Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Thrown off

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Selena1 (original poster New Member #79099) posted at 5:05 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

I’ve been with my wife for 7 years. Married for a year and a half. Same sex couple. Last month she came home and told me that she hasn’t been happy for quite some time. That she doesn’t know if it can be fixed because it has to do with her. She said I am perfect and treat her like gold. I am of course, thrown way off at this point because up until this point, we have never had any serious issues at all. We have even been trying to have kids the last few months. The only thing I had noticed was that for the last few weeks, she had been more disengaged and on her phone more, but I looked past it because I’ve literally had no worries in our entire time together. I asked her if there was someone else, she said no, I promise there is not. We spent the night emotionally holding each other saying that we wanted to work things out between us.

We went to bed that night cuddling. I got this awful feeling in my gut and for the first time ever, invaded her privacy. I dragged her Apple watch screen down and saw a text for a guy that I knew she met a few weeks prior. I clicked and quickly scrolled, and saw obvious flirting between them. I snapped. Woke her up and started freaking out, crying and she just went still as a statue. In shock that THIS is how this was coming out. She ended up telling me (after much prompting) that she had met up with him once and had sex with him after only talking to him for about a week. But that she had zero intention of ever seeing him again and had been planning to cut ties entirely and also was going to tell me when she got the nerve to because she’s never lied to me before and it was eating away at her. I told her to end it before I got involved and she told me she would and to let her deal with it.

I told her I could try and forgive her but it would take time. We went to bed that night extremely emotional (yes she cried her eyes out eventually and apologized a lot stating how big of a mistake it was and how she was using him as a distraction because she has been so unhappy with the lock down and me working so much and (excuses that shouldn’t have led to cheating).

The next day was very emotional. That night I looked again at her watch and they had been talking throughout the day. I flipped again on her. I was so angry. Another very emotionally charged conversation occurred. She said she was dealing with it but needed time to make sure she didn’t end up with a stalker. Shit part here is this guy knows allllllll of the people we know. So not random at all.

Anyways, I ended up going to a friends for a week because she told me needed time to figure things out.

She asked me to come home at the end of the week so I did. We talked. Came out that she had gotten pregnant and had been going to appts all week to abort it. She had kept talking to this guy because she was letting him know what had happened. He even offered for her to keep it. She didn’t even give him the option and told him that once it was dealt with, she was blocking him on everything and they would never speak again, and he wasn’t to ever contact her because she wanted to make our marriage work.

I took her to the appt and sat with her all night while she went through a chemical abortion. It was traumatizing.

So now they don’t talk, but she did admit that about a week and a bit ago she stopped at his house to tell him it was dealt with, and that after that she blocked and deleted him off everything (and she did show me proof of this).

Problem is, I have lost that trust in her. I know where the guy lives and find myself driving by when I don’t know where my wife is. I’m questioning her and second guessing everything.

We had a very good last week but walls are up on both of our parts, which makes it hard for me to feel secure.

She does not want to talk about any of it. She said she knows that she fu**** up royally and wants to fix things between us and make it work but it depends on whether I can deal with it basically by myself because she can’t handle me bringing it up all of the time. Which I know is not fair to me.

I’ve seeked out therapy and have been off work now for a month and am off until the end of this month and on 2 anxiety medications. I’m not dealing well.

I love her so so much and cannot imagine my life without her. I just don’t know how to do this without her emotionally supporting me through it. I think maybe I need to stop expecting so much from her and realize that obviously she is dealing with her own anger with herself and grief for what she ruined. But it is just so tragic. We have always been the couple that people say are so perfect together and have the fairy tale relationship.

I’m bruised ego wise of course bcuz it was a dude, even though she told me it was awful, she faked it and regretted it instantly. She said it was just an easy target and a distraction. She’s like a 15/10 and he is ten years older, balding and has snaggle teeth. Shouldn’t matter but it does make me feel better that he’s gross. But I’m also afraid he’s going to tell people bcuz of what she looks like and the situation. She claims he won’t though and of course I wonder what makes her so sure since they only “knew each other” for a week and a half before anything happened.

My mind is a mess and we are taking some time apart right now - I’m just clearly having a hard time processing how this could have happened. And what I am supposed to do to cope with it all.

I believe her when she says she loves me so much and wants things to work. I believe her when she says she still wants to have a family with me.

But I can’t help but get paranoid because I trusted her without pause, and she broke my heart. And now she won’t even involve herself in my healing process.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 10th, 2021
id 8674297
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

She cheated because she wanted to. There is no other excuse. The two of you could have talked this out but she did what she did instead.

Your grief is going to be a roller coaster and I think you need a trauma therapist because being blindsided like this has its own issues.

Lots of good folks on here to help you.

Stay hydrated, get ws much sleep as you can and if you need medication to help you for a few weeks ask for it.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8674303
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:53 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

Find a betrayal trauma specialist as an individual counselor.

Trust is gone and hard to get back.

Unfortunately she is probably minimizing the sex to “protect your feelings.” Trickle truth and breaking NC only makes things worse.

