SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (m30) have been with my wife (f30) for 14 years, married for 5. She’s amazing, annoying sometimes, but all minor. She’s an amazing stepmom to my daughter, who’s 14 and needs a strong female roll model. She always said I was the best and I spoiled her.

Our sex life was fantastic. At least 3-4 times a week, minimum. Sometimes 2-3 times a night. We talked about having a threesome with another woman before, and got real close once, but she decided she couldn’t handle it emotionally. That was about 2 years ago. I never looked back.

At least 3 of her friends have had physical, extramarital affairs. I always joked that they would convince her to do it, or that since they did it, so she might think it’s ok. She always assured me she wouldn’t, she could never…

She always kept her phone in her pillowcase, so she could hear her alarms. I never really had a need to snoop. But on this morning, it was just out and on the bed. So I looked. No weird texts. I accidentally took a screenshot. So I went into her pictures, to delete it, I was embarrassed for being nosy. I went into the deleted file to double delete it. And there were some nudes in there, nudes I have never seen. I went back into her main picture file, and started to scroll up. There were a bunch of nudes I have never seen. Hundreds of pictures and I only got back to April of this year. And they were everywhere, at the house, in the car, at her job, in public restrooms. Using all the toys that me and her had used together. And I found one of her tits, with another mans name written on them. It said “blank’s sl*t”. I sent that picture to my phone.

I quit smoking six months ago. I called into work and drove to the gas station for cigarettes. She woke up and called me. I told her to call in so we could talk, she asked why, and I said we need to talk about this guy.

She was in the front yard when I got home. We stayed there to avoid waking up my daughter. She told me she met him 2 years ago. He said she was pretty and he gave her his number. The pictures and sexting started immediately. She says she never met him in person again and I believe her. She says none of her friends know about it, and I believe that too.

I’m so hurt. How could she do this? I pay the mortgage, both car payments, the phone bill. I want to leave her with no where to go, no way to get there, and no way to call for help. I feel like the life we’ve been building means nothing. I’m bouncing wildly from angry to distraught. Every memory from the last two years has been tainted. She said she couldn’t lose me, that it was a mistake. She couldn’t give me a reason why she did it either. I told her I want to fuck her best friend in front of her as revenge, and she agreed. This chick has wanted to be with me for a while, and never hid it. So I knew she’d agree, but I mostly said I wanted to to hurt my wife and get even. I don’t even know if I want to actually do it.

This was all two days ago, and she keeps pushing to start marriage counseling. I don’t know if I want to stay yet. I feel like she would still be talking to him today if I didn’t find out. And she wants to start counseling now? I need to process. The only things keeping me around currently are her abilities as a stepmom, I believe that she never met him physically, and I believe none of her friends know. If any of those are compromised, it’s over.

I can’t talk to anyone about this, I’m so embarrassed. I feel so stupid. All the times she said she preferred to work at the office, all the times I thought she was playing stupid games on her phone, anytime she went to the restroom in public while we were out together, it’s all running through my head. All the times we joked about her friends being cheaters, and she assured me she wasn’t like that.

Right now, I want fix it. But there’s a few things I think I need. I don’t think I want to have sex with her friend, thinking about it, that’s really fucked up. I want to have sex with somebody, so I feel like I got more than even, turn this into a net positive, and know that if we stay together, it’s because I want her, not need her.

If we don’t stay together, I feel like I can never trust another woman, like she ruined me.

Either way, I’m damaged goods. I really don’t know what I want or need. My head is going crazy, I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t tell anybody, because of the embarrassment. I just want advice, comfort, anything.

I’m sorry if this format is wrong, or if this is the wrong place for this sort of thing. I just wanted to talk to somebody. What do I do? How do I go on?

I'm sorry you are in this pain too!

Give yourself some alone time. D-Day is usually where you don't know what to do and you need time to process all the information you got. It is usually advised that you get to separate physically from your WW during this time and let yourself process all the information and think about the next steps you need to take.

All the best!

I don't know why you believe her. She's been lying to you for 2 years.

Men don't typically enter into affairs to send naked pics. They're there for the sex. And 2 years, when distance isn't a factor, is a long time for a man to invest in a married woman.

Her friends are all cheaters. Why wouldn't she have told them?

Take her phone. Download software that will retrieve deleted emails,texts,and pics. You deserve the truth.

You're in shock. When that wears off, you will realize that the possibility of her not having sex with this man is extremely low. In the meantime, you need to be tested for stds. Her too.

