Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
9 years in

Topic is Sleeping.
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 catandthemoon247 (original poster New Member #79000) posted at 1:21 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

This Sunday, I'm working a shift and it's almost closing time, when my manager hands me the phone says it's my friend Sarah- I answer the phone, they ask me if I'm "X wife" yes "ask him who he got pregnant. Me: X?. them" YUP ask him who he got pregnant mhm". Click I was shaken but thought who hates me or him this much to play such a cruel prank? Didn't have too much time left of work, called him like always, normal conversation, once I got home, I said what happened, I'm like wtf isn't that funny? He was acting a little weird but kinda normal, I really did not believe for a second this was true. Background- We've been together since 17/18 now 25/26, one time 3-4 years in he had been completely caught in a web of lies about a 10 yr older female friend, long story short he had been lying about her being in his friend group and when his friend group moved away he had started hanging with her alone. I met up with her and she was pissed at him for lying to me too, nothing ever happened between them but it felt like emotional cheating, she had said she used to have a male best friend and was starting to feel that again with X, which I didn't like because in my opinion I'm the only woman that should be his best friend. That was the only time we almost broke up, I slowly regained trust, had all his passwords, there were boundaries, if I felt uncomfortable about someone he would block/ stop doing whatever. He's been the absolute perfect partner for all this time, and I originally started dating him because he treated me so well and he was the 'nice guy', when I had been treated like dirt by others. Always would send me paragraph long texts about how amazing and happy he was, always posting me and pumping me up. We balance each other out so well, and compliment each other, I thought I had the perfect relationship. We bought a house at 21/22 ( I saved all the down payment but he worked and I didn't for one year while I was in school) lived together for 4 years with no issues, have a dog together, took the house from shambles to beautiful, supported each other through school and life, lifted one another up. I always thought I was never worried about an affair with him because after our 1st year together where we had sex every single day, my sex drive remained high where his was a lot lower, he has always pulled out. Every. Single. Time. In. 9. Years. (another reason I was so unworried about this call). I questioned him a little more, he broke down, I was in complete shock- I did not believe it, I did not respond emotionally, just asked questions, he continues to break down, I held him and supported him. He said he just wanted our normal life to go on as long as it could because he knew I would leave him. I have always been really repulsed by cheating and never understood it, and am very vocal about it. I still have only had this news 5 days now, and have been on a rollercoaster of emotion, and I ALWAYS give advice for my girlfriends to do better, find someone else, never put up with shit etc,. So why now am I considering staying with him? I love him so much it's so fucking hard, I have all different thoughts in my head. He has told me everything is mine and he'll pack his shit and leave, but I've still let him sleep in the bed next to me. I feel like I'm not ready to make any decisions right now. But he showed me her on one of my food blog instagrams since apparently we are both blocked on everything else, she is mentally unstable, has Od'd several times, has a breathalyzer to start her car, going through a divorce 8 years older then him. He met her because he works for USPS and orginally told me when they met she was a fucking idiot - but then later said she was okay. She's everything he hates and that bothers him, I don't even see him being able to tolerate her in a group setting. (We are both never drink/ never smoke too- he's adamant about being straight edge). I'm so confused this is not him, at all, I know he must have deeper issues but he told me he hates her and wants nothing to do with her ever, she harassed him the following day at work and we got a no trespassing order for our home (she's been in my home in my bed which is another slap in the face), and harassment whatever I can't even remember but it's documented by police. She showed up at our house when police were there, thank God, and was almost on the verge of being arrested, we both got restraining orders, it has been quiet since that incident. I never for one second suspected anything. I have had gut instincts in the past and found little back n norths but nothing flirty- just made me feel uncomfortable and he stopped. Total blindside. I had our whole life planned, I wanted everything with him, I wanted to grow older together, I thought we were perfect. We got married in Oct 2020, no ceremony but just to make it official since it felt like we already were- turns out 4 days after was the first time they did it. He keeps saying it was the porn fantasy- which is also weird because he NEVER even has watched porn since first dating!!! Originally said he tried to break it off after the first two times, then when things didn't add up he tried to break it off (for real) around my birthday in January but she threatened telling me, he kept saying the threats, the threats, when retelling everything- I asked how could he be so stupid to not use a condom - the one thing he could have done to protect me- he said "she wouldn't let him" which is such BS. Also for the last several months he's been having extremely high blood pressure, no appetite, weight loss, been depressed. These were all signs I missed- I thought he was just generally anxious/ feeling depressed. I always encouraged him get therapy, get help, which he was about to do a week before I got the news. He says he's never even kissed her, it was easy/not any 'work' involved etc. Meanwhile our sex life has always been great, I give oral, I talk dirty, I role play, I'm adventurous etc, he always insist I orgasm, and feels bad if I don't. I've toned down on asking over the years because he's made me feel like I'm asking for it too much- but we still have been any time from 3-5x a week. I need therapy, he needs therapy, I still want to go to couple therapy if the very least just for answers. When I'm with him I feel like I love this person, but am I willing to sacrifice myself for this? When I'm alone or talking to my one friend that knows I'm so much more rational of I can't do this to myself. He seems so wracked with guilt for running my life and remorseful and says he fucked everything up, she's 3-4 months along? Was "supposed to" have an abortion but then didn't. He does not want anything to do with her or the child and is relieved it's over and he's done with her. I have no idea what to do. Please help me, give me all your advice and opinions.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2021
id 8669271
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

