I feel like an empty vessel. I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. It's been one week since I found out it actually was physical. But it's been almost 5 months since I found out he was talking to her. I finally pissed her off enough to get her to reveal the truth because he never would.
Of course after I got the truth from her he fessed up. She gave me lots of details he gave me some I'm know are lies. I'm not sure if she was lying because she still has hope I'll leave him and she'll get him or what? Some things I know for sure that aren't true is she said they were sleeping together for only the last 3 weeks of the 47 day affair. But I know the exact days they hung out, and it was only the last week. Then there's her telling me that he would stay at her house until she had to leave for work. But I have camera proof of what time he was getting home. And then as soon as he got home there was text proof that he text her. Then there's her telling me that he told her he was going to leave me. And that he was developing feelings for her. He says neither of those are true. He said she never mentioned developing feelings for him either.
Would it be a good idea to make him take me to the place they first had sex? And give me an entire rundown of how it went? I guess you could say I'm pain shopping? It's just these last few days of feeling nothing at all I don't know what to think or do.
When it all first came out he was refusing counseling. But when the truth finally came out about it being physical I told him it was non-negotiable. He has agreed and he has done a complete 180 on how he was treating me, I can see that he is actually very sorry now and he's very nice when it comes to my questions. He has even cred a few times which he never did. He was just angry all the time. I'm guessing it was because he was still living with a huge lie so he was angry all the time? But I wonder if since I know it was physical he thinks the other small details don't matter. But I think that they do.
I don't know what to believe anymore. He says it was still just a friendship to him but how do you sleep with someone who's just a friend? I know he's been in a really dark place and we've been struggling in our marriage for a long time. Him not feeling wanted or heard. And don't get me wrong he's came to me with these concerns and I would just try and fix it for a little bit and then return back to the same way. But I also had my own issues in the marriage that he too would never fix. The differences is I never cheated. I guess you could say in my mind I just figured we would be this way and eventually would get better when we didn't have young kids in the house because everybody knows they take a lot of time. I've learned that I should have put my marriage first before the kids. They need to have a good foundation.
So I guess maybe he just used her and told her what she wanted to hear? But why can't he tell me? He told me he made it clear to her from the start that it was just a friendship and that when she told him feelings would develop that she needed to tell him.
Was he actually that blind? Could he actually not see she was developing feelings? She admitted to me that she was trying to protect him in the beginning and that's why I think she developed strong feelings. Because I think in her mind she was hoping I would kick him out and then she could have him.
When that didn't happen she got angry and I added her on Snapchat and would post things knowing eventually I would piss her off enough to spill the truth... and it worked.
He gave her a t-shirt of his that she asked for, I'm guessing so she could have something when they couldn't be together. Because she knew he was married and that they couldn't spend a whole lot of time together. He says he gave it to her because she was just a friend. My husband also wears lots of rings and he has a bunch in his car that he doesn't wear anymore because of work and he gave her one of those too. But again was he so blind to not realize that she had feelings for him? Why else would she want a shirt of his?
Also is it a good idea to meet up with her to get the shirt from her? She offered to do that I'm just not sure how I will feel seeing her in person. I don't want those things and I plan on trashing them but I don't want her to have them either. Maybe now that I'm numb would be a good time because I don't really feel anything at all. And not feeling anything at all has been scary.
She did confirm that he did go NC after original D-Day. So that's reassuring. But I also found out that she left a couple of things on his car while he was at work but she did confirm he never left anything on hers.
Again that's all reassuring that he was able to just go completely NC as soon as I found out? Do you think that means what he says it means? That it didn't mean anything at all to him. Just that he liked the attention she was giving because he wasn't getting it at home He felt his own wife didn't want him?
The hardest struggle for me is the fact that I had so much trust in him, despite our struggles in our marriage I never for a second thought he could cheat on me. I would have put that on my kids lives. And now I look at him and he almost looks like a stranger.
A little more backstory, he has accused me of cheating our entire marriage. He hasn't trusted me since he found me messaging a guy that lived in another country, and I wouldn't show him the messages. Mostly out of stubbornness because it was all innocent. Just talking about our cultures and whatnot.
Looking back now I know I should have just been upfront and honest with him. So he's not using this stuff as an excuse because he says what he did is unexcusable but what he is doing is saying he knows what I'm going through. There are a couple other things that he came across that made him think I was cheating. Like once about a year into our relationship my niece said some guy came over, she was three at the time. And he says I've always said kids don't lie typically when they see something they say something and don't just fester something up. Which I believe to be mostly true however, it could have been one of my dad's friends, it could have been one of my brother's friends, it could have been her mom's friend..
Then there's this one that's still baffles me. He was outside with our neighbors one day, their kids were doing a lemonade stand. A truck pulled up and the little neighbor girl who was around three or four asked my son who was the same age if that was his second daddy... And then apparently my son named him. I don't know if he misunderstood what they were saying or what My mind is just blown over this.
Then there's the more recent one. It was in December I came home from a trip with my mother-in-law and before I could even get in the door he's grilling me about this porn video he found that he swears is me. No matter what I have said he hasn't believed it. It was about 2 weeks after this that he started talking to this woman. He says it wasn't revenge or out of anger.. But how can it not be? First of all I'm not stupid enough to cheat, second of all if I was I wouldn't be letting anybody record it and I definitely wouldn't bring someone to my home. Lastly, what are the odds that he would stumble across a video of me that he thinks was from years ago? On a random porn site? I told him that I wished it was me in that video so that I would at least deserve this pain that I'm going through. And then honestly it maybe wouldn't hurt so much because I deserved it. Says what's more fishy is that after he confronted me about it it was taken down even though it had been posted for about a year. Which I guess that does look a little sketchy, but I know I never cheated.
I'm at a loss of what to do here because I feel like we can never move forward as long as he thinks these are me. And keep saying he knows what I'm going through.
Sorry it's super long, anyways any advice would be helpful.