SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DavLaw, you indicated you had 40 years of a pretty good marriage. I thought I had 30 some years of a pretty good marriage. I thought it was getting better. I knew for many of those years, though, that my marriage should have been better. There seemed to be a barrier of some kind. We went to "Turn Your Heart Toward Home". We did "World wide Marriage Encounter" - an intensive weekend.

The problem is that secrets make you sick. They make a marriage sick. Secrets and genuine marital intimacy are incompatible. I found out that the distance I felt was real. There was a reason for it.

I don't know if your WW can do what she needs to do to make R'ing possible or not or if you will be able to R if she does. I would suggest that if she doesn't your marriage will be (or continue to be) a shell of what it should have and could have been.

In my case, the new adultery (LTA) after 25 years of marriage coupled with my XWW doing virtually nothing was more than I could bear. Your WW has gone to IC. What you need is consistent and prolonged actions. Actions speak louder than words. It's pretty easy to make a few insignificant gestures that cease once the heat is off to be able to say that she is trying and investing.

Unfortunate this is why rugsweeping is a real bad idea.

Not everyone can suck it up and just take it for the team.

You’d think the religious folks would know what lies cause but a lot if not most are cut out of the same cloth. I’d throw a lot of marriage counselors in there as well.

Do you really think. After 40 years. That college and college town is going to look any way it did 40 years ago. ? She not going , or most likely I would not know of any places Because every thing must of change,
You have to understand she cheated. Knowing why is important. Not the old bar. What now a chain drug store is important. You will never get dates. Maybe one because it was her birthday, or holiday, But not a lot of them. Most likely she didn’t keep count of hookups

Hi OP. Very sorry you find yourself here.

The fact everything happened 40 years ago is irrelevant. You wouldn’t say that to a person who committed a serious crime "you did this but it was 40 years ago so that makes it alright then".

From reading the posts here, what are the consequences for her? Is there any real remorse and if so how does she show it?

I ask this because, from my perspective, she continues to disrespect you by not meeting your very reasonable requests, YOU are the one hurting and carrying the burden of her deception, and she seems to be sailing through this with impunity, not a scratch, b*gger all!.

You may think you are going through a golden patch after retirement but is it because "she has got too old to pull anymore" and is happy to settle for her Plan B? Are you her retirement plan?

I do feel she needs to experience consequences for her actions, be it divorce or something really meaningful (self exposure to your family and hers?) before she takes on the seriousness of her actions and the amount of hurt she caused you. I also fear for you if she doesn’t suffer because your resentment at her getting off Scot free is just going to build and build, despite your honour and best intentions.

Don’t be afraid of divorce. You have a lot to offer and there are plenty out there who would be very willing to enjoy the obvious qualities you have.

Personally, if you do decide to reconcile, I would look to divorce her on very favourable terms for me and reconcile afterwards.

Are you in your hometown? How is that going? Is it having the effect you hoped for?

And how are you each finding IC? Has it been helpful so far?

My WW's multiple affairs began 46 years ago. Professional advice at the time suggested she not tell, I should get over it and just sweep it under the rug as she promises not to do it anymore. 10 years later one of her co workers wives is telling people at work that my wife is having an affair with her husband. Denials, no hard evidence except a couple times during intercourse I swear I could feel a "string" with my penis. IUD? Generally, where there's smoke there's fire.
Anyway, it all "went away." At least for her. 2010 her most serious affair partner re enters our lives at a social event. I could see in his stares that he was reliving their past relationship. It ALL came back like it was yesterday. More trickle truth, counseling, and then back under the rug.
What I'm getting at here is I heard the same things, " I don't know, I can't remember." I investigated things like selective or dissociative amnesia. Had I been smarter I would have insisted on a polygraph to check if she was being truthful and if so, professional hypnosis to help recollection. (She even claimed she knew she did something wrong but couldn't recall ANY specifics.)
Don't let it go. I've got 51 years with her. Most unhappy. I feel like I wasted my life. Don't take the road I chose.

Hey @DavLaw just checking in with you to see how it went and if you made in progress with your wife since you went back to where it all happened 40 years ago.

Short update. Drive around town didn’t reap any benefits. Still no memory.

We will continue MC and IC when we get back home next week. Wife is sincerely ashamed of her behavior and becomes emotional when facing her history. Talking about the details or addressing my questions is overwhelming to her emotionally. I feel like she knows much more than she’s shared but is incapable of discussing. Counseling may bring it out.

At some point I will probably focus my counseling on forgiveness and moving on without the whole truth. For 40 years she’s been a good woman, wife and mother (and now grandmother). I’m not ready to give up on knowing the whole truth yet but I do think that’s where this could be headed.

Tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph for her. Two of the questions will be

1). Was POS the only person you have had an in appropriate relationship while you’ve been married?

2) Have you told Davlaw all that you can remember about POS and the affair?

I think that no matter what, you will eventually have to have her do the polygraph. Hopefully this will encourage her to provide all the facts that you need.

Don’t be so quick to R.

