SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone. First time poster and looking for advice...here's some backstory:

- BACKSTORY -

WS and I have been together almost 15 years, since highschool, and we're in our early 30's now. Very classic hs sweetheart scenario, we were each other's 1st and only relationship. We both came from rough families but were good people with a lot of love to give and willingness to improve ourselves. We helped each other through a LOT. We definitely consider ourselves to be better people thanks to one another. I also moved to a different State to be with them.

Since we got together so young we definitely had our share of problems as we matured together and dealt with traumas from our own individual past. Neither of us were perfect for sure, but we had an intense love for one another that everyone could easily see.

- D-DAY -

D-Day was about 4 years ago, so roughly 10 years into our relationship. I had this strange but powerful gut feeling that something wasn't right, and looking back the signs were all there, but being in my 1st relationship I didn't notice. One night my WS got up to let our dog out and I checked their phone. The evidence was all there: they had been having a long distance EA with someone they had met online. It had been going on and off for a year or so. The AP was also married. The extent of the EA was explicit sexting, nudes, and sex acts on cam. I confronted my WS that very night with the evidence. They didn't deny anything, but the EA had been strictly online, they've never met in person which I know for sure to be true. This was my first and only love/partner, so to say the least I was traumatized utterly and completely.

After a few months of heavy affair fog on my WS's part and me being too shocked to process much of anything, the fog finally cleared and they crumbled in remorse and despair. They went completely NC and blocked the AP on everything, the AP faded from our lives quietly. No one knew or knows about the EA except for us, which made the whole thing harder since I had no one to talk to. To be honest I think WS's friends would disown them if they knew as we're all really close.

- PRESENT -

Fast forward to the present and we've been through 4 years of Reconciliation. WS gave me every pw to any account they had, lets me go through their messages or emails whenever I want and sometimes asks if I'd like to. They listen when I still want to talk about the EA or if I just need to ask questions I've already asked to hear them answer the same way they already have, or go over the timeline of the EA. I have absolutely ZERO doubts in my mind in regards to my WS's remorse, sincerity, or their wish to be with me and they never put the weight of their choice to cheat on me. Of course my naive trust in them is gone forever, but that's something we all have to accept. The point is I truly believe in the work they've put in to stay with me and they know if anything close to what happened happens again, I will leave in a blink.

Recently over the past month I've been having an emotional roller coaster over my decision to stay and dealing with this part our relationship that will be there forever.

- I wonder what it says about me that I've decided to stay with someone who would throw away my trust and loyalty, especially since my previous stance was that I would leave if anyone did such a thing to me.

- I wonder if the pain of this will really dull to the point where I'm not thinking about it once a week.

- I wonder if I can handle, in the long run, the fact that I can never blindly trust my WS again and to know that they're capable of cheating on me. (I have never had eyes for anyone else since we've been together. I've never so much as cheekily flirted with or given a second glance to another person)

- I wonder if I can handle hearing people compliment our relationship while knowing about the dark spot that's out of sight.

- I wonder if people expect me to consider that I'm still young, very attractive, and would have no problem starting over. I won't deny I'm comfortable but we aren't together out of convenience in any way

I have no doubts that I love my WS very much and care deeply for them, especially after so many years growing up together, and I know they feel the same. And again they've put in the work you'd expect from a partner who is genuinely remorseful and disgusted with their choices. So why am I still feeling this way sometimes?

[This message edited by TheWonderingVoid at 7:07 AM, July 12th (Monday)]

Have you thought about getting IC for yourself? An IC can really help you sort this out. Maybe you simply need a good answer to quiet those doubts or maybe the A really way a deal breaker for you.

- I wonder what it says about me that I've decided to stay with someone who would throw away my trust and loyalty, especially since my previous stance was that I would leave if anyone did such a thing to me.

- I wonder if the pain of this will really dull to the point where I'm not thinking about it once a week.

- I wonder if I can handle, in the long run, the fact that I can never blindly trust my WS again and to know that they're capable of cheating on me. (I have never had eyes for anyone else since we've been together. I've never so much as cheekily flirted with or given a second glance to another person)

- I wonder if I can handle hearing people compliment our relationship while knowing about the dark spot that's out of sight.