She need to knock that off lickety split

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:02 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674306
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 5:55 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

She does not want to talk about any of it. She said she knows that she fu**** up royally and wants to fix things between us and make it work but it depends on whether I can deal with it basically by myself because she can’t handle me bringing it up all of the time.

Tough shit. If she wants her marriage she needs to start acting like an adult. She wants you to rugsweep her mess so she doesn’t have to face her choices and work on what’s broken inside her. Tell her it takes both of you to reconcile, if she wants you to get out of infidelity by yourself the only path that leaves is divorce.

. I know where the guy lives and find myself driving by when I don’t know where my wife is.

Why is there a minute of the day that you don’t know where she is? She should be totally transparent. You should have access to all of her electronics and social media. You should know where she is and who she’s with.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 12:08 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8674307
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 6:01 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

1. She writes down in her own hand a narrative timeline of the affair many pages in length.

2. She turns over to you her phone for retrieval of texts (use Dr Fone)

3. Has she been tested for STDs? Have you? If not do so pronto

4. schedule a polygraph for after she gives you the tinelime

5. You both read the book “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” and she writes down a detailed plan for you on how she will implement the book’s recommendations

6. you read “cheating in a nutshell”

7. You do IC, she does IC. No couples counseling. Very important

8. Does the man have a spouse or girlfriend? Expose the infidelity to them immediately.

9. If anyone encouraged this in your circle of friends, drop them

10. No blameshifting, trickle truth, minimization, lies of omission, justification (”it was a mistake”) from her ever again. Any more of those mind games, then just end it.

11. Read the reconciliation forum here to know what you're really signing up for. It's an epic shitshow and a very long slog

12. Lastly go see a divorce Atty next week so you understand the process. Divorce is a mysterious black box for most betrayed spouses bc as loyal people we never considered it.

I believe her when she says she loves me so much and wants things to work. I believe her when she says she still wants to have a family with me.

You're in shock and pain but carefully consider these words. Love is a verb. People who love don't carry out hateful acts. she got pregnant from a lowlife, then had to have an abortion. How is that going to sit with you years from now?

Is this really a woman you consider capable of being a functioning and stable parent? Is this person really someone you want to start a family with? I can't imagine making that decision now, and not for many years after now until she has demonstrated a wholesale change of heart and mind.

Think about the person you're seeing now in front of you, not the idealized picture of who you thought she was. That person doesn't exist. The real person is in front of you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:10 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8674308
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crumbs ( Member #28953) posted at 6:42 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

Selena - I just have to point out what I'm sure you are well aware of--the chances of her getting pregnant after *one* time is very, very low. You most likely know her cycle so is it even remotely possible given the timeline? I would keep digging since it's much more possible that she only told you the minimum because she had to tell you she was pregnant--if it was only one time with him, then I'd suggest digging deeper to see if there were others. I'm so sorry, but her story just isn't adding up & I think before you go further, you really need to know all of the truth.

If she still also wants sex with men, then that's a huge issue on top of the cheating and something that will not change just because she's cutting contact with this guy. She needs a good counselor to work through ALL of these issues, and you need the support no matter what you decide to do.

DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)

posts: 69   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2010
id 8674318
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:12 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

And now she won’t even involve herself in my healing process.

Why has she emotionally abandoned you?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8674331
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Happenedtome2 ( Member #68906) posted at 3:59 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I am sorry to see you here.

This is a massive emotional trauma for you and should be dealt with as such. What she wants / needs mean nothing. You need proper counseling for yourself and only you can seek it out.

My .02 is that there will be more instances of them hooking up that will come out. Just be prepared for it.

BH
DDay August 2018
Not so sure about R at this time.
My original post :
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=633451

posts: 446   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2018
id 8675446
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:06 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2021

I'm less concerned with who she had sex with than that she had sex with someone other than you. She can be bi-sexual and monogamous.

It's normal to be an emotional wreck after d-day. It's normal and healthy not to trust a WS.

I wonder if you see D as a viable option. If you don't, if you feel a need to R, you've got a problem. No matter how much you want R, R takes 2, and you can't control your W. She has to do a lot of work on herself and with you to R, and if she won't do that work, your best bet is probably to D.

Here's some reading I recommend:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

*****

The best advice I got was that R requires 3 'healings': I heal myself; my W heals herself; together we heal the M.

Your healing is your work. Your W can't do it for you. You do it for and by yourself. Other people can give you emotional support. An unremorseful WS usually makes it harder for the BS to do their work. But BS heals BS.

What support do you want from your W for your healing? What are you expecting from her? What are you hoping to get from her for your healing? Don't conflate your healing with the outcome of your M.

The fact that you heal you empowers you to heal no matter what your W does.

*****

There are a number of indicators of a WS's quality as a partner for R. It doesn't look like your W is there yet. Those qualities include, IMO:

honesty - no more lies - answers questions

takes responsibility - answers questions, does IC to change from betrayer to good partner

listens to BS

provides emotional support for BS....

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8675484
Topic is Sleeping.
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