SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found this place 17 years ago when my H had an affair with a co-worker. I’ve been here on occasion over the years when he has done something else suspicious but this past weekend he did something I don’t know if I can forgive. Our daughters are now 17 and 14. My daughters and I were out of town this past weekend. DH was going out with friends on Saturday night. The next morning my daughters were going to text him Happy Fathers Day and noticed that he had turned his location off on his phone. The last place it said he was at was the bar he went to. This was very suspicious because he never turns his location off. He turns it back on when he got home Sunday morning. I went to our phone app and noticed he had called a female “friend”Saturday evening before he went out. He also called her around 1:00am. This was a huge red flag for me. I knew something wasn’t right. We got home Monday, I didn’t say a word to him about it because the kids were around. Tuesday morning I asked him if he spent the night at home Saturday night. He said no. I asked him were he stayed and he said the female “friend’s” house. I asked why he cut his location off. He said he didn’t, that he always turns his phone off at night, which is a lie because his last location was the bar he was at. He intentionally cut his location off because he knew he was doing something wrong and didn’t want me to know where he was. He said he drank too much so he spent the night at her house. I’m just so mad that he would do something like this again. He said nothing happened, but I’m having a hard time believing him. He’s out of town until Sunday and I’m so glad he’s out of town so I have time to process what just happened. We’ve been married over 20 years but I just don’t know if I can forgive him again. Even if nothing happened, a married man should never spend the night at another women’s house. Why didn’t he get an Uber? Or go home with a male friend? So many questions I need answers too. So I guess I’m at a cross roads. I forgave him once, do I do it again? Or is this my chance to be free of this type of relationship since he knew if he ever did something again it would be over? Just sad we’re even in this situation again.

I've been here for 13 years and my member number is half of yours now. So sad that so many hurting people have come here since then.

I'm sorry you're going through this BS again, but now you don't have littles to look after I'll be the first to say perhaps it's time to cut your losses and move on. He showed you who he is a long time ago, and you gave him a huge gift of staying.

He's showing you who he still is, so I'd give him the gift of believing him this time around (as in believing this is really who he is) and free yourself from this madness. It's too much the first time. The second time is just sadistic.

Big hugs. Stay close here and you know the drill. Self care, lawyer up, post nup if you decide to stay this time.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:42 AM, June 24th (Thursday)]

This ^^^

Go nuclear.

He deliberately chose to call her at 1 am. He deliberately chose to turn off his location services. He deliberately chose to lie to you…again.

Please choose yourself now. Living with a serial cheater is miserable. You deserve better.

Sounds like after a few drinks he convinced himself that even if you noticed he would be able to talk his way out of trouble. If nothing happened and he had any sense at all he would be setting up a polygraph for himself right now.

Does he normally go out and drink? And if so, is this something that you both agree to....or does he push his boundaries?

Well, he obviously didn't turn his phone off if he called her at 1am. There's a blatant lie right there. I'm so sorry you're here again. Follow your gut; this was no innocent.

The disrespect and lying continues.

You do not have to forgive him. You do not have to stay with him. You do not have to remain married to a guy who CHOSE to cheat on you yet again.

since he knew if he ever did something again it would be over?

Except he didn't know that because there were no consequences last time and you're thinking that you'll take him back now so there won't be consequences this time, either.

There are likely many more times in the past 17 years that he's cheated but you just aren't aware of them.

You can't change the past. What do you want your future to be?

He has shown you who he is, believe him.

It’s going to happen again, because he sees he can get away with it.

Thank you all for the encouragement, advice and support. I think I know what I need to do but the thought of D is both so scary but freeing all at the same time. I really hope I find out more details about what happened Saturday night, but not sure if I would even get the truth. Just the fact that he spent the night at another women’s house (almost half our age) and tried to hide is enough for me, especially given his history.

I will say that people find love again in their 50s, 60s, 70s.

If you see a lawyer just to get an idea of where you'd be in a divorce - length of marriage and kids means you're likely to be financially great.

I know first hand how hard it is to leave. I would say you should think hard about what will give you the best chance at long-term peace, contentment and joy and go for that.

Is it better to be single or with someone who has betrayed you? Some people can do the latter, some can't.

"the thought of D is both so scary but freeing all at the same time".

I get it. I feel devastated and free at the same time.

Just found out again myself yesterday.

I’m sorry 2021sf. So sorry you had to go through this again too.

H swears nothing happened. Said he know he was wrong and he’s so sorry, wants to stay together. He will make changes etc. Not sure if I believe that nothing happened or not. We have a wonderful family and kids and I feel like he would lie just to try to save his reputation and financial security. But then maybe he’s not lying. But he still should have never stayed at her house and hid it anyways. So even if nothing happened it’s still so wrong. But he did take responsibility and said things will change. We do have a overall great relationship considering his past affair, so this just hurts and makes me wonder what else he has hid. I’ve been going back in detective mode and I can’t stand that feeling. It’s so exhausting. Why can’t people just be honest and do the right thing?

