SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To keep it simple. My wife of 7 years has been in an affair for about 2 months with a guy she met at a house party and won't stop. I spent a few weeks trying to shower her with love but thankfully realized that wasn't working and did a 180.

We are now living in 2 different apartments. I've exposed the affair to family. I've been basically no contact with her for about 2 weeks other than texts about the logistics of our young children and finances. I've since blocked her number and told her contact will be by email only now, further distancing her. We were never married by paper, so no divorce papers to serve. To me, marriage is only stopped through Infidelity or Death. We aren't dead, but she did commit adultery. This has freed me in a way where I don't feel guilty anymore about not trying to save the marriage like I have been for years.

My WW has serious existential issues and I now know there is only way we could ever reconcile and that being she gives her life to G-D. Something she has never done, because she says she is G-D and she created everything. I've told her many times you aren't G-D but HE/SHE is inside you. Big difference. Her ego is out of control and her favorite thing is attention. Taking my contact/attention/presence/energy away from her is the most powerful tool I have. The day after the 180 she was calling in a super sweet voice trying to get me to come back and hangout, just not as a couple. I said no and there's been the little contact since.

I'd love for her to repent and everything work for our family. That's the best case scenario and I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for this greatly. But I accept if not and as I've told her at the 180, I'll be fine without her and am building my life without her. Because I will never go back to living how I was. It's obvious to me she thought the grass was greener elsewhere and senses she made a huge mistake but doesn't want to admit it and face her deep issues. It seems the only thing that will tell my story is time.

What I want to know is what are some experiences y'all have had being Separated and NC while the WS is in fantasy land (hell). I've read a few experiences on this board, sharing the experiences of their partner coming to their senses eventually, or not. I'd like to read more. If there are any dealing with the religious side like my situation is, that'd be awesome.

Thank Yah!

[This message edited by ThankYah at 3:18 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

Don’t remain in this limbo. Don’t worry about NC during separation. You deserve to move on. See an attorney and file for D. Take care of your children. This has to be super hard on your kids. Get a separation agreement done and a custody schedule to give your children a solid schedule. Don’t procrastinate. It does not appear your WW is remorseful in any way. Take care of you and have her served.

My first feeling after ending the crying cycles for the loss of my marriage, was freedom! I remember telling him as he left our home to go live with his affair partner, that he is toxic to me. He just looked at me totally puzzled.

See at that time, he was a functional alcoholic and so was the OW, two peas in one pod. He berated me at home, he was critical, etc.

When we split up, no more of that. All the crap he dished out at me, was like gone in an instant. I remember thinking of his easy lies and how gullible I was…

There was no problem for me to maintain NC, It was harder for him as I kept shutting him out of my life. He had regrets the second week living with her. I now believe that he never really wanted to commit to her…otherwise he would have stayed with her and kept minimal contact with me. IC helped me navigate the anger, the rage, the sadness, the loneliness, the envy, all during the separation. I found resilience with a woman’s group. I surrounded myself with good people.

And my husband and I have reunited since.

My H and I never separated, but I can tell you that until she gives up the A and dumps her AP, nothing with you can be resolved. The first step in the process is getting rid of the AP - FOR GOOD.

Right now she playing two ends against the middle and cake eating. Until she gives up the shit show AP, you cannot move forward,,,with her anyway.

You can however, choose to make your own changes in your life and the lives of your kids.

You state you are not married on paper, but you can have a custody/visitation/separation agreement drawn up to protect your kids and your finances. If she won't stop the A, you need to get out and away from her.

@fareast

I had edited my post to add "We were never married by paper, so no divorce papers to serve". To me we were married under biblical law, mentally, physically, spiritually. The divorce pretty much happened when she committed adultery. So my situation is different than most posters here in that regard.

I recently thought about this idea of being limbo and wrote that I am not in limbo. I am just working and taking care of my children in the mean time. And whatever happens will be great: she heals and we heal our relationship permanently.. she doesn't heal and I eventually marry another who is right for me.. or I never marry again and enjoy my life.

Time will tell. I am now in a position where I can be happy disconnected from the dysfunction.

@Notaboringwife

That's a great ending. My WW is what I'd consider an alcoholic right now as well. The drinking takes her brain to a place where she was capable of initiating the affair and it keeps the 2 together. My WW is very hard to live with so this has been easy for me as well. They aren't living together but I know if they did it would quickly dissolve that relationship. Instead she uses him for attention and to live like a drunk teen. Happy you 2 sorted it out.

@Evertrying

You are exactly right. I feel like the affair is so new and her stubbornness could keep this going for a while longer. I'd like to not have to involve the State unless necessary. It is tool that is available should she give me a hard time with finances like daycare or something else.

ThankYah

I’m curious, given what’s she done, why would you still consider R?

