I’ve been with my wife for 7 years. Married for a year and a half. Same sex couple. Last month she came home and told me that she hasn’t been happy for quite some time. That she doesn’t know if it can be fixed because it has to do with her. She said I am perfect and treat her like gold. I am of course, thrown way off at this point because up until this point, we have never had any serious issues at all. We have even been trying to have kids the last few months. The only thing I had noticed was that for the last few weeks, she had been more disengaged and on her phone more, but I looked past it because I’ve literally had no worries in our entire time together. I asked her if there was someone else, she said no, I promise there is not. We spent the night emotionally holding each other saying that we wanted to work things out between us.
We went to bed that night cuddling. I got this awful feeling in my gut and for the first time ever, invaded her privacy. I dragged her Apple watch screen down and saw a text for a guy that I knew she met a few weeks prior. I clicked and quickly scrolled, and saw obvious flirting between them. I snapped. Woke her up and started freaking out, crying and she just went still as a statue. In shock that THIS is how this was coming out. She ended up telling me (after much prompting) that she had met up with him once and had sex with him after only talking to him for about a week. But that she had zero intention of ever seeing him again and had been planning to cut ties entirely and also was going to tell me when she got the nerve to because she’s never lied to me before and it was eating away at her. I told her to end it before I got involved and she told me she would and to let her deal with it.
I told her I could try and forgive her but it would take time. We went to bed that night extremely emotional (yes she cried her eyes out eventually and apologized a lot stating how big of a mistake it was and how she was using him as a distraction because she has been so unhappy with the lock down and me working so much and (excuses that shouldn’t have led to cheating).
The next day was very emotional. That night I looked again at her watch and they had been talking throughout the day. I flipped again on her. I was so angry. Another very emotionally charged conversation occurred. She said she was dealing with it but needed time to make sure she didn’t end up with a stalker. Shit part here is this guy knows allllllll of the people we know. So not random at all.
Anyways, I ended up going to a friends for a week because she told me needed time to figure things out.
She asked me to come home at the end of the week so I did. We talked. Came out that she had gotten pregnant and had been going to appts all week to abort it. She had kept talking to this guy because she was letting him know what had happened. He even offered for her to keep it. She didn’t even give him the option and told him that once it was dealt with, she was blocking him on everything and they would never speak again, and he wasn’t to ever contact her because she wanted to make our marriage work.
I took her to the appt and sat with her all night while she went through a chemical abortion. It was traumatizing.
So now they don’t talk, but she did admit that about a week and a bit ago she stopped at his house to tell him it was dealt with, and that after that she blocked and deleted him off everything (and she did show me proof of this).
Problem is, I have lost that trust in her. I know where the guy lives and find myself driving by when I don’t know where my wife is. I’m questioning her and second guessing everything.
We had a very good last week but walls are up on both of our parts, which makes it hard for me to feel secure.
She does not want to talk about any of it. She said she knows that she fu**** up royally and wants to fix things between us and make it work but it depends on whether I can deal with it basically by myself because she can’t handle me bringing it up all of the time. Which I know is not fair to me.
I’ve seeked out therapy and have been off work now for a month and am off until the end of this month and on 2 anxiety medications. I’m not dealing well.
I love her so so much and cannot imagine my life without her. I just don’t know how to do this without her emotionally supporting me through it. I think maybe I need to stop expecting so much from her and realize that obviously she is dealing with her own anger with herself and grief for what she ruined. But it is just so tragic. We have always been the couple that people say are so perfect together and have the fairy tale relationship.
I’m bruised ego wise of course bcuz it was a dude, even though she told me it was awful, she faked it and regretted it instantly. She said it was just an easy target and a distraction. She’s like a 15/10 and he is ten years older, balding and has snaggle teeth. Shouldn’t matter but it does make me feel better that he’s gross. But I’m also afraid he’s going to tell people bcuz of what she looks like and the situation. She claims he won’t though and of course I wonder what makes her so sure since they only “knew each other” for a week and a half before anything happened.
My mind is a mess and we are taking some time apart right now - I’m just clearly having a hard time processing how this could have happened. And what I am supposed to do to cope with it all.
I believe her when she says she loves me so much and wants things to work. I believe her when she says she still wants to have a family with me.
But I can’t help but get paranoid because I trusted her without pause, and she broke my heart. And now she won’t even involve herself in my healing process.