- I wonder if people expect me to consider that I'm still young, very attractive, and would have no problem starting over. I won't deny I'm comfortable but we aren't together out of convenience in any way

I would love to be able to give you an answer, but I think the answer about whether or not you'll be able to move forward with those thoughts is totally unique to you. I think the doubts themselves, however are fairly common. There have definitely been a lot of discussions on feelings of "shame" for having stayed with a spouse that cheated as well as the inability to 100% trust again.

Here was a good discussion from a few months ago on feeling shame for having stayed with a cheater. I book marked it because I found it helpful.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653487/can-we-discuss-the-shame-of-staying-/

This quote from Sisoon in that thread particularly resonated with me:

Society dumps shame on BSes no matter what they do. In fact, to expand a bit on what Chaos wrote, we get shame dumped on us day after day, hour after hour, whenever we don't do what someone tells us to do. In a real sense, shame is a normal reaction to being imperfect.

That's why it's so important to do what one wants to do with one's M after being betrayed. IOW, since a BS is going to feel shame no matter what the BS does, choosing what one wants makes it easier to deal with the shame.

You are not alone TWV....

Just my $0.02...

- I wonder what it says about me that I've decided to stay with someone who would throw away my trust and loyalty, especially since my previous stance was that I would leave if anyone did such a thing to me.

I tried this as well for a couple of years. I found I was too weak to risk losing the person I loved so much. At that time I was just too weak to leave.

- I wonder if the pain of this will really dull to the point where I'm not thinking about it once a week.

Yes and no. The scar tissue does continue to build and build. But I'm twenty years past and I still mull on it several times per week. It's hard to lose one's true love.

- I wonder if I can handle, in the long run, the fact that I can never blindly trust my WS again and to know that they're capable of cheating on me. (I have never had eyes for anyone else since we've been together. I've never so much as cheekily flirted with or given a second glance to another person)

I don't see how. It's like having a piece of your heart cut out and feeling it forever. Trust and faith are pillars of a relationship. I couldn't look at her knowing what she did and was still capable of.

- I wonder if I can handle hearing people compliment our relationship while knowing about the dark spot that's out of sight.

Yeah, I got that as well. Each time was like a knife in my heart. It was a trigger. Like living a lie.

- I wonder if people expect me to consider that I'm still young, very attractive, and would have no problem starting over. I won't deny I'm comfortable but we aren't together out of convenience in any way.

I doubt it.

It sounds like your marriage is scraping along. Eventually that may build up resentment. Decide what your happiness should look like in 3, 5, 10 more years. If you see it your spouse, then fine. If not, leave or end up bitter.

- I wonder what it says about me that I've decided to stay with someone who would throw away my trust and loyalty, especially since my previous stance was that I would leave if anyone did such a thing to me.

- I wonder if the pain of this will really dull to the point where I'm not thinking about it once a week.

- I wonder if I can handle, in the long run, the fact that I can never blindly trust my WS again and to know that they're capable of cheating on me. (I have never had eyes for anyone else since we've been together. I've never so much as cheekily flirted with or given a second glance to another person)

- I wonder if I can handle hearing people compliment our relationship while knowing about the dark spot that's out of sight.

- I wonder if people expect me to consider that I'm still young, very attractive, and would have no problem starting over. I won't deny I'm comfortable but we aren't together out of convenience in any way

These are ALL valid points to ponder...and you will find many threads that have these same posts in them. What you are feeling is very normal .

I can only speak for ME...but I can tell you that after my 1st M ended in D because of a cheater...I VOWED I would NEVER stay with a cheater again. I think ALL of us BS have said that...UNTIL we were IN infidelity. Yet...here I am...7 years later...still with a person who cheated on me. The difference between my 1st M and my 2nd M is that my XWS was not remorseful and didn't put in the work FOR our M until I was seriously dating the person who became my next S. I have NO regrets for going for D in my 1st M...and NO regrets for going for R in my 2nd M. Only YOU can decide what the best path forward is...for YOU .

ANY trauma will never be forgotten. The pain definitely subsides though...and when I do remember something...it is more like a pesky gnat instead of a fire breathing dragon coming at me!

