then work to move on without her you won’t see her even contemplate making a change. I fear you’re too willing to live with a relationship in limbo.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8676754
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

This weekend kind of just showed me that I don't think anything will change as long as I am around.

I have to agree. I don't think she will get better or even try while she has you to blame and support her.

I think her depression is taking a toll on you. Your still young. You can find an equell partner that appreciates what you do and bring to the table. I think you will be much happier without her.

Do a hard 180 and begin to detach. Get your ducks in a row for divorce.

posts: 2803   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8676761
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

I asked a dumb question Friday after she woke up at noon "Have you thought about a job yet?" and she blew up at me.

It wasn’t a dumb question. She’s doing what’s always worked for her. You’ve taught her how she can treat you.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8676762
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 Tremfya (original poster new member #79119) posted at 8:00 PM on Monday, July 19th, 2021

She is not in therapy right now, although I did bring it up that she should about a month ago. She said a few times that it is physically tough to get out of bed in the morning so she ends up sleeping more. But she had no issue whipping out her vibrator and putting in the effort to get off with another guy for hours after waking up. Thats where I think a lot of this is just for show and to fit her narrative.

I am working on getting things in line... already found a place to stay with a friend a few months and a storage unit for my stuff. Thankfully my job is solid and secure so no worries there.

I am aiming for separation and counseling for now, just to legally end support asap. If it doesn't work out then dissolution.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8676783
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Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 4:19 AM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I am working on getting things in line... already found a place to stay with a friend a few months and a storage unit for my stuff. Thankfully my job is solid and secure so no worries there.

I am aiming for separation and counseling for now, just to legally end support asap. If it doesn't work out then dissolution.

I'm glad to hear this. Be prepared for the storm that's coming when you let her know. Read all the materials in the Healing Library on NC, 180, Tactical guide, etc. Understand the reactions that you're likely to get and plan your response. Protect yourself. Get anything valuable or meaningful to you out of her reach.

She may not be at rock bottom when this hits, but she'll see what's ahead. Given her history of addiction and selfishness you should assume that any sadness, anger, grief, or regret that you see is really about her recognizing that her free ride is coming to an end. Don't accept it as anything else unless she's prepared to do a lot of work on herself and a lot of work proving to you that she is changing.

Good luck.

Me: 59, BS
Her: 58, FWS
Dday: 11/15/03
Married 37 yrs
Reconciled

posts: 77   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2021
id 8676925
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 Tremfya (original poster new member #79119) posted at 3:05 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Consult with the attorney went well, answered some questions I had and set my expectations. I am going to try for a dissolution instead of divorce, and instead of counseling/separation. My attorney said that any evidence I have of infidelity would be submitted to the court for a divorce and be attached to her name through public record, which could hurt if she wants to go back into law later. I'm not looking to ruin her life anymore than she has already, so I hope my wife agrees and will just come to terms instead of wanting to make a point and fight me.

Half my accounts and assets valuation minus debt is almost equal to the house appreciation + principal paid since marriage, so that may end up better than I thought and be pretty even. She keeps the house and I keep my accounts, which I am fine with. It would come down to if she wanted to fight over value of my collections and equipment, but my attorney understands it was all separately purchased and was my own debt that I have taken care of.

Attorney agreed there would very likely be no spousal support and the judge would tell her to go work.

Busy rest of the week with my job but I am going to start making a list this weekend of all assets and start moving some stuff to storage in case my wife wants to get destructive after the news is dropped. Need to run some numbers to make sure, but I am a bit calmer today about my decision and future outlook, although a bit anxious about the next steps and the conversation after dropping a bombshell on her. There is no easy way to confront it obviously.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8676978
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 3:46 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Sounds like a good plan. When do you Intend to confront.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:46 AM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8676989
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:57 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

There is no easy way to confront it obviously.

No. None of this is easy.

But I believe your best bet is to fight anger with firmness, and calmness. The more resolute and calm you sound, the more that she will realize(hopefully) that her go-to of being angry will be ineffectual. If you backpeddle, compromise, or do any tiptoeing, my bet is that she will pounce. Control is important to her.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3820   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8676994
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 Tremfya (original poster new member #79119) posted at 4:33 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I haven't planned when to confront... maybe after I'm back in town from the next few days. I need to tell the attorney to go ahead and start drafting dissolution papers, but I want to make sure I have a good extensive list of assets and valuations first, right? Or do I just tell my wife I intend to file for it?

I mean, she already knows I am sitting on photos and videos of her snapchats and bedroom sessions. I told her bluntly, I was holding them until counseling was resolved and we were better, or in case we went through a divorce I wanted proof of the infidelity. She was concerned why I had them saved, how they were taken, when, thought I was looking every day getting upset and I'd never get over it. Nope, looked twice, saw everything one night, then saw it was all deleted (but contact didn't end) the next night. Then I made copies and they were stashed away in secure locations. She threatened to call the cops on me saying I was harboring or sharing revenge porn of her and I straight up said "Do it right now then, call them and I will tell them why I have videos of you and we'll see what they think. There is no way to publicly access them, they are not shared in any way" Nothing happened of course.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2021
id 8677008
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:06 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

She is not in therapy right now, although I did bring it up that she should about a month ago. She said a few times that it is physically tough to get out of bed in the morning so she ends up sleeping more. But she had no issue whipping out her vibrator and putting in the effort to get off with another guy for hours after waking up. Thats where I think a lot of this is just for show and to fit her narrative.

You are correct. She’s just working you.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677020
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:10 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I haven't planned when to confront... maybe after I'm back in town from the next few days. I need to tell the attorney to go ahead and start drafting dissolution papers, but I want to make sure I have a good extensive list of assets and valuations first, right? Or do I just tell my wife I intend to file for it?

Why confront? You know the score. I wouldn’t waste my time.

Get your plans worked out to the last detail then file. Let her figure it out.

Confrontation at this point isn’t going to get you much. Hell she knows what she’s been up to.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677023
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:12 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

You do need to read up on No Contact. If you want out this you’ll need to cut her off. If not it’ll just prolong your stay in this BS.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677025
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 5:33 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I haven't planned when to confront... maybe after I'm back in town from the next few days. I need to tell the attorney to go ahead and start drafting dissolution papers, but I want to make sure I have a good extensive list of assets and valuations first, right? Or do I just tell my wife I intend to file for it?

It really sounds like you've got a good plan. I don't see the point of not confronting your STBX. Once you've decided that you're really done, there's no point in poking the bear. She'd just be fixated on her outrage about how you didn't even tell her, blah, blah, blah. Just be calm, but FIRM. If she gets angry or emotional, walk away... "We can talk when you're calm, but I'm not going to change my mind."

Remember that you are in control, and you don't need her understanding or even her cooperation to end this marriage.

Don't worry. You'll do just fine.

posts: 4530   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8677029
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