We got married in Oct 2020, no ceremony but just to make it official since it felt like we already were- turns out 4 days after was the first time they did it.

This is such a huge red flag. I know you've been together for 9 years but...4 days after exchanging vows? No protection... frequent sex with both of you... I don't mean to be cruel but he might not be the man you think he is.

This wasn't an accident or a mistake. The affair was going on for your entire marriage. The fact that you had no idea means he is a very accomplished at lying. Please make sure that she is not currently married (don't believe him). She might be sleeping with her Ex also.

Is he certain the baby is his?

He may hate her but she is going to be a part of your life for the next 18 years. His paycheck is going to go to supporting this child... yours will go to paying bills.

You do not need to make a decision right away. Ask him for a timeline with everything written out. Get a DNA test on the baby. Both of you need to get tested for STD's.

Is there

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8669285
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 11:22 AM on Thursday, June 24th, 2021

Oh boy. It's hard because you have so much invested in this relationship. It's easy on the outside looking in to say kick him to the curb however when you are this deep in it ain't easy.Freeme is right. No decision has to be made right now. Both of you have a lot of work to do. It's recommended by most for both of you to do independent counseling first if you want to stay in the relationship then transition to marraige counseling. His behavior is strange though. It's like he wants to be with you and everything that you are however he has another side to him and hasn't been honest with you about that. It's like a Madonna/ Whore complex.You may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg and though it seems small right now there is a whole nother shitload underneath the water. Enough to sink the Titanic. Right now I would be careful to take everything he says as absolutely the truth. It isn't uncommon for a wayward spouse to attempt to downplay their actions and to denigrate the affair partner after being caught. He may have said some negative things about you to the affair partner as well. The fact he didn't come clean on his own and you had to find out is not good. It means he would have kept it from you and continue with this behavior. It means that there may be a lot more you don't know about and he is used to doing this. I recommend reading the materials up in the left corner to better understand what is happening right now psychologically. It will prepare you and help you understand the next steps to be taken from here. It will help you understand the behaviors he is displaying and what to do or say next.It will help you gain some control and stop the spiral. Whether you reconcile or separate there are certain steps you need to take that will be difficult for you. It is essential though. There will be others along shortly who will help guide you and offer more advice soon. Hugs for now.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8669308
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 3:05 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

He keeps saying it was the porn fantasy- which is also weird because he NEVER even has watched porn since first dating!!! Originally said he tried to break it off after the first two times, then when things didn't add up he tried to break it off (for real) around my birthday in January but she threatened telling me, he kept saying the threats, the threats, when retelling everything- I asked how could he be so stupid to not use a condom - the one thing he could have done to protect me- he said "she wouldn't let him" which is such BS.

