Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Year One Update

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 barkplugs (original poster New Member #74667) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Original Post: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/647213/busted-wife-in-an-affair/

Checking in. Those unfamiliar or willing to refresh, click the above link. I was in a different state of mind when I wrote that... its very harsh.

Mods, if this should go in another subforum, move as you see fit. I don't know that I'd call this reconciliation but there's some good info for the newly betrayed's in here.

tl;dr

After the wife’s emotional affair, she and I have moved forward together. I don't view it as reconciliation because I'm don’t know that I’ve forgiven. Letting the anger ease away has been the best thing. There is no desire to divorce, but I stay on alert. I don’t trust as much. Every time she leaves the house, I think about the betrayal. I regret every day that I didn't gather better evidence on the DL when I had the chance. I still google search OM. I look for evidence that I ruined his long term relationship. However, almost paradoxically, we are generally very happy; the affair is an undercurrent maybe more for me than her, I’m not sure. Wife and I went to counseling. It helped our communication. We do a lot together now. I like that. She seems to as well.

What happened

For transparency, I changed some key details last year in my posts because I think she knew I was on the site. But now I don't care; I'll add them. It affected some of the advice I got, but the spirit was all valid. And all appreciated. Much, much appreciated.

Basically, I found facebook messages on her phone just as I was about to take her to the airport so she could fly to her parents’ house for a weekend visit. This is where I made my big mistake: I didn’t scroll back to see how much else was said. I immediate went to her and asked what this was about, handing her the phone. I thought she would clarify it was a joke with a friend. Then the hand started shaking, scrambling to delete the conversation before I could grab the phone back. She lied about the length of the affair. She claimed 9 months. It was actually a year and a half. I confirmed that through phone records. When I found out she lied, I almost left her that 2nd weekend. It took a while to come around.

I called the guy in front of my wife. He tried to pretend he didn’t know what I was talking about. So when I forced his hand with her admitting it, he insulted my intellect first thing. Observing his lack of contrition and his poor communication skills, I knew I was up against a 40 year old with a teenagers maturity so I hung up on him. He pulled some serious white knight attitude. This rattled my wife, as she “didn’t think he was like that” and frankly it made her look even worse. Why? I’m a good, state provider. I’m not a pushover. I’m told that I am good looking, thin for my age, I have my hair (for now lol) and I’m very tall. I suppose this was a classic “what does this guy have that i dont” moment. This dude was kinda fat, long stringy hair, immature mindset - the works.

So, the reveal of the guy aside, it was pretty clear this was her filling a need I wasn’t giving her emotionally. The real issue was the length of the betrayal: a year and a half. It was entirely on Facebook and phone… lots of phone calls.

The affair was an emotional, not physical. The guy was located 18 hours away, an unemployed loser in his mid-40s who mooched off his long-term girlfriend. He had no money of his own. He drove his GF to work every day. After some digging, it seemed most of this guys life he lived this way. He never could have flown to see my wife. Nor driven. He was always around his GF. Likewise, my wife never had the opportunity to fly there or be near him.

In fact, OM has gone dark online - at least, I cant find him - yet. I paid for his girlfriends current phone number and email address. I sent her a shit load of evidence, including phone records, then I sent her a text telling her to check her email ASAP. turns out, she’s a bit dramatic so she lost it on me (the messenger) and kicked him out of her house with the quickness. His facebook account went missing over that weekend. I set up an additional account to find him as he immediately blocked my main one. A year later, he’s still gone. Dude was probably couch surfing.

Please, for anyone that wants to come in and tell me they could have had sex or met up when i didn’t know etc etc… I confirmed as much of what didn’t happened through forensic financial digging. The only things I cant prove are 1) sexting/were nudes sent, 2) amount of facetime calls and any nudity there, 3) how much was I disparaged, 4) did they ever want to make plans to see each other.

In the end, I chose not to polygraph, despite everyone’s recommendations. The answers would not truly be there because I wouldn’t have the evidence in my hands. I would always suspect she passed it even if she was lying. The good news is: she’s done everything right since I found out what happened.

What to take from my story:

Confront and confront HARD but be patient enough to gather your evidence first. I did a great job blowing the affair up, but I bombed gathering sufficient evidence to keep me sane long term. So, because I trusted my wife enough to ask her what suspicious facebook message as about, I couldn’t ever retrieve that info when she deleted it and I have a knowledge gap that eats at me. I should have taken the phone, ran down the street, scrolled backward and screen capped, screen capped, screen capped and texted it all to myself. I wouldn’t have come back until I had gotten everything I needed.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2020
id 8669349
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 3:26 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

There is no desire to divorce, but I stay on alert. I don’t trust as much. Every time she leaves the house, I think about the betrayal.


