SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS cheated on me end of 2019. We split up and he moved out. He briefly saw the OW and then he said he wanted to try again with me. We had months of back and forth and then he finally ended it & pretty much started seeing her again. He’s now ended it with her and told me it’s because he can’t stop thinking about me, misses me, knows he doesn’t want to be with anyone but me etc.

Im so confused and I know my friends/family will be angry if I even consider trying again. I’ve spoke to my counsellor who was great and reminded me of my boundaries etc but I just don’t know what to do. Is he just going to do it all again ?

Has anyone being in a similar position and it’s turned out well ?

Thanks

Well, looking at past history, I would be very sceptical if I were you. Basically, you could tell him you've been down this road before, and he has to show you how earnest he is. Let him do the heavy lifting and do what you need. Actions, not words!

Don't move too quickly because he could get back with her. Cheaters typically have immature relationships so breakups and make ups are common. So why not give him some time to prove it to you that he's serious now? Ask him to get into IC and go to that for a few months before you make any promises. See if he sticks with it or if he runs back to her.

What do you want? If you'd still like to R, I recommend rereading sofar's and neko's posts.

I'd also recommend thinking about the proofs that he is committed irrevocably to doing his work. IOW, what actions would tell you he's committed irrevocably.

But do you really want R? If not, don't. Perhaps imagining being free of him? Imagine the best that could happen - does that seem better than R to you? Can you make that happen? If not 100%, how close could you come?

Here's some reading that may help:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

He can bounce around ha I and forth between you and the OW or you and many OW.

Stop and think - what have his actions been? His words are not enough nor will they be fir a long time. But what do his actions mean?

He says - “I can’t stop thinking of you”. Hmmmmm……is he just lonely and single at the moment and falling back to the person he knows is there for him?

Always have the attitude of maki g the cheater prove it.

Now here’s the sticking point. Some people like the thrill of the chase. Once they have the full commitment of the other person in the relationship they lose interest. And start looking for another person to pursue. I call it “I just wants at I can’t have”. It’s not about the person or relationship but more about the pursuit.

His actions mean everything whine his words should mean nothing. He’s lied before— hard to trust anything a cheater says.

Without intervention, such as IC, the most reliable predictor of risk (future behaviors) is past behaviors. It is not to say that everyone that cheats will inevitably cheat again, but it does say that a cheater that does not put in the work to fix what is broken in them, is a strong candidate to make choices on the back of those same broken issues in the future. When you are broke, you keep applying that brokenness to your life.

He seems to be a high risk for trust and a poster child for the proverbial red flag, that I am sure you well see. The red flags are there. The past repeated behaviors are well established. If he has not engaged in a rigorous effort to find and fix himself, disregarding the obvious risk factors may well be a thing in you that you may want to dig deeper to figure out.

At a minimum, set boundaries and non-negotiable requirements, such as him finding and then staying with an IC for as long as it takes to see and fix the underlying drivers that make him such an unsafe partner. You know his history, you see the red flags, don't be your own worst enemy by turning a blind eye to those realities.

I would take a big detached step back and ask some vital questions before you allow your heart to hope.

1) Was this out of the blue or has he still been in contact this entire time?

If you never had a strong NC implemented when he left he has kept you on the hook as his safety net plan B all this time and now signs of life with AP is not that great he is reeling you in.

If you did have strong NC and this is out of the blue it leads me to...

2) What has changed in his life to come back? (unfortunately 'we're married' is not the option here since it wasn't important enough for him to remain loyal)

If you can are you able to employ your investigative skills. Has AP moved on to someone else? (if yes, you're plan B and he is unsafe to take back) Are they fighting? (if yes, he is running away from the new relationship and has nothing to do with wanting you back) How is his job? (I've read it before AP is on welfare, wayward gets fired and he loses his comfy house life so he comes knocking on BS door looking for the cozy life until the WS can get on their feet again.) Is he injured himself and needs your insurance? Has he had more than one woman now and none of them have met his caretaker needs and "you'll do"? Is he bed hoping or has he been single? (if he has been single this is a better sign as he doesn't want anyone else and he could be genuine he wants to try to R.)

I would also ask the motivation if he is in a rush to R, again why now? what's changed?? Is he willing to take this slow? If not why not and if yes do you trust him not to sleep around while he is under a different roof?

3) Has he done the work? Actions, not words.

Not "I will go to IC" but rather "I go to this [xxxdetailsxxx] IC and I am improving, I want you to meet them".

Not "I am leaving AP" but rather "I live by myself at this address [xxxdetailsxxx]" Also has he been single or is he bed hoping yet again?

Read this on the wayward forum "Admitting it vs. Getting it vs. Owning it vs. Living it":

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/615240/admitting-it-vs--getting-it-vs--owning-it-vs--living-it/

Would he even tick the first one?

Is he willing to give you a timeline and go with you to get a poly (to test the truth of the timeline) before R is on the table? Is he willing to truthfully talk about his whys without shift blaming?

4) Are you ready to go through this again?

We had months of back and forth and then he finally ended it & pretty much started seeing her again.

Because without the work and without empathy and without remorse it's likely he will flip-flop again. Are you willing to risk it? is R with him worth going through that but this time without your support network since you mentioned friends and family will likely not be there this time round.

5) Would he be willing to read some books on infidelity and how to help the BS heal from their infidelity and talk this over with you before you "get back together"?

There are other questions of course but you know what it feels to believe him and hope "this time it'll work" only for him to run off and leave you again so before you let your heart rule, let your logic rule. This isn't the first time he has wanted you back after running off, are you willing to go through it again?

There are a lot of great articles in the healing library, sisoon pasted a few and "Before You Say Reconcile... Recover" is one to read over a few times, another I'd add one to the mix:

"Reconciliation the Wrong Way and Reconciliation the Right Way"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/right_wrong.asp

You haven't said much about if you've been in contact prior to this revelation he wants back but no where do I see examples of true remorse or examples he is working on being a safe husband moving forward. Just because it's not as fun with AP as he thought isn't an excuse to R, he made that choice and committed to her when he left you, just because that's broken down for him doesn't mean he is "fixed", those issues will forever remain until he does the hard work.

IDK I always question motives in waywards now, unless honest remorse and empathy and work is shown, all actions, I'm cynical and just think you're setting yourself up for the painful reality of false R. You know he is a lair, his words can not be trusted unless they're backed up with positive actions.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:24 AM, July 10th (Saturday)]

If I were in the same situation, I'd tell him to go piss up a tree. You are FAR more valuable than this piece of garbage understands. He seems to be nothing but heartache dressed as a douchebag. Cut your losses & go heal yourself.

No disrespect intended, but he got tired of her and now he's playing you as his fall back plan B until the next wonderlust comes along. Unless you want to be played, tell him to stay the hell away. You deserve far better. You may also want to see someone about self esteem and how to build it up.