@ff4152

My hope and faith is in the best possible outcome which is successful reconciliation. But for it to work correctly, she needs a total recycling of the way she thinks and acts by building a relationship with The Most Highs within. This is not some small feat at all but it is possible. So even though she put me through the most terrible heart ache I've ever been through, when I'm calm, I empathize with her as a human being. She did have a rough life growing up, abused and abandoned, in a divorced home, learning from her parents what cheating is. I also think of all the dumb stuff I've done that was hurtful to her but I overcame it and grew from it. Though nothing like this mind you.

She does not get a pass for the erroneous betrayal. She finally gets to experience what it's like in a life without me. All throughout our marriage when we had problems I would fight for our love. But this time... this time it is her turn to. I have disconnected as far as I can. If she wants to destroy our family and live with the karma then that's how it is. If she wants to repent then that's how it is. Reconciliation won't be possible otherwise.

Our marriage was the most stability she has had in her life. She was so happy in it at first because it was the love and family she never had but she grew tired of it. She started to resent me for not living a life she deems fit which is a life that is unstable, like the one she had before we were together. People who have grown up in chaos can't accept normalcy unless they dig deep and overcome the past trauma. So even though she has this resentment and blame, it is misplaced. By totally cutting her off she will experience day and day again what her old world was like. She describes one of the worst times in her life was when she was in college, drinking heavily and partying soullessly. Well that's exactly what she is doing now. She made the choice, because this was the fun she thought she was missing. How quick she forgot her past.

She is now under the extreme pressure of the consequences of her own actions. And the reality that very soon I will totally move on, out of state, and permanently shut the door. She no longer has my support to fallback on without a complete change in herself. She can't even start a discussion with me unless she shows me she is changing. She has to pay for all her bills, do the laundry, cook, clean, get groceries, change her oil, taxes.. Do all this work I was doing the majority of. I really carried her though life. School starts again in a month and she'll be back in the hard grind of real life working as a teacher. Time is of the essence for her. Yes adultery is absolutely disgusting to me but it's just a side effect of her brokenness and not something that can't be healed if she does the work.

[This message edited by ThankYah at 10:27 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

ThankYah,

You are a religious man, but you are considering taking back an adulteress wife after your divorce if she changes her ways.

Please consider what the bible says on this:

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 ESV

When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance.

I definitely read this as being against the will of God to take back a woman who has engaged in sexual congress with another man.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 11:43 PM, June 30th (Wednesday)]

@DictumVeritas

I know the verses. Arguably I never wrote a certificate of divorce. She chose to divorce and remarry another through the original marriage of becoming one flesh. The Torah taught that adulterers and the partner are to be killed. Yahshua told us "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first" referring to the woman caught in adultery. There is also the story of Hosea where G-D commanded him to take back his wife after being unfaithful.

I see nothing wrong with taking her back if she is willing to make right. That'd really be a beautiful thing. It's not like she never had sex with another man before we were together. It is terrible that she betrayed me and did that during our marriage. Though she is the only woman I've ever had sex with and that fact is very meaningful to me.

[This message edited by ThankYah at 12:13 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

Forgiving infidelity to the extent of not executing the adulteress and taking her back into a marriage are two different things all together. Almost like saying because some apples are red, pears are red, because they have fruit in common.

I was just wondering why you would be so keen to take back someone who so clearly has no respect for you as a husband.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 1:36 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

Not keen to take her back as is at all. Her current self is dead to me which makes it so easy to shut her out and stop speaking to her. I’m disgusted by her right now. I would be very keen to take back a redeemed version of her. But she has shown nothing to prove that to me.

I want to be prepared for any possibility down the line. I know it is very hopeful thinking. Anything is possible. But whatever the outcome is, it will be great, because I won’t accept anything less. It is over forever if she can’t figure it out shortly. Hearing from those who have gone similar routes separated with NC gives insight on real world experience.

You have just touched the crux what where I was leading to:

Her current self is dead to me which makes it so easy to shut her out and stop speaking to her. I’m disgusted by her right now. I would be very keen to take back a redeemed version of her.

You actually don't want her at all. She has now shown you who she really is, believe her.

The dead have a tendency to remain dead and waiting on them to resurrect mostly always leads to us wasting our own lives.

The redeemed version of her can much more easily be found in another woman, a woman with more integrity than to betray the man she is married to (formally or spiritually).

It's time for you to be as selfish as she is. I would highly suggest that you see a lawyer to find out your exact legal standing.

You will be wise to have an STD test done, you have no idea what she has exposed you to already and some of those nasty bugs are deadly.

I am sorry you are experiencing this betrayal, it hurts and I wish you well.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 2:52 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

I'm three years separated now, two years on my own, and I can tell you that life is much better. While I was married, my friends would give me shit for working so hard while my wife was lazy. I had no idea my relationship was so toxic, and people had to point it out to me. Some people called her an emotional vampire, which really made sense to me.