However, almost paradoxically, we are generally very happy; the affair is an undercurrent maybe more for me than her, I’m not sure. Wife and I went to counseling. It helped our communication. We do a lot together now. I like that. She seems to as well.

Gently, She needs to know this. There are several BS spouses that make it to the 3-5 year mark before something finally pushes the BS over the edge and they tap out. Many times the WS is shocked because they had thought that M was fully repaired where the BS was just hiding their fears and resentment until it boiled over. Your only long term chance is to work through this together.

In the end, I chose not to polygraph, despite everyone’s recommendations. The answers would not truly be there because I wouldn’t have the evidence in my hands.


Polygraphs aren't perfect but they are better than nothing. Is she white knuckling it or has she really dug down to figure out her whys. She was broken badly to where betraying her spouse was ok. What has been done to fix this? Know her whys and more importantly how she is going to circumvent future betrayals is the most important thing to calm your fears. It seems you have realized that the A was just an EA. I'm not sure you need the poly to learn more details of this A, but it will help figure out if this was a one off or were their more boundary crossings in her past. Was this the only betrayal or is this a pattern?

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8669361
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 3:34 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Glad to hear you have progressed and she’s being constructive in her rebuilding. Sad to hear you are still triggered.

Here’s the only advice I can give you, and it’s not much.

Find Joseph’s Letter in the healing library at this site. Print it and cut off the URL and give it to her. Tell her there cannot be true intimacy between the two of you until you both know equally what happened.

Since you can’t retrieve the messages, ask her to do an exercise where she writes down example messages she sent him. Ask her to show her the worst of the worst. Did she talk about his dick? Did she sext what she was doing with her own privates? Did she write what she would do with her mouth? Did she tell him she loved him forever? Did she show him her tits? Did she see his member?

Tell her you have imagined the worst of the worst, Tell her if she truly lives you she will let go of the outcome and do this for you. She’ll risk everything to give this to you.

Then once she writes it out, make her read it out loud to you.

Perhaps in this way you can finally feel that she understands the pain that these actions have caused you and she can find some peace.

I wish you good luck. I’d recommend you work with a therapist who specializes in emotional trauma. It could really help you move forward and be happy, with or without her.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8669362
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Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 3:38 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

She was broken badly to where betraying her spouse was ok. What has been done to fix this? Know her whys and more importantly how she is going to circumvent future betrayals is the most important thing to calm your fears.

^^^This.

it was pretty clear this was her filling a need I wasn’t giving her emotionally.

She did not have the A because of anything you did or did not do. I strongly suggest that IC be a must for her in order to R or you will be going down this path again the next time she feels you're not providing enough attention to her. She needs to find out her REAL whys for having the A, IMHO.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8626   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8669364
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

it was pretty clear this was her filling a need I wasn’t giving her emotionally.

I disagree with your conclusion. IMO she was filling a need that no spouse could give her. The deficiency is within her - not you.

Why? because based on your description of the OM - he's a loser and not capable of meeting anyone's needs!

Therefore, she created a fantasy of the OM (ignoring reality) and to keep the fantasy alive it put her on a slippery slope towards adultery.

I hope you have evidence she fixed herself. Otherwise she's high risk to repeat.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8669374
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 barkplugs (original poster New Member #74667) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

She was broken badly to where betraying her spouse was ok. What has been done to fix this? Know her whys and more importantly how she is going to circumvent future betrayals is the most important thing to calm your fears.

Correct, yes. She actually did a few months of individual counseling to get to the bottom of things. She put in the effort. I'm still traumatized and that's something I have to live with for a while.

She did not have the A because of anything you did or did not do.

Yep, I'm aware. While I'm not pressured to fill her needs per se, ensuring we both do proper marital maintenance (is that a term) is something I do on my end. I expect the same out of her and so far I see the effort.

I hope you have evidence she fixed herself. Otherwise she's high risk to repeat.

I believe I have the evidence, just a worrying history now and the struggle to get past that... ugh.

It's not a fun place to be.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2020
id 8669673
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 4:55 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I believe I have the evidence, just a worrying history now and the struggle to get past that... ugh.


Welcome to years 2-5. Things should continue to get better slowly, though for some they never move past the betrayal.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8669809
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 9:33 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Thanks for the update!
What a downgrade had your wife decided to go with her AP. Some affairs are like that, especially online affairs. People tend to only see what's being said, they can't see the real person behind. It's a good thing you uncovered it before it went further.

Some folks are able to handle EA than PA. Some folks don't.

All the best!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670043
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:54 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Sorry man but until you get the full truth I doubt full reconciliation will happen. Some will stay together but never fully get there.

Like most the wayward thinks things are great but it remains for the betrayed. Even though it may dissipate it remains like an unsolved mystery.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670052
Topic is Sleeping.
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