Don't bother with MC. She cheated. She needs therapy to figure out why she did this. It has absolutely nothing to do with you,or the marriage.

She needs to immediately become 100% transparent. You get full access to all accounts, email,bank, social media, and her phone. Passwords included. And tell her she isn't to delete anything.

Your best bet is to schedule a polygraph, and have her take it. You can't begin to attempt reconciliation, until you know the truth. And you don't have it.

Do not tell her about this site.

Trash1006,

Sorry to hear you're in this situation - it is not your fault.

First thing is both of you need to go to IC and AVOID MC. The marriage did NOT cause the infidelity. You need to go to IC to process the pain and confusion of your wife's infidelity. Your wife need to go to IC to understand why she gave herself permission to betray her vows to you and what she needs to do to prevent it in the future. MC can happen at a later date if necessary.

You need to take care of your health. Try to eat regularly, drink plenty of water, sleep 8 hours a night and hit the gym.

If you want to reconcile, you need to understand what you are forgiving. You stated

She says she never met him in person again and I believe her. She says none of her friends know about it, and I believe that too.

She has lied to you for TWO YEARS. Why would you believe she hasn't met him in person and did more than sexting? Maybe she hasn't gone beyond sexting, but you shouldn't believe anything she says. Have her write out a timeline of the affair, everything that happened, and how she was feeling. This can be used in IC but more importantly, it can be used in a polygraph test to determine if she's come clean about everything.

Your wife should also write out a NC message that you review and approve before sending - it should be brief and to the point. No contact forever. The OM needs to be blocked on all apps and anytime he tries to contact her, she needs to inform you.

Lastly, consider using some VARs in her car and wherever she talks on the phone (bedroom, etc.). This can help you understand if she is breaking NC and what she is thinking when she speaks to friends or family.

Good luck!

Very sorry you are in this situation. Most likely your wife has had sex with other men. The best way to shake the truth out of her is to demand she take a polygraph test. Tell her if she lies on the test, you are done with her. That might make her tell you the entire truth. Good luck, you certainly didn't deserve this crap. Her friends' extramarital activities helped lower her guard and made what she did more palatable to her.

Oh boy. Another 2 year “mistake” like we see here a lot. You might want to tell her you don’t buy that. That it was thousands of decisions, lies, omissions, half truths and general betrayal coupled with utmost disrespect to you, your child, and even herself.

Think of it this way. Who other than a moron or insane person would do this for a man she met on only one occasion? This is something no one would expect you to believe.

And by the way, what prevents the photos from being shared around let alone on some porn site? His honor? And what do you know about this guy?

Your choices are stark. Spend the next several years dealing with this every day as you uncover more info and hope for the best while being miserable.

Or kick her like a wicked bad habit and spend months in recovery with the knowledge you are no longer with a sick liar. And be fine in less than a year. Then go fuck her friend.

Trash1006,

One other important point. Do you know if the OM is married or in a relationship? If so, you should inform the OBS about the OM's activities with your wife. Do not let your wife know you are doing this. Nothing kills an affair like sunshine and transparency. Besides, the OBS needs to know. If your wife gets upset with you, you'll know she's still in contact and is trying to protect the OM.

I think HellFire is spot on. Unless this is some high school dweeb or dirty old man, doing this for two years without meeting for sex would be abnormal. If you cannot get satisfaction from info from her phone, maybe think about a polygraph. And contact this idiot and see to it things are cut off. If he's married, see to it his wife knows as well. Be patient, deliberate, protect your child and yourself.

I actually posted this a couple days ago to a different website. It wasn’t very helpful. So I copy/pasted it here. I’m struggling through the acronyms, and I appreciate all your replies.

The reason I believe she never met him, we share a vehicle, and I’ve never noticed anything weird, or wondered where she was at. Our sex life never suffered. I believe she is sick, and struggles with self-image issues. I believe that’s why she did this.

I always thought I would have never forgiven cheating, but being faced with my life completely changing, and losing everything I thought I was working towards, I want to work through this, but if I find out he touched her, I don’t know if I could go on.

Right now, we’re pretending while I have my daughter around. She goes home in two weeks, and then we’ll face it. I looked through her phone again, and she deleted all the pictures, I saw her last backup was before I found it, and I turned off further backups, so I can restore it.