Now that I am on my own, I cannot explain the peace I feel. It is nothing short of intoxicating. I have so little to do, that I finally gave time to work on me. I exercise, go out, read, write, travel and try new things. Hell, I even dated for a bit, but have chosen to go monk mode.

So S has been good for me, but for my STBXWW, not so much. Occasionally, she tells me her struggles. It seems she confuses me with someone who gives a shit, but as Intel is currency, I listen. She has discovered that life is work...hard work, and if you put it off, as she is prone to do, it piles up. I just smile at the irony. She wanted some excitement in her life. Well, she got some. Should have read the back side of the brochure...

Thank Yah::

I posted earlier for you to get out of the limbo you are in based on the fact that your WW is not acting remorseful. But I failed to relate my experience.

Can your WW do the necessary work to rebuild your trust and continue your relationship? IDK.

But in our case my fWW did just that. Yes, in my experience it is possible. But she has a ton of work to do and needs humility above all else.

My fWW and I were separated for five months after Dday and headed for D with virtually NC. After five months she pursued me and tracked me down intent on saving our M. She had done immense work on herself in the interim and convinced me to give her a chance. She was steadfast in her actions and honest. Her attitude towards me and our M was a complete 180. That was decades ago and we are happily still together. Just wanted to share. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:58 AM, July 1st (Thursday)]

@DictumVeritas

Thank you for the sound advice. And it's definitely easier to find morality in another woman that already has it.

@Justsomeguy

Hahah. It is great to regain yourself when you are away from the toxic treatment huh. That's what I'm experiencing now. The power is invograting. I read your short story. Before you tried to reconcile had you implemented any consequences/boundaries?

@fareast

That's great. That's my hope. I'm at the separated and NC point now. I'll be working, picking up children when it's my turn, living my life. Like you said, who knows whether or not she'll do the work.

A lot come here living on hopium.

From what I’ve seen you’re better off learning to deal with reality.

Hey OP. I went through two Ddays. The first was her attempt to throw me off the scent. Actually, it was more complicated than that. She admitted to an infatuation with a dentist that had left for another city. Curiously enough, his wife had run off with some guy and he was absolutely devastated. Turns out, mu STBXWW'S confession was a rude. She was knee deep into the affair with her cowboy when she confessed.

Anyway, Dday#2 hit where she was forced to confess or be outed. I said some things I'm very proud of...and kicked her ass to the guest room. After that, I was a shithead. After about two weeks, i offered R. I hadn't discovered this site yet and had no idea what I was doing. Man, the mistakes I made. When I offered R, she said I was doing it just to look good to her family. That should have raised a huge red flag for me. She sees relationships as transactional.

Long story short, I felt I had to at least attempt R, for the sake of my kids, when deep down, I knew it was a dealbreaker. Even my friends were giving me shit for trying. Anyway, I followed the SI advice of waiting 6 months to make a decision, which I now strongly disagree with, and set a date by which she shat or got off the pot. Well, she did neither. In fact, this was a given. She was never a person who ever did anything unless she was pushed. She has a laziness of spirit, and I knew she wouldn't step up. Why would she? Shes never had to before.

So, 7 months post Dday, I called it. It was the first time I had known peace in two years. I had just returned from a solo bike trip where I had really delved into my situation, and I asked her one simple question. What are YOU doing to help me heal? And you know what the stupid fuck said? I can't be there for you until you are in a better place, because you make me feel too guilty.... Holy shit! I had no idea stupid people were that stupid. Everytime I tell this story, same reaction...are you fucking kidding me???

So I looked at her and told her I was done then I went to bed. There are times I wish I had turned around to see the look on her face, but I think I would have been disappointed. As with most of her life, she would have missed the significance of the moment. Although I seem to be bashing my STBXWW, I am just presenting the unvarnished reality of who she is. We married young, and I assumed she would grow and evolve as she aged. She was never wired for that. So at 50ish, she is just an older version of her 20 year old self. Sad really.

It makes me think of Macbeth, as he voices regret for the shitshow his life has become, when he says, "And that which should accompany old age,

As honor, love, obedience, troops of friends,

I must not look to have — but, in their stead,

Curses, not loud but deep, mouth-honor, breath

Which the poor heart would fain deny, and dare not."

As we get older, the aggregate worth of our characters carry us through the final years. With cheaters, not so much...

Did I mention I'm elbow deep into some Merlot?

Double post

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:16 AM, July 2nd (Friday)]

@Marz

Yes. I'm learning. Working through all these attachments I still have. I need to redirect my hope to better things.

@Justsomeguy

Tough man. That's a long marriage.

I'm having difficulty even emailing my WW about children. She asked if I could watch the children a few hours on July 4th, likely so she will go party with AP, get drunk, have sex, who knows. In my mind I'm thinking FK YOU. I don't even want to respond. Also I did watch the children last weekend. How did y'all handle contact when for me I don't want to even send her a word because it feels like she is getting something out of me when I do, even if it is technically about children. Gosh man.