Hey OP. I went through two Ddays. The first was her attempt to throw me off the scent. Actually, it was more complicated than that. She admitted to an infatuation with a dentist that had left for another city. Curiously enough, his wife had run off with some guy and he was absolutely devastated. Turns out, mu STBXWW'S confession was a rude. She was knee deep into the affair with her cowboy when she confessed.
Anyway, Dday#2 hit where she was forced to confess or be outed. I said some things I'm very proud of...and kicked her ass to the guest room. After that, I was a shithead. After about two weeks, i offered R. I hadn't discovered this site yet and had no idea what I was doing. Man, the mistakes I made. When I offered R, she said I was doing it just to look good to her family. That should have raised a huge red flag for me. She sees relationships as transactional.
Long story short, I felt I had to at least attempt R, for the sake of my kids, when deep down, I knew it was a dealbreaker. Even my friends were giving me shit for trying. Anyway, I followed the SI advice of waiting 6 months to make a decision, which I now strongly disagree with, and set a date by which she shat or got off the pot. Well, she did neither. In fact, this was a given. She was never a person who ever did anything unless she was pushed. She has a laziness of spirit, and I knew she wouldn't step up. Why would she? Shes never had to before.
So, 7 months post Dday, I called it. It was the first time I had known peace in two years. I had just returned from a solo bike trip where I had really delved into my situation, and I asked her one simple question. What are YOU doing to help me heal? And you know what the stupid fuck said? I can't be there for you until you are in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty.... Holy shit! I had no idea stupid people were that stupid. Everytime I tell this story, same reaction...are you fucking kidding me???
So I looked at her and told her I was done then I went to bed. There are times I wish I had turned around to see the look on her face, but I think I would have been disappointed. As with most of her life, she would have missed the significance of the moment. Although I seem to be bashing my STBXWW, I am just presenting the unvarnished reality of who she is. We married young, and I assumed she would grow and evolve as she aged. She was never wired for that. So at 50ish, she is just an older version of her 20 year old self. Sad really.
It makes me think of Macbeth, as he voices regret for the shitshow his life has become, when he says, "And that which should accompany old age,
As honor, love, obedience, troops of friends,
I must not look to have — but, in their stead,
Curses, not loud but deep, mouth-honor, breath
Which the poor heart would fain deny, and dare not."
As we get older, the aggregate worth of our characters carry us through the final years. With cheaters, not so much...
Did I mention I'm elbow deep into some Merlot?