I feel like a pathetic loser who couldn’t keep his wife happy. I used to make fun of guys who got cheated on. How could they not know? How could they be so stupid? I feel so weak, so low. I have the moral high ground, but it’s not helpful. I played by the rules of marriage and monogamy and got punished for it. Even if we stay together, I feel I’ve become so broken, so damaged, I’ll be so toxic, she’ll leave anyway. Should I waste the time? I know she could be lying, and I want to know the truth and all the details, but I’m waiting until the kid goes home.

Thank you for all your replies. I can’t talk to anyone. I feel like I might explode.

I'm sorry you're here, brother. It just really sucks.

The only thing I am going to address is this:

Did she have physical access to him? If so, She has fucked him. And over 2 years? She has fucked him a lot.

Adults that have physical access to each other don't stop at sexting. They have sex.

Get her phone and run a recovery on it. Or bluff her and tell her you are taking it to a place that will do it for you and if you find one inconsistency from what she has told you, that you'll be filing for D the next day.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:05 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

Sorry for you're here.

We talked about having a threesome with another woman before, and got real close once, but she decided she couldn’t handle it emotionally. That was about 2 years ago. I never looked back.

2 years ago, that is when her A with AP started. She may have offered this later to add him to your trio.

At least 3 of her friends have had physical, extramarital affairs. I always joked that they would convince her to do it, or that since they did it, so she might think it’s ok. She always assured me she wouldn’t, she could never…

There is an idiom in my language; "Tell me about your friend and I will tell you who you are."

It is not surprising that someone who lives in an environment where cheating is seen as normal and legitimate should cheat.

She told me she met him 2 years ago. He said she was pretty and he gave her his number. The pictures and sexting started immediately. She says she never met him in person again and I believe her. She says none of her friends know about it, and I believe that too.

There is a bit of a flaw in her explanation.

"He gave her number, and she took it, and she called him, and so on..."

Unless the AP lives thousands of miles away or something, it's impossible that they haven't met. They may also have met if he lived thousands of miles away.

Do you really believe that her friends don't know she's cheating when even you know her friends are cheating? They probably talking about everything and she may be afraid that if you talk to them about it, you will learn more.

She said she couldn’t lose me, that it was a mistake.

The mistake is to take a screenshot as you did. Things like intentionally taking a photo, sending it to someone, writing "AP's slut" on your tit don't happen by mistake. Taking that number, calling him, and what happened afterward were all deliberate choices.

I told her I want to fuck her best friend in front of her as revenge, and she agreed.

Don't do that. This will only make things worse. It doesn't equal you.

This was all two days ago, and she keeps pushing to start marriage counseling. I don’t know if I want to stay yet. I feel like she would still be talking to him today if I didn’t find out.

MC is useless at this stage. You can both start IC. She is the broken one, not you, not the M.

I believe that she never met him physically, and I believe none of her friends know. If any of those are compromised, it’s over.

Don't believe a single word of a proven liar.

If we don’t stay together, I feel like I can never trust another woman, like she ruined me.

You can't be sure of it but if you stay with her, be sure that you can never trust her.

You seem to be the dominant person in your relationship, so I don't think you are going to nice her back or do pick me dance. But let me just say, don't do these things, it never works.

You have 2 options Divorce or Reconciliation.

To learn about your legal options see a lawyer first.

If you choose the D, just file and serve her.

If you choose R, first of all you need to know the whole truth, so you'll see what you're R with.

Full transparency required, electronic devices, passwords etc.

Get VARs. Have it on you and put it where she talks on the phone.

Ask her for a detailed timeline of the A to subject to the polygraph test.

If AP is married or in a relationship, expose them to OBS about their A without informing your wife.

Others will also give very good advice. Everyone here is very experienced in these matters. Consider them.

Good luck.

So where does this guy live? How much freedom does your wife have? How hard would have been for her to meet him or him her? Right now nothing she says can be believed. Tell her NOT to erase any evidence, pictures, texts, emails, etc. Demand a 100% timeline, his name, where he lives, marital status, ect. Go over it. Make HER read it aloud to YOU. Tell her this is her ONLY chance to come clean and tell the ENTIRE truth. After that tell her you still don't believe her and you want a polygraph. Many times this results in a parking lot confession. Counseling? Individual for you with an infidelity specialist with trauma training. Her to figure herself out. The road ahead is tough but you can do it. Notice I did not say to reconcile?

You wouldn't have noticed anything off,because you trusted her.

She could have very easily said she was with friends, at the store, at work,etc, and you wouldn't have known she was with him. He could have picked her up or met her.

