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Topic is Sleeping.
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 6:40 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I feel like an empty vessel. I feel nothing at all. I'm completely numb. It's been one week since I found out it actually was physical. But it's been almost 5 months since I found out he was talking to her. I finally pissed her off enough to get her to reveal the truth because he never would.

Of course after I got the truth from her he fessed up. She gave me lots of details he gave me some I'm know are lies. I'm not sure if she was lying because she still has hope I'll leave him and she'll get him or what? Some things I know for sure that aren't true is she said they were sleeping together for only the last 3 weeks of the 47 day affair. But I know the exact days they hung out, and it was only the last week. Then there's her telling me that he would stay at her house until she had to leave for work. But I have camera proof of what time he was getting home. And then as soon as he got home there was text proof that he text her. Then there's her telling me that he told her he was going to leave me. And that he was developing feelings for her. He says neither of those are true. He said she never mentioned developing feelings for him either.

Would it be a good idea to make him take me to the place they first had sex? And give me an entire rundown of how it went? I guess you could say I'm pain shopping? It's just these last few days of feeling nothing at all I don't know what to think or do.

When it all first came out he was refusing counseling. But when the truth finally came out about it being physical I told him it was non-negotiable. He has agreed and he has done a complete 180 on how he was treating me, I can see that he is actually very sorry now and he's very nice when it comes to my questions. He has even cred a few times which he never did. He was just angry all the time. I'm guessing it was because he was still living with a huge lie so he was angry all the time? But I wonder if since I know it was physical he thinks the other small details don't matter. But I think that they do.

I don't know what to believe anymore. He says it was still just a friendship to him but how do you sleep with someone who's just a friend? I know he's been in a really dark place and we've been struggling in our marriage for a long time. Him not feeling wanted or heard. And don't get me wrong he's came to me with these concerns and I would just try and fix it for a little bit and then return back to the same way. But I also had my own issues in the marriage that he too would never fix. The differences is I never cheated. I guess you could say in my mind I just figured we would be this way and eventually would get better when we didn't have young kids in the house because everybody knows they take a lot of time. I've learned that I should have put my marriage first before the kids. They need to have a good foundation.

So I guess maybe he just used her and told her what she wanted to hear? But why can't he tell me? He told me he made it clear to her from the start that it was just a friendship and that when she told him feelings would develop that she needed to tell him.

Was he actually that blind? Could he actually not see she was developing feelings? She admitted to me that she was trying to protect him in the beginning and that's why I think she developed strong feelings. Because I think in her mind she was hoping I would kick him out and then she could have him.

When that didn't happen she got angry and I added her on Snapchat and would post things knowing eventually I would piss her off enough to spill the truth... and it worked.

He gave her a t-shirt of his that she asked for, I'm guessing so she could have something when they couldn't be together. Because she knew he was married and that they couldn't spend a whole lot of time together. He says he gave it to her because she was just a friend. My husband also wears lots of rings and he has a bunch in his car that he doesn't wear anymore because of work and he gave her one of those too. But again was he so blind to not realize that she had feelings for him? Why else would she want a shirt of his?

Also is it a good idea to meet up with her to get the shirt from her? She offered to do that I'm just not sure how I will feel seeing her in person. I don't want those things and I plan on trashing them but I don't want her to have them either. Maybe now that I'm numb would be a good time because I don't really feel anything at all. And not feeling anything at all has been scary.

She did confirm that he did go NC after original D-Day. So that's reassuring. But I also found out that she left a couple of things on his car while he was at work but she did confirm he never left anything on hers.

Again that's all reassuring that he was able to just go completely NC as soon as I found out? Do you think that means what he says it means? That it didn't mean anything at all to him. Just that he liked the attention she was giving because he wasn't getting it at home He felt his own wife didn't want him?

The hardest struggle for me is the fact that I had so much trust in him, despite our struggles in our marriage I never for a second thought he could cheat on me. I would have put that on my kids lives. And now I look at him and he almost looks like a stranger.

A little more backstory, he has accused me of cheating our entire marriage. He hasn't trusted me since he found me messaging a guy that lived in another country, and I wouldn't show him the messages. Mostly out of stubbornness because it was all innocent. Just talking about our cultures and whatnot.

Looking back now I know I should have just been upfront and honest with him. So he's not using this stuff as an excuse because he says what he did is unexcusable but what he is doing is saying he knows what I'm going through. There are a couple other things that he came across that made him think I was cheating. Like once about a year into our relationship my niece said some guy came over, she was three at the time. And he says I've always said kids don't lie typically when they see something they say something and don't just fester something up. Which I believe to be mostly true however, it could have been one of my dad's friends, it could have been one of my brother's friends, it could have been her mom's friend..