There is always a polygraph. In the hands of an expert, it might be helpful. It might get him to confess. Unlikely nothing happened. Talk to the other woman. Ask her about what happened that night. May I missed something, but given his track record, he has no business going to a bar without you.

[This message edited by src9043 at 3:43 PM, June 29th (Tuesday)]

Just the fact that he spent the night at another women’s house (almost half our age) and tried to hide is enough for me, especially given his history.

This is enough. Does it REALLY matter if he had intercourse or they just kissed or did something in between? He lied and cheated. Period.

I’m not telling you to D or R or S. I’m just pointing out that you don’t need any more information. You have enough to base your decision and future on.

Maybe you need to put together your exit plan. Maybe it will take a few months. That’s ok. You need to figure out what is best for you. I planned my plan B immediately after dday1 just in case. 10 days later I needed it b/c my cheating H wants a D! For someone half his age that he knew a few months. Unfortunately I was not in a position to up and leave.

But by the time dday2 rolled around six months after dday1 I was armed and prepared and ready. And when I told him I was D him - HE WAS BLINDSIDED. He never expected it and he never saw it coming.

Why? Because after his first affair it was swept under the rug and there were no consequences. I was foolish and not well informed (no SI back then).

I’m sorry for you and your children. You deserve better than this.

I found my first ex was a habitual cheater. Sorry to hear you are in similar place.

Stayinghopefull, I hope your user name is for you, not for him or the marriage. The others are right, he has shown you who he is.

I found myself in a similar situation 14yrs after joining SI. Like The1stWife, the first affair (LTA 5rs) was never dealt with. DH tried to fix ME rather than himself. He broke me and tried to rugsweep what had happened. December 2019 he met another old gf and decided to have another affair (9mths). I got rock solid evidence and he was busted. I have to bide my time while our house is being renovated. We have no fault D from August so my solicitor is happy for me to go with that once the house is done. DH wants us to stay married and gives me the usual shit about loving me, he’s sorry, he didn’t know why he did it, blah blah crap. But I will not live with someone who treats me so shabbily. We get on well and he is in therapy this time, but that isn’t enough for me.

Once you have been betrayed, you tend to listen to your inner self. You knew something was off. It doesn’t matter about how he came to stay at this woman’s house for the night – the fact is he lied. Not telling you is the same as lying by omission. You had to ask him, he didn’t offer. He didn’t tell you beforehand what he was planning to do. And yes, he should have got an Uber if he had drunk too much, but he didn’t. Don’t buy into any of his crap. If you stay, he will carry on in the same way, but maybe get better at hiding it. Or perhaps this incident was a slip-up on his part and he’s actually been doing this all along.

There are some who say that everyone deserves a second chance. You were gracious enough to give him a second chance and he abused it. And lied. This shows the true character of the man. Believe what you are seeing. You could stay together with some kind of in-house agreement, but I would say to get some legal advice to know exactly where you stand should you decide to divorce. Do all the financials as if you are going to separate. Find out costs. Knowledge is power, so find out all you can. You will feel one step ahead and more confident of your future if you do.

UKg

Thank you UKgirl for the advice and support. So sorry your in a similar situation too.

I’m just dead inside towards him. He said he was going to change and that we would see it. But I have seen nothing. He tries to talk to the girls more and be more involved with their lives but he’s not doing a very good job. They notice it too and it breaks my heart. We tried to go to a festival last night and he just acted like he didn’t wait to be there. couldn’t wait to leave. I told him as parents we have to make sacrifices for our kids and stay later that we want too but he just pouted and was so not fun to be around. And it was only around 10:00. He was out with that girl until 1:00 in the morning then went to her house.I’m sure he wasn’t complaining then.

He plays ALOT of golf too. This girl who’s house he spent the night out is members there too. He first said he would quit the golf club but that didn’t happen. Honestly I have never had a problem with him playing so much golf. Up until he lied about where he stayed and the OW could be there too. He said he would quit playing so much. And that hasn’t happened either.

I just need to vent. I am so sad. I wish we could be having fun together right now but he just sucks the fun out of everything

[This message edited by Stayinghopefull at 6:29 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you're having to go through. The only advice I can give may be short but I hope it helps.

I believe in second chances, and that second chance should be received by your WS like a gift from the heavens. After that, there is no third, fourth, or fifth chance. It sounds like he doesn't value the second chance you gave him.

[This message edited by TheWonderingVoid at 6:34 AM, July 12th (Monday)]