I will never blindly trust my spouse again...and I have come to believe that is a GOOD thing . My S took advantage of that...and they now know they can't ever do that again. Although...they have shown over and over that I don't have to worry about that. I don't worry about it because now that I know what they are capable of...I won't dismiss anything...and I am OK with that . My S has shown me that they are a changed person...and I believe them...and I am OK with that too .

No one else knows about my S's A...and the compliments about our M have never stopped. This was HARD for me to reconcile...but I came to the realization that EVERY M has dark spots. This A happened in our M...but it does NOT define it . We DO have more GOOD in our M than bad...and we are embracing that !

I was younger and more attractive in my 1st M...and when I caught my 1st S having another A...I left. I absolutely had no problem starting over. I knew I had tried everything I could at that point and there was nothing left. I did have a harder time after I left by the 2nd A because at that point we had a baby. But I don't regret not leaving before because...I have a WONDERFUL child who is an adult now. They absolutely LOVE their parents...and don't want anything to do with my XWS. My XWS had a chance to be a part of their life...and blew it.

Read the book “Cheating in a Nutshell” and you will understand why. Your brain likely will not allow this to rest. Your moral emotions keep asserting themselves. Lots of reasons. Read the book and see what you think. A lot of betrayed spouses show up here years later still in pain, still trying to reconcile. I'm trying to think of one time I’ve read about a divorced BH saying they regretted it.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:53 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

What have you done to release the anger, grief, fear, and shame of being betrayed?

Lots of feelings arose in you when you learned of the betrayal. You either keep them in or let them out, and if you keep them in, they'll fester and come out anyway when you don't expect it.

You describe what could be your feelings coming into your awareness.

It's painful, but it's also an opportunity to heal.

What has your WS done to change from betrayer to good partner?

If your WS hasn't done the necessary work, your spidey senses may be telling you something new has come up.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:37 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

Thank you everyone very much for the replies.

@nekonamida: I haven't had any IC and I'm not sure if it's something I want to do right now. An IC still won't be able to give me any answers so much as they'll just help me think on these feelings I have, which I already do.

@outofsorts: Thank you. I read through that thread and it did help.

@thatbpguy: The thing is my relationship isn't scraping along. 95% of the time I am very happy and don't think about the bad things. It's only recently some of these feelings have reared their heads for me to deal with. I've also talked to my WS about them too.

@Want2BHappyAgain: Thank you for sharing your experiences

@Thumos: Thank you, I will check that out.

@sisoon: I've released the anger and hurt from the A through lots of crying, sometimes a little yelling, and a lot of venting to my WS about the pain they've caused and how I feel.

The feelings I described in my original post aren't frequent like they may have been at the beginning when I found out about the A, as I said they only started up around this month. And the reason I have a harder time dealing with them is because my WS HAS done and is still doing the work. I can honestly say they've been completely in line with what a BS would want from a WS who is genuinely and completely broken by their choices. They listen to me when I need to vent and hold me and apologize for everything. Tell me they love me and appreciate me every day, you name it.

I can't imagine a future without them, and part of that is because we've been in each other's lives for longer than we've been out of them. It's like imagining your future without your parents or your siblings.

I am an extremely patient and forgiving person, and I think part of the reason I was willing to try R aside from the fact I love my WS very much is that I do truly believe in second chances. Not third or fourth mind you, but second. Maybe the fact it was only an EA helped, not that it made it better, I don't know. I think if anything physical between my WS and their AP had happened I wouldn't have been able to try R.

[This message edited by TheWonderingVoid at 12:26 PM, July 10th (Saturday)]

There is a thread about "Cheating in a Nutshell" in "The Book Club" Forum on here. You can read through some of the posts and get the gist of what this book is about .

For ME...this book would have been EXACTLY how my 1st M was. It was also my philosophy for when my 2nd S confessed about their A.

However...NOTHING is absolute. None of us really KNOW how infidelity damages our soul until we have had it thrust upon us. None of us really KNOW how we can THRIVE despite infidelity until we have experienced it either .

I HAVE experienced the PEACE...the JOY...and even the LOVE again like I never had before . I am so THANKFUL that I have made it to the other side WHOLE . Lastly...but most importantly...my S and I are in R...TOGETHER...and very HAPPY with our Mv2.0...Thank You God !!