Polygraph.

If you do decide to reconcile, the first thing she must do is dump her skank girlfriends. You need to get to the bottom of all her lies. A physical encounter is quite possible. A polygraph is necessary.

Sorry you are here.

The only things keeping me around currently are her abilities as a stepmom

I find the above interesting though. Do you want your daughter to see someone with a character flaw like your WW as a good role model in a stepmom?

Sending strengths and good luck.

You have been given great advice, so the only thing I will add, is this:

Right now, I want fix it.

If there is anything you will need to 'fix', it would be yourself. Use this 'fixing' energy to focus and 'fix' (read as 'heal') yourself.

Don't focus on the M at the moment, nor your daughter. Whichever way your M heads, your daughter will need a strong parent as role model.

Don't try and 'fix' your M, as you do not have a functioning M at the moment, so counselling on the M is not where you should put your focus or energies at.

Anyway, if you decide to humour your WS and attend a M counselling session, all you will hear are excuses for why she did it. You will probably be blamed for 'causing' her to have her A. You will probably hear things about your M that you never knew about as the WS has re-written the history.

Ok I know your mind is racing. But nothing gets fixed in a day. You have a lot of time. This is a very slow process. No matter which direction you go, it’s going to take time. In one week you will be wiser than you are today. And you’ll understand even more in a month and even more in a year.

So the only thing I recommend you do right at this moment is this. Tell your wife if she wants even a chance to stay in a relationship with uou and rebuild … even a chance… she will never delete something from her phone again without your concurrence. Tell her if she does, divorce papers will be served the next day.

And if it were me, I’d ask her for possession of her phone right at this minute and tell her she’ll get it back when you are done looking at it.

Then restore it and back up every picture and text message. Tell her you will need this for the work you are going to do to try and rebuild and it will not be sent anywhere. You need to know what you are recovering from. More important than the pictures are the words they said to each other.

I will tell you it IS possible to rebuild from this. The odds are against you. It is also likely you will D someday down the road.

But you are no where close to be able to make that decision. So don’t try. You are sad. You are hurt. You’ve just been emotionally shot in the chest and you are still trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t.

This is triage. The goal is to stabilize and then start to process.

We got you. You’re in good hands. Take some breaths and slow down.

We’re waiting until my daughter goes home to hash this out. In the meantime, I have poured over her phone, found nothing new. Nothing even mentions him when she’s texting her friends. I tried to go through social media, but I’m not good at that stuff. She said they only communicated over text, and occasionally Snapchat. She agreed to a lie detector test. She pretty much said I could have whatever I want.

I wanted AP’s info. All she knows is his first name and that he was married when they met. She said she always deletes his texts, so she doesn’t have his number. She said she would let me know if he texts her again, so I could do what I want with his number. I hope she’s telling the truth. But she did lie to me for 2 years.

When we talk, my emotions for her take over, and I know she’s telling the truth. She truly seems to regret it. She emotionally prostrates herself to me. When we’re not together, logic tells me she’s lying to protect herself. She’s wants to start counseling now. I told her I want to wait. She said she has already contacted a therapist for herself. She agreed that I could have a hall pass for revenge, I told her I don’t want it, at least not yet. I want the truth and all the details.

This is still so murky. Thank for all your responses. It really helps, since I have no one else to turn to.

Hi, im so sorry to hear what has happened.

That feeling at that moment you find something on a partners phone is excruciating and its the beginning of an endless thinking train of thoughts of what they did, their sneakiness and lies.

Staying with your partner that has betrayed you is torture, i know this as i have stayed with my cheating partner and the trust i had for him is destroyed and also trust in everything else is destroyed also.

i would love to give you positive feedback and tell you everything is going to be ok but i truly believe that once a cheater always a cheater.

Ive stayed with my cheating bf for nearly 2 years and it doesnt get easier, it messes with your head every single day from the moment you open your eyes and things wont ever be like how it used to be however if my bf finally has the balls to admit to his cheating i could probably walk away alot easier , at least your wife admitted to everything.

Its only a decision that you can make regarding to leaving or not, everyones circumstances are different but i truly believe its true when you said you'll be damaged goods because i strongly believe that i am somewhat ruined now.

I am grateful to have found this site as i dont feel alone anymore or ashamed and stupid. This happens to alot of people and the advice and stories that i read here is putting things into perspective.

Will she agree to a recovery being run on her phone?