Then there's this one that's still baffles me. He was outside with our neighbors one day, their kids were doing a lemonade stand. A truck pulled up and the little neighbor girl who was around three or four asked my son who was the same age if that was his second daddy... And then apparently my son named him. I don't know if he misunderstood what they were saying or what My mind is just blown over this.

Then there's the more recent one. It was in December I came home from a trip with my mother-in-law and before I could even get in the door he's grilling me about this porn video he found that he swears is me. No matter what I have said he hasn't believed it. It was about 2 weeks after this that he started talking to this woman. He says it wasn't revenge or out of anger.. But how can it not be? First of all I'm not stupid enough to cheat, second of all if I was I wouldn't be letting anybody record it and I definitely wouldn't bring someone to my home. Lastly, what are the odds that he would stumble across a video of me that he thinks was from years ago? On a random porn site? I told him that I wished it was me in that video so that I would at least deserve this pain that I'm going through. And then honestly it maybe wouldn't hurt so much because I deserved it. Says what's more fishy is that after he confronted me about it it was taken down even though it had been posted for about a year. Which I guess that does look a little sketchy, but I know I never cheated.

I'm at a loss of what to do here because I feel like we can never move forward as long as he thinks these are me. And keep saying he knows what I'm going through.

Sorry it's super long, anyways any advice would be helpful.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8669568
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 6:44 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Also to add when I don't feel empty I get sudden fits of rage that come over me, like I need to hit something or break something. I don't but I really feel like I need to. And then I'll feel fine for a second and get slapped in the face with reality, and everything feels so surreal. Because this isn't what I pictured for my life. This isn't something I ever thought he could do. I feel like I'm in purgatory. My father cheated on my mother their entire marriage and I saw what it did to her, I could never do that to somebody I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So it's still so hard to wrap my mind around him doing this when he claims he loves me and never wanted to leave me. He just got wrapped up in the first woman who gave him the attention he wasn't getting at home.

I guess you can say I also need some help to quit blaming myself. Because if I would have been a better wife and there for him then this wouldn't have happened right?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8669569
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:30 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

First I want to say I’m sorry you are living in this nightmare. It’s a toxic relationship and it is destroying you.

I suggest you get some counseling just for you. You need some support right now.

You deserve better than this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10705   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8669577
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 10:48 AM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Did you ever see the porn video that your WH thinks you were in?

Were you around during the lemon aid stand talk?

Giving a "friend" a ring... and a shirt that smells like him... yeah he was leading her on to get what he wanted. Friends don't have sex. They had sex. My guess is that it was the typical affair. He wanted the ego kibbles and sex. She wanted to push things further into a relationship and was grasping at what she could get. He did what he had to do to keep the ego kibbles and sex going.

I'm a bit concerned with his lack of trust in you. Normally the WS tries to make themselves believe that the BS is having an affair to lesson their own guilt. It sounds like his lack of trust in you has been going on for a long time.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8669632
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 12:55 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

The1stWife

I definitely think we both need IC as well.

Freeme

I have seen the video. He's saying the carpet matches ours, you can't see anything but the woman's butt. But there's a couple of socks on the ground that are both different that he says I owned. He recognizes the underwear because they were pulled to the side. I've never had underwear that looked like that but he claims that I did. I did have a nightgown that is somewhat like that and I think that's what he's thinking of. And then there's a video game on the floor that he says he owns that has the same type of sticker on it that his does, which he may because it's a discount sticker from a popular games resell store. And then there's a piece to a gun on the ground that he has as well because we own guns. The quality is really poor so you can't really see the socks that well. And then I found proof that it wasn't me because in the corner of the video you can see an instant pot box. I have one of those but it has never been in one of our rooms for an extend period of time or any time all really. Plus mine is a little bit different of a version and I threw that box away as soon as I opened it and got it. After I found everything out I really studied the video to find something to show him to prove it wasn't me and that was it but he is saying he recognizes the box.

I wasn't there for the incident outside. It's just a really big slap in the face that he says he understands what I'm going through.

But at the same time like I said he's been very remorseful seeming as before I found out it was physical he was not.

Back in my December he got mad at me and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. It scared me so I went to the doctor and got my sex drive under control. I hadn't had one for years and we have been fighting about it for a long time. So he says why now? He said he noticed my efforts in January while he was talking to this other woman but he didn't really care because he thought it was only because he found that video and I got busted.