Good luck and stay strong. And do whatever you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror

No offense but a lie detector is out of the question. I know the major facts and infidelities already. Besides me obsessing and making her feel even more ashamed than she already does, I know what’s to be gained. I think a lie detector is a marriage breaker - I trust her so nothing to prove. I want the whole truth but not at her expense. Having said that - I am hoping IC and MC will produce the whole truth.

Thanks for the advice - means a lot to me that you (and all) care enough to comment.

Short update. Drive around town didn’t reap any benefits. Still no memory.

We will continue MC and IC when we get back home next week. Wife is sincerely ashamed of her behavior and becomes emotional when facing her history. Talking about the details or addressing my questions is overwhelming to her emotionally. I feel like she knows much more than she’s shared but is incapable of discussing. Counseling may bring it out.

At some point I will probably focus my counseling on forgiveness and moving on without the whole truth. For 40 years she’s been a good woman, wife and mother (and now grandmother). I’m not ready to give up on knowing the whole truth yet but I do think that’s where this could be headed.

I think that transparency and authenticity is key to intimacy, and that you two are on the right track. I'm sorry for your pain, but I hope that it leads to deep and satisfying intimacy.

My H confessed to three As on DDay - two of which were strictly physical and years in the past. He couldn't remember the name of OW1 at all, or the last name of OW2. It bugged the heck out of me, but frankly, I can't remember the names of a couple of guys I had sex with either. Since he was forthcoming with all the painful details about OW3, and grisly details that he could remember about OW1 and OW2, I had a benchmark on which to base my trust in whether or not he was being honest.

My point in sharing that is that she may not remember much, especially if it's entwined with shame, and may not be able to give you some of the details that you want. I'm glad to see that you're already talking about your next steps if you don't get what you're looking for, and that you're compassionate with her. Shame is a booger.

I know the major facts and infidelities already. Besides me obsessing and making her feel even more ashamed than she already does, I know what’s to be gained. I think a lie detector is a marriage breaker - I trust her so nothing to prove. I want the whole truth but not at her expense. Having said that - I am hoping IC and MC will produce the whole truth.

I suggested this twice with its justifications and there was no response. So you didn't have a valid objection, you still don't.

It's okay to take her all around to remember things, but asking her to answer 2 questions without any trouble is a marriage breaker?

After all, this is your life and your marriage. You decide what you can and cannot live with. But please don't expect us to believe the truth that you have made yourself believe.

Good luck.

Hey Davlaw625

Am a bit scared of finding out.

The above quote was said by you last month. I guess this is true that you don't want to really know. I still think she knows more than she is telling you and I guess you are good with her answers or lack of. Best of luck!

A "bit scared" isn’t the same as I don’t want to know.

I trust her so nothing to prove.

Many of the things that you've said throughout this thread don't jibe with that statement.

I feel like she knows much more than she’s shared but is incapable of discussing.

I’m already considering options in the event we don’t adequately address the infidelities. I need the whole truth - regardless of how shameful it is for her.

I do not know how I am going to react if she isn't forthright.

I think she knows a lot more than she's telling me.

Shortly after my H and I decided to R, I was so hyped up on hysterical bonding that I was being a bit of a Pollyanna. I announced that I had forgiven my H. My MC said "No, you haven't." He told me to slow my roll and not worry about forgiveness just yet. That could come later. We needed to work on transparency and authenticity first. Do you think maybe you're doing the same sort of thing?

Also, I don't think a poly is in order just yet, if ever. I think waiting to see what happens with IC and MC is a good plan.

Thanks for the comments and advice. I am definitely conflicted but am hoping counseling will get me to a happy ending.

DavLaw,

Awhile back you wrote that a polygraph will not answer the questions you want answered.

I think I understand what you are saying, because some of the questions I want answered by my W which really cannot be answered by a polygraph. I believe my W knows them as part of her reality in the same way we know that stone is hard and wood burns.

I want to know...

Did she marry me as a plan B because her family approved of me.

Did she think of OM/OMs often during our marriage when she had sex with me.

Did she want to go back with OM around a year after we got married.

Did she love me or only look upon me as a provider at 5, 10, 15 years into our marriage.

Did she leave me to play barbie dolls with our daughter because she resented me and didn't want to play with my child because she looked more like me.

And a multitude of questions like that I can imagine her tell a councilor but never to me.

What your wife doesn't realize that it has been 40 years for her but 1 day for you .
I really don't think I would say it's ok honey it was a lifetime ago!

I can imagine how you are feeling . What is your wife doing to help you process this ?

I had a friend who was married for 20 years and his wife confessed to haveing two affairs in the first year of their relationship . Do you know what he did ? He told me he walked out of his house and returned 14 hours later and told his wife he would be filing for divorce . He told me at first she looked at him and said you're kidding right . My friend devorced her over a year ago .

I was shocked but he looked at me and said she thought that after 20 years it would not be an issue but I wonder what she thinks now . Infidelity is infidelity and time does not erase the fact . Godspeed OP.

Condor, it is actually worse after all that time. Your life has been stolen from you....decades!!! How do you get that back? If there is an immediate confession then at least you can make an informed decision about what you want in light of the information.

-You trust her

- You think she's withholding info

Those two statements are in direct opposition to one another.