I hope you're still with us, Cat. Just wanted to point out this bit above.. While it's true that porn is sort of a gateway drug for infidelity, your WH is blame-shifting really heavily onto the OW. I have no doubt that she's a bunny-boiler as you've described, but still, he's not some little lost lamb who didn't know what he was getting into. He had options... the first of which would be to NOT fuck another woman while his wedding cake was probably still stuck between his teeth. When she threatened him, there was no mystery left on the kind of person he was dealing with, and he could've been out if he'd just been willing to tell you the truth. As far as the condom goes, IF what he's telling you is accurate and this hag was threatening him, why in the name of all that's holy did it not occur to him that she'd pull a pregnancy scam? Refer back to "no mystery". He KNEW at this point that he was dealing with a dishonest individual, and yet he kept on fucking her.

Don't get me wrong, I feel really sorry for him if he's actually this stupid, but that doesn't mean that YOU should give up YOUR future because he couldn't be bothered to protect his. IF that OW is pregnant, and IF it's your WH's, he's going to have an 18 year financial commitment and possibly a lifelong emotional commitment. And that blackmailing hag will never be gone completely from his life. It's asking an incredible amount from you to take that on with no guaranteed that he's actually capable of pulling his head out of his ass and becoming a man of integrity with solid boundaries.

There does, however, remain the possibility that the OW is lying. They do that, and more frequently than normal people would think. My fWH also had an OW claim she was pregnant after he dumped her. She wasn't. She just wanted to throw another monkey wrench into the marriage in the hopes I'd throw him out. Sometimes the ones who are actually pregnant are sleeping with other guys too, so every now and then, it'll turn out to the wrong guy.

So, you've got a lot to think about. Right now, you thought you were with a guy who shared your values. But that's the main thing to know about cheaters... their stated values don't match their actual deeds. They're giving lip service to things like Fidelity and Honesty. It IS possible for some cheaters to get right with their own belief system, honor the things they claim to, and establish meaningful boundaries in their lives. It's hard, introspective, humbling work though and not as many as you would think will achieve it.

You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You might want a family of your own, not to be working hard to support one he started without you. So there's that too.

My advice is to take your time and BE SELFISH for maybe the first time in your life. Think only about what YOU want. Imagine your life five or ten years from now. It's okay to be done right now if you know for sure that you don't want to continue the marriage. No cheater is owed a second chance, and they all know the consequences of getting caught. Most of them just don't believe they will. But if you're NOT sure what you want, be thinking about what your boundaries are, meaning what you're willing to tolerate from a guy who claims he wants to be your husband.

Remember that your boundaries are about YOU and not a list of rules for a grown ass man who should have known better to follow. These should be statements reflecting the kind of partner you're willing to have. ie. "I won't tolerate a secretive partner who keeps hidden passwords on his tech." The last thing you want is to get into a parenting dynamic with your own husband, right? That's kind of what has already happened when our partner's cheat. He's been acting like a shady teenager who's sneaking out, but you're not his mom and you're not his jailer. You don't want to feed that dynamic.

We all know how painful it is to be intimately betrayed like this. You'll be okay. It takes time, but the pain is temporary and finite. We're all living proof that things do get better.

((hugs))

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670514
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 3:53 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

So why now am I considering staying with him?

...I'm so confused this is not him, at all,

You are probably currently considering staying with who you thought he was. But his actions define who he is, not his intentions.

What have been his actions during the A? That’s who he is.

Sending strength!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 9:54 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8670528
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

This is his second time that you know of cheating on you, and just 4 days after you got married? You have no children together. I'd say, listen to the advice you give to your girlfriends, b/c that is the most true to you. That is the advice you should listen to b/c its without emotions. YOu know that decisions are best made without emotions, b/c they are just more logical.

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8670937
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CoderMom ( Member #66033) posted at 4:44 AM on Thursday, July 1st, 2021