I keep telling him it was The fact that he hadn't talked to me for 2 weeks and it scared me so I knew I needed to get my shit together. Of course we've gotten in fights before and he hadn't talked to me for maybe no more than a week. This time was different and longer. When I first found out back in January he told me he had never been so mad at me in his entire life. So I guess maybe he had given up?

He says he never left because he loved me and that he can't. I told him I wish he would have just came to me and told me he wanted a divorce.

Do you think having him take me to the first place they slept together is a good idea? Could it be beneficial at all?

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8669655
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Fof9303 ( member #70433) posted at 2:11 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I am sorry you are so hurt right now. It sounds like you both have a lot going on and need to sit down with a counselor to sort this stuff out. With that being said, you should not be talking with his affair partner or believe anything she has to say. She is not trustworthy by any means and will tell you what she wants you to hear. It also only hurts you more. You do not need to know the details, or collect his clothing. This will not make you feel better in the long run. Before doing something, ask yourself if it is really going to help you heal and make you recover. My husband's affair partner reached out to me several times and I never one spoke to her. She was desperate to talk to me, to tell me "everything" My thought was I was destroyed.. why am I going to talk to her or see her and let her see how badly I was devastated. It was not easy... none of this is easy but I got through it with counseling, prayers, and God. Hope your husband does what is needed to fix this for you and that you can both repair your marriage. God Bless

posts: 99   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
id 8670129
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 9:48 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

[This message edited by Felix12306 at 6:09 PM, June 26th (Saturday)]

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8670157
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 9:49 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Fof9309

It's very hard not to talk to her because he had been lying too. If I'm not getting my answers from him I have been getting them from her. It's hard to say who's being truthful about certain questions. The thing is is I posted enough on a private Snapchat to piss her off to where she finally came clean about them sleeping together. And then of course he came clean because I had proof.

But like I said I also know for a fact there are things she's lying about because I have proof but because he lied so much it's hard to believe what he says as well.

The only reason I want to meet up with her is because I don't want her having that stuff. I plan on throwing it away but I just don't want her having it at all. It makes me mad to think about that she has it.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8670158
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 9:49 AM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

Fof9309

It's very hard not to talk to her because he had been lying too. If I'm not getting my answers from him I have been getting them from her. It's hard to say who's being truthful about certain questions. The thing is is I posted enough on a private Snapchat to piss her off to where she finally came clean about them sleeping together. And then of course he came clean because I had proof.

But like I said I also know for a fact there are things she's lying about because I have proof but because he lied so much it's hard to believe what he says as well.

The only reason I want to meet up with her is because I don't want her having that stuff. I plan on throwing it away but I just don't want her having it at all. It makes me mad to think about that she has it.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8670159
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:57 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I don't think he has ever thought you were cheating on him. I think he has been cheating on you for a very long time, and he has been gaslighting you for years. He invents these "affairs" you are having, to justify his behavior.

I think he's had several affairs. This time he got caught.

I'd have him take a polygraph.

posts: 3733   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8670243
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:16 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2021

I agree with HellFire. He’s accused you of cheating to cover up his cheating.

Mind games!!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10705   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8670249
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 Felix12306 (original poster member #78827) posted at 12:08 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

HellFire The1stWife

I actually don't think that is true. I have been doing a lot of research on why spouses constantly accuse their significant other of cheating. From what I have found it can be due to past infidelities, insecure, feeling of low self-esteem and worth, past traumas. His relationship before me his girlfriend cheated on him all the time. And I know he's insecure and has self-esteem and self-worth issues. Depression and anxiety run in his family. I think he's struggled with depression for a long time that has never wanted to admit to it. When this all first came out I asked him if he thought he was depressed and he said at times yes. But he also doesn't feel like he has made anything of himself and isn't where he wants to be in life and says he has nothing to offer. He's the type of person that is ashamed to ask for help or admit to having mental health issues. He was also spanked pretty bad as a child and I know that's something that's been traumatic to him. That's something he spoke to me a little bit about over the years but it took him awhile to even open up about that.

These are things he has to work on in counseling, individual counseling will be something I'm going to require of him. I think for this he just got to his breaking point and because of where I marriage was and he's never tried to get help with his mental health issues he coped in a very bad way. He's never given me any indication that he's been cheating, I've had 100% trust in him until this.

That's what makes this so hard, I even told him it's not the fact that he cheated It's the fact that I had so much trust in him, that I would have put mine and our kids lives on him never doing this. And then he did. It's was so unexpected.

BS Together for 15 years, married for 11. Dd 1/28/21 after a 44-day affair, only last week of affair was physical but didn't find that out until 6/18/21.

posts: 132   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8670263
Topic is Sleeping.
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