That is a very rough spot to be in. My opinion - seek IC.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8671400
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 catandthemoon247 (original poster New Member #79000) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond to my my post, your words of wisdom and advice have really given me a lot to think of especially @ChamileTea. I keep hearing your words in my head. Be selfish, for the first time in my life. I really do know I have to do that for myself, and my whole life I have tried so hard to live up to expectations and be the good daughter, the good worker, the good everything and that's so much pressure to live up to. I need to start putting myself first and seeing what the hell do I want. Also thank you to @bonetired I felt so validated when you told me this is a tough one because I DO have SO MUCH invested in this relationship and you are beyond right there is some serious issues on his part going on and definitely can see maddonc whore complex in there. I am in therapy right now and so is he, and we are in couples therapy, I'm still unsure of what I want, most of the time I feel numb to anything and the only times I've cried is in therapy, it's really hard for me to access my emotions, wants, or needs, right now. He did get STD tested and came back clean, I have my physical next week due to get full panel of tests as well. I had court and my restraining order was denied, she came in with a lawyer which I was not expecting, but I did expect the order to get denied since the last judge told me she was using her discretion to give me the 10 day order. We then had court for a restraining order between him and her a couple of days ago, we met with his lawyer (I told him he NEEDS a lawyer as soon as I met hers and ASAP) we ended up postponing for two weeks out, to give us time to think, since I'm learning it's better to settle out of court then go to trial although his lawyer and police said we definitely have enough evidence to get at least a 1 year restraining order on her. She also has a record, and mentally unstable, other dirty laundry - his therapist said it sounds like she has borderline personality which makes a lot of sense from when I was looking into things. But I think we're going to go back asking for 1 year to agree out of court. I'm hoping whether we are together or not this gives her time to move on and find someone else to obsess over or realize the truth of the situation, but I don't know if her illnesses will impact that. While we were there she was talking to her lawyer and we could hear she was really shocked and it was insane that a typical restraining order is 3 years time and seemed bewildered by this, also then said she didn't want anything from him, then said she was going to fuck with his job- which we brought up to his lawyer and she said the AP lawyer admitted she did say that and she told her to stop. Nothing at all mentioned about the pregnancy from her lawyer side which surpised me and makes me think is there something else going on here-maybe its not his? Even my one friend that knows this situation is in law school saying it would be the easiest defense to say she's pregnant and blame it on the hormones, but they're just trying to say she had a 24 hr breakdown. We also have multiple police reports where she does not look good. But the lawyer said she does not know if the child is his that would void the order, and that would be if she took him to family court. Either way he wants nothing to do with her or the child ( No influence from me in this but I get it, and I support his decision.) He's also talked about this with his therapist. I've been learning about attachment styles and I'm preoccupied anxious and he's avoidant, which I can be more clingy where he needs his freedom in a relationship. I'm learning a lot about the things that I never thought bothered, hurt and affected me from my childhood and past, and his as well. He had a terrible abusive childhood. Which is not an excuse but it makes it harder because I understand so much of where things come into play and why he is the way he is. I'm still taking my time and recently have been thinking of making a dating app profile, I'm not at all ready at the time being or even close, but it's just a thought in my head. I've even discussed with him the fact of me needing my own time and he is willing to do whatever to make it work. I do feel I need to be selfish and I don't even know where to start or how, because my whole life has been a lot of serving others and making them happy and it makes me feel fulfilled. But I feel I need to see what else is out there or how I feel when I'm with someone else to know "is this really what I want?". A little part of myself has been feeling this last week that I've fallen a little out of love with him, and I love him as a person and always will, but the betrayal is so deep. I had an individual session with our couple's counselor today talking about how my mom betrayed me maybe 2 years ago, and it just hurts so much that the people in my life that are supposed to have such unconditional love for me have hurt me in the worst ways and seem to generally take me for granted when I do so much. He says he needs me and I'm the only good thing in his life and I'm the one that makes the good decisions but I realized I have been playing the mom role and it's NOT a dynamic I want to keep feeding- which is hard for me since I've always had that nature even with friends, but he needs to be a man for himself and be happy for himself and with himself. There is so much here and I feel things are so complicated- its hard to talk to friends and family right now even coworkers can tell something is wrong with me, but I can't go there. I know with time things will become more clear, and it will take maybe a year or longer to know what I want, and I feel okay with that. I will updated again soon after court and more therapy, thank you for being here with me, like I've said there's only been one friend I have that knows - who actually recommended me to join something like this but- it feels so good to have all of your wisdom and perspective- I really need it.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2021
id 8673633
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 10:44 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

Everyone on here says look at actions not words. His actions say to you that you don’t own him and he wanted to do this so he did it. It’s a very childish way of living. For whatever reason the idea of being legally connected to another person it’s too scary for him. Of the two of you I think he needs intensive therapy. Whether you stay with him or not you’re going to have to realize that this is who he is. He is not a knight in shining armor he’s a guy that cheats.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8673644
Topic is Sleeping.
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